Let’s talk about what to do if our loved ones start with embarrassing behavior or, worse, abusive behavior. The most helpful thing we can do is remove ourselves from the situation and retreat to our safe space. One of the core beliefs we have at Love Over Addiction is that addiction is a third party in our relationships. We view addiction as a
Powerful message. I remember those days as well. Sadly, they happened too often for me in the last few years of our marriage (divorced since 12/23). This message is for those still in the throws of an abusive relationship. Please don't let them win. Don't let them beat you down. You are strong and good. You are worthy!! Even after a divorce they will try and bully and abuse. My ex certainly has...he will not win!!
Yes, Michelle, I’ve gotten out and walked too. While his passenger, I always keep my phone close to me and my bag easy to grab so I can more easily choose to make an exit. It’s empowering. ❤️
I’ve gotten out and walked, I’ve explained how I feel about his demeaning comments , his hostile driving, he walked all over every boundary. I finally left for good. I love knowing I never have to get in the car with him, or hear any of his garbage. I have so much more energy and peace of mind.
It was often that I had to sneak out the back door so I could get to my car. Usually, he would come outside, standing on the front lawn, yelling at me as I was driving away. Sometimes, I would be in my pajamas, so I started making sure I always had a change of clothes in my car so that I could run errands.
I would come home hours later, and usually, he was settled down by then. (Probably because he was able to get a ride to his drug dealer!) Sometimes I'd get an apology and sometimes not. I never expected one.
But it was empowering being able to stay away for hours getting things done that I needed to do anyway!
Thanks a million for this invaluable post today. It came just in time. I have been missing my ex a lot. But your post reminded me of the last time I saw or heard from him. We were on a road trip, and his blind, volcanic rage at me was frightening and shocking. Next thing I know, my flight response took over, and I’m out the door. My rational brain thought I was crazy and making a scene. He grabbed me and pulled me back in the car, and I felt ashamed of trying to run away. After he dropped me off, he blocked me on all communication channels, leading me to blame myself. Now reading your story and others’ in the comments, I feel validated, affirmed, not crazy, not deserving of such treatment; and not alone.
My safe place, believe it or not is my home. See he spends all day drinking, five hours worth, this is every day, and he goes to bed at 6:00 so I have the house all to myself. I can breathe a little, and enjoy the night.
Thank you, Michelle for opening this dilemma. I've been trapped in a car with him when he was berating me. I couldn't get out to walk, was pretty far from home. I simply stopped talking or just said hm, hm. I tried to bring my mind somewhere else and ignore that situation. It does work out but takes a lot of practice. Another time his brother was trying to start a political argument with me when I was trapped in a room with him and I just started to laugh. He was shocked and then I ignored him. It also worked. I think he got pretty angry about the laughing but I'm not married to his brother so Ha Ha, he couldn't do much.
I find that opening my Kindle and beginning to read when things escalate helps me in two ways. It shows him I'm not listening to what he's saying or paying attention to what he's trying to do, plus i a book always takes me to a place other than where I am....and that it truly necessary for me at times. I have also gotten in the car and left before, but for me, staying there and showing him I won't be manipulated often leads to him leaving. Which is even better.
Been in this situation so many times. I got in a habit when things get bad, get the girls (we have 2 daughters) and run!. They’re teens now and breaks my heart we’ve been doing this since they were little. I try and make it fun. Mini overnight staycation in a hotel. Get take out. Whatever will take their mind off of the chaos that comes with their father’s alcoholism.
It’s exhausting. Not to mention financially taxing.
I was trying to finish up and assignment when my ah came up to me and started goading me—he taunted me by arguing and accusing and at one point started taking off his clothes. I went into the guest bathroom and locked the door and listened to Bible verses and then I listened to this podcast and I thought, Thanks Michelle, I did the right thing because you taught it to me when I took your course.
Thank you for this, each of your posts has been so timely. I drive when we are together, which is actually rare. We often drive separately because there is absolutely no alcohol allowed in my car. He will often drive home from work with an open can or bottle. 😢 I hate what the addiction has done to our lives. I am working hard to finding ways to separate and still afford to have basic human necessities. We are just barely making it financially together. I had a thought I am going to run by my therapist & was wondering if any of you all have separated but stayed under one roof? We have a garage that could be made into a livable space for him, it is attached to the house so I would change the lock to feel safe and so he couldn't intrude. It's not the best solution but might be a short term step. If anybody has any thoughts, please feel free to let me know!
I don't allow him to drive the kids or me. I've been the solo kid driver now for going on 4 months. When I went away on a work trip, I had my parents come and drive the kids to and from activities. It's more work for me, but less worry. I know I'm sober.
My Son actually said to me recently, when we lived with his Dad he knew after an argument and he walked out he would always have to go back!
Now if things get heated he can just walk away and come back to our safe space.
There were times I would just drive off in the car and scream out loud just to offload!
Although we still have ties through the house and kids, the best thing I did was leave. I would rather pay rent and be happy than live back in the drama.
I can relate except I’ve spent every penny I have just to get half of what is supposed to be mine. It’s really unbelievable, I have seen many alcoholics get away with a lot- I don’t understand it- I’ve seen some get custody (and not appreciate) others get passes/lenlency, sympathy, opportunities, and extra help along the way. Maybe it’s because there has always been someone there picking up the pieces and making things easy for them. And yet they are still are problematic people. :/
Powerful message. I remember those days as well. Sadly, they happened too often for me in the last few years of our marriage (divorced since 12/23). This message is for those still in the throws of an abusive relationship. Please don't let them win. Don't let them beat you down. You are strong and good. You are worthy!! Even after a divorce they will try and bully and abuse. My ex certainly has...he will not win!!
Yes, Michelle, I’ve gotten out and walked too. While his passenger, I always keep my phone close to me and my bag easy to grab so I can more easily choose to make an exit. It’s empowering. ❤️
I’ve gotten out and walked, I’ve explained how I feel about his demeaning comments , his hostile driving, he walked all over every boundary. I finally left for good. I love knowing I never have to get in the car with him, or hear any of his garbage. I have so much more energy and peace of mind.
Exactly what you described!!! Thank you for confirming my actions.
It was often that I had to sneak out the back door so I could get to my car. Usually, he would come outside, standing on the front lawn, yelling at me as I was driving away. Sometimes, I would be in my pajamas, so I started making sure I always had a change of clothes in my car so that I could run errands.
I would come home hours later, and usually, he was settled down by then. (Probably because he was able to get a ride to his drug dealer!) Sometimes I'd get an apology and sometimes not. I never expected one.
But it was empowering being able to stay away for hours getting things done that I needed to do anyway!
Find a place to hide out. Walk, pray, read. Baste a turkey! Remove yourself from these toxic sickos!!
Thanks a million for this invaluable post today. It came just in time. I have been missing my ex a lot. But your post reminded me of the last time I saw or heard from him. We were on a road trip, and his blind, volcanic rage at me was frightening and shocking. Next thing I know, my flight response took over, and I’m out the door. My rational brain thought I was crazy and making a scene. He grabbed me and pulled me back in the car, and I felt ashamed of trying to run away. After he dropped me off, he blocked me on all communication channels, leading me to blame myself. Now reading your story and others’ in the comments, I feel validated, affirmed, not crazy, not deserving of such treatment; and not alone.
My safe place, believe it or not is my home. See he spends all day drinking, five hours worth, this is every day, and he goes to bed at 6:00 so I have the house all to myself. I can breathe a little, and enjoy the night.
Thank you, Michelle for opening this dilemma. I've been trapped in a car with him when he was berating me. I couldn't get out to walk, was pretty far from home. I simply stopped talking or just said hm, hm. I tried to bring my mind somewhere else and ignore that situation. It does work out but takes a lot of practice. Another time his brother was trying to start a political argument with me when I was trapped in a room with him and I just started to laugh. He was shocked and then I ignored him. It also worked. I think he got pretty angry about the laughing but I'm not married to his brother so Ha Ha, he couldn't do much.
I find that opening my Kindle and beginning to read when things escalate helps me in two ways. It shows him I'm not listening to what he's saying or paying attention to what he's trying to do, plus i a book always takes me to a place other than where I am....and that it truly necessary for me at times. I have also gotten in the car and left before, but for me, staying there and showing him I won't be manipulated often leads to him leaving. Which is even better.
Been in this situation so many times. I got in a habit when things get bad, get the girls (we have 2 daughters) and run!. They’re teens now and breaks my heart we’ve been doing this since they were little. I try and make it fun. Mini overnight staycation in a hotel. Get take out. Whatever will take their mind off of the chaos that comes with their father’s alcoholism.
It’s exhausting. Not to mention financially taxing.
I was trying to finish up and assignment when my ah came up to me and started goading me—he taunted me by arguing and accusing and at one point started taking off his clothes. I went into the guest bathroom and locked the door and listened to Bible verses and then I listened to this podcast and I thought, Thanks Michelle, I did the right thing because you taught it to me when I took your course.
Thank you for this, each of your posts has been so timely. I drive when we are together, which is actually rare. We often drive separately because there is absolutely no alcohol allowed in my car. He will often drive home from work with an open can or bottle. 😢 I hate what the addiction has done to our lives. I am working hard to finding ways to separate and still afford to have basic human necessities. We are just barely making it financially together. I had a thought I am going to run by my therapist & was wondering if any of you all have separated but stayed under one roof? We have a garage that could be made into a livable space for him, it is attached to the house so I would change the lock to feel safe and so he couldn't intrude. It's not the best solution but might be a short term step. If anybody has any thoughts, please feel free to let me know!
I don't allow him to drive the kids or me. I've been the solo kid driver now for going on 4 months. When I went away on a work trip, I had my parents come and drive the kids to and from activities. It's more work for me, but less worry. I know I'm sober.
My Son actually said to me recently, when we lived with his Dad he knew after an argument and he walked out he would always have to go back!
Now if things get heated he can just walk away and come back to our safe space.
There were times I would just drive off in the car and scream out loud just to offload!
Although we still have ties through the house and kids, the best thing I did was leave. I would rather pay rent and be happy than live back in the drama.
I can relate except I’ve spent every penny I have just to get half of what is supposed to be mine. It’s really unbelievable, I have seen many alcoholics get away with a lot- I don’t understand it- I’ve seen some get custody (and not appreciate) others get passes/lenlency, sympathy, opportunities, and extra help along the way. Maybe it’s because there has always been someone there picking up the pieces and making things easy for them. And yet they are still are problematic people. :/