I just want to know am I living life without him or with him, im so quick to want to file for a divorce, I guess cause I don't see anything changing. I am really at a loss for the first time in all this. Is this manipulation, what is it(
I'm so torn between staying and hoping it changes or leaving. Do they ever change? I'm tired of the inconsistentcy, and his lack of empathy, is that him, or the addiction, I don't even know anymore! Grrrr, so lost on where to go from here, any ideas?
Des, I'm new to the group. I struggled for years with that question. After 20 years, I filed for divorce at the end of January this year we are still in the thick of it. He has been mostly sober since then. I happened upon a therapist this week who said the question to ask isn't if they have changed or can change? The two questions to ask are: Why have they changed now? And have you changed? As for why have they changed now, it speaks to the fact that you have likely been clear for a while now about what you need - but the other person has not been able to meet those needs. In my case, the why now is because my husband doesn't want the divorce. But he was drunk most of our marriage. I know it will likely not last. The other question is have you changed? He said this is important because if you go back and he starts sliding into old behaviors are you strong enough and have you changed enough to recognize it and leave. Not sure if that helps... but I have been thinking about those questions a lot!
I left this past December after decades of living with a HFAh. I just couldn’t take the emotional and verbal abuse. He got sober in may. He begged me to move back. Just as I thought I could I got spooked. Well today his ugly vodka self was in full force when I went over after. I am still shaking as I write this. I got out and went to the apartment I have been staying at. During our separation I realized that even without alcohol+ he was still his same, selfish, narcissistic self just waiting to reAppear. Even though tonight was hurtful and scary. I feel justified in leaving and now know that it is time to move and don’t look back. Thanks to Lisa, the program and all you amazing ladies, I can say I didn’t everything I could do to make things work and I am so much stronger.
Whati really struggle with is moving back in with him and nothing changes. One would say we'll wait, live seperste until you see that. But my reality is I have no clue what he does when we live seperate, it's such a viscious cycle. He has lied to me twice about drinking, he swore to me he would never lie again? Why did he lie before? Why was it so easy for him? Everytime I make plans to finalize our divorce he goes into a deep depression, suicidal, cant stop calling and texting and he would do short of anything to grt me back, but when were together I feel like he can't think outside of his own stuff to see the issues with out marriage. We can't even talk, I tell him what's bothering me, he accuses me of putting him down or talking negative, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. Maybe I'm not being fair, I just don't know anymore, what do I do?
What if nothing ever changes? Is that the way you want to live? That’s the questions that helped me. Even if he does get help, will you trust that he won’t backslide? It can be possible that he stays sober, but how long do you want to wait to figure that out?
Yes this is what I struggle with, Every decision I've made to this point is if he does this or of he does that, always having hope for change and not waiting a lifetime for it!
I so longed for the day that my husband would choose sobriety. I thought it would be the beginning of healing our relationship. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I realize now that my husband likely has a personality disorder and is unlikely to change his abusive behaviors regardless of sobriety and therapy. I blamed myself for so many years and believed that I was the problem. I never even considered that I was being abused and taken advantage of until I received therapy. I am actively working my exit plan and finding my joy.
For my husband admitting to having a problem, and wanting to do something about it just accelerated his disease.
When I thought we were a team doing this together, for him I turned into the enemy. The alcohol took over his thinking and acting in awful ways. It took him 3 years of trying himself to realize he needed help. Beeing suicidal and deeply depressed he got himself into psychiatric inpatient and AA. I thought those years were the worst, and that it would get better when he finally accepted his thinking wasn’t as shrewd as he believed. Alcohol takes over your brain in addiction. But he had a lot of pride in his smartness, and the bitterness and resentments he harbored were soon seeping out of his pores.
I needed to work through the trauma alcohol had caused me. But talking about past events triggered big defense in him, and he could not understand why I needed to bring up the past. Rudely calling me negative, obsessed with his faults, not cheering him on. I should be more, do more, love him better, trust him more.
The hopes I had when he seeked help were shattered many times. The promises felt worthless after a couple of cycles. And the years following turned into something more painful and challenging than I ever imagined. The lying, the emotional abuse, the distance and silence. The anger and rage simmering. I was still the enemy. He would say he loved me, but for the most part it felt nothing like love.
After years of trying to support him, my love for him was mostly based on compassion. I could see his struggling, I could see he was wanting to work for a better life. He just kept falling into his mental ditch of woe is me.
The streches of sobriety turned longer, and he somehow started to change. This change was uncomfortable for me. I was not used to beeing listened to, or validated. Sharing my feelings felt very dangerous. Being vulnerable spiked my anxiety. The anxiety that one day popped up in this relationship and took me by surprise. The anxiety that was telling me that this is not good for me at all. My alarmsystem going all in to protect me.
I could not turn it off. So I gave myself time to heal. To observe if the changes were lasting and consistent. This was difficult for him to understand. He had changed and I should be able to let it all go. Fast.
But that’s not how it works. Healing and recovery is a slow and long process. I have been to therapy and got help with processing my trauma. Now my alarmsystem is in balance again.
How his sobriety will be, and what this relationship will be - I have no clue. I try to focus on myself and what’s good and true for me. And let him work on him. I have a lot of doubts though. Is he really doing the deep work needed?
Who is this man? Do I like him?
Sometimes he is back to his familiar old self, and it feels comfortable in a strange way. At least I know that I don’t like THAT man. But this recovering, more reflected and kinder man. Who is he? Is he real?
Reminding myself of the choices I have in life keeps my power with me. I can always choose.
I don't know what possessed me to go back and read some previous months posts. I'm just so glad I did. What you wrote is so much of what I'm experiencing right now. Not quite three months sober and not living the fairy tale I thought it would be. I'm grateful for the sobriety and would not set the clock back. It's just that things are "different", we are different, and I'm very much experiencing his need for me to not be anxious or traumatized because it's "over". This recovery is going to take some time for sure and reading your post makes me feel so much better about where I am. Thank you!
It's definatley been one he'll of a ride, my husband got help 2 years ago, went through the program, committed to an outpatient program, during this time inlet him and got a restraining order. One thing I didn't know he has was severe anxiety, he masked that with alcohol. He has relapsed multiple times, he didnt tell me because he didnt want me to know he was drinking, but some friends saw him out and i was so furious and felt betrayed. He proceeded to tell me that lying is part of the addiction! He wasn't an everyday drinkier, he drank to have fun or numb something that was bothering him. We stil livel apart and I really don't know what to do from here! I feel like the process is still very selfish and his emotional immaturity is really hard to stomach. Of course I love him, we've been together 14 years, but I just don't know if I have any hope of things changing. He says he wants to get help with his communication and validating instead of being defensive, but he started a new job and he doesn't have anytime to get help! I really feel as if I'm crazy half of the time!
My AH of 37 years has been sober 1 year. He is not in any 12 program, no recovery group or counseling. We’ve tried x2 couples therapist but I stopped both times as I realized he could never be vulnerable.
The last therapist I had such high hopes I’d get the relationship that I’ve dreamed of all my life. We had separated twice and this time I demanded therapy before I came back. He knew what I needed from him as I was finally able to verbalize it. I expressed to therapist what I wanted for us. Therapy started off well. Well I came back and soon understood he only went to get me home.
I’ve given up hope in those dreams. I’ve tried to emotionally connect but can’t open up. Seems not fair I be one vulnerable when he won’t? We are not intimate. Must of the time we are cordial, get a long BUT the relationship is different. We can’t seem to find anything in common. It was easier to accept that when he was drinking.
Good stuff- NO CHAOS. I can come home and expect normal talk coming from his mouth. I can expect normal behavior if a friend should stop by. I worry less about him
Bad stuff- 37 years of dreams being married, feeling connected- never happened. No happy well adjusted adult sons. No future dreams/plans. TONS of regrets, grief that I can not fix
I’m trying to find happiness and sometimes I get it. Thanks for listening
Wow I read all of it all of Michelle and everyone’s comment... I have been waiting for this... no one talks about the after rehab when he comes back d as sober... but as a man you don’t recognise... you don’t know..
They say they re so lucky they get back to their family when their inmates have lost everything... but they still don’t appreciate it...
Been married 25 years married an alchoholic but didn’t know for many years... he was never violent and he thinks he was a good alchoholic... they only do 2 steps of the 12 in rehab ... he never said sorry... why I wondered for many months after rehab... he doesn’t remember...he came back a different man... a stranger in my bed a zombie almost not even saying hello in the morning yet the kids thought he was a hero...
Then relapse happen after 2 years to be fair... and the old traits come back...it’s the shrug of the shoulder the smile the walking gait that gives it away.... instantly you find yourself wanting to find the secret stash then realise it is their choice you can’t stop it for them...but the lying about it is the worst insisting you know he had a drink but him saying no.... that breaks my heart
I read so much about it and how we shouldn’t name and shame... but it is so hard because we too have made sacrifices to stay...
tonight I told him to choose us because every time he chooses alchohol he alinenates himself from us...
I love you all thank you for reading this. You all know what a lonely place this can be. Even with the best well meaning friends they just will never truly understand xxx
this is exactly what i'm concerned about. we've been married for almost 34 yrs and the last 16 I've wanted to leave but didn't have the guts (kept thinking 'wait till the girls are out of college' but that came and went). i moved out jan 1st. he has been 90 days sober. i don't know if i can trust again. i'm going to a therapist AND we go to a couples therapist who asked me yesterday 'what would it take for you to accept your sober husband?' I was at a lost for words. I just don't want to be back in our home suspecting he relapsed and hiding the alcohol again. I feel like I need another 6months away to continue enjoying my independent/self-care lifestyle.
With all due respect to your therapist - I’m not sure that’s the most helpful question for you. 90 days is not enough to regain trust. Not even close.
Enjoy your time away. Enjoy your freedom and healing. Six months sounds like perfection. And maybe take a break from couples therapy for now too. Focusing on YOU is the most loving act of kindness you can do. It’s time. 💕
This article was my sign. I'm an old Love Over Addiction customer who lurked (gratefully) for almost a year before the transition. For some reason, I never worked up the courage to post. I've been with my SAH for 7.5 years, and have been on the messy recovery road with him since March 2021, when he was brave enough to let his doctor tell me that he was in the grips of active addiction severe enough that he was feeling suicidal. We went through an IOP that he quit amidst multiple relapses after about 3 months. We then went through a period of "white knuckling" where he believed he didn't need help to quit - he made it an astounding 9 months before relapse but he was an angry "dry drunk" for much of that time. His relapse was about 2 weeks after LOA stopped and, my, did I miss you all. I'd learned enough in my recovery by that time not to tell him what to do and not to try to do the work for him. I told him that I'd like to have kids someday and that I wasn't going to bring children into a home with active addiction. I made it clear I wasn't giving an ultimatum and wasn't going to leave him that day but, if I couldn't achieve my goals for my life with him, I was going to eventually move on. We didn't have a beautiful revelatory moment. And yet he started talking to people. He decided that he wanted to try sober living (he did this in another state because he works out of state). In July 2022, he moved out and lived with his mom while attempting to get admitted - it took 3 months of half effort until he finally leapt. During that time, I didn't see him. He's been in sober living since October 2022. And I'm just beginning to meet this new man - one who has embraced 12 step, one who stopped drinking even though alcohol was not his drug of choice, one who has (and has kept) a sponsor, one who finally told his family about his addiction and his choice of sober living. He picked up his 7 month chip this week. I call him my little duckling (to my therapist, my 'tough' husband would hate that) because, sometimes, I see glimpses of an amazing, thoughtful and genuinely happy man. He has been a better partner on his good days than I realized I could hope for. And, other days, I see a mid-20-something (his age when he started abusing his substance) who is learning to live sober and going through the maturation he avoided while using drugs. During this time, we've spent 1 weekend together per month testing the waters again. This summer (after 12 months abstinence from his substance), we will start to live together every other week and he'll spend the other week in sober living (he asked to stay there part time, while I played it cool and cheered inside). I'm really genuinely proud of him and the hard road he's had to walk. Sometimes, I'm still terrified - we both really have something to lose. I could not have done this entire process without weekly therapy. I am (VERY) cautiously optimistic that we've turned a page in our journey with addiction and sobriety, and confident that I have - and I think the second part has made all the difference.
Wow- what an amazing journey. This took so much strength for the both of you. I’m holding you both up in prayer today. I think you’ve both are on the right path ❤️
Boy, has this topic hit home for me. My husband has been struggling with alcoholism for years, 10? For the first while neither one of us really thought of it as alcoholism. Then he started hiding it. Then he started lying. Then I would find it and confront him. This went on for a couple of years it seems. I told him at one point that he had to get help. He did get help through an IOP but he did it for me not for him. There have been more relapses than I can count. Over a year ago he asked me to take him to the ER where he needed help detoxing. After 4 liters of IV fluid being pushed into him and a 3 day stay, I thought he had had enough. He stayed sober for about 3-4months, which seems to be the average and then relapsed hard. This time I got his family involved and he agreed to go to in-patient rehab. About 3 months later he relapsed again. And then sober for about 6 months...I thought in those 6 months that maybe he was finally on the road to recovery. Nope...he relapsed again and this one lasted for weeks. Meanwhile, through all of this I am trying to keep myself healthy. I have built up walls around me to protect myself and I have had to be my own advocate. I have had to become very independent and also very numb to what is happening. So now...he is finally getting counseling. He has to work on himself before he can work on us. We have been married 35years and so it makes it very hard to just walk away. I have been going to counseling for over a year and that has been helpful to make sure that I am keeping myself on the right track. He is not the same person. After everything that he has put me through, I ask myself almost daily if I should stay or go. I am a changed person and he is the one who has made me change. I don't know that he will fully understand what he has done to us. He has been sober for 3 months now. He goes to his support groups, acu-detox and counseling. I know what alcohol does to the mind and body and that it can take a long time, if ever for recovery. I know he tries but I just don't think he understands what this has done to me. Only time will tell, I guess...
My husband has been sober for 3 years. The first year was a real learning experience for both of us. He was obsessed with sobriety, which sounds wonderful but it’s weird. He has found that he has to stay busy all the time, but seems secure in his sobriety. The obsession is better, and our lives are good- not perfect, but a new “normal “. I do still find myself slipping into codependency even without the drinking. Things never go well during those times, and I really have to do a lot of talking to myself to get back to a good place.
Eve, I totally get what you mean about the "sounds wonderful but it's weird" and also, I'm now married to a great man who never struggled with addiction and our lives are good - and never perfect:) I love him dearly, but the type of people that try to make their lives sound perfect ... I don't think so (side eye).
totally can relate! when i left 3months ago (after 34yr marriage) and he bought a used boat to restore and is obsessed about 'fixing everything' that needs to be. I feel like this is not a sustainable lifestyle and don't want to feel the "trapped" feeling when I was living/married to him. I feel like he's just doing these things to impress me and it's a way to make me realize that he's capable of being a sober, productive husband. I just need more time to process this all.
I'm so glad you brought up this topic. I'm just in shock about how wrong my expectations were after my husband returned from treatment. We've been married almost 18 years. And my husband has been addicted to alcohol for quite some time. And getting progressively worse every year, along with the lying, hiding, and verbal abuse. It was negatively impacting my kids' lives and my life. When my husband agreed to go to inpatient treatment I was so hopeful, yet also very anxious about what the future would look like. I felt I was very supportive of my husband despite all of the turmoil he put our family through. I felt that he was even more self absorbed, justifying inappropriate behavior because it was to help him stay sober. As an example, he formed a close bond with another woman in treatment. She was the first person he called when he got our of treatment, and they were texting and calling each other frequently without my knowledge. The betrayal I feel right now worse than I've ever felt. I filed for a separation and not sure if I can subject myself to potential abuse and relapse.
I hate this so much for you. It’s not fair to us to have to be the one that gets trampled on when were in their corner and supporting them & the one that’s put up with it is for so many years. I to dealt with a disappointment tonight after things were going so well and it’s hard to get your hopes up but just keep having faith things will get better someday but if you feel that you have to move forward with the separation for your own sanity and health then it’ll be worth it believe me. I didn’t allow my AH to stay with me tonight because he went to the bar today and I have to stick to those boundaries because I will not subject myself to that anymore. Stay strong Sister. You deserve more.
Thank you for your comment. It's nice to have this platform where we can support each other. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It so so difficult. But as each day passes, it seems to get a little easier. I'm wishing you all the best.
This article couldn't have come at a better time.. I am struggling with my "new" husband & he is definitely different than he was before he became an AH. He's on medication to curb the craving for alcohol and also on a med for depression. He's been sober since January 28 when he was released from the Hospital due to Alcohol Withdraw. It was a scary time. He came close to death. We are
just now opening up the conversations to everything we both went through (most of which he says he doesn't remember ~ trying not to give him the side eye) for the last 4-5 years of him being in a AH fog. He hid the severity of his drinking from me & lied when I asked about it. I knew he had a "couple" of drinks after work & on the weekends. I'd been commenting on his drinking, how much, being drunk, smelling like bourbon, but I had NO idea he was drinking a 5th a day until I found all the empty bottles in his car... I can't even begin to explain how I felt. I became conditioned to living in survival mode.. always trying to keep everything in check and as close to "normal" as I could. I was definitely codependent. I'm trying to chill out & let his new personality develop as we go on this journey. He currently has a ankle tether to monitor any alcohol in his system & also a blow & go on his car. The tether comes off at the end of June, but the blow & go will stay on throughout his probation, January 2025. So, right now for me knowing he can't drink AT ALL & is being monitored 2 ways has calmed my anxiety. I am trying to live in the moment & not think about what the future may hold. I am also working on forgiving myself for everything I put myself through and forgiving him. I don't know who he will turn out to be... I know I love him regardless ... but he is definitely a changed man and I am a changed woman.
This post hit so close to home right now. My twins dad, my partner for the past two years. Has now been sober for 4 weeks after I had to kick him out of my house after a DV situation that involved myself and the twins. This was the first time he ever got violent but the mental abuse had been going on for sometime. I am lost and don't know what to do. I feel like he expects me to just let him back in even though it's only been 4 weeks. He also refuses to get any outside help. I felt every word of waiting on pins and needles wondering how long its going to last. I'm hurt and trying to figure out how to heal and I'm not sure I can do that with him or trust him again.
My advice (and I'm sorry - because you didn't ask for it) is: try not to let him back in until he proves to you that he is on the very serious path to recovery. What does a serious path to recovery look like? In-patient or out patient rehab, at least one councilor who specializes in the science of addiction, support groups, willingness to submit drug/alcohol testing, and since their is now a history of violence - he cannot have unsupervised time with the twins. This is serious stuff and I bet reading that brings up a lot of anxiety. You might not be ready to enforce this (through a lawyer) but this is what a road to long term (10 years or more) recovery can look like.
There are other ways to sobriety, not everyone needs the same treatment plan BUT professionals are usually always part of the formula. Most important is a willingness and strong desire from your loved one to get sober. If they don't have that - I'm afraid their sobriety might not last. You're a smart person - do you see him willing to admit he has a problem and want nothing more than to get sober? If not, then expect more of the same behavior.
If you decide to let him back - we will never judge you. Because we have been in your shoes. Just at the very least, document this. Take photos and notes. Put them on an app that can only be opened through face recognition and just begin to look for lawyers. You don't need to call them - but have a number or two in mind just incase. I am not sure how old your children are but perhaps consider not letting them be alone with him if you take him back?
Again, this is just my advice - I am not a lawyer or social worker so always take it or leave it:)
Thank you so much for the advice I really do appreciate it. I am so lost and confused right now. I would love for him to do outpatient counseling anger management anything. He does admit that he does have a problem. I am just not sure how I can love him the same. The twins are 9 months old and right now he does only have supervised visits. I have looked into lawyers. I know I need to start on my own healing journey as well.
My STBXAH stopped drinking 8 months ago. He did an online 9 week program, but otherwise refuses help or support. His behavior is not much different than before, except that he hasn’t done the scary raging. I still get the silent treatment, aggressive driving, long political diatribes, etc. He still says he loves me and can’t imagine life without me, but too much damage has been done to me and our kids. With him refusing to get support, I just don’t trust that anything will be different.
My AH was doing so good. Tonight he had a relapse. How do I stay supportive when I’m so disappointed? My expectations are still there but he’s losing sight of everything because he wants to come home. He needs help and counseling but is determined to do this on his own. He’s very strong willed but no match for this awful addiction without God & help. He says if he comes home he can stay sober and we know that’s not possible. We can start over tomorrow but I’m afraid it’ll be a terrible cycle over and over until he caves and asks for help. I felt like I had healthy boundaries but now I’m stressed and disappointed talking on the phone at 2 am to the other person. The alcoholic. I deleted my other comment about how the last week has been so nice to have him sober for the first time. Am I punishing him? No I’m refusing to give attention to the addiction.
I finally had to voice to my AH that I no longer wanted to hear his apologies and told him that he can not do this alone. He had to get help and be accountable to someone other than me because he no longer cared about me. He only cared about the alcohol. So until the other 'relationship' was removed, there was no way I would be able to help. He thought that he could beat it on his own. I think he has finally realized that he cannot. But it took years for him to get there. Unfortunately it will probably be a terrible cycle because that's how alcoholism works. You just have to stand your ground and make sure you are taking care of yourself because that is the one thing that you can control. You cannot control what he says or does. I told my AH that I would support him but I would no longer help him. It took him awhile to understand that but I have held my ground and he has realized that he must be the one doing the work and that I will not do any of it for him. It was hard to let go of that control for me because I thought that if I kept suggesting and researching and offering suggestions then I was still helping and that he would get better. But that's not how it works. I had to let go completely and let him figure it out on his own. I think he is on the right path. I support him and what he is doing now. He is working through it and I support him. But HE is the one doing it. It's tough to let go of the control but it is necessary. At some point we will have to work on 'us'. That day will come but for right now we have to concentrate on ourselves. He must realize first what the alcoholism has done to him and also what it has done to me and us. It will be awhile before I totally feel comfortable in letting my walls down. Hang in there. You have support from many women in the same situation!
I gave my husband an ultimatum... treatment or his family. But now that he’s been home and a couple months sober, I don’t want to be his wife anymore. We’ve been through so much together in the last five years and I’m exhausted. He’s made choices since he’s been home that show me he went to treatment for the wrong reasons and I’ve had to act more like his mother than his partner.
I am really struggling since we each have two kids from previous marriages. I don’t want to be 31 with two divorces under my belt and put my kids through that again. I feel stuck with no family and no other housing available in the town I live in.
Your feed is about to have my name alllll over it lol. I finally signed up and so glad I did! So now I’m going through every post! My husband (now ex husband) got “sober” for a year. He was very unhappy. Didn’t get excited about anything. Wasn’t loving toward me. He was almost even more manipulative than when he was actively drinking and smoking weed.
Des, you’re not crazy. This disease makes us feel that way but it’s just trying to trick us into thinking it’s our fault. 🤍
I just want to know am I living life without him or with him, im so quick to want to file for a divorce, I guess cause I don't see anything changing. I am really at a loss for the first time in all this. Is this manipulation, what is it(
I'm so torn between staying and hoping it changes or leaving. Do they ever change? I'm tired of the inconsistentcy, and his lack of empathy, is that him, or the addiction, I don't even know anymore! Grrrr, so lost on where to go from here, any ideas?
Des, I'm new to the group. I struggled for years with that question. After 20 years, I filed for divorce at the end of January this year we are still in the thick of it. He has been mostly sober since then. I happened upon a therapist this week who said the question to ask isn't if they have changed or can change? The two questions to ask are: Why have they changed now? And have you changed? As for why have they changed now, it speaks to the fact that you have likely been clear for a while now about what you need - but the other person has not been able to meet those needs. In my case, the why now is because my husband doesn't want the divorce. But he was drunk most of our marriage. I know it will likely not last. The other question is have you changed? He said this is important because if you go back and he starts sliding into old behaviors are you strong enough and have you changed enough to recognize it and leave. Not sure if that helps... but I have been thinking about those questions a lot!
I left this past December after decades of living with a HFAh. I just couldn’t take the emotional and verbal abuse. He got sober in may. He begged me to move back. Just as I thought I could I got spooked. Well today his ugly vodka self was in full force when I went over after. I am still shaking as I write this. I got out and went to the apartment I have been staying at. During our separation I realized that even without alcohol+ he was still his same, selfish, narcissistic self just waiting to reAppear. Even though tonight was hurtful and scary. I feel justified in leaving and now know that it is time to move and don’t look back. Thanks to Lisa, the program and all you amazing ladies, I can say I didn’t everything I could do to make things work and I am so much stronger.
Whati really struggle with is moving back in with him and nothing changes. One would say we'll wait, live seperste until you see that. But my reality is I have no clue what he does when we live seperate, it's such a viscious cycle. He has lied to me twice about drinking, he swore to me he would never lie again? Why did he lie before? Why was it so easy for him? Everytime I make plans to finalize our divorce he goes into a deep depression, suicidal, cant stop calling and texting and he would do short of anything to grt me back, but when were together I feel like he can't think outside of his own stuff to see the issues with out marriage. We can't even talk, I tell him what's bothering me, he accuses me of putting him down or talking negative, I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. Maybe I'm not being fair, I just don't know anymore, what do I do?
What if nothing ever changes? Is that the way you want to live? That’s the questions that helped me. Even if he does get help, will you trust that he won’t backslide? It can be possible that he stays sober, but how long do you want to wait to figure that out?
Yes this is what I struggle with, Every decision I've made to this point is if he does this or of he does that, always having hope for change and not waiting a lifetime for it!
I understand. I’ve done the same. I guess that’s part of seeing the good in them.
I so longed for the day that my husband would choose sobriety. I thought it would be the beginning of healing our relationship. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I realize now that my husband likely has a personality disorder and is unlikely to change his abusive behaviors regardless of sobriety and therapy. I blamed myself for so many years and believed that I was the problem. I never even considered that I was being abused and taken advantage of until I received therapy. I am actively working my exit plan and finding my joy.
Congratulations Laura Marie, I love this for you.
Thank you all for sharing!
For my husband admitting to having a problem, and wanting to do something about it just accelerated his disease.
When I thought we were a team doing this together, for him I turned into the enemy. The alcohol took over his thinking and acting in awful ways. It took him 3 years of trying himself to realize he needed help. Beeing suicidal and deeply depressed he got himself into psychiatric inpatient and AA. I thought those years were the worst, and that it would get better when he finally accepted his thinking wasn’t as shrewd as he believed. Alcohol takes over your brain in addiction. But he had a lot of pride in his smartness, and the bitterness and resentments he harbored were soon seeping out of his pores.
I needed to work through the trauma alcohol had caused me. But talking about past events triggered big defense in him, and he could not understand why I needed to bring up the past. Rudely calling me negative, obsessed with his faults, not cheering him on. I should be more, do more, love him better, trust him more.
The hopes I had when he seeked help were shattered many times. The promises felt worthless after a couple of cycles. And the years following turned into something more painful and challenging than I ever imagined. The lying, the emotional abuse, the distance and silence. The anger and rage simmering. I was still the enemy. He would say he loved me, but for the most part it felt nothing like love.
After years of trying to support him, my love for him was mostly based on compassion. I could see his struggling, I could see he was wanting to work for a better life. He just kept falling into his mental ditch of woe is me.
The streches of sobriety turned longer, and he somehow started to change. This change was uncomfortable for me. I was not used to beeing listened to, or validated. Sharing my feelings felt very dangerous. Being vulnerable spiked my anxiety. The anxiety that one day popped up in this relationship and took me by surprise. The anxiety that was telling me that this is not good for me at all. My alarmsystem going all in to protect me.
I could not turn it off. So I gave myself time to heal. To observe if the changes were lasting and consistent. This was difficult for him to understand. He had changed and I should be able to let it all go. Fast.
But that’s not how it works. Healing and recovery is a slow and long process. I have been to therapy and got help with processing my trauma. Now my alarmsystem is in balance again.
How his sobriety will be, and what this relationship will be - I have no clue. I try to focus on myself and what’s good and true for me. And let him work on him. I have a lot of doubts though. Is he really doing the deep work needed?
Who is this man? Do I like him?
Sometimes he is back to his familiar old self, and it feels comfortable in a strange way. At least I know that I don’t like THAT man. But this recovering, more reflected and kinder man. Who is he? Is he real?
Reminding myself of the choices I have in life keeps my power with me. I can always choose.
Boy you hit the nail on the head “ loving him” based more on compassion. Yep
I don't know what possessed me to go back and read some previous months posts. I'm just so glad I did. What you wrote is so much of what I'm experiencing right now. Not quite three months sober and not living the fairy tale I thought it would be. I'm grateful for the sobriety and would not set the clock back. It's just that things are "different", we are different, and I'm very much experiencing his need for me to not be anxious or traumatized because it's "over". This recovery is going to take some time for sure and reading your post makes me feel so much better about where I am. Thank you!
It's definatley been one he'll of a ride, my husband got help 2 years ago, went through the program, committed to an outpatient program, during this time inlet him and got a restraining order. One thing I didn't know he has was severe anxiety, he masked that with alcohol. He has relapsed multiple times, he didnt tell me because he didnt want me to know he was drinking, but some friends saw him out and i was so furious and felt betrayed. He proceeded to tell me that lying is part of the addiction! He wasn't an everyday drinkier, he drank to have fun or numb something that was bothering him. We stil livel apart and I really don't know what to do from here! I feel like the process is still very selfish and his emotional immaturity is really hard to stomach. Of course I love him, we've been together 14 years, but I just don't know if I have any hope of things changing. He says he wants to get help with his communication and validating instead of being defensive, but he started a new job and he doesn't have anytime to get help! I really feel as if I'm crazy half of the time!
My AH of 37 years has been sober 1 year. He is not in any 12 program, no recovery group or counseling. We’ve tried x2 couples therapist but I stopped both times as I realized he could never be vulnerable.
The last therapist I had such high hopes I’d get the relationship that I’ve dreamed of all my life. We had separated twice and this time I demanded therapy before I came back. He knew what I needed from him as I was finally able to verbalize it. I expressed to therapist what I wanted for us. Therapy started off well. Well I came back and soon understood he only went to get me home.
I’ve given up hope in those dreams. I’ve tried to emotionally connect but can’t open up. Seems not fair I be one vulnerable when he won’t? We are not intimate. Must of the time we are cordial, get a long BUT the relationship is different. We can’t seem to find anything in common. It was easier to accept that when he was drinking.
Good stuff- NO CHAOS. I can come home and expect normal talk coming from his mouth. I can expect normal behavior if a friend should stop by. I worry less about him
Bad stuff- 37 years of dreams being married, feeling connected- never happened. No happy well adjusted adult sons. No future dreams/plans. TONS of regrets, grief that I can not fix
I’m trying to find happiness and sometimes I get it. Thanks for listening
Wow I read all of it all of Michelle and everyone’s comment... I have been waiting for this... no one talks about the after rehab when he comes back d as sober... but as a man you don’t recognise... you don’t know..
They say they re so lucky they get back to their family when their inmates have lost everything... but they still don’t appreciate it...
Been married 25 years married an alchoholic but didn’t know for many years... he was never violent and he thinks he was a good alchoholic... they only do 2 steps of the 12 in rehab ... he never said sorry... why I wondered for many months after rehab... he doesn’t remember...he came back a different man... a stranger in my bed a zombie almost not even saying hello in the morning yet the kids thought he was a hero...
Then relapse happen after 2 years to be fair... and the old traits come back...it’s the shrug of the shoulder the smile the walking gait that gives it away.... instantly you find yourself wanting to find the secret stash then realise it is their choice you can’t stop it for them...but the lying about it is the worst insisting you know he had a drink but him saying no.... that breaks my heart
I read so much about it and how we shouldn’t name and shame... but it is so hard because we too have made sacrifices to stay...
tonight I told him to choose us because every time he chooses alchohol he alinenates himself from us...
I love you all thank you for reading this. You all know what a lonely place this can be. Even with the best well meaning friends they just will never truly understand xxx
this is exactly what i'm concerned about. we've been married for almost 34 yrs and the last 16 I've wanted to leave but didn't have the guts (kept thinking 'wait till the girls are out of college' but that came and went). i moved out jan 1st. he has been 90 days sober. i don't know if i can trust again. i'm going to a therapist AND we go to a couples therapist who asked me yesterday 'what would it take for you to accept your sober husband?' I was at a lost for words. I just don't want to be back in our home suspecting he relapsed and hiding the alcohol again. I feel like I need another 6months away to continue enjoying my independent/self-care lifestyle.
With all due respect to your therapist - I’m not sure that’s the most helpful question for you. 90 days is not enough to regain trust. Not even close.
Enjoy your time away. Enjoy your freedom and healing. Six months sounds like perfection. And maybe take a break from couples therapy for now too. Focusing on YOU is the most loving act of kindness you can do. It’s time. 💕
This article was my sign. I'm an old Love Over Addiction customer who lurked (gratefully) for almost a year before the transition. For some reason, I never worked up the courage to post. I've been with my SAH for 7.5 years, and have been on the messy recovery road with him since March 2021, when he was brave enough to let his doctor tell me that he was in the grips of active addiction severe enough that he was feeling suicidal. We went through an IOP that he quit amidst multiple relapses after about 3 months. We then went through a period of "white knuckling" where he believed he didn't need help to quit - he made it an astounding 9 months before relapse but he was an angry "dry drunk" for much of that time. His relapse was about 2 weeks after LOA stopped and, my, did I miss you all. I'd learned enough in my recovery by that time not to tell him what to do and not to try to do the work for him. I told him that I'd like to have kids someday and that I wasn't going to bring children into a home with active addiction. I made it clear I wasn't giving an ultimatum and wasn't going to leave him that day but, if I couldn't achieve my goals for my life with him, I was going to eventually move on. We didn't have a beautiful revelatory moment. And yet he started talking to people. He decided that he wanted to try sober living (he did this in another state because he works out of state). In July 2022, he moved out and lived with his mom while attempting to get admitted - it took 3 months of half effort until he finally leapt. During that time, I didn't see him. He's been in sober living since October 2022. And I'm just beginning to meet this new man - one who has embraced 12 step, one who stopped drinking even though alcohol was not his drug of choice, one who has (and has kept) a sponsor, one who finally told his family about his addiction and his choice of sober living. He picked up his 7 month chip this week. I call him my little duckling (to my therapist, my 'tough' husband would hate that) because, sometimes, I see glimpses of an amazing, thoughtful and genuinely happy man. He has been a better partner on his good days than I realized I could hope for. And, other days, I see a mid-20-something (his age when he started abusing his substance) who is learning to live sober and going through the maturation he avoided while using drugs. During this time, we've spent 1 weekend together per month testing the waters again. This summer (after 12 months abstinence from his substance), we will start to live together every other week and he'll spend the other week in sober living (he asked to stay there part time, while I played it cool and cheered inside). I'm really genuinely proud of him and the hard road he's had to walk. Sometimes, I'm still terrified - we both really have something to lose. I could not have done this entire process without weekly therapy. I am (VERY) cautiously optimistic that we've turned a page in our journey with addiction and sobriety, and confident that I have - and I think the second part has made all the difference.
Wow- what an amazing journey. This took so much strength for the both of you. I’m holding you both up in prayer today. I think you’ve both are on the right path ❤️
Boy, has this topic hit home for me. My husband has been struggling with alcoholism for years, 10? For the first while neither one of us really thought of it as alcoholism. Then he started hiding it. Then he started lying. Then I would find it and confront him. This went on for a couple of years it seems. I told him at one point that he had to get help. He did get help through an IOP but he did it for me not for him. There have been more relapses than I can count. Over a year ago he asked me to take him to the ER where he needed help detoxing. After 4 liters of IV fluid being pushed into him and a 3 day stay, I thought he had had enough. He stayed sober for about 3-4months, which seems to be the average and then relapsed hard. This time I got his family involved and he agreed to go to in-patient rehab. About 3 months later he relapsed again. And then sober for about 6 months...I thought in those 6 months that maybe he was finally on the road to recovery. Nope...he relapsed again and this one lasted for weeks. Meanwhile, through all of this I am trying to keep myself healthy. I have built up walls around me to protect myself and I have had to be my own advocate. I have had to become very independent and also very numb to what is happening. So now...he is finally getting counseling. He has to work on himself before he can work on us. We have been married 35years and so it makes it very hard to just walk away. I have been going to counseling for over a year and that has been helpful to make sure that I am keeping myself on the right track. He is not the same person. After everything that he has put me through, I ask myself almost daily if I should stay or go. I am a changed person and he is the one who has made me change. I don't know that he will fully understand what he has done to us. He has been sober for 3 months now. He goes to his support groups, acu-detox and counseling. I know what alcohol does to the mind and body and that it can take a long time, if ever for recovery. I know he tries but I just don't think he understands what this has done to me. Only time will tell, I guess...
My husband has been sober for 3 years. The first year was a real learning experience for both of us. He was obsessed with sobriety, which sounds wonderful but it’s weird. He has found that he has to stay busy all the time, but seems secure in his sobriety. The obsession is better, and our lives are good- not perfect, but a new “normal “. I do still find myself slipping into codependency even without the drinking. Things never go well during those times, and I really have to do a lot of talking to myself to get back to a good place.
Eve, I totally get what you mean about the "sounds wonderful but it's weird" and also, I'm now married to a great man who never struggled with addiction and our lives are good - and never perfect:) I love him dearly, but the type of people that try to make their lives sound perfect ... I don't think so (side eye).
totally can relate! when i left 3months ago (after 34yr marriage) and he bought a used boat to restore and is obsessed about 'fixing everything' that needs to be. I feel like this is not a sustainable lifestyle and don't want to feel the "trapped" feeling when I was living/married to him. I feel like he's just doing these things to impress me and it's a way to make me realize that he's capable of being a sober, productive husband. I just need more time to process this all.
What do you mean when you say you slip back into co dependency...
I'm so glad you brought up this topic. I'm just in shock about how wrong my expectations were after my husband returned from treatment. We've been married almost 18 years. And my husband has been addicted to alcohol for quite some time. And getting progressively worse every year, along with the lying, hiding, and verbal abuse. It was negatively impacting my kids' lives and my life. When my husband agreed to go to inpatient treatment I was so hopeful, yet also very anxious about what the future would look like. I felt I was very supportive of my husband despite all of the turmoil he put our family through. I felt that he was even more self absorbed, justifying inappropriate behavior because it was to help him stay sober. As an example, he formed a close bond with another woman in treatment. She was the first person he called when he got our of treatment, and they were texting and calling each other frequently without my knowledge. The betrayal I feel right now worse than I've ever felt. I filed for a separation and not sure if I can subject myself to potential abuse and relapse.
I hate this so much for you. It’s not fair to us to have to be the one that gets trampled on when were in their corner and supporting them & the one that’s put up with it is for so many years. I to dealt with a disappointment tonight after things were going so well and it’s hard to get your hopes up but just keep having faith things will get better someday but if you feel that you have to move forward with the separation for your own sanity and health then it’ll be worth it believe me. I didn’t allow my AH to stay with me tonight because he went to the bar today and I have to stick to those boundaries because I will not subject myself to that anymore. Stay strong Sister. You deserve more.
Thank you for your comment. It's nice to have this platform where we can support each other. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It so so difficult. But as each day passes, it seems to get a little easier. I'm wishing you all the best.
This article couldn't have come at a better time.. I am struggling with my "new" husband & he is definitely different than he was before he became an AH. He's on medication to curb the craving for alcohol and also on a med for depression. He's been sober since January 28 when he was released from the Hospital due to Alcohol Withdraw. It was a scary time. He came close to death. We are
just now opening up the conversations to everything we both went through (most of which he says he doesn't remember ~ trying not to give him the side eye) for the last 4-5 years of him being in a AH fog. He hid the severity of his drinking from me & lied when I asked about it. I knew he had a "couple" of drinks after work & on the weekends. I'd been commenting on his drinking, how much, being drunk, smelling like bourbon, but I had NO idea he was drinking a 5th a day until I found all the empty bottles in his car... I can't even begin to explain how I felt. I became conditioned to living in survival mode.. always trying to keep everything in check and as close to "normal" as I could. I was definitely codependent. I'm trying to chill out & let his new personality develop as we go on this journey. He currently has a ankle tether to monitor any alcohol in his system & also a blow & go on his car. The tether comes off at the end of June, but the blow & go will stay on throughout his probation, January 2025. So, right now for me knowing he can't drink AT ALL & is being monitored 2 ways has calmed my anxiety. I am trying to live in the moment & not think about what the future may hold. I am also working on forgiving myself for everything I put myself through and forgiving him. I don't know who he will turn out to be... I know I love him regardless ... but he is definitely a changed man and I am a changed woman.
2024.. not 2025 Whoops!
This post hit so close to home right now. My twins dad, my partner for the past two years. Has now been sober for 4 weeks after I had to kick him out of my house after a DV situation that involved myself and the twins. This was the first time he ever got violent but the mental abuse had been going on for sometime. I am lost and don't know what to do. I feel like he expects me to just let him back in even though it's only been 4 weeks. He also refuses to get any outside help. I felt every word of waiting on pins and needles wondering how long its going to last. I'm hurt and trying to figure out how to heal and I'm not sure I can do that with him or trust him again.
My advice (and I'm sorry - because you didn't ask for it) is: try not to let him back in until he proves to you that he is on the very serious path to recovery. What does a serious path to recovery look like? In-patient or out patient rehab, at least one councilor who specializes in the science of addiction, support groups, willingness to submit drug/alcohol testing, and since their is now a history of violence - he cannot have unsupervised time with the twins. This is serious stuff and I bet reading that brings up a lot of anxiety. You might not be ready to enforce this (through a lawyer) but this is what a road to long term (10 years or more) recovery can look like.
There are other ways to sobriety, not everyone needs the same treatment plan BUT professionals are usually always part of the formula. Most important is a willingness and strong desire from your loved one to get sober. If they don't have that - I'm afraid their sobriety might not last. You're a smart person - do you see him willing to admit he has a problem and want nothing more than to get sober? If not, then expect more of the same behavior.
If you decide to let him back - we will never judge you. Because we have been in your shoes. Just at the very least, document this. Take photos and notes. Put them on an app that can only be opened through face recognition and just begin to look for lawyers. You don't need to call them - but have a number or two in mind just incase. I am not sure how old your children are but perhaps consider not letting them be alone with him if you take him back?
Again, this is just my advice - I am not a lawyer or social worker so always take it or leave it:)
Thank you so much for the advice I really do appreciate it. I am so lost and confused right now. I would love for him to do outpatient counseling anger management anything. He does admit that he does have a problem. I am just not sure how I can love him the same. The twins are 9 months old and right now he does only have supervised visits. I have looked into lawyers. I know I need to start on my own healing journey as well.
This is my exact feeling, wish I had the answers!
My STBXAH stopped drinking 8 months ago. He did an online 9 week program, but otherwise refuses help or support. His behavior is not much different than before, except that he hasn’t done the scary raging. I still get the silent treatment, aggressive driving, long political diatribes, etc. He still says he loves me and can’t imagine life without me, but too much damage has been done to me and our kids. With him refusing to get support, I just don’t trust that anything will be different.
My AH was doing so good. Tonight he had a relapse. How do I stay supportive when I’m so disappointed? My expectations are still there but he’s losing sight of everything because he wants to come home. He needs help and counseling but is determined to do this on his own. He’s very strong willed but no match for this awful addiction without God & help. He says if he comes home he can stay sober and we know that’s not possible. We can start over tomorrow but I’m afraid it’ll be a terrible cycle over and over until he caves and asks for help. I felt like I had healthy boundaries but now I’m stressed and disappointed talking on the phone at 2 am to the other person. The alcoholic. I deleted my other comment about how the last week has been so nice to have him sober for the first time. Am I punishing him? No I’m refusing to give attention to the addiction.
I finally had to voice to my AH that I no longer wanted to hear his apologies and told him that he can not do this alone. He had to get help and be accountable to someone other than me because he no longer cared about me. He only cared about the alcohol. So until the other 'relationship' was removed, there was no way I would be able to help. He thought that he could beat it on his own. I think he has finally realized that he cannot. But it took years for him to get there. Unfortunately it will probably be a terrible cycle because that's how alcoholism works. You just have to stand your ground and make sure you are taking care of yourself because that is the one thing that you can control. You cannot control what he says or does. I told my AH that I would support him but I would no longer help him. It took him awhile to understand that but I have held my ground and he has realized that he must be the one doing the work and that I will not do any of it for him. It was hard to let go of that control for me because I thought that if I kept suggesting and researching and offering suggestions then I was still helping and that he would get better. But that's not how it works. I had to let go completely and let him figure it out on his own. I think he is on the right path. I support him and what he is doing now. He is working through it and I support him. But HE is the one doing it. It's tough to let go of the control but it is necessary. At some point we will have to work on 'us'. That day will come but for right now we have to concentrate on ourselves. He must realize first what the alcoholism has done to him and also what it has done to me and us. It will be awhile before I totally feel comfortable in letting my walls down. Hang in there. You have support from many women in the same situation!
I am like you. I believe they need support, otherwise the behavior that caused the addiction in the first place will never change. 💗
I gave my husband an ultimatum... treatment or his family. But now that he’s been home and a couple months sober, I don’t want to be his wife anymore. We’ve been through so much together in the last five years and I’m exhausted. He’s made choices since he’s been home that show me he went to treatment for the wrong reasons and I’ve had to act more like his mother than his partner.
I am really struggling since we each have two kids from previous marriages. I don’t want to be 31 with two divorces under my belt and put my kids through that again. I feel stuck with no family and no other housing available in the town I live in.
Your feed is about to have my name alllll over it lol. I finally signed up and so glad I did! So now I’m going through every post! My husband (now ex husband) got “sober” for a year. He was very unhappy. Didn’t get excited about anything. Wasn’t loving toward me. He was almost even more manipulative than when he was actively drinking and smoking weed.