While I can relate to all the reasons listed, I feel some what ashamed to admit that one of the reasons I stay is because I would be so mad at myself if I leave and he final gets sober and ends up with another women happily ever after. I've invested so much energy, money, blood, sweat and tears into the relationship. I'd probably literally turn into a football player and tackle another woman for having the man I always wanted. I know it sounds possessive and maybe even insecure, but I've always encouraged him to be the best man he can be. Ive tried to lead by example, withdrawl judgment, and show compassion dispite the hard fact that I know this is such a toxic place to be. After having two babies and literally changing my identity to be with him, the thought of seeing him healthy without myself and our kids is paralysising.
Thought about that too after he tells me to get lost, move out or says ‘he’ll find a new one’. Its just laughable. He isn’t even close to getting sober but threatens me with that. ‘If I quit drinking first thing I’ll do is get rid of you’. 5 minutes later he doesn’t remember saying that or apologizes. The disease is EVIL! Live for yourself not him. Makes decisions easier! 💛
But on the flip side, what if without him, you yourself are happy and healthy and discover a beautiful new life that your kids will grow and flourish in? What if there’s more to life than simply being his perpetual support person?
All too familiar. I have stayed for many reasons. Then one day I realized I couldn't after 2.5 yrs of therapy. My husband had his first DUI (Nov 2022) on his way to visit our new granddaughter in a different state. Totaled his truck miraculously didn't injure himself or anyone else. 2 nights in jail. I am thankful for TX strictness. Continued to drink. Interlock system in his car continued to drink. Two fines for violating the interlock system. This resulted with a braclet on his ankle to measure any alcohol in his body. If he violated the ankle bracelet, he would spend six months in jail. Days before his last court date, I consulted an attorney cried the entire day. Paid fees for an apartment and made plans with work to move out and file for separation. Days after his court date, I was face revising the previous decision ... back to stay or leave. My husband had not been sober for more than 11 days. After rehab (Oct 2021), he was sober for maybe two months. The probability of him ending up in jail was high. He has 59 days of sobriety so far. I am excited for him and our family. What happens when there is no interlock system and no braclet with consequences? He doesn't go to AA and says counseling doesn't work. Nothing has changed for me ... I still want out of the relationship. In the midst of this all, in a job I don't like trying to get ahead so I can finally go full-time in my own business September of this year. It is grueling at times but I focus on myself and goals.
I def stayed because of love, loyalty (self esteem from helping/supporting), the potential of the person and relationship, but also because I was oblivious to the subtle abuses I started suffering the last 6 years of my marriage. I woke up one day and realized I am in a box with just him and our child, I no longer have hobbies, healthy habits, rarely see my one friend and I’m totally out of touch with my family, who I miss. Also, life is not going my way; there’s no give and take. There’s only take and guilt and control. Was a bitter pill to swallow because I thought my partner would never hurt me. But as his alcoholism progressed (survived a 0.478 BAC) a nasty covert narcissist emerged ... many of those covert narcissistic behaviors were present from the beginning, as was the alcoholism, but they were much more subtle and I was oblivious to the many shades of narcissism and addiction. I thought he was my safe place and I deserved the stonewalling, the lack of attention/affection (unless he wanted you know what), and the body shaming (my weight has fluctuated from overweight to just right and back again like many women, and guess what? When I was “just right,” I still didn’t get the love and respect I deserved.) When I started to feel the pull towards divorce, I tucked it away because I didn’t think I would meet anyone soon enough to have a baby. And I clung to the potential, like none other. Once we had a baby, and I started fearing for my mental health and wondering whether things would start getting more physical and starting to lose hope in the potential, I began worrying about my child’s safety, and his chances at a healthy childhood in an alcoholic / codependent home. Then I started learning more about addiction and covert narcissism and via therapy and opening up to friends and family, I found my spinal cord and started realizing I don’t deserve stonewalling, guilt tripping, walking on eggshells, not having a life outside our home or his work relationships, worrying about leaving my child with his father, and then the golden key came to me: I learned a child needs one stable parent (not one half crazed semi stable parent trapped by a codependent relationship), and in fact, deserves a mother who is divorced from the chaos. It was extremely painful, but I divorced and I’m glad I did. My son and I are happier and healthier on our own. His dad is intermittently in his life, and only under safe circumstances (thank you SoberLink and legally binding parenting plans!). I’m lonely, and I worry about money, and I’m tired a lot, but I’m so much better now. I notice the patterns discussed above when I’ve tried dating. Thank you so much for this article and community. I have learned so much and continue to use it to support my growth into a healthier woman and mother, and hopefully partner one day. ❤️
Identifying our reasons we stay is so important to our recovery, not so that we can berate and judge ourselves, but so that we can meticulously extricate ourselves from the webs of denial, lies, and unearned guilt that have us bound and gagged.
My husband retired in Dec 2021. We moved to our retirement home on the coast of NC in Sept 22. I am still working at a demanding stressful but well paying job (I work remotely from home). I want to retire but if I leave, I have to work another few years. The life I pictured us having together retired is not happening. He has 2 priorities, golf and getting hammered on vodka that he hides and drinks secretly. He has denied he is drunk for years (we are married 9 years, together 17). He drank vodka before we would go to social functions, dinner out with friends and would have 2 or 3 beers and was always the drunkest person at any gathering. Nobody knew about his vodka habit. And he denied it and told me I was crazy and needed help for anxiety. His secret blew up on him 2 months ago when we had a group of friends staying with us. He went from sober to falling down drunk within one hour and nobody saw him drink anything. He finally admitted he had a problem. Went to a rehab facility for an evaluation and a week later was arrested for DWI. He is now in an IOP program which he is not attending regularly. He is still sneaking vodka, refuses to go to AA. I started Alanon and praying I get the strength to leave our dream home. It’s become more of a nightmare home because of his decisions. He is not open to getting sober. He is a good person and very well liked by friends and family but when he drinks he is not that person. It’s like living with a zombie 😞
I relate a lot to this. I’m 56. After almost 20 years together we have everything paid off, have been enjoying traveling and I should be able to enjoy this part. But, his drinking has gotten worse so now I’m revising my retirement plan as I may end up alone. It’s not fair. I’ve paid my dues and now I live with one man I call Todd and another, his alter drunken ego I call Troy. To the point that he’s now made a joke out of it. If he forgets something or loses something, he’ll joke and blame it on Troy. I’ve cried, telling him that he’s slowly killing every bit of love I have for him. He stays emotionless and tells me, it’s just who he is. And usually walks away. He doesn’t deny anymore. He says he’s an alcoholic. He doesn’t seem ashamed anymore. He doesn’t even try. So why should I? It’s just heartbreaking.
Same girl, same. They don’t care! If I tell him my deepest thoughts after he asks soberly, he will turn them on me when the devil takes over. Thats my nickname, the devil.
I know exactly how you feel. My husband has essentially killed the love I had for him too. His drinking is a sickness but his behavior when he is drunk disgusts me. When it is just us he basically passes out but when we went out (I no longer will go to dinner with friends or to any group parties with him) he was always the loudest person and would need to be the center of attention. I got tired of being f embarrassed by him and told him I won’t go to dinner or parties with him anymore. It just hurts that he has chosen to not try to get sober.
“Financial independence is difficult when you love someone struggling with addiction. This disease is expensive, and likes to be in control of spending the money. “
This! Hit me so hard! AP retired and decided to check out of life completely to the point our cute lake cottage has fallen into disrepair. While he holds most of our money, he won’t spend on repairs!! It seems that all financial responsibilities are on me! Groceries, extras. Normal every day existence spending. I have my limits as far as work goes. I can handle my physical deficiencies. (Arthritis, joint replacements that kind of thing...which now is becoming mental issues) but he will spend $150 a week on cigarettes & liquor! He’ll give money for the groceries he will ‘eat’ only. So its basically like living on my own. I have learned not to shop for him unless he gives me $$ first. He doesn’t even like to sit down to a meal. So I nuke him some Mac & Cheese. When I am hopeful with a sit down meal he gets so agitated with hunger..”hangry”, he will actually run to the bathroom thinking he is going to vomit. Its pretty weird. He cannot sustain this forever! He yells at me that I don’t pay bills. If I don’t then who does? 🤷🏼♀️It’s the disease talking. We must remember the disease has a voice. Addiction is cruel. Yes it is, but I can’t let it debilitate ME! I am actively looking for another job (which at 61 is hard in this world), back on my healthy eating regime and fending for myself. So yay for me! I made it thru another week! 🩵
I stay because I will lose too much of my own finances, I don't need his but he would gain too much from me if we divorced. He has Narcissist Personality Disorder and he's the covert type. Nice in public, shameful in private. I have to try to find my own joy and happiness because he doesn't bring me any and may even be happy to see me suffer. I know he goes to AA meetings because he can feel superior to many of the others who are there seeking help. Sorry if this is too much extraneous information.
I am a successful, smart and articulate woman who has been in a very unhealthy relationship for almost 20 years now. I am an adoptee and I'm just starting therapy to try to figure all of this out. He is an alcoholic and I am co-dependent. Those are facts. Why I am still here is a question everyone asks me. I've tried to leave. I've tried to make him leave. Have you ever felt like someone leaving you was literally, physically going to kill you. As if your heart beating and blood pumping was depending on their commitment to you. Even if that meant no affection, harsh critical words and opinions, embarrassment publicly all while you're 24yr old Daughter watches. She too loves and hates him. He has been in our lives since she was 5yrs old. He saved me back then and now he's killing me. And I can not tell you why I'm allowing it to happen.
Don’t let him kill you emotionally or God forbid physically. Mine, when he threatens me, I say I’m about to cal 911, then he says ‘this is my house, they’ll take you away!’. It’s such a prison to live this way! 🖤
Yep me too! Felt all those but then I got out taking with me our little boy. My ex went through something that I had never seen or witnessed before in my life and became a completely different person especially when covid hit. It then became all so clear to me what I had been trying to figure out for years. I still stayed to try and support him and get him through whatever he was going through but it finally it came for me to get out and I felt he wanted us out. I could no longer cheerlead him anymore. I could see he had suffered some trauma from childhood but he always got really stressed when you tried to talk to him about it. Feel like I could write a whole book and more! So I totally concentrated on myself and did a whole lot of work. I got back in touch with old friends and am totally there for our little boy. It’s still hard as I still need to meet him with having our son together and Michelle, your words were like a tonic to me during the really hard time I went through. When I first started listening I still didn’t really believe my ex had an addiction problem. Some days I see him and think what the hell happened but I know I can never go back. My ex still has a long way to go and still hasn’t come to terms with his addictions and I don’t think he ever will. Even though he had all the help he still wanted to be in control and will do what he needs to to get through life.
Wanted to chime in on this thread as the “staying or going” rollercoaster is one I struggled with hugely and part of my own anxiety. I’m in a decade long marriage to a good man with severe alcoholism. His rock bottom was almost five years ago, and has been fairly consistent in terms of working on sobriety, but has relapsed several times, longest being about 3 months. Many of the questions from this post I have thought about, and thought about, and thought about some more. For a while, I just wanted someone to make the decision for ME because I was sick of the headspace it took up (and the self-pity of “why me?!?”). Anyways, one of the most valuable pieces I got from Michelle on one of the podcasts was the concept of a consistent and concentrated effort at working towards sobriety.
Part of the “stay or go” debate is also one of a guilt trip -- I remember sitting in a case meeting and my husband’s addiction physician told me, “Alcoholism is a disease. Would you fault a diabetic for being a diabetic?” And that really rubbed me the wrong way (for many reasons, and I’m sure some of you would agree) BUT after reflecting on that, the one piece I did take away was that addiction (similar to other chronic diseases) requires one to be diligent and take ownership of one’s health.
My husband is a good man and great father who suffers from alcoholism and has not been abusive. He suffers in silence, on his own, and lies and manipulates to cover it up. I choose to stay as long as he makes a consistent, concentrated effort on staying sober. He won’t be perfect all the time (I.e. relapses), but as long as he is making strides in therapy and has support through attending AA, that’s a good enough effort for me to stay.
Nick and i have been married 16th, together 23yrs, I’ve known for about his opioid addiction 9yrs, and 3 weeks ago I scooped his pee out of the toilet and sent it into the lab(u know the packaging that comes with the test) I’ve never done this before. He didn’t know I did it. I still can hardly believe it and I actually had to get confirmation from 2 doctors just to be certain because I wouldn’t never believed it, he was positive for Meth!!! So I packed up my three kids, sent them to my sisters and waited for him to get off work. As soon as he walked in the door, he saw my face and said what is wrong. I was frozen, I literally couldn’t speak. I wasn’t crying. I handed him the test results. Can u believe he tried to say it wasn’t right. I said, you have one more year to get sober, I asked him to move out he said no because it wouldn’t be good for our marriage, HA! So I moved out with our 3 children and I said if you pee dirty one time within the next year I’m divorcing you. If you can make it one year, I think you can make it longer and I hope we make it that long for me to see the better you. Im still disappointed & super confused about what our expectations are at this point, I just did what I felt was right for me right now. And what was safest for the kids.
I am getting keys to my own place (a rental home) in 3 days. This is my very first time ever renting! I can’t believe I am doing this at age. 40, almost 41yrs old. I mean seriously it just gets me more upset. I have just been praying for God to give me his thoughts and his words.
Be thankful that you’re only 40. You have half of your life still in front of you. You deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship where you trust your partner. Use this year to recognize your worth and your strength on your own. Let him realize it too. Best of luck to you. I wish I had been that smart and brave at 40.
Same. 49 now. Left him once, came back believing the promises. Now he is worse, worse treatment, worse everything and all I have done is enable in ways over the years by staying.
OMG- I’ve been through tell those stages! But I’m now 60- so I think what I struggle right now is how to live alone. It feels all so sad. But I’m going to do it. This September my rental should be available. I’ve told him - and ever since it’s daily questions of why are you leaving? What are you breaking up the family? He’s remorseful- but I can’t keep doing this. The roller coaster ride
This resonated with me on so many levels! I stayed for all these reasons. My husband is now 2 months clean and sober, I feel like damaged goods though. So much trauma (verbal abuse) and a roller coaster ride while he was using. I’m trying to figure out a way to let go of the past and the trauma. How do I move forward?
Do you have access to therapy? Or an in-person support group? I recommend both, although I know how hard it is to get these things set up. I’m still healing too. I’ve benefitted from therapy, online support groups (like LOA), friends, family, and long ago, a CODA group (CODA.org). I wish I could get back into CODA and many have told me Al-Anon helps. Therapy helped a lot with restoring my self-esteem, so has resting as much as possible. Being around people who tell me they love me, are proud of me, and compliment me has helped tremendously. (One of my top 2 love languages is words of affirmation, but I think this would help anyone suffering from low self esteem.) There are also some great guided imagery meditations from Belleruth Naparstek, if auditory affirmations appeal to you. Good luck!! You’re doing great!! ❤️
I too was a mess when I found out about my partner’s secret alcoholism. I got into therapy ASAP. While not cheap, my therapist helped me worked through PTSD and ongoing anxiety about health, relapses, my own control issues, etc. I did make sure to find someone who specializes in substance abuse therapy. She was phenomenal and also went through a marriage with a AH. Michelle’s podcasts help me when I’m between therapy sessions (go about every 6-8 weeks now) and if I need reassurance. Thinking of you.
I have loved this life for 25 years and he continues to fail in his sobriety. But the truth is I love him and he is kind and loving when sober. He isn’t violent or aggressive when he is drunk but he runs the risk of DUI and jail which miraculously he has managed to escape. How can I leave someone who hasn’t physically harmed me even though mentally I feel tortured.
I stay because I don't want to have another failed marriage. I worry about what my family will think. He's "not that bad" He goes to work, takes care of responsibilities.
I stay because we have had good moments. I hold onto what his potential is. He has had recovery, and we have been solid, but addiction is cunning and after a decade of this roller coaster I am tired. I been to Al-non, seen multiple therapists, read books on addiction, but it has all been to try to get him sober.
Sometimes I do wish his death and I know that’s horrible to think because I love him, but sometimes I think that’s where I will find peace.
However, I know I need to put the focus back on myself. I need to work on me. I need to get prepared and by okay with leaving whether he changes or not ( that’s the hard part).
Every time I threaten to live he promises sobriety, but he just tells me what I want to hear and even though I know that’s a lie I accept it because I want to be in denial.
So tomorrow I will call a divorce attorney and get educated. This tip, I took for our friend Michelle!
I bought her program a while back, but never finished it. I have nothing to lose now.
While I can relate to all the reasons listed, I feel some what ashamed to admit that one of the reasons I stay is because I would be so mad at myself if I leave and he final gets sober and ends up with another women happily ever after. I've invested so much energy, money, blood, sweat and tears into the relationship. I'd probably literally turn into a football player and tackle another woman for having the man I always wanted. I know it sounds possessive and maybe even insecure, but I've always encouraged him to be the best man he can be. Ive tried to lead by example, withdrawl judgment, and show compassion dispite the hard fact that I know this is such a toxic place to be. After having two babies and literally changing my identity to be with him, the thought of seeing him healthy without myself and our kids is paralysising.
Thought about that too after he tells me to get lost, move out or says ‘he’ll find a new one’. Its just laughable. He isn’t even close to getting sober but threatens me with that. ‘If I quit drinking first thing I’ll do is get rid of you’. 5 minutes later he doesn’t remember saying that or apologizes. The disease is EVIL! Live for yourself not him. Makes decisions easier! 💛
But on the flip side, what if without him, you yourself are happy and healthy and discover a beautiful new life that your kids will grow and flourish in? What if there’s more to life than simply being his perpetual support person?
I think many of us have felt just this....
Same
All too familiar. I have stayed for many reasons. Then one day I realized I couldn't after 2.5 yrs of therapy. My husband had his first DUI (Nov 2022) on his way to visit our new granddaughter in a different state. Totaled his truck miraculously didn't injure himself or anyone else. 2 nights in jail. I am thankful for TX strictness. Continued to drink. Interlock system in his car continued to drink. Two fines for violating the interlock system. This resulted with a braclet on his ankle to measure any alcohol in his body. If he violated the ankle bracelet, he would spend six months in jail. Days before his last court date, I consulted an attorney cried the entire day. Paid fees for an apartment and made plans with work to move out and file for separation. Days after his court date, I was face revising the previous decision ... back to stay or leave. My husband had not been sober for more than 11 days. After rehab (Oct 2021), he was sober for maybe two months. The probability of him ending up in jail was high. He has 59 days of sobriety so far. I am excited for him and our family. What happens when there is no interlock system and no braclet with consequences? He doesn't go to AA and says counseling doesn't work. Nothing has changed for me ... I still want out of the relationship. In the midst of this all, in a job I don't like trying to get ahead so I can finally go full-time in my own business September of this year. It is grueling at times but I focus on myself and goals.
Thinking of you. Hope your path is for the best for you.
I def stayed because of love, loyalty (self esteem from helping/supporting), the potential of the person and relationship, but also because I was oblivious to the subtle abuses I started suffering the last 6 years of my marriage. I woke up one day and realized I am in a box with just him and our child, I no longer have hobbies, healthy habits, rarely see my one friend and I’m totally out of touch with my family, who I miss. Also, life is not going my way; there’s no give and take. There’s only take and guilt and control. Was a bitter pill to swallow because I thought my partner would never hurt me. But as his alcoholism progressed (survived a 0.478 BAC) a nasty covert narcissist emerged ... many of those covert narcissistic behaviors were present from the beginning, as was the alcoholism, but they were much more subtle and I was oblivious to the many shades of narcissism and addiction. I thought he was my safe place and I deserved the stonewalling, the lack of attention/affection (unless he wanted you know what), and the body shaming (my weight has fluctuated from overweight to just right and back again like many women, and guess what? When I was “just right,” I still didn’t get the love and respect I deserved.) When I started to feel the pull towards divorce, I tucked it away because I didn’t think I would meet anyone soon enough to have a baby. And I clung to the potential, like none other. Once we had a baby, and I started fearing for my mental health and wondering whether things would start getting more physical and starting to lose hope in the potential, I began worrying about my child’s safety, and his chances at a healthy childhood in an alcoholic / codependent home. Then I started learning more about addiction and covert narcissism and via therapy and opening up to friends and family, I found my spinal cord and started realizing I don’t deserve stonewalling, guilt tripping, walking on eggshells, not having a life outside our home or his work relationships, worrying about leaving my child with his father, and then the golden key came to me: I learned a child needs one stable parent (not one half crazed semi stable parent trapped by a codependent relationship), and in fact, deserves a mother who is divorced from the chaos. It was extremely painful, but I divorced and I’m glad I did. My son and I are happier and healthier on our own. His dad is intermittently in his life, and only under safe circumstances (thank you SoberLink and legally binding parenting plans!). I’m lonely, and I worry about money, and I’m tired a lot, but I’m so much better now. I notice the patterns discussed above when I’ve tried dating. Thank you so much for this article and community. I have learned so much and continue to use it to support my growth into a healthier woman and mother, and hopefully partner one day. ❤️
Thinking if you dear duster. I’m unfortunately right there with you
I appreciate your share and words. Most of it, could’ve written myself.
Identifying our reasons we stay is so important to our recovery, not so that we can berate and judge ourselves, but so that we can meticulously extricate ourselves from the webs of denial, lies, and unearned guilt that have us bound and gagged.
Unearned guilt and desperate feelings of shame!
Brilliantly written! Going to put this in my journal. Thank yooooou!!!
My husband retired in Dec 2021. We moved to our retirement home on the coast of NC in Sept 22. I am still working at a demanding stressful but well paying job (I work remotely from home). I want to retire but if I leave, I have to work another few years. The life I pictured us having together retired is not happening. He has 2 priorities, golf and getting hammered on vodka that he hides and drinks secretly. He has denied he is drunk for years (we are married 9 years, together 17). He drank vodka before we would go to social functions, dinner out with friends and would have 2 or 3 beers and was always the drunkest person at any gathering. Nobody knew about his vodka habit. And he denied it and told me I was crazy and needed help for anxiety. His secret blew up on him 2 months ago when we had a group of friends staying with us. He went from sober to falling down drunk within one hour and nobody saw him drink anything. He finally admitted he had a problem. Went to a rehab facility for an evaluation and a week later was arrested for DWI. He is now in an IOP program which he is not attending regularly. He is still sneaking vodka, refuses to go to AA. I started Alanon and praying I get the strength to leave our dream home. It’s become more of a nightmare home because of his decisions. He is not open to getting sober. He is a good person and very well liked by friends and family but when he drinks he is not that person. It’s like living with a zombie 😞
I relate a lot to this. I’m 56. After almost 20 years together we have everything paid off, have been enjoying traveling and I should be able to enjoy this part. But, his drinking has gotten worse so now I’m revising my retirement plan as I may end up alone. It’s not fair. I’ve paid my dues and now I live with one man I call Todd and another, his alter drunken ego I call Troy. To the point that he’s now made a joke out of it. If he forgets something or loses something, he’ll joke and blame it on Troy. I’ve cried, telling him that he’s slowly killing every bit of love I have for him. He stays emotionless and tells me, it’s just who he is. And usually walks away. He doesn’t deny anymore. He says he’s an alcoholic. He doesn’t seem ashamed anymore. He doesn’t even try. So why should I? It’s just heartbreaking.
Same girl, same. They don’t care! If I tell him my deepest thoughts after he asks soberly, he will turn them on me when the devil takes over. Thats my nickname, the devil.
I know exactly how you feel. My husband has essentially killed the love I had for him too. His drinking is a sickness but his behavior when he is drunk disgusts me. When it is just us he basically passes out but when we went out (I no longer will go to dinner with friends or to any group parties with him) he was always the loudest person and would need to be the center of attention. I got tired of being f embarrassed by him and told him I won’t go to dinner or parties with him anymore. It just hurts that he has chosen to not try to get sober.
It is heartbreaking and difficult. I choose to live out my life the best way I can and I hope you are doing the same.
The alter name. My AH Ed goes by JOHN . Ugh
Is it bad that I smiled with alter ego naming? Then thought through how his name is David but alter ego is D*#k. 🤓
“Financial independence is difficult when you love someone struggling with addiction. This disease is expensive, and likes to be in control of spending the money. “
This! Hit me so hard! AP retired and decided to check out of life completely to the point our cute lake cottage has fallen into disrepair. While he holds most of our money, he won’t spend on repairs!! It seems that all financial responsibilities are on me! Groceries, extras. Normal every day existence spending. I have my limits as far as work goes. I can handle my physical deficiencies. (Arthritis, joint replacements that kind of thing...which now is becoming mental issues) but he will spend $150 a week on cigarettes & liquor! He’ll give money for the groceries he will ‘eat’ only. So its basically like living on my own. I have learned not to shop for him unless he gives me $$ first. He doesn’t even like to sit down to a meal. So I nuke him some Mac & Cheese. When I am hopeful with a sit down meal he gets so agitated with hunger..”hangry”, he will actually run to the bathroom thinking he is going to vomit. Its pretty weird. He cannot sustain this forever! He yells at me that I don’t pay bills. If I don’t then who does? 🤷🏼♀️It’s the disease talking. We must remember the disease has a voice. Addiction is cruel. Yes it is, but I can’t let it debilitate ME! I am actively looking for another job (which at 61 is hard in this world), back on my healthy eating regime and fending for myself. So yay for me! I made it thru another week! 🩵
I stay because I will lose too much of my own finances, I don't need his but he would gain too much from me if we divorced. He has Narcissist Personality Disorder and he's the covert type. Nice in public, shameful in private. I have to try to find my own joy and happiness because he doesn't bring me any and may even be happy to see me suffer. I know he goes to AA meetings because he can feel superior to many of the others who are there seeking help. Sorry if this is too much extraneous information.
Wow, last sentence.....same as my AH.
I am a successful, smart and articulate woman who has been in a very unhealthy relationship for almost 20 years now. I am an adoptee and I'm just starting therapy to try to figure all of this out. He is an alcoholic and I am co-dependent. Those are facts. Why I am still here is a question everyone asks me. I've tried to leave. I've tried to make him leave. Have you ever felt like someone leaving you was literally, physically going to kill you. As if your heart beating and blood pumping was depending on their commitment to you. Even if that meant no affection, harsh critical words and opinions, embarrassment publicly all while you're 24yr old Daughter watches. She too loves and hates him. He has been in our lives since she was 5yrs old. He saved me back then and now he's killing me. And I can not tell you why I'm allowing it to happen.
Don’t let him kill you emotionally or God forbid physically. Mine, when he threatens me, I say I’m about to cal 911, then he says ‘this is my house, they’ll take you away!’. It’s such a prison to live this way! 🖤
Same. I’m working on regaining my power. No longer going to stay frozen.
Yep me too! Felt all those but then I got out taking with me our little boy. My ex went through something that I had never seen or witnessed before in my life and became a completely different person especially when covid hit. It then became all so clear to me what I had been trying to figure out for years. I still stayed to try and support him and get him through whatever he was going through but it finally it came for me to get out and I felt he wanted us out. I could no longer cheerlead him anymore. I could see he had suffered some trauma from childhood but he always got really stressed when you tried to talk to him about it. Feel like I could write a whole book and more! So I totally concentrated on myself and did a whole lot of work. I got back in touch with old friends and am totally there for our little boy. It’s still hard as I still need to meet him with having our son together and Michelle, your words were like a tonic to me during the really hard time I went through. When I first started listening I still didn’t really believe my ex had an addiction problem. Some days I see him and think what the hell happened but I know I can never go back. My ex still has a long way to go and still hasn’t come to terms with his addictions and I don’t think he ever will. Even though he had all the help he still wanted to be in control and will do what he needs to to get through life.
Wanted to chime in on this thread as the “staying or going” rollercoaster is one I struggled with hugely and part of my own anxiety. I’m in a decade long marriage to a good man with severe alcoholism. His rock bottom was almost five years ago, and has been fairly consistent in terms of working on sobriety, but has relapsed several times, longest being about 3 months. Many of the questions from this post I have thought about, and thought about, and thought about some more. For a while, I just wanted someone to make the decision for ME because I was sick of the headspace it took up (and the self-pity of “why me?!?”). Anyways, one of the most valuable pieces I got from Michelle on one of the podcasts was the concept of a consistent and concentrated effort at working towards sobriety.
Part of the “stay or go” debate is also one of a guilt trip -- I remember sitting in a case meeting and my husband’s addiction physician told me, “Alcoholism is a disease. Would you fault a diabetic for being a diabetic?” And that really rubbed me the wrong way (for many reasons, and I’m sure some of you would agree) BUT after reflecting on that, the one piece I did take away was that addiction (similar to other chronic diseases) requires one to be diligent and take ownership of one’s health.
My husband is a good man and great father who suffers from alcoholism and has not been abusive. He suffers in silence, on his own, and lies and manipulates to cover it up. I choose to stay as long as he makes a consistent, concentrated effort on staying sober. He won’t be perfect all the time (I.e. relapses), but as long as he is making strides in therapy and has support through attending AA, that’s a good enough effort for me to stay.
Nick and i have been married 16th, together 23yrs, I’ve known for about his opioid addiction 9yrs, and 3 weeks ago I scooped his pee out of the toilet and sent it into the lab(u know the packaging that comes with the test) I’ve never done this before. He didn’t know I did it. I still can hardly believe it and I actually had to get confirmation from 2 doctors just to be certain because I wouldn’t never believed it, he was positive for Meth!!! So I packed up my three kids, sent them to my sisters and waited for him to get off work. As soon as he walked in the door, he saw my face and said what is wrong. I was frozen, I literally couldn’t speak. I wasn’t crying. I handed him the test results. Can u believe he tried to say it wasn’t right. I said, you have one more year to get sober, I asked him to move out he said no because it wouldn’t be good for our marriage, HA! So I moved out with our 3 children and I said if you pee dirty one time within the next year I’m divorcing you. If you can make it one year, I think you can make it longer and I hope we make it that long for me to see the better you. Im still disappointed & super confused about what our expectations are at this point, I just did what I felt was right for me right now. And what was safest for the kids.
I am getting keys to my own place (a rental home) in 3 days. This is my very first time ever renting! I can’t believe I am doing this at age. 40, almost 41yrs old. I mean seriously it just gets me more upset. I have just been praying for God to give me his thoughts and his words.
Be thankful that you’re only 40. You have half of your life still in front of you. You deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship where you trust your partner. Use this year to recognize your worth and your strength on your own. Let him realize it too. Best of luck to you. I wish I had been that smart and brave at 40.
Same. 49 now. Left him once, came back believing the promises. Now he is worse, worse treatment, worse everything and all I have done is enable in ways over the years by staying.
As a 61 yr old who vividly remembers 40, you are still so young! Congrats on your new beginning! So much good life ahead! 💛
So happy for you and your new beginning. Live big.
OMG- I’ve been through tell those stages! But I’m now 60- so I think what I struggle right now is how to live alone. It feels all so sad. But I’m going to do it. This September my rental should be available. I’ve told him - and ever since it’s daily questions of why are you leaving? What are you breaking up the family? He’s remorseful- but I can’t keep doing this. The roller coaster ride
Sounds like September is brining mentally clarity and some peace. Thinking of you and your upcoming adjustments. You can do it.
This resonated with me on so many levels! I stayed for all these reasons. My husband is now 2 months clean and sober, I feel like damaged goods though. So much trauma (verbal abuse) and a roller coaster ride while he was using. I’m trying to figure out a way to let go of the past and the trauma. How do I move forward?
Do you have access to therapy? Or an in-person support group? I recommend both, although I know how hard it is to get these things set up. I’m still healing too. I’ve benefitted from therapy, online support groups (like LOA), friends, family, and long ago, a CODA group (CODA.org). I wish I could get back into CODA and many have told me Al-Anon helps. Therapy helped a lot with restoring my self-esteem, so has resting as much as possible. Being around people who tell me they love me, are proud of me, and compliment me has helped tremendously. (One of my top 2 love languages is words of affirmation, but I think this would help anyone suffering from low self esteem.) There are also some great guided imagery meditations from Belleruth Naparstek, if auditory affirmations appeal to you. Good luck!! You’re doing great!! ❤️
Hi Amber,
I too was a mess when I found out about my partner’s secret alcoholism. I got into therapy ASAP. While not cheap, my therapist helped me worked through PTSD and ongoing anxiety about health, relapses, my own control issues, etc. I did make sure to find someone who specializes in substance abuse therapy. She was phenomenal and also went through a marriage with a AH. Michelle’s podcasts help me when I’m between therapy sessions (go about every 6-8 weeks now) and if I need reassurance. Thinking of you.
I have loved this life for 25 years and he continues to fail in his sobriety. But the truth is I love him and he is kind and loving when sober. He isn’t violent or aggressive when he is drunk but he runs the risk of DUI and jail which miraculously he has managed to escape. How can I leave someone who hasn’t physically harmed me even though mentally I feel tortured.
I stay because I don't want to have another failed marriage. I worry about what my family will think. He's "not that bad" He goes to work, takes care of responsibilities.
I stay because we have had good moments. I hold onto what his potential is. He has had recovery, and we have been solid, but addiction is cunning and after a decade of this roller coaster I am tired. I been to Al-non, seen multiple therapists, read books on addiction, but it has all been to try to get him sober.
Sometimes I do wish his death and I know that’s horrible to think because I love him, but sometimes I think that’s where I will find peace.
However, I know I need to put the focus back on myself. I need to work on me. I need to get prepared and by okay with leaving whether he changes or not ( that’s the hard part).
Every time I threaten to live he promises sobriety, but he just tells me what I want to hear and even though I know that’s a lie I accept it because I want to be in denial.
So tomorrow I will call a divorce attorney and get educated. This tip, I took for our friend Michelle!
I bought her program a while back, but never finished it. I have nothing to lose now.
Thank you for letting me write.