Why I Fell In Love With An Alcoholic
There are four reasons why I fell in love with someone suffering from addiction. When I took self-inventory of why I was continuing to tolerate his behavior in my life, I identified my top four payoffs:
1.  I was scared to upset anyone and say no. I wanted to please everyone. Ruffling feathers and asking for the attention and help required to get a divorce felt selfish and embarrassing. Plus, how could I survive financially - he was not going to be happy paying child support. And … what would the kids think?
2. His sickness made me feel important and needed. I felt wanted when he needed help.
3. Most of the time, I could always compare myself to him and feel superior. I was a mess, but at least I was the strong and sober one in our relationship.
4. Lastly, it was very convenient to be in love with someone with a disease, so the blame and focus were always on him — and never on my issues.
Can you relate to any of these? I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.
#1 for sure. I was so caught up in doing the "right" thing, especially if it meant the approval of others. And, to be very real, to impress others. He was from a successful, entrepreneurial, seemingly perfect family. He was so good looking, funny, and crazy smart. He had 4 college degrees!!!! My mother more than approved.
For me, I had the opposite of #4. I blamed myself for everything and consistently felt inferior and in a constant state of "not good enough". I entered the relationship with an incredibly low self-esteem and he made me feel SO SPECIAL! So when I recognized the over-drinking, I thought it was ME who just didn't know how to have a good time. When money was out of control, he'd blame me for not understanding "good debt". Eventually he'd say he had to drink because I was so horrible. His parents and mine made excuses for him, and explained to me how as a woman it was my job to do it all. Not joking. The sad part is, I did. And it nearly killed me from exhaustion. It seems silly now, but the more I got blamed and shamed, the more I believed I was in the wrong. I got stuck in a spiral of gaslighting and over functioning. I had zero boundaries. I was fearful of the judgement of others if I left, especially my children.
When I found LOA is when I started to come out of the fog. All these wonderful women validated I wasn't alone. I felt empowered. I could name my fears, and for the very first time since we'd dated I put MY needs first. It felt selfish, but I could see that was my sickness at play. And the healing began.
Now that we are apart, I'm so much healthier. He is not. This is where I am challenged -- to stay compassionate about his suffering. Because to be honest, I still want him to hurt for all the pain he put me and the kids through.
I just simply fell in love. He was fun to be around, we connected on so many levels. We were friends and I enjoyed spending time with him. He drank a lot but it seemed like most everyone did in college. As the years went by I noticed an increase in the drinking and #1 came into play. For a long time I was scared to say anything about it. It has turned so dark. It's like he's drinking with a self-destructive purpose ... but in the name of "relaxing", "having a good time", etc. 2-4 don't resonate with me but maybe I'm just not being self aware enough. He tells me I act superior to him because of the drinking. I think what he's seeing is my exasperation over a situation that has been discussed as a problem for many years now. Maybe that is superiority. I know I need to show more compassion. Struggling with that after years of verbal abuse and dissapointments.