What Does It Feel Like After They Get Sober?

We're all hoping for the day when they choose us over their addiction - but what happens when that day actually comes?

Your loved one has decided to get sober. And you’re feeling relieved, hopeful, grateful, and worried about how long it will last. I get it.

For so many years, I was convinced that if my ex-husband would just admit hoarding and hiding alcohol all over the house probably (definitely!) meant he had a problem - we could get down to work and start RECOVERING. I’m not sure about you, but I feel like a bottle of vodka hidden in the upper compartment of the toilet next to the pump is sort of a red flag?

Then it happened! After years of lectures, hangovers, many bar receipts, and a few arrests - he admitted - out loud - that, YES, his drinking was not under control. And I thought - THIS IS IT! VICTORY! Our lives are about to get sooo much better because isn’t admitting half the battle?

Turns out - not so much.

Admitting you have an addiction is very different than committing to do something about your addiction.

If your loved one is taking the very brave step and trying to get sober - that’s pretty incredible.

But now what?

What’s your new role in this unfamiliar territory?

• Do you count the bottles?

• Check the familiar hiding places?

• Erase all your old boundaries?

• Blame yourself for not trusting them right away?

• Make yourself busy while waiting on pins and needles for them to relapse?

(the answer is clearly a very strong "N.O." to all of these rhetorical questions - but you already knew that, didn’t you).

Here’s the most surprising thing about sobriety…

Sobriety doesn’t guarantee happiness for you or the one you love.

For some of us - the partner we love will get help, learn the tools to cope, and live up to their potential. Dreams can come true (cue the Cinderella theme song). And if that's you - we are incredibly happy for you. Truly.

But for most (just keeping it real up in here) - the fantasy of sobriety doesn’t live up to the reality.

The sober person is different than the addicted person, who is different than the younger person you fell in love with.

And it feels like you’re with an entirely new person.

A person you don’t quite recognize.

This person might be incredibly uptight or angry.

They might be detached or distracted.

They might even be obsessive about their sobriety.

And you, my loving, kind, and incredible friend, might secretly be thinking, “gosh, I think it was easier when they were actively addicted.”

Because at least you knew how to deal with that.

But this person? Who is trying to stay sober? This I am not sure about (side eyes).

Have you experienced this? Did your loved one get sober, and you don’t know quite what to do now? It doesn’t feel as good as you imagined? Maybe it’s better than you imagined? Maybe not?

Let's share our experiences about our loved ones getting sober: the good, the bad, the ugly. We are here for all of it - without judgment.

And if your loved one is not showing signs of getting sober - what do you hope will come from their sobriety? What are your fantasy expectations if this day ever comes?

Because addiction is the worst, and it's so much better to get through it together.

P.S. The article is free (this week), but in order to help keep our little community safe and sound - the comment section is for paid subscribers only. I hang out in the comment section too:) I hope you subscribe.

Our dog Tubby is constantly giving us side eyes.