Thank you Michelle for another insightful post. It truly resonated with me and gave me thoughts to ponder when dealing in my current situation of still married to but not living with my alcoholic husband. Living apart has been a godsend to me to really consider our situation and focus on myself. I look forward to your next post:)
I really appreciate reading all your comments and insights. I'm struggling to be compassionate because I feel like I'm in a holding pattern waiting for an apology of some kind. I have yet to ever hear the words, "I'm sorry...". I've been told I can wait a long time for that to happen. I understand how compassion can help, but I'll need to dig deep.
I needed this today so much. Your podcasts attached to these posts are now what I listen to in the morning before going to work to run a business alongside my very difficult, very hard to love right now recovering alcoholic. I appreciate you so much. Thank you Michelle
I’m at a hotel with mixed feelings. One moment I’m going to stay for the long haul and another moment I want him to leave. He got back from 5 weeks of rehab and started drinking 3 weeks later. Won’t go to AA or do the process. He is trying very hard but has set backs too often. It’s now been 8 weeks since he got home. I move out two nights a week to make my point that I need to take care of myself. He won’t leave and cannot when he’s drinking so I go to a hotel for 2 nights so I can get my work done and have done peace. My kids are grown.
Also I am getting used to navigating through this site but I love it because it’s line the alon meetings I used to go to. Take what you’ld like and leave the rest . Now work it because you’re worth it.
It is hard to be compassionate but I can do it. I know if I’m not it makes more problems for me and I don’t want to project onto anyone else. That will drive me crazy and I don’t want that. I also want to add something here that had greatly helped me in my life dealing with my ex husband . First when he would say something crazy to me like , you’ve really let yourself go. Which I hadn’t I just simply said , Thank You and my ex husband literally
Said What did you just say. It’s so hard to not argue with a drunk or a narcissist, but when you don’t let them argue with you by saying thank you. It changes the conversation and you can walk your way out of it . And remember when your upset it makes your day worse not the person that is the addict.
It’s so hard to have compassion for him when I see how his actions keep hurting me. I know he struggles, but I’m getting to the point where it’s too painful to be I. The line of fire of his struggles.
For me, I had to come to an understanding of what compassion is. Compassion isn’t pity. It isn’t “poor baby, you can’t help it.” Think of it this way.
If his life is truly falling apart it’s sad, but because of what he’s done, shouldn’t it be? Isn’t personal pain the only thing that can ever produce real change? Compassion for their pain is a beautiful gift that we, all of us, have to learn to use correctly. Instead of letting compassion move us to save them and fix their feelings, we need to let it say “I understand and I believe in your power to effect change in your own circumstances.” Compassion *stands back* with love and support while pity rushes in to rescue.
Pity says “you can’t” while compassion says “you can.”
Something bad may happen if we cut them loose (compassion), but it won’t be our doing or our fault. They have options before them, and it’s up to them which option they choose. They can choose to get help for themselves, which is far far better than us simply covering their pain again for them.
From Getting Them Sober by Drews:
“Now, don't go feeling sorry for him! That's not the medicine he needs. He needs tough love. He needs you not to give him tender, loving care. He needs to feel enough pain from his sick behavior that he will hurt enough to get help to live.”
You are in my head!!! The last week has challenged every fiber of my loving, caring self. Thank you for helping me go into the pain he has to come out being the me I know I am.
“Taking time for your husband on a level that they feel completed and loved may be the key” to their sobriety.
With respect to you, I disagree. If love and attention and concern could make someone stop drinking, there would be no alcoholics or drug addicts in the world. Drinkers concoct many reasons why they drink and their favorite excuse is US: what we are, what we’re not, what we say, what we didn’t say, etc. He was not sharing some deep insight with you. He was shifting all responsibility and blame onto you.
Thanks for sharing Judy. Wow, what some insight from your partner. It’s like he’s telling you he’s bored/lonely without you, but also kinda putting the blame on you for seemingly being “too busy”? Does he have a lot of friends outside of you? Any hobbies? I too would struggle with that response.
A rule I try to live by is “If it’s good for me, it’s good for the alcoholic.”
Thank you Michelle for another insightful post. It truly resonated with me and gave me thoughts to ponder when dealing in my current situation of still married to but not living with my alcoholic husband. Living apart has been a godsend to me to really consider our situation and focus on myself. I look forward to your next post:)
I really appreciate reading all your comments and insights. I'm struggling to be compassionate because I feel like I'm in a holding pattern waiting for an apology of some kind. I have yet to ever hear the words, "I'm sorry...". I've been told I can wait a long time for that to happen. I understand how compassion can help, but I'll need to dig deep.
I needed this today so much. Your podcasts attached to these posts are now what I listen to in the morning before going to work to run a business alongside my very difficult, very hard to love right now recovering alcoholic. I appreciate you so much. Thank you Michelle
I really miss the occasional live interactions we had with you, Michelle. Those group interactions kept us feeling connected.
I’m at a hotel with mixed feelings. One moment I’m going to stay for the long haul and another moment I want him to leave. He got back from 5 weeks of rehab and started drinking 3 weeks later. Won’t go to AA or do the process. He is trying very hard but has set backs too often. It’s now been 8 weeks since he got home. I move out two nights a week to make my point that I need to take care of myself. He won’t leave and cannot when he’s drinking so I go to a hotel for 2 nights so I can get my work done and have done peace. My kids are grown.
It’s so good you are taking care of your needs. Keep your focus on you. ❤️
Also I am getting used to navigating through this site but I love it because it’s line the alon meetings I used to go to. Take what you’ld like and leave the rest . Now work it because you’re worth it.
It is hard to be compassionate but I can do it. I know if I’m not it makes more problems for me and I don’t want to project onto anyone else. That will drive me crazy and I don’t want that. I also want to add something here that had greatly helped me in my life dealing with my ex husband . First when he would say something crazy to me like , you’ve really let yourself go. Which I hadn’t I just simply said , Thank You and my ex husband literally
Said What did you just say. It’s so hard to not argue with a drunk or a narcissist, but when you don’t let them argue with you by saying thank you. It changes the conversation and you can walk your way out of it . And remember when your upset it makes your day worse not the person that is the addict.
It’s so hard to have compassion for him when I see how his actions keep hurting me. I know he struggles, but I’m getting to the point where it’s too painful to be I. The line of fire of his struggles.
Just unclear on the "how" to let go of resentment. I have boundaries and keep them. How do you become compassionate? Any baby steps to this?
For me, I had to come to an understanding of what compassion is. Compassion isn’t pity. It isn’t “poor baby, you can’t help it.” Think of it this way.
If his life is truly falling apart it’s sad, but because of what he’s done, shouldn’t it be? Isn’t personal pain the only thing that can ever produce real change? Compassion for their pain is a beautiful gift that we, all of us, have to learn to use correctly. Instead of letting compassion move us to save them and fix their feelings, we need to let it say “I understand and I believe in your power to effect change in your own circumstances.” Compassion *stands back* with love and support while pity rushes in to rescue.
Pity says “you can’t” while compassion says “you can.”
Something bad may happen if we cut them loose (compassion), but it won’t be our doing or our fault. They have options before them, and it’s up to them which option they choose. They can choose to get help for themselves, which is far far better than us simply covering their pain again for them.
From Getting Them Sober by Drews:
“Now, don't go feeling sorry for him! That's not the medicine he needs. He needs tough love. He needs you not to give him tender, loving care. He needs to feel enough pain from his sick behavior that he will hurt enough to get help to live.”
Michelle,
You are in my head!!! The last week has challenged every fiber of my loving, caring self. Thank you for helping me go into the pain he has to come out being the me I know I am.
“Taking time for your husband on a level that they feel completed and loved may be the key” to their sobriety.
With respect to you, I disagree. If love and attention and concern could make someone stop drinking, there would be no alcoholics or drug addicts in the world. Drinkers concoct many reasons why they drink and their favorite excuse is US: what we are, what we’re not, what we say, what we didn’t say, etc. He was not sharing some deep insight with you. He was shifting all responsibility and blame onto you.
Thanks for sharing Judy. Wow, what some insight from your partner. It’s like he’s telling you he’s bored/lonely without you, but also kinda putting the blame on you for seemingly being “too busy”? Does he have a lot of friends outside of you? Any hobbies? I too would struggle with that response.