There are four reasons why I fell in love with someone suffering from addiction. When I took self-inventory of why I was continuing to tolerate his behavior in my life, I identified my top four payoffs: 1. I was scared to upset anyone and say no. I wanted to please
#1 for sure. I was so caught up in doing the "right" thing, especially if it meant the approval of others. And, to be very real, to impress others. He was from a successful, entrepreneurial, seemingly perfect family. He was so good looking, funny, and crazy smart. He had 4 college degrees!!!! My mother more than approved.
For me, I had the opposite of #4. I blamed myself for everything and consistently felt inferior and in a constant state of "not good enough". I entered the relationship with an incredibly low self-esteem and he made me feel SO SPECIAL! So when I recognized the over-drinking, I thought it was ME who just didn't know how to have a good time. When money was out of control, he'd blame me for not understanding "good debt". Eventually he'd say he had to drink because I was so horrible. His parents and mine made excuses for him, and explained to me how as a woman it was my job to do it all. Not joking. The sad part is, I did. And it nearly killed me from exhaustion. It seems silly now, but the more I got blamed and shamed, the more I believed I was in the wrong. I got stuck in a spiral of gaslighting and over functioning. I had zero boundaries. I was fearful of the judgement of others if I left, especially my children.
When I found LOA is when I started to come out of the fog. All these wonderful women validated I wasn't alone. I felt empowered. I could name my fears, and for the very first time since we'd dated I put MY needs first. It felt selfish, but I could see that was my sickness at play. And the healing began.
Now that we are apart, I'm so much healthier. He is not. This is where I am challenged -- to stay compassionate about his suffering. Because to be honest, I still want him to hurt for all the pain he put me and the kids through.
I just simply fell in love. He was fun to be around, we connected on so many levels. We were friends and I enjoyed spending time with him. He drank a lot but it seemed like most everyone did in college. As the years went by I noticed an increase in the drinking and #1 came into play. For a long time I was scared to say anything about it. It has turned so dark. It's like he's drinking with a self-destructive purpose ... but in the name of "relaxing", "having a good time", etc. 2-4 don't resonate with me but maybe I'm just not being self aware enough. He tells me I act superior to him because of the drinking. I think what he's seeing is my exasperation over a situation that has been discussed as a problem for many years now. Maybe that is superiority. I know I need to show more compassion. Struggling with that after years of verbal abuse and dissapointments.
I'm not sure about the "fall in love" part (maybe #2), but for sure #3 and #4 for me now. I can feel that I have moved into a bad place lately, where I am internalizing how much I hate his behavior. For a while, I was doing well focusing on me and my own health. But lately, it just feels like the wheels are off. I'm still behaving as I should, detaching, not engaging, but the name calling sends me reeling! It's so hard to bite my tongue, and sometimes I can't. But I find myself feeling superior to him, and I FOR SURE blame him (in my mind) for every bad thing in our marriage. It's eating away at me, and sometimes, I'm so tired of being the one who always has to do the hard work while he gets to do whatever he wants. (Oh My! Sorry for the tirade - it was not intended, but I'm posting anyway.)
My husband was not actively drinking when we met. He had been sober for 15 years. I had never been around someone who drinks like this. When his mom got sick and he fell off the wagon 3 years into our marriage, it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Then it took me a long long while to figure out how to handle this. I was a spiritually and emotionally healthier person before he fell off the wagon. I knew about his past, but it just never occurred to me that it would become a problem again. We have now been married almost 27 years and he has only been sober the first 3 years. He stops off and on for awhile, but it never lasts. He went into rehab last fall for the first time, but hasn't followed through and is currently drinking again.
#1 for sure. I was so caught up in doing the "right" thing, especially if it meant the approval of others. And, to be very real, to impress others. He was from a successful, entrepreneurial, seemingly perfect family. He was so good looking, funny, and crazy smart. He had 4 college degrees!!!! My mother more than approved.
For me, I had the opposite of #4. I blamed myself for everything and consistently felt inferior and in a constant state of "not good enough". I entered the relationship with an incredibly low self-esteem and he made me feel SO SPECIAL! So when I recognized the over-drinking, I thought it was ME who just didn't know how to have a good time. When money was out of control, he'd blame me for not understanding "good debt". Eventually he'd say he had to drink because I was so horrible. His parents and mine made excuses for him, and explained to me how as a woman it was my job to do it all. Not joking. The sad part is, I did. And it nearly killed me from exhaustion. It seems silly now, but the more I got blamed and shamed, the more I believed I was in the wrong. I got stuck in a spiral of gaslighting and over functioning. I had zero boundaries. I was fearful of the judgement of others if I left, especially my children.
When I found LOA is when I started to come out of the fog. All these wonderful women validated I wasn't alone. I felt empowered. I could name my fears, and for the very first time since we'd dated I put MY needs first. It felt selfish, but I could see that was my sickness at play. And the healing began.
Now that we are apart, I'm so much healthier. He is not. This is where I am challenged -- to stay compassionate about his suffering. Because to be honest, I still want him to hurt for all the pain he put me and the kids through.
I just simply fell in love. He was fun to be around, we connected on so many levels. We were friends and I enjoyed spending time with him. He drank a lot but it seemed like most everyone did in college. As the years went by I noticed an increase in the drinking and #1 came into play. For a long time I was scared to say anything about it. It has turned so dark. It's like he's drinking with a self-destructive purpose ... but in the name of "relaxing", "having a good time", etc. 2-4 don't resonate with me but maybe I'm just not being self aware enough. He tells me I act superior to him because of the drinking. I think what he's seeing is my exasperation over a situation that has been discussed as a problem for many years now. Maybe that is superiority. I know I need to show more compassion. Struggling with that after years of verbal abuse and dissapointments.
I'm not sure about the "fall in love" part (maybe #2), but for sure #3 and #4 for me now. I can feel that I have moved into a bad place lately, where I am internalizing how much I hate his behavior. For a while, I was doing well focusing on me and my own health. But lately, it just feels like the wheels are off. I'm still behaving as I should, detaching, not engaging, but the name calling sends me reeling! It's so hard to bite my tongue, and sometimes I can't. But I find myself feeling superior to him, and I FOR SURE blame him (in my mind) for every bad thing in our marriage. It's eating away at me, and sometimes, I'm so tired of being the one who always has to do the hard work while he gets to do whatever he wants. (Oh My! Sorry for the tirade - it was not intended, but I'm posting anyway.)
I think all apply to me, but #4 is the one I need to acknowledge and start working on.
#4 - It has taken me a long time to realize this truth about myself.
Your #2 reason was my #1 reason.
My husband was not actively drinking when we met. He had been sober for 15 years. I had never been around someone who drinks like this. When his mom got sick and he fell off the wagon 3 years into our marriage, it took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Then it took me a long long while to figure out how to handle this. I was a spiritually and emotionally healthier person before he fell off the wagon. I knew about his past, but it just never occurred to me that it would become a problem again. We have now been married almost 27 years and he has only been sober the first 3 years. He stops off and on for awhile, but it never lasts. He went into rehab last fall for the first time, but hasn't followed through and is currently drinking again.