What's the Difference Between Good Boundaries & Poor Boundaries?
Having good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in our personal, spiritual, and physical lives. Having boundaries is important (especially when loving someone suffering from addiction), but boundaries can be confusing. What is a good boundary, some of us might be wondering?
Just the idea of boundaries can be scary. Perhaps we’re afraid of upsetting people, and we don’t want to damage our relationships. These feelings of confusion and fear are totally normal when it comes to navigating boundaries.
Today, we’re going to keep it short and simple by defining boundaries and then providing some examples.
Let’s start off with the basics:
Boundaries are all about defining what IS okay and what’s NOT okay with our personal behavior AND how we choose to react to other people’s behavior.
We are responsible for defining and defending our own personal boundaries by respecting ourselves first, and that allows us to respect others. To keep it simple, boundaries help us respect our hearts and values. And for each one of us, our boundaries might be different - because our values are different.
Boundaries are not about trying to control other people's actions.
Here’s an example of a poor boundary: "I will not allow my partner to be rude and unkind to me."
The truth is, we can’t control if our partners are rude or unkind. We can’t place this boundary on someone else. Our partners are going to say what they want to. If we’re telling our partners they can’t be rude, we’re trying to control another person's choices.
Some of you might be thinking, “Yeah, but, Michelle... they're being unkind. Do I just have to stand there and take it?” And I would lovingly remind you that you’re smart enough to know you can’t control the way someone treats you. You can set a boundary about how you’re going to respond to other people’s behavior. You don’t have to accept verbal abuse from anyone.
Boundaries serve as our protection.
So instead of saying, "I will not allow my partner to be rude and unkind to me," our healthy boundary can be:
"I will not tolerate rudeness or verbal abuse. If my partner is being abusive or disrespectful, I will leave the room, delete the text, or politely hang up the phone. I will disengage and find safety."
If we don’t have good boundaries, our relationships are suffering.
Setting and keeping boundaries is a necessary skill for all women, not just ones in relationships with people who suffer from substance use disorder. Once we master boundaries, we can exercise them in all our relationships.
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What are some good boundaries you’re thinking about implementing?
The hardest part of boundaries is realizing that they are for US and not THEM. Once this is learned, so much easier and it just takes time. When I start to feel myself getting anxious or mad at my loved one, I remind myself that it's not him, it's the alcohol and I just calm myself down and keep a quiet mouth.
So many I am working on and figuring out! I have a hard time putting them into words right now. I will not solve other people's problems or complaints is a big one at home and work. And so challenging for me - who wants to be seen and feel important. I will allow others to solve their own problems. I will find my value from within, not by solving other people's problems. Sometimes, it is physically painful for me to not do!