34 Comments
User's avatar
KatinCanada's avatar

Great read..my husband is currently 2 wks into rehab..first time..he decided this on his own..he has done a lot of self help getting here..he will be in for 45 days..I hope for positive results for him. I learned to detach from the addict through LOA and feel so much better inside..his lies.. addiction..broken promises were killing me inside..I prayed to just become numb to feel nothing..I guess that was to become detached from the addict..keep a quiet mouth and stay in my own lane.Ty For being here tor Us all Michelle..you are the Best.

Expand full comment
Michelle Anderson's avatar

Love you for sharing that my fellow Canadian 🇨🇦 💝 so proud of you for detaching

Expand full comment
Marcia's avatar

My husband claims to be 2 months sober but I don't buy it. I have learned to stop listening to the talk and watch his actions. He seems so convincing and I am sure he has many fooled at his meetings but after 25 years I know what to look for. What I need to work on for myself is to not react. He asks me to hold him accountable yet whenever I call him out I am called "unsupportive". I thank you for this blog because it makes me feel less crazy. My husband has the gift of schmooze and I think he even has himself convinced. What I can say is that he is finally admitting that he has a problem and that is a small victory. As for trust...I have a long, long way to go before I will ever trust him again and that is sad. Nice to know I am not alone in this struggle.

Expand full comment
Michelle Anderson's avatar

They can be so charming when it suits their needs. Good for you for looking at the actions not the words. You are very wise Marcia.

Expand full comment
Nora's avatar

I can’t thank you enough for this article. It all resonated with me. It is good to know I am not alone in my thoughts, but I am deeply sorry so many people are living with this disease. It is difficult to know when to call it quits especially when I love him.

Expand full comment
Michelle Anderson's avatar

You are definitely not alone Nora. We are all here for you. 💗

Expand full comment
Jill's avatar

Thank you for this article, it hit home with me at Hello! I too know by the first second I see or hear him. My husband continues to lie about his drinking straight to my face every day. All trust is gone. Words don’t mean anything anymore. I don’t know why I stay except that I’m a hopeful person and he currently has a job and it’s better financially right now. But as history shows that too shall change! I appreciate your words of wisdom!!

Expand full comment
Barbara E Murray's avatar

So true. I can tell by looking at him whether he is drinking again--the way his eyes look, the way he holds his head, and walks--then I know to be on guard and not believe him, no matter how earnest he seems.

Expand full comment
Dawn Dagenais's avatar

I needed to hear this today. How do yall deal with the humiliation? Embarrassment. I don't feel like I want anyone to know. I don't want my grown children to worry about me and/or think that I am weak and just accepted it over and over. Thoughts anyone?

Expand full comment
Meghan W's avatar

Do you judge others in your same position as harshly as you judge yourself? Or do you see why others stay/put up with it, and give them a break, but can’t extend yourself the same compassion? I would start with the core emotions (anger, resentment, shame) and work through them and love yourself while doing so… you were and are doing the best you can with what you have. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, it matters how you feel about yourself.

Expand full comment
Michelle Anderson's avatar

Awesome advice Meghan.

Expand full comment
Dawn Dagenais's avatar

That's a great perspective. Thank you. You're right I NEVER give myself the same grace I give others.

Expand full comment
Wendy's avatar

Part of our sickness is feeling their feelings for them and experiencing their negative consequences for them. HE is the one who should feel embarrassed and humiliated about how he’s living his life, not you. HE is the weak one, not you! It takes monumental strength to love and stay with an addict.

Expand full comment
Karen Hollabaugh's avatar

I am learning to only pay attention to his actions.

I just nod and smile and don't engage in deep conversations when he says he is "really tired" or his back is "hurting." It usually feels to me like he has been drinking. I may not have seen it happen It doesn't matter. I just stay in my lane and keep a quiet mouth. My new additiction therapist says, like you, Michelle, to "only watch behavior" that tells me everything I need to know! And I do not have to engage with poor behavior. 🩷

Expand full comment
Ana F's avatar

My husband has gotten worse throughout the years, can only seem to stay sober for 2 weeks after getting help… Binge drinks for the next 2 until his body can’t no more. I’m so worn out 😫 I honestly can’t anymore.. I’m an emotional wreck, half the time feeling anxious! I feel so guilty just thinking I need out for my own sake.. but is it valid to feel this way of wanting out!?!? 😭😭😭

Expand full comment
Nora's avatar

Your feelings don’t lie. Lately I have found it helpful to give my husband attention during the day (he works from home) and to lovingly detach around 3 when he begins his drinking. I practice self care by removing myself. My daily mantra is the 3Cs. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. Take care of yourself. ❤️

Expand full comment
Ana F's avatar

Thank you so much for your reply! 🙏🏽 I will work on this, specially in taking care of myself.. that will be my recovery ❤️‍🩹

Expand full comment
Karen Hollabaugh's avatar

Nora - very wise!!

Expand full comment
Hootz's avatar

I feel the same Ana and I think it’s totally normal. The exhaustion and stress/anxiety is on another level. I see it now as save yourself situation. In my relationship right now it’s me or him

Expand full comment
Ana F's avatar

😢 I never realized how many of us are going through this situation.. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽 prayers for all!

Expand full comment
Katrina's avatar

Thank you for this article and all your articles. I so much enjoy reading them. I have a 32yr daughter who is in so much denial of a drug addiction for the past 6yrs and are in desperate help. I’m hoping an article will be posted for denial. Thanks

Expand full comment
Karen Hollabaugh's avatar

P.S. THANK YOU, Michelle and LOA!!

Expand full comment
Brianna's avatar

My husband has been "sober" for a year and a half(when he started saying he was sober). I wanted to get sober in supoort of him so i haven't drank since then. Since about November I actually thought he might be sober. I was trying to to not ask, just trusting. But I ended up finding cans in his truck. We live very rural and he picked up a case on his way home from work in town. I tried to trust him this time until I found those. He isn't coming home drunk like he used too almost 2 years ago. I couldn't even tell he had. He said that it was only that one time but I found some cans hidden in the shop garbage. It's such a hard feeling to know in your gut but you try to suppress it and blame it on the years of lying. Deep down I knew. We have four young kids and I'm pregnant with our fifth. I'm so angry and sad for him all at the same time. His brother committed suicide 4 years ago losing his battle to alcohol addiction. Praying my husband can fight his demons and stay sober. He is such a good hardworking man. I know he is trying.

Expand full comment
Hannah's avatar

My partner and I are both in recovery. He is in recovery from alcohol and I am in recovery from drugs. He relapsed last week and is now sober again, but during the few days he was drinking he lied to me every day multiple times. Every day we ask each other “Are you sober?” at least once. When he relapses it’s hard for me to not relapse too because of all the difficult emotions that come up for me. This time I didn’t relapse too. Thank you for your articles, I’ve been reading for while.

Expand full comment
Hootz's avatar

Well done for not relapsing Hannah - sounds like you need to keep your sobriety separate from his. You can work on yours regardless of where he is at

Expand full comment
Sari's avatar

This post helped me so much my husband was a year sober then relapsed for a year because he honestly thought he “could handle light beer” this became a cycle of light beer, heavy beer, really high alc beer, whiskey, then hitting rock bottom and deciding to stay sober. My issue was his not communicating with me about his sober plan . After a tiff about my wanting to be in the know and him taking it defensive as me controlling we worked it out. Trust is really hard but while his words were slim his actions have been good, so this post really helped me see that.

Expand full comment
KatinCanada's avatar

My husband is 130 days meth free..

Expand full comment
reader1234's avatar

This is just what I needed right now. My husband will go to AA tomorrow to get his 8 month coin. I came home from errands this afternoon and could sense something was different. We all know what I’m talking about. I asked if he’d had a drink while I was out and I got his classic denial. Like how could I seriously ask that. Evening continued on w more behavior that I recognize from before rehab in November. He goes 6days a week. Has made friends and loves his mtgs. So this behavior tonight was a punch to my gut. I started to believe him and go back to those same thoughts I used to have: I’m overreacting; he’s telling the truth; I shouldn’t ask him if he’s been drinking.

He apologized for his behavior—nothing abusive or horrible— he just goes overboard with everything. “I know you’re upset. I’m sorry”. I told him I was going out to walk and he asked me not to leave. And I found this episode. I’d quit listening because I thought we were smooth sailing! This is what I need to hear: watch-don’t listen. And trust my instincts. Thank you, Michelle. ❤️

Expand full comment
Jennifer R's avatar

Thank you Michelle for all the encouraging words. And thank you to all the wonder ladies for sharing their stories and encouraging words. It nice to know I am not alone and others know how I feel.

Expand full comment