Powerful message. I remember those days as well. Sadly, they happened too often for me in the last few years of our marriage (divorced since 12/23). This message is for those still in the throws of an abusive relationship. Please don't let them win. Don't let them beat you down. You are strong and good. You are worthy!! Even after a divorce they will try and bully and abuse. My ex certainly has...he will not win!!
Yes, Michelle, I’ve gotten out and walked too. While his passenger, I always keep my phone close to me and my bag easy to grab so I can more easily choose to make an exit. It’s empowering. ❤️
I’ve gotten out and walked, I’ve explained how I feel about his demeaning comments , his hostile driving, he walked all over every boundary. I finally left for good. I love knowing I never have to get in the car with him, or hear any of his garbage. I have so much more energy and peace of mind.
It was often that I had to sneak out the back door so I could get to my car. Usually, he would come outside, standing on the front lawn, yelling at me as I was driving away. Sometimes, I would be in my pajamas, so I started making sure I always had a change of clothes in my car so that I could run errands.
I would come home hours later, and usually, he was settled down by then. (Probably because he was able to get a ride to his drug dealer!) Sometimes I'd get an apology and sometimes not. I never expected one.
But it was empowering being able to stay away for hours getting things done that I needed to do anyway!
Diane, you are such a courageous woman and I’m so proud of you. How smart to keep a set of Pj’s in your car. 💪🏻⭐️ you are proving to yourself that you are NOT letting addiction control you. Well done 👍🏻 👍🏻
Thanks a million for this invaluable post today. It came just in time. I have been missing my ex a lot. But your post reminded me of the last time I saw or heard from him. We were on a road trip, and his blind, volcanic rage at me was frightening and shocking. Next thing I know, my flight response took over, and I’m out the door. My rational brain thought I was crazy and making a scene. He grabbed me and pulled me back in the car, and I felt ashamed of trying to run away. After he dropped me off, he blocked me on all communication channels, leading me to blame myself. Now reading your story and others’ in the comments, I feel validated, affirmed, not crazy, not deserving of such treatment; and not alone.
My safe place, believe it or not is my home. See he spends all day drinking, five hours worth, this is every day, and he goes to bed at 6:00 so I have the house all to myself. I can breathe a little, and enjoy the night.
Thank you, Michelle for opening this dilemma. I've been trapped in a car with him when he was berating me. I couldn't get out to walk, was pretty far from home. I simply stopped talking or just said hm, hm. I tried to bring my mind somewhere else and ignore that situation. It does work out but takes a lot of practice. Another time his brother was trying to start a political argument with me when I was trapped in a room with him and I just started to laugh. He was shocked and then I ignored him. It also worked. I think he got pretty angry about the laughing but I'm not married to his brother so Ha Ha, he couldn't do much.
I find that opening my Kindle and beginning to read when things escalate helps me in two ways. It shows him I'm not listening to what he's saying or paying attention to what he's trying to do, plus i a book always takes me to a place other than where I am....and that it truly necessary for me at times. I have also gotten in the car and left before, but for me, staying there and showing him I won't be manipulated often leads to him leaving. Which is even better.
Been in this situation so many times. I got in a habit when things get bad, get the girls (we have 2 daughters) and run!. They’re teens now and breaks my heart we’ve been doing this since they were little. I try and make it fun. Mini overnight staycation in a hotel. Get take out. Whatever will take their mind off of the chaos that comes with their father’s alcoholism.
It’s exhausting. Not to mention financially taxing.
I was trying to finish up and assignment when my ah came up to me and started goading me—he taunted me by arguing and accusing and at one point started taking off his clothes. I went into the guest bathroom and locked the door and listened to Bible verses and then I listened to this podcast and I thought, Thanks Michelle, I did the right thing because you taught it to me when I took your course.
Thank you for this, each of your posts has been so timely. I drive when we are together, which is actually rare. We often drive separately because there is absolutely no alcohol allowed in my car. He will often drive home from work with an open can or bottle. 😢 I hate what the addiction has done to our lives. I am working hard to finding ways to separate and still afford to have basic human necessities. We are just barely making it financially together. I had a thought I am going to run by my therapist & was wondering if any of you all have separated but stayed under one roof? We have a garage that could be made into a livable space for him, it is attached to the house so I would change the lock to feel safe and so he couldn't intrude. It's not the best solution but might be a short term step. If anybody has any thoughts, please feel free to let me know!
Thank you so much Michelle. It really does come down to that, feeling safe, and I'm not 100 percent sure I do. I'm praying about it and seeing if he takes any steps to actually get it accomplished. I told him I will gladly help him while he's sober, but I refuse to go down there and help him while he's drinking. Thank you so much for replying and for having this safe space for all of us! 💛
Hi Kim. That was my situation for 2 years. While we were "separated," he spent most of his time in the basement, which, by the way, is disgusting down there. We referred to him as the ogre down below.
He'd come up for food and sometimes watch TV, and be extremely rude and annoying.
It was very toxic when he was around.
I realized the only way I was going to get him out of the house was if I divorced him. (Dec. 13!!)
But even after that, he still stayed in the house for another 2 months!!
He's only been gone for 1 month, but now that he's out, I'm going to keep him out!!
As for your situation, I suppose it's worth a try, but if it doesn't work , you will eventually have to take it to the next level.
I was married for 37 years!
Because I had faith that he would change. But it only got worse. Being separated didn't do a damn bit of good. I made that decision because I'd be able to stay on his insurance.
Now that I'm divorced, I'm seeing there are other options. (Financially speaking, that is. Insurance, heating assistance, food etc...)
I don't know if that helps at all. Do whatever works for you. 🩵
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry that your situation was so toxic. I'm glad you got out and are getting assistance financially. Were you able to keep the home after the divorce? I definitely realize I may have to take it to the next level... thank you for answering, it definitely helps!
I agree with Diane about available resources. You might reach out to the local emergency women's shelters, social services, etc. You might be able to get on a list for subsidized housing. Selling the house, while feeling overwhelming, might also help work financial security. Your health and safety are worth it. Fear of failure is so powerful!
He says he would agree to it... I don't know how it will get accomplished since he drinks daily and it desperately needs to be cleaned up.(mainly plumbing tools, old appliances, but it is FULL) The times he has been in rehab I started to attempt cleaning it myself, but the progress I made vanishes as soon as he gets out. And honestly I don't feel comfortable helping him. Appreciate your input!
I’m considering the same, financially can’t afford to move out and am paying all the bills as he lost his job eight months ago. Can we stay in the same house and be detached as a married couple? How do I set boundaries for that type of situation? And what if I want to start dating? Is that horrible to even think about? I’m lonely and would like companionship, and intimacy.
I think it depends what state you live in regarding what they consider "separated" . Is the bank account/home in both of your names? If so, I would consider opening a separate account with only your name on it. Also, free consults with lawyers can at least answer the basics, legal wise; and any sort of community, church, or counseling to help you set the boundaries that are right for you; with love 💛🙏🏻
I don't allow him to drive the kids or me. I've been the solo kid driver now for going on 4 months. When I went away on a work trip, I had my parents come and drive the kids to and from activities. It's more work for me, but less worry. I know I'm sober.
My Son actually said to me recently, when we lived with his Dad he knew after an argument and he walked out he would always have to go back!
Now if things get heated he can just walk away and come back to our safe space.
There were times I would just drive off in the car and scream out loud just to offload!
Although we still have ties through the house and kids, the best thing I did was leave. I would rather pay rent and be happy than live back in the drama.
Just wanted to give a follow up to my last comment last year. My husband and I were never able to fix up the garage. Unfortunately he passed away suddenly after an ER visit on April 1st, 2024...about a week after this original post. 💔💔
I'm shattered because I really did , (really do) love him. 😭 Does anyone here know of a really good program or resource that helps in the grief process, while also acknowledging the trauma and fact that I have so many unanswered questions? I have my therapist, saw a grief counselor, doing lots of self care. But I can't seem to reconcile the loss of the real man he was and the one controlled by addiction. I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry for the depressing update.. I feel safe here to express myself.
Powerful message. I remember those days as well. Sadly, they happened too often for me in the last few years of our marriage (divorced since 12/23). This message is for those still in the throws of an abusive relationship. Please don't let them win. Don't let them beat you down. You are strong and good. You are worthy!! Even after a divorce they will try and bully and abuse. My ex certainly has...he will not win!!
Candace, Thank you for sharing this 💕
Yes, Michelle, I’ve gotten out and walked too. While his passenger, I always keep my phone close to me and my bag easy to grab so I can more easily choose to make an exit. It’s empowering. ❤️
“Phone and bag close to me” - great ideas Wendy.
I’ve gotten out and walked, I’ve explained how I feel about his demeaning comments , his hostile driving, he walked all over every boundary. I finally left for good. I love knowing I never have to get in the car with him, or hear any of his garbage. I have so much more energy and peace of mind.
Congratulations Julie. I’m so, so proud of you! 👏🏻
Exactly what you described!!! Thank you for confirming my actions.
It was often that I had to sneak out the back door so I could get to my car. Usually, he would come outside, standing on the front lawn, yelling at me as I was driving away. Sometimes, I would be in my pajamas, so I started making sure I always had a change of clothes in my car so that I could run errands.
I would come home hours later, and usually, he was settled down by then. (Probably because he was able to get a ride to his drug dealer!) Sometimes I'd get an apology and sometimes not. I never expected one.
But it was empowering being able to stay away for hours getting things done that I needed to do anyway!
Diane, you are such a courageous woman and I’m so proud of you. How smart to keep a set of Pj’s in your car. 💪🏻⭐️ you are proving to yourself that you are NOT letting addiction control you. Well done 👍🏻 👍🏻
Find a place to hide out. Walk, pray, read. Baste a turkey! Remove yourself from these toxic sickos!!
Baste a turkey 🦃 🤣 love it!
Thanks a million for this invaluable post today. It came just in time. I have been missing my ex a lot. But your post reminded me of the last time I saw or heard from him. We were on a road trip, and his blind, volcanic rage at me was frightening and shocking. Next thing I know, my flight response took over, and I’m out the door. My rational brain thought I was crazy and making a scene. He grabbed me and pulled me back in the car, and I felt ashamed of trying to run away. After he dropped me off, he blocked me on all communication channels, leading me to blame myself. Now reading your story and others’ in the comments, I feel validated, affirmed, not crazy, not deserving of such treatment; and not alone.
You are NOT crazy. Not one bit. Listen to your instincts and trust yourself my wise friend.
Thank you for saying so and for your encouraging words! They mean so much. Bless your kindness to a stranger.
My safe place, believe it or not is my home. See he spends all day drinking, five hours worth, this is every day, and he goes to bed at 6:00 so I have the house all to myself. I can breathe a little, and enjoy the night.
That makes me really happy - to think that home is a safe space for you. 🥰
Yep! Often, me too!
Thank you, Michelle for opening this dilemma. I've been trapped in a car with him when he was berating me. I couldn't get out to walk, was pretty far from home. I simply stopped talking or just said hm, hm. I tried to bring my mind somewhere else and ignore that situation. It does work out but takes a lot of practice. Another time his brother was trying to start a political argument with me when I was trapped in a room with him and I just started to laugh. He was shocked and then I ignored him. It also worked. I think he got pretty angry about the laughing but I'm not married to his brother so Ha Ha, he couldn't do much.
Brilliant Linda!!! 😍😍
I find that opening my Kindle and beginning to read when things escalate helps me in two ways. It shows him I'm not listening to what he's saying or paying attention to what he's trying to do, plus i a book always takes me to a place other than where I am....and that it truly necessary for me at times. I have also gotten in the car and left before, but for me, staying there and showing him I won't be manipulated often leads to him leaving. Which is even better.
Been in this situation so many times. I got in a habit when things get bad, get the girls (we have 2 daughters) and run!. They’re teens now and breaks my heart we’ve been doing this since they were little. I try and make it fun. Mini overnight staycation in a hotel. Get take out. Whatever will take their mind off of the chaos that comes with their father’s alcoholism.
It’s exhausting. Not to mention financially taxing.
What a wonderful mother you are for protecting your daughters. 💪🏻
I was trying to finish up and assignment when my ah came up to me and started goading me—he taunted me by arguing and accusing and at one point started taking off his clothes. I went into the guest bathroom and locked the door and listened to Bible verses and then I listened to this podcast and I thought, Thanks Michelle, I did the right thing because you taught it to me when I took your course.
Thank you for this, each of your posts has been so timely. I drive when we are together, which is actually rare. We often drive separately because there is absolutely no alcohol allowed in my car. He will often drive home from work with an open can or bottle. 😢 I hate what the addiction has done to our lives. I am working hard to finding ways to separate and still afford to have basic human necessities. We are just barely making it financially together. I had a thought I am going to run by my therapist & was wondering if any of you all have separated but stayed under one roof? We have a garage that could be made into a livable space for him, it is attached to the house so I would change the lock to feel safe and so he couldn't intrude. It's not the best solution but might be a short term step. If anybody has any thoughts, please feel free to let me know!
Love the boundary about no alcohol in the car. 💪🏻 and as long as you can feel safe in your space - I think it’s a great idea.
Thank you so much Michelle. It really does come down to that, feeling safe, and I'm not 100 percent sure I do. I'm praying about it and seeing if he takes any steps to actually get it accomplished. I told him I will gladly help him while he's sober, but I refuse to go down there and help him while he's drinking. Thank you so much for replying and for having this safe space for all of us! 💛
Hi Kim. That was my situation for 2 years. While we were "separated," he spent most of his time in the basement, which, by the way, is disgusting down there. We referred to him as the ogre down below.
He'd come up for food and sometimes watch TV, and be extremely rude and annoying.
It was very toxic when he was around.
I realized the only way I was going to get him out of the house was if I divorced him. (Dec. 13!!)
But even after that, he still stayed in the house for another 2 months!!
He's only been gone for 1 month, but now that he's out, I'm going to keep him out!!
As for your situation, I suppose it's worth a try, but if it doesn't work , you will eventually have to take it to the next level.
I was married for 37 years!
Because I had faith that he would change. But it only got worse. Being separated didn't do a damn bit of good. I made that decision because I'd be able to stay on his insurance.
Now that I'm divorced, I'm seeing there are other options. (Financially speaking, that is. Insurance, heating assistance, food etc...)
I don't know if that helps at all. Do whatever works for you. 🩵
Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry that your situation was so toxic. I'm glad you got out and are getting assistance financially. Were you able to keep the home after the divorce? I definitely realize I may have to take it to the next level... thank you for answering, it definitely helps!
I agree with Diane about available resources. You might reach out to the local emergency women's shelters, social services, etc. You might be able to get on a list for subsidized housing. Selling the house, while feeling overwhelming, might also help work financial security. Your health and safety are worth it. Fear of failure is so powerful!
If you can make that garage into a living space, I think it's fine. It might be hard to put plumbing in? Will he agree to that?
He says he would agree to it... I don't know how it will get accomplished since he drinks daily and it desperately needs to be cleaned up.(mainly plumbing tools, old appliances, but it is FULL) The times he has been in rehab I started to attempt cleaning it myself, but the progress I made vanishes as soon as he gets out. And honestly I don't feel comfortable helping him. Appreciate your input!
I’m considering the same, financially can’t afford to move out and am paying all the bills as he lost his job eight months ago. Can we stay in the same house and be detached as a married couple? How do I set boundaries for that type of situation? And what if I want to start dating? Is that horrible to even think about? I’m lonely and would like companionship, and intimacy.
Hi Michelle,
I think it depends what state you live in regarding what they consider "separated" . Is the bank account/home in both of your names? If so, I would consider opening a separate account with only your name on it. Also, free consults with lawyers can at least answer the basics, legal wise; and any sort of community, church, or counseling to help you set the boundaries that are right for you; with love 💛🙏🏻
I don't allow him to drive the kids or me. I've been the solo kid driver now for going on 4 months. When I went away on a work trip, I had my parents come and drive the kids to and from activities. It's more work for me, but less worry. I know I'm sober.
So I guess the answer is "my car"
You’re a smart cookie 🍪 Lauren 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 and a great mom ⭐️
My Son actually said to me recently, when we lived with his Dad he knew after an argument and he walked out he would always have to go back!
Now if things get heated he can just walk away and come back to our safe space.
There were times I would just drive off in the car and scream out loud just to offload!
Although we still have ties through the house and kids, the best thing I did was leave. I would rather pay rent and be happy than live back in the drama.
Just wanted to give a follow up to my last comment last year. My husband and I were never able to fix up the garage. Unfortunately he passed away suddenly after an ER visit on April 1st, 2024...about a week after this original post. 💔💔
I'm shattered because I really did , (really do) love him. 😭 Does anyone here know of a really good program or resource that helps in the grief process, while also acknowledging the trauma and fact that I have so many unanswered questions? I have my therapist, saw a grief counselor, doing lots of self care. But I can't seem to reconcile the loss of the real man he was and the one controlled by addiction. I don't know if that makes sense. Sorry for the depressing update.. I feel safe here to express myself.