It's almost time for Valentine's Day and Super Bowl Sunday (in America). One holiday can leave us feeling disappointed and unloved, wondering, "Why don't they love me enough?" We see the commercials for Valentine's Day with loving couples, chocolates, and flowers, but that's usually not our reality. We live in a different world. A world where love is unreliable. Where love hurts. And when they reach for the drinks, drugs, or whatever else is distracting them from getting healthy, we feel rejected over and over.
Good word, Michelle! Loved the line "We are independent women in charge of our own lives". We don't have to babysit. And we do have to take care of ourselves.
Another group I am part of had a reflection that I will share part of here -
Thank you Michelle for always acknowledging these dates are not as joyous as others make it seem. On Valentine’s Day I have my initial divorce hearing from my alcoholic husband of 13 years.
It will be a bittersweet day for me, but I have your programs, I listen to you on Spotify and I read your Substacks. This gives me strength ❤️
Keep shedding light and hope, WE HEAR YOU, WE FEEL YOU!
I think I will try to actually enjoy this Sunday in my daughter’s company. I live with my grandmother which I discovered partied/drank a lot during the time she was raising up her family. They all grew to became alcoholics, marry one or both. On and on and on!! However, I never paid close attention until I kept noticing awful behavior patterns with her that left me wondering what makes her act this way; manipulative, ignorant, bitter, selfish, self absorbed and immature. Always having some pity party for herself. Notice the word “act”. Always an act!! Reminds me of the dry drunk I once knew from my dad’s dad. Now I have a better understanding and a clear picture of what I dealing with- or not. The symptoms are the same. I am working to apply the principles of detachment and carrying on. My life is good. Self care and my with daughter ❤️
This one hit home for me. I have too often tried to control a situation, making myself miserable and having no effect whatsoever on his choices or behavior. Each time, I have experienced resentment, shame, even guilt: "I should have done more to prevent this from happening, I should try harder to get help for him." Preposterous, I see now so clearly.
What I would add you that is how much I have been growing even in recent weeks in regard to "babysitting" and self care. How looking for bottles is just another form of "control" or trying to "figure it out." Ha! So I will be responsible for me, lower expectations, honor myself, and live with a grateful heart for all the beauty that is in my life!
Hi, I'm not with my husband anymore but this week has been hard going . My child is struggling right now, and I am trying so hard to get support for him and keep all the plates spinning. But this weekend, I actually listened to my body and mind, I took a nap instead of doing the housework, it really did help. We do forget to take some time for ourselves don't we. Xx
BTW, I don't know whether I posted any of the continuing saga, but my husband has stopped drinking! No party horns, ladies. The battle has just begun.
A summary of what followed was hospitalization twice, jaundice, ascites, steady weakening, confusion... And one more 24-hor binge: a liter of vodka overnight. I was surprised he lived through it. I left the apt. and stayed with him 24/7.
No doubt by then it was late stage cirrhosis.
Hepatologist early Jan, new meds, weekly paracentesis (drawing about 6 liter at a time) PeTH tests (measures amt. and approx. time of last drink) every other week. (He had not drank since the vodka binge. He couldn't even drive half of the time.)
By the, he looked 20 years older. He shuffled along, wasn't eating. It culminated in falling down in the snow twice and not being able to get up--literally could not get up. A neighbor stopped to help--he's too heavy for me. The the blood puking. I believed he had reached the end.
Ambulance to ER , a first, and this time it was acute kidney and liver failure. It was the saddest thing in the world to watch. And I did not want this to be the end of us.
Over the course of that long stay, they were able to restore kidney function, the damage having been caused by cirrhosis, which he of course still had. He was confused much of the time. To this day he doesn't remember the 48 hours we spent in ER.
A few good things have come out of this horror: he has stopped drinking, he is managing his own meds and other care more, and he is adering to the low salt, low sugar, low fat diet. (Try consuming the recommended 2400 calories per day without any of that! It's been a challenge, to say the least.) Adherence to these behaviors is the only way he'll live long enough to get a liver.
Now our lives are filled with searching for transplant hospitals, especially those who do some experimental transplantation. He has been turned down for addition to "the list" at two hospitals based on needing more time to see his commitment to sobriety.
Best chance for anyone is to find a live donor. I will be tested at whatever facility accepts him. Otherwise, we have to find one, and most people don't opt for live liver donation unless it's for their own loved one. But we will search and search and search.
The post-mortem donation is tricky, kind of a Catch 22 (after you get on the 12,000-people-long list): if you are not very sick, you do not move to the top; if the need is dire and you are moved to the top, you have to stay healthy enough to survive surgery. If not, you wait to die. It is dismal. Our hope is that someone in the family will step up. Some have stated outright that they're not going to waste their liver on a "drunk."
As I promised my husband many times over the years: You may not care if you die; but there are things worse than death.
I have no desire to "rub it in" or say, "I told you so!" I want him to live and for us to have the golden years together. Emotions are a confused mess of resentment, fear, love, compassion, and exhaustion. I try to be my best self (and fail quite a bit) so that if this IS our last time together, I can treasure this happiness forever.
I have never gotten my apologies--not real ones that acknowledge the pain of my experiences or the weight of it all. "I'm sorry for everything," is the best I can get. For now, I will take that and look to a future in which I can express this need again, and just maybe it'll happen.
We have PTs, OTs, MSWs, and RN's in and out of the house. He's doing so much better than he had been! May G-d work through them to restore strength and hope.
I really needed to talk this out. Thank you for being a safe space.
I love reading and listening to your thoughts. I think the best thing is the addict does this again and doesn’t care about the consequences or who picks up the pieces and we have a choice
Thank you Michelle. It was a tough week to get through! I found the cap to a needle in his pants pocket just before Valentine’s Day. He tried to tell me it was a wire cap because he’s an electrician. He tries to make me dumb! I know the difference in caps! He’s been in an outpatient recovery but I feel like it’s just a revolving door of addicts and no real cure. I also think he is going to just pacify me into believing he wants to get clean! Today I’m suspicious he’s using and spent an hour searching the house for evidence. I know that is crazy, but he will keep telling me lies if I don’t have the evidence to prove it! Like I know the 2 different people you talk about , except my husband becomes over affectionate when he’s high and acts like he’s interested in what I’m talking about. Work stuff, etc. when he’s not high he’s half listening to what I’m saying! He doesn’t get that I know the 2 different people! I’d leave him if I could afford to live on my own, I’m stuck! The drugs are slowly killing him and me!
Thanks for this Michelle. I am still learning to set boundaries and this was a good reminder. I succeeded in staying away from my husband while he was drinking on super bowl, but still overheard him making comments and felt annoyed and embarrassed....I made the mistake of being his chauffeur too. I appreciate the suggestion to not do that. Thank you for all you do.❤
Good word, Michelle! Loved the line "We are independent women in charge of our own lives". We don't have to babysit. And we do have to take care of ourselves.
Another group I am part of had a reflection that I will share part of here -
Stop trying to figure it out.
Stop trying to come up with a plan.
Stop trying to interfere.
Stop trying to manipulate.
Stop trying to control.
Stop trying to do what I think is best.
Stop – period.
Hold space
for God
to be God
in your life.~❤
©️ Stacy L. Sanchez
Thank you Michelle for always acknowledging these dates are not as joyous as others make it seem. On Valentine’s Day I have my initial divorce hearing from my alcoholic husband of 13 years.
It will be a bittersweet day for me, but I have your programs, I listen to you on Spotify and I read your Substacks. This gives me strength ❤️
Keep shedding light and hope, WE HEAR YOU, WE FEEL YOU!
I think I will try to actually enjoy this Sunday in my daughter’s company. I live with my grandmother which I discovered partied/drank a lot during the time she was raising up her family. They all grew to became alcoholics, marry one or both. On and on and on!! However, I never paid close attention until I kept noticing awful behavior patterns with her that left me wondering what makes her act this way; manipulative, ignorant, bitter, selfish, self absorbed and immature. Always having some pity party for herself. Notice the word “act”. Always an act!! Reminds me of the dry drunk I once knew from my dad’s dad. Now I have a better understanding and a clear picture of what I dealing with- or not. The symptoms are the same. I am working to apply the principles of detachment and carrying on. My life is good. Self care and my with daughter ❤️
Thanks michelle taking your advice great help keeping strong for many years now
This one hit home for me. I have too often tried to control a situation, making myself miserable and having no effect whatsoever on his choices or behavior. Each time, I have experienced resentment, shame, even guilt: "I should have done more to prevent this from happening, I should try harder to get help for him." Preposterous, I see now so clearly.
What I would add you that is how much I have been growing even in recent weeks in regard to "babysitting" and self care. How looking for bottles is just another form of "control" or trying to "figure it out." Ha! So I will be responsible for me, lower expectations, honor myself, and live with a grateful heart for all the beauty that is in my life!
Hi, I'm not with my husband anymore but this week has been hard going . My child is struggling right now, and I am trying so hard to get support for him and keep all the plates spinning. But this weekend, I actually listened to my body and mind, I took a nap instead of doing the housework, it really did help. We do forget to take some time for ourselves don't we. Xx
BTW, I don't know whether I posted any of the continuing saga, but my husband has stopped drinking! No party horns, ladies. The battle has just begun.
A summary of what followed was hospitalization twice, jaundice, ascites, steady weakening, confusion... And one more 24-hor binge: a liter of vodka overnight. I was surprised he lived through it. I left the apt. and stayed with him 24/7.
No doubt by then it was late stage cirrhosis.
Hepatologist early Jan, new meds, weekly paracentesis (drawing about 6 liter at a time) PeTH tests (measures amt. and approx. time of last drink) every other week. (He had not drank since the vodka binge. He couldn't even drive half of the time.)
By the, he looked 20 years older. He shuffled along, wasn't eating. It culminated in falling down in the snow twice and not being able to get up--literally could not get up. A neighbor stopped to help--he's too heavy for me. The the blood puking. I believed he had reached the end.
Ambulance to ER , a first, and this time it was acute kidney and liver failure. It was the saddest thing in the world to watch. And I did not want this to be the end of us.
Over the course of that long stay, they were able to restore kidney function, the damage having been caused by cirrhosis, which he of course still had. He was confused much of the time. To this day he doesn't remember the 48 hours we spent in ER.
A few good things have come out of this horror: he has stopped drinking, he is managing his own meds and other care more, and he is adering to the low salt, low sugar, low fat diet. (Try consuming the recommended 2400 calories per day without any of that! It's been a challenge, to say the least.) Adherence to these behaviors is the only way he'll live long enough to get a liver.
Now our lives are filled with searching for transplant hospitals, especially those who do some experimental transplantation. He has been turned down for addition to "the list" at two hospitals based on needing more time to see his commitment to sobriety.
Best chance for anyone is to find a live donor. I will be tested at whatever facility accepts him. Otherwise, we have to find one, and most people don't opt for live liver donation unless it's for their own loved one. But we will search and search and search.
The post-mortem donation is tricky, kind of a Catch 22 (after you get on the 12,000-people-long list): if you are not very sick, you do not move to the top; if the need is dire and you are moved to the top, you have to stay healthy enough to survive surgery. If not, you wait to die. It is dismal. Our hope is that someone in the family will step up. Some have stated outright that they're not going to waste their liver on a "drunk."
As I promised my husband many times over the years: You may not care if you die; but there are things worse than death.
I have no desire to "rub it in" or say, "I told you so!" I want him to live and for us to have the golden years together. Emotions are a confused mess of resentment, fear, love, compassion, and exhaustion. I try to be my best self (and fail quite a bit) so that if this IS our last time together, I can treasure this happiness forever.
I have never gotten my apologies--not real ones that acknowledge the pain of my experiences or the weight of it all. "I'm sorry for everything," is the best I can get. For now, I will take that and look to a future in which I can express this need again, and just maybe it'll happen.
We have PTs, OTs, MSWs, and RN's in and out of the house. He's doing so much better than he had been! May G-d work through them to restore strength and hope.
I really needed to talk this out. Thank you for being a safe space.
Hope you’re well Michelle… you sounded slightly different … hope you are ok x
These are never long enough, but always comforting .
Warm regards
Sus
I love reading and listening to your thoughts. I think the best thing is the addict does this again and doesn’t care about the consequences or who picks up the pieces and we have a choice
Thank you Michelle. It was a tough week to get through! I found the cap to a needle in his pants pocket just before Valentine’s Day. He tried to tell me it was a wire cap because he’s an electrician. He tries to make me dumb! I know the difference in caps! He’s been in an outpatient recovery but I feel like it’s just a revolving door of addicts and no real cure. I also think he is going to just pacify me into believing he wants to get clean! Today I’m suspicious he’s using and spent an hour searching the house for evidence. I know that is crazy, but he will keep telling me lies if I don’t have the evidence to prove it! Like I know the 2 different people you talk about , except my husband becomes over affectionate when he’s high and acts like he’s interested in what I’m talking about. Work stuff, etc. when he’s not high he’s half listening to what I’m saying! He doesn’t get that I know the 2 different people! I’d leave him if I could afford to live on my own, I’m stuck! The drugs are slowly killing him and me!
Thanks for this Michelle. I am still learning to set boundaries and this was a good reminder. I succeeded in staying away from my husband while he was drinking on super bowl, but still overheard him making comments and felt annoyed and embarrassed....I made the mistake of being his chauffeur too. I appreciate the suggestion to not do that. Thank you for all you do.❤