Struggling With Compassion?

If you're feeling resentful or angry - here's a way to let it go and get back to feeling good.

I heard you loud and clear - you enjoy when I create a “voicemail” for you lol. So from now on, I will try to offer an audio version of the newsletter so you can listen in the privacy of your own home. I forgot how much I loved recording them so thank you for the loving “push.”

Also, how do you feel about Substack? Any honest feedback would be helpful - I really do value your ideas and I want to make these tools as easy for you as possible. Please email Info@loveoveraddiction.com - I read every email:)

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Do you struggle to find compassion for your loved one who drinks too much or suffers from addiction? Do you find yourself feeling resentful? For years, I would feel so hurt that my ex-husband would choose to drugs and alcohol over me.

I would get irritated at the little things. Most of the time, I felt discontent (even during the short breaks of sobriety), and I felt bitter because my life was being taken over by addiction and had become such a mess.

We used to have to schedule our weekends around his drinking or partying. When I wanted to spend the day running errands to Home Depot or Target, he wanted to go to the sports bar and drink.

But being angry at the one you love most of the time isn’t healthy. So, how do we overcome feelings of resentment?

Here’s 4 practical ways to feel better…

First, let’s start with the word “overcome.”

We can’t overcome anything in the dark world of addiction. We have to walk through our pain. There is no skipping steps or jumping over the work we must do. Feeling all the feelings is uncomfortable but necessary. 

If we choose to stay with the one who is struggling with drinking or addiction, we will need to align our expectations with reality.

I know that is hard to hear.

But once we accept the TRUTH of what our partners CAN and CANNOT give us, we can find what we need from other healthier sources and stop waiting to receive it from people who cannot provide it to us right now.

Having realistic expectations is such a valuable tool for ALL of us to learn whether we are in love with someone who has addiction issues or someone who doesn’t struggle with addiction.

Accepting our partners for who they are today will help us feel less resentful tomorrow.

The second step is to give back any responsibility you may be taking for work that can only be done by the one you love. You can’t control your partner, and you can’t make them get better. Besides, you have your work to do, right? So let’s stay in our lane and focus on our self care.

1. Are you taking care of yourself every day?

2. Are you making healthy choices?

3. Do you make time for the things you love?

Doing difficult things will help you stay focused on the one thing you can control in this situation: YOU.

One of the reasons we feel resentful is because we feel helpless. And that’s a lie addiction wants you to believe. Please don’t fall for it. You’re are incredibly smart, and you’re not powerless.  You are not helpless.

The last step to letting go of resentment is to feel the opposite—compassion. 

A few years ago, a friend called me from the grocery store, and she was furious about something her partner (who struggles with addiction) was doing. I listened to her without interrupting because her pain was real and deserved space and validation. And I also lovingly reminded her that her loved one was fighting for their life.

Our partners know how badly they’re hurting everyone else. They understand on an intense level that they’re challenging to love right now. They most likely don’t love themselves one bit. They probably feel like a screw-up and a failure. And they can’t find the strength right now to get sober.

It must feel awful. I can’t even imagine craving something so severely that it controls your entire body and mind. When the high and numbing is gone, feelings of incredible shame remain. It sounds like such a painful and destructive way to live.

When we tap into the pain our loved one is going through, the resentment is replaced with compassion and provides us with an entirely different perspective.

Here’s the challenging part: If you’re choosing to stay with your loved one, you must be good at these three techniques, my friend. You’ll need to practice a lot. But the good news is they are wonderful life skills that work and will make you a stronger person.

And I want to add a little disclaimer here: forgiveness is a helpful tool if we decide to leave our relationships or not. But compassion does not erase our boundaries or excuse abusive behavior. 

You can still refuse to enable while being compassionate.

 You can do it. If you fail, accept the failure for as long as you need, then dust yourself off and try again. Failure is part of the whole messy process of learning. I fail every single day, and I still have to remember to forgive myself and keep walking through it.

What’s going on with you this week? Any victories or struggles you’d like to share?