The Truth About Trusting Them

When our loved ones who struggle with addiction choose to go to rehab or get help, it can bring up all sorts of feelings. We might feel hopeful that maybe THIS time, they will get sober for good. We might feel scared that maybe this won’t work and will be a huge disappointment. We might feel resentful that they are being cared for and looked after while we are left at home working overtime to make up for their absence.

But one of the biggest worries I hear often is concerning trust. How can we ever trust them again?

Trust is a HUGE issue when we’re in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction. We are often lied to so much that our trust feels like it’s permanently gone. Trust can never be restored in our relationships.

But is that true?

How do we trust our partner again? Can it ever be possible? Or will we always worry and be constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Trusting again is entirely possible under the right circumstances. We can, and we should trust the ones we are planning on spending the rest of our lives with. If we can’t trust them, we’ll end up exhausted from the constant anxiety that they will disappoint us again.

So how do we get to a place where we can relax in peace and finally trust the one who has hurt us and lied to us about their drinking, drug use, cheating, or pornography?

Here’s the answer in one simple sentence (ok, two sentences):

We watch, we don’t listen. We open our eyes, and we close our ears.

One thing that helped me was considering the idea that the disease is a separate identity in my relationship; perhaps that will help you, too. There are three of us in our relationships: us, the ones we love, and this disease.

This disease knows exactly what to say to get away with anything. It knows just the right button to push to get us to deny our gut instincts or make us believe that we’re crazy and there is nothing to be upset about.

If we find ourselves struggling to trust them again after rehab, that’s ok. After being lied to for so long, it will take at least half that time to feel comfortable that our partners have changed and are committed to their sobriety. We must not be manipulated by this disease - if something feels wrong - it most likely is.

I could always tell just from the way my partner said, “hello” that he had been drinking. My stomach would feel like it was being punched. My throat would sometimes close up, or my heart would sink.

That’s when I learned it’s important to watch my partner’s actions (not their words) if I needed to regain trust. I needed to wait and watch to see if his actions lined up with his promises.

If he said he isn’t going to go to the bar after work, I ignored it and waited to see what he actually did after work.

If he promised that he would stop looking at porn I would nod my head, but let his promises pass right through me. Instead, I would wait to see if he snuck into his office or went somewhere private to look at his phone.

When our trust has been broken by someone who has a history of lying to us, we can stop paying attention to the words and just watch their actions. We don’t need to hang onto promises and get our hearts broken because once again, we believed them, and once again, they broke our trust.

I spoke to a woman whose husband is making it very easy for her to trust him again. He comes home clean and sober when he says he’s going to be home. Her husband makes attending his meetings the biggest priority in his life. He chooses not to miss one, no matter what comes up. He is so passionate about his sobriety that he is choosing to mentor young men.

That is an example of a man who is working hard to regain his wife's trust. And it’s working. Because he’s consistent and his actions line up with his promises.

Trust only works with consistency and time.

Do you feel like you can trust your partner? I would love to hear from you in the comments.

P.S. If your partner has relapsed, give yourself permission to relapse with your trust.

---

Would you rather listen to these newsletters? The Love Over Addiction podcast is back. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Amazon (for free). I have always refused (and will continue) sponsors and commercials.

---