Having good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in our personal, spiritual, and physical lives. Having boundaries is important (especially when loving someone suffering from addiction), but boundaries can be confusing. What is a good boundary, some of us might be wondering?
The hardest part of boundaries is realizing that they are for US and not THEM. Once this is learned, so much easier and it just takes time. When I start to feel myself getting anxious or mad at my loved one, I remind myself that it's not him, it's the alcohol and I just calm myself down and keep a quiet mouth.
So many I am working on and figuring out! I have a hard time putting them into words right now. I will not solve other people's problems or complaints is a big one at home and work. And so challenging for me - who wants to be seen and feel important. I will allow others to solve their own problems. I will find my value from within, not by solving other people's problems. Sometimes, it is physically painful for me to not do!
One boundary that took me a long time to come to terms with my husband of almost 25 years is that I will not travel alone with him. No weekends, overnights, vacations, alone ever again.
I’m struggling with financial control and boundaries. I currently run the budget and have paid the bills for most of our marriage. My husband wants me to control that, he gives me that authority until he decides he wants to purchase something for $500 out of the blue that throws off the budget - and throws our household and me into turmoil. So at times (when it suits him) he takes control by spending $ but gives it back for me to figure out how to pay for it? So what boundary do I put up to not throw the household budget into turmoil? The only thing I can think is split the house budget up and split the income so he controls his portion and any extra. That boundary is so difficult and complicated and painful too!
I entered into a relationship, we were both in recovery, my partner relapsed last february and by november it was my living nightmare. I entered into this relationship not knowing who I was or what I wanted and having almost no boundries. The book "boundries" by doctors cloud & townsend i believe started helping me with that months ago and my partner hasn't been happy about it. No more going through each others phones, micro managing, interrogating v.s having loving conversations, etc. The list goes on because it is a work in progress but then your podcast put everything into more accute prospective on my boundries being for me and what I will allow around me and in my life and in my space. I still haven't been able to find the link to the se courses you keep speking of *I really really really want to* buuuuuuuut I have since listened to and re listened to a lot of epsiodes about boundries and made the decision to move out with my son. My partner and I are still together which only 3 people know at the moment but i put my boundries in place and so we're in motel and look at beatiful apartments in the neighbord we want to be in and i'm focusing on us while he figures his shit out or not and as hard and emotionally painful as it is, i'm finally beginning to have a sense of peace and ease and rest. Thank you so much for what your out here doing for each of us
Great post and a good reminder for relationships of all kinds. I like to always remind myself that I can't control what others do or say, but I can control how I respond to it.
I got a lot of support from friends and family throughout my journey with a spouse who has AUD. What I couldn't see was that all my boundaries had been eroded as I was trying to cope and get through each day. I began to feel obligated to people, to take on the role of a younger sibling or a workplace underling (just examples). Only in the past several months have I seen the impact of the shifting roles and unhealthy dynamics on my sense of self. Now, how to rebuild these boundaries!?
It is complicated. The cost of asserting strong boundaries in some of my relationships would be unwelcome. It's easy to say, "I am better off without that person if they don't allow me to be independent and strong, now that I have the chance to do it." But what if it's a sibling who has been through it all with me, has made incredible sacrifices to support me? Or a friend who doesn't understand boundaries and is confused by my renewed assertiveness in enforcing mine? I contributed to the destruction of boundaries, after all. I can see how it might be jarring after my years of fear and self-doubt. What if I can't have a relationship with them any more? What are other repercussions of that loss, such as family involvement or damage to other relationships? It is a cost-benefit analysis, for me.
In one case, it was made clear that strings WERE attached to the support I got, and nothing was given to me without condition or expectation. "All I've done is support you! How can you say you don't need advice right now, just support?"
I let my girls dad come stay with us in our home after years of separation. He has challenged my boundaries constantly. I have found drug paraphernalia, and recently he snuck a girl into my home while my children and I were sleeping after I asked him not to bring anyone to the house. I finally gathered up the courage and asked him to leave. Now I’m riddled with guilt. I hate this.
Boundaries are so important. It has made me take a hard look at myself. And it is difficult at times because sometimes it is a line drawn in the sand. And to follow through is the key.
I first realized I needed strong boundaries at work. I’m in a support position and got a big high and sense of accomplishment out of being the go-to person for a long time, until I was doing all the work and it was never enough. I set boundaries with the support of my boss… but the chorus of voices in my head after enforcing the boundaries were so hard to stop! It takes time and practice to ignore those and get in touch with the benefits and peace you are giving yourself. It’s harder with my family and husband, and it takes effort to work through the guilt and absence of the “high” you used to get taking care of everything, but it’s so important. ❤️
The hardest part of boundaries is realizing that they are for US and not THEM. Once this is learned, so much easier and it just takes time. When I start to feel myself getting anxious or mad at my loved one, I remind myself that it's not him, it's the alcohol and I just calm myself down and keep a quiet mouth.
So many I am working on and figuring out! I have a hard time putting them into words right now. I will not solve other people's problems or complaints is a big one at home and work. And so challenging for me - who wants to be seen and feel important. I will allow others to solve their own problems. I will find my value from within, not by solving other people's problems. Sometimes, it is physically painful for me to not do!
One boundary that took me a long time to come to terms with my husband of almost 25 years is that I will not travel alone with him. No weekends, overnights, vacations, alone ever again.
If my partner is practicing poor hygiene, I will leave his presence.
I’m struggling with financial control and boundaries. I currently run the budget and have paid the bills for most of our marriage. My husband wants me to control that, he gives me that authority until he decides he wants to purchase something for $500 out of the blue that throws off the budget - and throws our household and me into turmoil. So at times (when it suits him) he takes control by spending $ but gives it back for me to figure out how to pay for it? So what boundary do I put up to not throw the household budget into turmoil? The only thing I can think is split the house budget up and split the income so he controls his portion and any extra. That boundary is so difficult and complicated and painful too!
I entered into a relationship, we were both in recovery, my partner relapsed last february and by november it was my living nightmare. I entered into this relationship not knowing who I was or what I wanted and having almost no boundries. The book "boundries" by doctors cloud & townsend i believe started helping me with that months ago and my partner hasn't been happy about it. No more going through each others phones, micro managing, interrogating v.s having loving conversations, etc. The list goes on because it is a work in progress but then your podcast put everything into more accute prospective on my boundries being for me and what I will allow around me and in my life and in my space. I still haven't been able to find the link to the se courses you keep speking of *I really really really want to* buuuuuuuut I have since listened to and re listened to a lot of epsiodes about boundries and made the decision to move out with my son. My partner and I are still together which only 3 people know at the moment but i put my boundries in place and so we're in motel and look at beatiful apartments in the neighbord we want to be in and i'm focusing on us while he figures his shit out or not and as hard and emotionally painful as it is, i'm finally beginning to have a sense of peace and ease and rest. Thank you so much for what your out here doing for each of us
Great post and a good reminder for relationships of all kinds. I like to always remind myself that I can't control what others do or say, but I can control how I respond to it.
I got a lot of support from friends and family throughout my journey with a spouse who has AUD. What I couldn't see was that all my boundaries had been eroded as I was trying to cope and get through each day. I began to feel obligated to people, to take on the role of a younger sibling or a workplace underling (just examples). Only in the past several months have I seen the impact of the shifting roles and unhealthy dynamics on my sense of self. Now, how to rebuild these boundaries!?
It is complicated. The cost of asserting strong boundaries in some of my relationships would be unwelcome. It's easy to say, "I am better off without that person if they don't allow me to be independent and strong, now that I have the chance to do it." But what if it's a sibling who has been through it all with me, has made incredible sacrifices to support me? Or a friend who doesn't understand boundaries and is confused by my renewed assertiveness in enforcing mine? I contributed to the destruction of boundaries, after all. I can see how it might be jarring after my years of fear and self-doubt. What if I can't have a relationship with them any more? What are other repercussions of that loss, such as family involvement or damage to other relationships? It is a cost-benefit analysis, for me.
In one case, it was made clear that strings WERE attached to the support I got, and nothing was given to me without condition or expectation. "All I've done is support you! How can you say you don't need advice right now, just support?"
I am struggling with this. Case by case by case.
I let my girls dad come stay with us in our home after years of separation. He has challenged my boundaries constantly. I have found drug paraphernalia, and recently he snuck a girl into my home while my children and I were sleeping after I asked him not to bring anyone to the house. I finally gathered up the courage and asked him to leave. Now I’m riddled with guilt. I hate this.
Boundaries are so important. It has made me take a hard look at myself. And it is difficult at times because sometimes it is a line drawn in the sand. And to follow through is the key.
I first realized I needed strong boundaries at work. I’m in a support position and got a big high and sense of accomplishment out of being the go-to person for a long time, until I was doing all the work and it was never enough. I set boundaries with the support of my boss… but the chorus of voices in my head after enforcing the boundaries were so hard to stop! It takes time and practice to ignore those and get in touch with the benefits and peace you are giving yourself. It’s harder with my family and husband, and it takes effort to work through the guilt and absence of the “high” you used to get taking care of everything, but it’s so important. ❤️