Thank you for this Michelle ❤️ This popped up on my Substack notification at exactly the right time! My husband has gone out drinking with his friends tonight and I’m at home with our 4 and 6 year olds. He has been struggling with drink and cocaine addiction for the last 5 years and when he goes out with friends he gets drunk and usually also has cocaine. Over the years I have tried so many things to try and get him to recognise he has a problem and to change, ultimatums, counselling (for him, me and together), marking bottles, hiding booze etc. so I was nodding along to a lot of what you said! He has bought so much booze recently with the excuse of course that it’s Christmas. So there’s a lot of it in the house and he will consume this when he returns from his already boozy night out. I toyed with the idea of hiding it all, as I’ve done many times before. but listening to this has reminded me what a waste of my time and resources this is. Such a hard time of year...some days I wish I had the strength to leave and get my kids away from this situation or at least set some clearer boundaries. but then we go months where he’s doing better and I hope things will change...It’s exhausting. I feel totally powerless much of the time. Your writing gives me comfort and hope ❤️
My husband is an alcoholic in treatment to not drink and I found him watching porn. Does watching porn indicate that more could be going on like cheating or hookers, etc. Is watching porn “normal” male activity?
Again, you always say exactly what I need to hear. My husband is almost a year into recovery from alcohol and drugs but I know for a fact porn is still a problem and it really, really upsets me. At the height of his disease he was getting naked pictures sent to his phone of women, porn sites took up half his search results, and there was even an incident with a stripper. It brought a whole new level of YUCK to our relationship that made me officially crazy. It honestly hurt more than the alcohol abuse. I felt completely dishonored as a wife and sex suddenly felt contaminated even though he hadn't actually slept with anyone... I doubted my worth and it changed how I viewed myself. I've had to lean on my recovery groups to remind me my husbands choices and actions do not define me as a woman or a wife. I am worthy, beautiful, and regardless of whether it's my husband or someone new there is a very real and worthy love for me somewhere in the future. For now, I relearn how to embrace and love myself
Thank you Michelle! It's so hard... I don't know what to do with this relationship anymore but he's been part of most of my life so it feels extra hard to let it go when I've already faced so much loss. I feel like it's a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to learn to focus on me. I'm so tired most days
So I am new to this site and this topic is my reality. My husband is an alcoholic and working with an addiction counselor and I recently caught him watching porn so this is more stress added to the situation. I have so many unanswered questions. Is there a correlation between alcoholism and watching porn? Is there more usually like hookers strippers or cheating? Thanks for any advice 😩
I totally relate to this. I just recently found out about the porn addiction and it is absolutely a new level of "yuck". I am sorry you are going through it. We are worthy, loved, & beautiful regardless 💛
Thank you so much, yes it's super upsetting I've had to work with my sponsor a lot and continue working on "loving detachment" but there's sure some days I don't feel very loving... I'm so sorry you're in the same boat but know you're not alone. You are also worthy, loved, and beautiful!!!
I have dumped the alcohol and I have also stashed it. I guess to have some control over the situation. My bf just got home from rehab. I hope he will continue his sober recovery. Thanks, Michelle!
Definitely have been there and laughed at the fact that I’m not the only one marking the bottles, checking pockets, finding the stashes and throwing them out immediately. Also made me feel less “crazy” because I’m told I’m the crazy one on a daily basis. When all I want is for him to be sober and consistently sober. I feel like I don’t have it in me to not throw things away when I find them- as I literally threw away 4 things I found today as I was immediately triggered. I just want it to end.
Dec 30, 2023·edited Dec 30, 2023Liked by Michelle Anderson
Ugh! The gaslighting is the WORST! You know you’re not imagining it, but they’re so manipulative that they make you think YOU’RE the crazy one! It took a long time for me to realize that, and tapering my “search & seizure” tactics was a very healthy way for me to acknowledge this. It’s exhausting!!
Thank you Michelle, Ladies I also have been going through the same. Christmas night was a little game changer for me. I tried to wake my husband up nicely to see if you would like to go with me to my adult children's house for Christmas he got angry and yelled at me so I left and went to Christmas with my kids and grandkids. When I arrived home he was just getting out of the bed at 7:00 at night and getting dressed to go out when I asked where are you going it became a problem. I have a broken nose five different places of black and blue marks and this is what I got for Christmas only from him. When I left our home and went to my son's and daughter-in-laws I took his phone of course because I'm paying for it I said it off and as I've been rummaging through it I have found dating sites, also naked pictures of women's private area. My fix for all of this so I don't go back because I know I will isn't a couple of days I am heading off to Florida to try to get my mind straight and find out if this is even worth trying to fight for cuz I've been fighting for 5 years and I'm tired. I'm so grateful that there's someone out there that will listen to all of our concerns and problems thank you Michelle from the bottom of my heart
Renee, thank you for being so honest and trusting us with your feelings. A lot of us can deeply relate and have been in similar situations. There’s never any judgement 💕 a great resource that I found helpful is the National Domestic Hotline. It’s free to call. And they have an excellent website. They are considered experts in this area. If finances allow and if it’s safe, professional help could be a benefit too, in addition to the National Domestic Hotline. And you can always call the police (I had to many times).
Whatever you do, you will always have a place here with us. ❤️
Renee, please keep yourself safe! I’m so troubled that you were physically abused on Christmas. You cannot take a chance with your life. Please keep us updated. Even if you have gone to Florida, touch base and let us know if you are safe. Please do not return. A broken nose and bruises all over is beyond what any person can deal with. My hopes and prayers ( and a few tears) are with you. ❤️🙏🏼
Thank you Julie, I am in Florida going on my second week not in a big hurry to go back home I have looked for places to rent here I can't be the only one trying to fix things and his actions right now are still not speaking louder than his words. They just spoke very loudly on Christmas night. Not trying to fix anything, just tells me to come home where I belong 🤔🤨💔
He may come home where you belong... but this is not where you belong or what you are meant for. You have a great purpose and great value. Please check into the resources Michelle mentions in response to your post. Use every resource available. I fear for you if you return. Decide that you are worthy of much more, to be touched with tenderness and nothing less. I will continue to check up and pray that there is a clearly defined path leading far away from abuse. There is nothing he can say to undo Christmas and the hurt you suffered. Please take care of yourself and exhaust every resource available. No judgment from me ever. I just want you to intentionally be safe and know how valuable you actually are! With much love, Julie
Thank you ladies I really do appreciate encouraging words probably one of the hardest decisions I'm going to ever make in my life but I am definitely not a punching bag for anyone 😢💔
Hang in there. We can do hard things! The victory stories I’ve read prove that. We have to really recognize that we deserve so much more and then stop worrying about them. Love your AH from afar. I believe great things will happen for you once you deal with this heartbreaking situation. It’s not easy at all but knowing that helps, strangely. You are so special. You don’t need anyone else to recognize that but yourself. I’m so glad that you have written and kept us updated. You have a support system here and I will be keeping an eye out for you. 😊💜 if you can, stay in Florida where it’s safe. Sweet, talking and white people call”love- bombing” is a common way to bring someone back to you if you are an addict or abuser. These may be words that we have longed to hear. I completely understand how hearing those words, those sweet, kind words come out of your husband‘s mouth. It’s really hard on the mental health of the person that is trying to survive living with a person with an addiction. He may or may not be practiced at this, but my AH is! It has taken me years to take what he says, with a grain of salt, sadly. Your instinct and gut are telling you what you need to know. It’s time to start thinking about yourself and putting yourself first. It’s harder to do than say. I believe in you, and I believe you can do it! Stay safe and as always much love to you.
Michelle, this really helps. Just this morning I found a bottle, husband been on a 7 day binge and don’t know when it will stop and finding that bottle did trigger me and I debated on dumping it out or not and knew he would just buy more but I did it. I dumped it. But next time I will walk away from it. Bout finding bottles all over the house I can so totally relate. Thank you for your words. It will give me strength to just leave it! 😊
I need help with this so badly -you can choose a way to act that serves you, your values, and your whole person. - i don’t know how to balance my values wants and standards in life while loving someone in addiction
I'm 5 years in with a husband newly in recovery and I am STILL learning. It's a brutal journey and takes a lot of time and self care, in my opinion. Know you're not alone
After Thanksgiving I'd finally had enough. I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave him 2 choices. 1 he could go to rehab and stay until he could live without it all (pills, methadone, alcohol and gambling) or 2 he could just leave. He promised he would be gone before Christmas but he was still here until I finally broke and it was all over $2. He wanted $2 and the keys to the car (my car because his has already been repossessed) and I said, NO! He tried everything to get the money and keys but I shoved them in my panties and sat my fat ass (his words not mine) on top of them. He wasn't gonna win again. Not this time. It turned physical but he is gone and we are safe for now. He went to rehab after he got out of jail but I'm getting stronger everyday and won't let him do this to us again. I've never commented before but I want you to know that you've been with me through this journey and thank you for just understanding and not judging.
In the past, it was one of my daily chores to find his stash when I got home and when he was busy in the shower or outside or whatever. I would look through every bottle we had at the house, look through the typical hiding spots, look through the trash inside and outside, drink from his Yeti to see if I could taste a hint of whiskey or vodka leftover, etc. It was really, really bad for me. I’ve gotten a lot better and I’ve been working on it.
I stumbled across his new secret hiding spot about 2 weeks ago where he keeps his bottle(s). I have decided not to confront him about it or tell him that I know. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do or not. Whenever I have confronted him in the past, it did me absolutely no good to tell him because he would tell me “I’m crazy” and I’m making things up, and he’s “sober”, those “are old bottles”, blah blah blah. He would then find a new hiding spot, and continue to drink. Nothing would change. It also benefited no one when I would throw it all away because he would just buy more, like you said. Although, I did feel really good (temporarily) whenever I would toss bottles down the drain!
I’ve been working on focusing on myself more and really trying not to check these bottles in his secret stash. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t control his choices or his actions. I hate that so many of us are going through this. Hang in there everyone..
Wow I could really relate to a lot of this. Tearing the house/garage apart looking for “evidence” but then about a year ago I realized what good is it doing. None. Except for making me feel more anxious and worried. I found this podcast and another that has helped. And I really tried to quit talking about it. But after leaving me in the ER to go to the nearest bar and get drunk I finally told him I’d leave if he didn’t get professional help. He just got home last week after 28-day rehab. Right now he’s doing great and I’m just happy for every sober minute, hour and day. He’s 68 and I told him I wasn’t going to spend my last 20 (?) years watching him kill himself. I pray for everyone with a family member w this disease. Focus on yourself. I’m now attending Al-Anon and making some meaningful connections. May 2024 bring us all the peace of mind we deserve. ❤️
I don’t usually throw the alcohol out because it’s a wasted effort as you said. I did recently because I know my AH won’t go out and buy alcohol when I’m home (weird rule he has set for himself) and I absolutely could not deal with him getting drunk that day after many days in a row of severe drinking. I knew the next time I was not at home he would go buy some more, but I did get some peace that day so I didn’t lose my mind and could take a couple deep breaths.
Oh thank you Julie I'm doing fine, I actually went back to my husband so far so good but still very leery bags packed ready to go if I need to before it gets that bad again. I appreciate you checking on me
I’m glad you are safe. 😊 Keep listening to the LOA podcasts and keep your plan b at the ready ( as I do). Thanks for your reply! I’m relieved that you are okay. You have tons of value & worth. Remember that! 💜
Thank you for this Michelle and all that you do! I found you from a friend whose husband is now three years sober. My husband has unfortunately relapsed after 9 months clean. It has been a long seven years of dealing with this & the bombs keep dropping. After he relapsed, I also found out he has a porn addiction that I was unaware of, and that during his 9 months clean, when we were trying to rebuild our marriage & I opened up to trust him again -the whole time he has never stopped talking to the girl he had an emotional affair with. I am broken to the core. I pray that he can overcome it all, and I am now realizing that the trust is too far gone for me to "stay" per se. A huge problem is finances, I was a homeschooling mom for 18 years and have only worked part time for the last two years. We have no savings, no 401k, no nest egg...we are struggling to make ends meet like never before. I thought about getting a property settlement agreement or a separation agreement (or both) but he seems clearly against it; to the point of threatening suicide. I feel so lost and stuck! I am working with a therapist. I just want a way for my daughter and I to have the peace of mind and stability/safety we need. I'm struggling from PTSD with all of this and don't know what to do, short of working myself into the ground, I want to be able to support my daughter and I independent of him, but still have the time, space & support we need to heal. I'm sorry, I know this is a long comment, but I've lost so many people through this taking his "side" or being manipulated as well and not knowing it yet. I am praying for a miracle to find the right way to safety. Thank you for listening & being here for all of us. 🩷
Kim, wow...we are nearly in the same place. I’ve had medical emergencies and he chose to get drunk and not care for my most basic of needs. I’ve been out of the workforce for 16 years and am a bit older ( my daughter is now grown) I started working as a part time personal assistant and am earning enough money to eat, pay a few bills, and take care of my medical needs. As soon as I retained this job because I had to literally hold out my hand and give him reasons for needing $10, he cut me off financially. He is gone most of the time doing whatever he is doing (?). We too have no nest egg or 401K. It’s scary to be my age and start completely over. I’ll admit to only this group that I am afraid. I stopped snooping for his alcohol and cocaine years ago. Not because it wasted financial resources but because it is exhausting to do so. Over the years, I have thought I could stay and thought I must go. I woke this morning straight out of my sleep crying due to the loneliness of this life with him. I really like all aspects of my life but being unloved and uncared for is soul crushing. My goal is to continue working, keeping my finances separate, just as he has done for 16 years. I do feel good about the human being I am; the person I was pre-Love Over Addiction was so lost. I’m not lost- I have the determination to get out of this. But during the slow process of Trying to save money, become independent of him, the feeling of an empty house, a hateful word ( or several) ... it’s crushing. I admit that I am incredibly emotionally wired. I know this is long but there is no one that cares to listen to this nonsense anymore. Just reaching out to my people, knowing that in fact, I’m not as alone as I feel. One day, I pray that we all are treated with the value that we certainly have. I will not get that in this marriage so I plan & work & plan more. One last thing for Michelle: I’m listening! I hear you! And I thank you! It’s taken me so long to love myself and you have had a great hand in that with your wisdom. Thanks to anyone who read this far. One day I will write that I am free from addiction whether my AH is or not!!!
Julie, I am so sorry for the late reply, I am just getting used to substack but oh my goodness my heart aches for you and I'm so sorry to hear all that you are dealing with...we have very similar situations indeed.😢 It's absolutely ok to be afraid, I'm terrified! I'm scared I will have to work 80+ hours a week if we separate, when what I really need is healing and security. Desperately. I understand your feelings of loneliness for sure; I'm so sorry. Thankful that we have this community of others who understand what we are going through like no one else can. Thankful for Michelle for bringing us all together. And praying for all of us to know our true worth & break free. 🙏🏻
Together we are stronger. We can do this. Thank you for your response! I think of you and all of the incredibly strong women we know because of our situation. For you and others, I am thankful. I have seen women move mountains through Love Over Addiction. I believe we can too! ( Also, I’m still learning the site as well, lol…what is restack anyway? ) with love sister, Jules
are stronger!!! We can do this , you are right, but wow did I have a tough time last night. Questioning my decision to separate, even though it is still in just that, the decision stage. Thankfully we have a home (with a mortgage still of course) but it is a toxic environment. I don't make enough money to move out on my own unless we sell our home; it's just all so scary and unsettling, when my mind and body need calm and peace. I definitely believe we can move those mountains! We might be trembling as we do it, but thankful for your words of support and all at LOA! (Substack is a writing platform & thankfully how we're able to communicate right now through Michelle's substack) Love to all, Kim
We are living such parallel lives! I’m at that decision tipping point and leaning heavily toward what is best for me. Staying must certainly shave years off our lives. 😞But as my screensaver reminds me daily “We must do the things we believe we cannot do”. It’s often a kick in the pants to keep moving forward. Take care & stay in touch! Peace to you today! 💜🙏🏼
Ughhh. Well I found more stashes and caught him buying more. He now hides everything in his car and stays up late alone. I hate the fact that I’m in bed with our 3 month old and he’s downstairs getting further and further away from being sober. He’s doing it during the day when he leave for a couple hours now and at night. He was fired from his job and is just “enjoying his break from work and life”. I’m so tired of finding stashes, garbage, remnants from his night benders. I just want this anxiety to stop. I feel like my heart is in my stomach so often, and it makes me so anxious and sick to my stomach. I need to stop searching for things and just let him destroy his life himself. Easier said than done.
I would love some advice or others experiences, with having a hard conversation around “why” With one’s partner? Why do they lean Daly on alcohol and drugs? In my situation my partner is very high functioning, incredibly, so super charismatic. Takes amazing care of physical body for over 20 years drinking and smoking pot is so prevalent in our lives. Yeah I keep making it work for them And everyone else because of how functioning they are. My young adult child has asked me if I’ve ever asked my spouse The Why question. Do you feel like this needs to happen before other decisions are made here. Appreciate if anyone’s had this conversation with their partner
Addiction is a disease like any other. Why do people get heart disease, or diabetes? Genetics, life choices, etc. it’s possible your qualifiers have no idea WHY they do what they do, as it’s hard to do the deep soul searching required to discover the answer when they are using. He probably doesn’t know why, or thinks he knows but is sadly mistaken, or will give you an answer that is a lie so he can continue using (ie it’s your fault). The why is not for you to worry about, because you didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure his disease. Take care of yourself ❤️
Thank you for this Michelle ❤️ This popped up on my Substack notification at exactly the right time! My husband has gone out drinking with his friends tonight and I’m at home with our 4 and 6 year olds. He has been struggling with drink and cocaine addiction for the last 5 years and when he goes out with friends he gets drunk and usually also has cocaine. Over the years I have tried so many things to try and get him to recognise he has a problem and to change, ultimatums, counselling (for him, me and together), marking bottles, hiding booze etc. so I was nodding along to a lot of what you said! He has bought so much booze recently with the excuse of course that it’s Christmas. So there’s a lot of it in the house and he will consume this when he returns from his already boozy night out. I toyed with the idea of hiding it all, as I’ve done many times before. but listening to this has reminded me what a waste of my time and resources this is. Such a hard time of year...some days I wish I had the strength to leave and get my kids away from this situation or at least set some clearer boundaries. but then we go months where he’s doing better and I hope things will change...It’s exhausting. I feel totally powerless much of the time. Your writing gives me comfort and hope ❤️
We have very similar stories Jules. I remember those nights with my little ones. 💕 we’re here for you.
My husband is an alcoholic in treatment to not drink and I found him watching porn. Does watching porn indicate that more could be going on like cheating or hookers, etc. Is watching porn “normal” male activity?
The feeling of feeling powerless- i feel this 100%💕
Again, you always say exactly what I need to hear. My husband is almost a year into recovery from alcohol and drugs but I know for a fact porn is still a problem and it really, really upsets me. At the height of his disease he was getting naked pictures sent to his phone of women, porn sites took up half his search results, and there was even an incident with a stripper. It brought a whole new level of YUCK to our relationship that made me officially crazy. It honestly hurt more than the alcohol abuse. I felt completely dishonored as a wife and sex suddenly felt contaminated even though he hadn't actually slept with anyone... I doubted my worth and it changed how I viewed myself. I've had to lean on my recovery groups to remind me my husbands choices and actions do not define me as a woman or a wife. I am worthy, beautiful, and regardless of whether it's my husband or someone new there is a very real and worthy love for me somewhere in the future. For now, I relearn how to embrace and love myself
My sweet Sarah. I can relate. Pornography can be so hurtful. Not letting his choices define you... that’s good stuff!!
Thank you Michelle! It's so hard... I don't know what to do with this relationship anymore but he's been part of most of my life so it feels extra hard to let it go when I've already faced so much loss. I feel like it's a rock and a hard place. I'm trying to learn to focus on me. I'm so tired most days
So I am new to this site and this topic is my reality. My husband is an alcoholic and working with an addiction counselor and I recently caught him watching porn so this is more stress added to the situation. I have so many unanswered questions. Is there a correlation between alcoholism and watching porn? Is there more usually like hookers strippers or cheating? Thanks for any advice 😩
I totally relate to this. I just recently found out about the porn addiction and it is absolutely a new level of "yuck". I am sorry you are going through it. We are worthy, loved, & beautiful regardless 💛
Thank you so much, yes it's super upsetting I've had to work with my sponsor a lot and continue working on "loving detachment" but there's sure some days I don't feel very loving... I'm so sorry you're in the same boat but know you're not alone. You are also worthy, loved, and beautiful!!!
I have dumped the alcohol and I have also stashed it. I guess to have some control over the situation. My bf just got home from rehab. I hope he will continue his sober recovery. Thanks, Michelle!
The desperate need to feel in control of something, anything. I get it. we can control our choices. That’s something to focus on. ❤️
Definitely have been there and laughed at the fact that I’m not the only one marking the bottles, checking pockets, finding the stashes and throwing them out immediately. Also made me feel less “crazy” because I’m told I’m the crazy one on a daily basis. When all I want is for him to be sober and consistently sober. I feel like I don’t have it in me to not throw things away when I find them- as I literally threw away 4 things I found today as I was immediately triggered. I just want it to end.
Ugh! The gaslighting is the WORST! You know you’re not imagining it, but they’re so manipulative that they make you think YOU’RE the crazy one! It took a long time for me to realize that, and tapering my “search & seizure” tactics was a very healthy way for me to acknowledge this. It’s exhausting!!
Thank you Michelle, Ladies I also have been going through the same. Christmas night was a little game changer for me. I tried to wake my husband up nicely to see if you would like to go with me to my adult children's house for Christmas he got angry and yelled at me so I left and went to Christmas with my kids and grandkids. When I arrived home he was just getting out of the bed at 7:00 at night and getting dressed to go out when I asked where are you going it became a problem. I have a broken nose five different places of black and blue marks and this is what I got for Christmas only from him. When I left our home and went to my son's and daughter-in-laws I took his phone of course because I'm paying for it I said it off and as I've been rummaging through it I have found dating sites, also naked pictures of women's private area. My fix for all of this so I don't go back because I know I will isn't a couple of days I am heading off to Florida to try to get my mind straight and find out if this is even worth trying to fight for cuz I've been fighting for 5 years and I'm tired. I'm so grateful that there's someone out there that will listen to all of our concerns and problems thank you Michelle from the bottom of my heart
Renee, thank you for being so honest and trusting us with your feelings. A lot of us can deeply relate and have been in similar situations. There’s never any judgement 💕 a great resource that I found helpful is the National Domestic Hotline. It’s free to call. And they have an excellent website. They are considered experts in this area. If finances allow and if it’s safe, professional help could be a benefit too, in addition to the National Domestic Hotline. And you can always call the police (I had to many times).
Whatever you do, you will always have a place here with us. ❤️
Thank you so much
Renee, please keep yourself safe! I’m so troubled that you were physically abused on Christmas. You cannot take a chance with your life. Please keep us updated. Even if you have gone to Florida, touch base and let us know if you are safe. Please do not return. A broken nose and bruises all over is beyond what any person can deal with. My hopes and prayers ( and a few tears) are with you. ❤️🙏🏼
Thank you Julie, I am in Florida going on my second week not in a big hurry to go back home I have looked for places to rent here I can't be the only one trying to fix things and his actions right now are still not speaking louder than his words. They just spoke very loudly on Christmas night. Not trying to fix anything, just tells me to come home where I belong 🤔🤨💔
How are you doing? Just checking in! 😊
He may come home where you belong... but this is not where you belong or what you are meant for. You have a great purpose and great value. Please check into the resources Michelle mentions in response to your post. Use every resource available. I fear for you if you return. Decide that you are worthy of much more, to be touched with tenderness and nothing less. I will continue to check up and pray that there is a clearly defined path leading far away from abuse. There is nothing he can say to undo Christmas and the hurt you suffered. Please take care of yourself and exhaust every resource available. No judgment from me ever. I just want you to intentionally be safe and know how valuable you actually are! With much love, Julie
Thank you ladies I really do appreciate encouraging words probably one of the hardest decisions I'm going to ever make in my life but I am definitely not a punching bag for anyone 😢💔
Hang in there. We can do hard things! The victory stories I’ve read prove that. We have to really recognize that we deserve so much more and then stop worrying about them. Love your AH from afar. I believe great things will happen for you once you deal with this heartbreaking situation. It’s not easy at all but knowing that helps, strangely. You are so special. You don’t need anyone else to recognize that but yourself. I’m so glad that you have written and kept us updated. You have a support system here and I will be keeping an eye out for you. 😊💜 if you can, stay in Florida where it’s safe. Sweet, talking and white people call”love- bombing” is a common way to bring someone back to you if you are an addict or abuser. These may be words that we have longed to hear. I completely understand how hearing those words, those sweet, kind words come out of your husband‘s mouth. It’s really hard on the mental health of the person that is trying to survive living with a person with an addiction. He may or may not be practiced at this, but my AH is! It has taken me years to take what he says, with a grain of salt, sadly. Your instinct and gut are telling you what you need to know. It’s time to start thinking about yourself and putting yourself first. It’s harder to do than say. I believe in you, and I believe you can do it! Stay safe and as always much love to you.
Renee, I am writing this with tears in my eyes after reading your post.
Like Julie, I, too, am so worried about you and your situation.
I am so glad you are getting away from him. That was a smart decision! But pease, DONT GO BACK!!
He is a monster, and the idea of being afraid that you will go back is worrisome, to say the least.
I know that feeling all too well.
But you said it yourself. It was a game-changer!
Please let it be that!
Thank you for the encouraging words also
Michelle, this really helps. Just this morning I found a bottle, husband been on a 7 day binge and don’t know when it will stop and finding that bottle did trigger me and I debated on dumping it out or not and knew he would just buy more but I did it. I dumped it. But next time I will walk away from it. Bout finding bottles all over the house I can so totally relate. Thank you for your words. It will give me strength to just leave it! 😊
Next time - you’ve got this 💪🏻😊
I need help with this so badly -you can choose a way to act that serves you, your values, and your whole person. - i don’t know how to balance my values wants and standards in life while loving someone in addiction
I'm 5 years in with a husband newly in recovery and I am STILL learning. It's a brutal journey and takes a lot of time and self care, in my opinion. Know you're not alone
That’s amazing recovery has begun 💕
After Thanksgiving I'd finally had enough. I just couldn't take it anymore. I gave him 2 choices. 1 he could go to rehab and stay until he could live without it all (pills, methadone, alcohol and gambling) or 2 he could just leave. He promised he would be gone before Christmas but he was still here until I finally broke and it was all over $2. He wanted $2 and the keys to the car (my car because his has already been repossessed) and I said, NO! He tried everything to get the money and keys but I shoved them in my panties and sat my fat ass (his words not mine) on top of them. He wasn't gonna win again. Not this time. It turned physical but he is gone and we are safe for now. He went to rehab after he got out of jail but I'm getting stronger everyday and won't let him do this to us again. I've never commented before but I want you to know that you've been with me through this journey and thank you for just understanding and not judging.
Sometimes I feel like a detective... Anyone else?
In the past, it was one of my daily chores to find his stash when I got home and when he was busy in the shower or outside or whatever. I would look through every bottle we had at the house, look through the typical hiding spots, look through the trash inside and outside, drink from his Yeti to see if I could taste a hint of whiskey or vodka leftover, etc. It was really, really bad for me. I’ve gotten a lot better and I’ve been working on it.
I stumbled across his new secret hiding spot about 2 weeks ago where he keeps his bottle(s). I have decided not to confront him about it or tell him that I know. I’m not sure if that’s the right thing to do or not. Whenever I have confronted him in the past, it did me absolutely no good to tell him because he would tell me “I’m crazy” and I’m making things up, and he’s “sober”, those “are old bottles”, blah blah blah. He would then find a new hiding spot, and continue to drink. Nothing would change. It also benefited no one when I would throw it all away because he would just buy more, like you said. Although, I did feel really good (temporarily) whenever I would toss bottles down the drain!
I’ve been working on focusing on myself more and really trying not to check these bottles in his secret stash. I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t control his choices or his actions. I hate that so many of us are going through this. Hang in there everyone..
Wow I could really relate to a lot of this. Tearing the house/garage apart looking for “evidence” but then about a year ago I realized what good is it doing. None. Except for making me feel more anxious and worried. I found this podcast and another that has helped. And I really tried to quit talking about it. But after leaving me in the ER to go to the nearest bar and get drunk I finally told him I’d leave if he didn’t get professional help. He just got home last week after 28-day rehab. Right now he’s doing great and I’m just happy for every sober minute, hour and day. He’s 68 and I told him I wasn’t going to spend my last 20 (?) years watching him kill himself. I pray for everyone with a family member w this disease. Focus on yourself. I’m now attending Al-Anon and making some meaningful connections. May 2024 bring us all the peace of mind we deserve. ❤️
I don’t usually throw the alcohol out because it’s a wasted effort as you said. I did recently because I know my AH won’t go out and buy alcohol when I’m home (weird rule he has set for himself) and I absolutely could not deal with him getting drunk that day after many days in a row of severe drinking. I knew the next time I was not at home he would go buy some more, but I did get some peace that day so I didn’t lose my mind and could take a couple deep breaths.
Oh thank you Julie I'm doing fine, I actually went back to my husband so far so good but still very leery bags packed ready to go if I need to before it gets that bad again. I appreciate you checking on me
I’m glad you are safe. 😊 Keep listening to the LOA podcasts and keep your plan b at the ready ( as I do). Thanks for your reply! I’m relieved that you are okay. You have tons of value & worth. Remember that! 💜
Thank you for this Michelle and all that you do! I found you from a friend whose husband is now three years sober. My husband has unfortunately relapsed after 9 months clean. It has been a long seven years of dealing with this & the bombs keep dropping. After he relapsed, I also found out he has a porn addiction that I was unaware of, and that during his 9 months clean, when we were trying to rebuild our marriage & I opened up to trust him again -the whole time he has never stopped talking to the girl he had an emotional affair with. I am broken to the core. I pray that he can overcome it all, and I am now realizing that the trust is too far gone for me to "stay" per se. A huge problem is finances, I was a homeschooling mom for 18 years and have only worked part time for the last two years. We have no savings, no 401k, no nest egg...we are struggling to make ends meet like never before. I thought about getting a property settlement agreement or a separation agreement (or both) but he seems clearly against it; to the point of threatening suicide. I feel so lost and stuck! I am working with a therapist. I just want a way for my daughter and I to have the peace of mind and stability/safety we need. I'm struggling from PTSD with all of this and don't know what to do, short of working myself into the ground, I want to be able to support my daughter and I independent of him, but still have the time, space & support we need to heal. I'm sorry, I know this is a long comment, but I've lost so many people through this taking his "side" or being manipulated as well and not knowing it yet. I am praying for a miracle to find the right way to safety. Thank you for listening & being here for all of us. 🩷
Kim, wow...we are nearly in the same place. I’ve had medical emergencies and he chose to get drunk and not care for my most basic of needs. I’ve been out of the workforce for 16 years and am a bit older ( my daughter is now grown) I started working as a part time personal assistant and am earning enough money to eat, pay a few bills, and take care of my medical needs. As soon as I retained this job because I had to literally hold out my hand and give him reasons for needing $10, he cut me off financially. He is gone most of the time doing whatever he is doing (?). We too have no nest egg or 401K. It’s scary to be my age and start completely over. I’ll admit to only this group that I am afraid. I stopped snooping for his alcohol and cocaine years ago. Not because it wasted financial resources but because it is exhausting to do so. Over the years, I have thought I could stay and thought I must go. I woke this morning straight out of my sleep crying due to the loneliness of this life with him. I really like all aspects of my life but being unloved and uncared for is soul crushing. My goal is to continue working, keeping my finances separate, just as he has done for 16 years. I do feel good about the human being I am; the person I was pre-Love Over Addiction was so lost. I’m not lost- I have the determination to get out of this. But during the slow process of Trying to save money, become independent of him, the feeling of an empty house, a hateful word ( or several) ... it’s crushing. I admit that I am incredibly emotionally wired. I know this is long but there is no one that cares to listen to this nonsense anymore. Just reaching out to my people, knowing that in fact, I’m not as alone as I feel. One day, I pray that we all are treated with the value that we certainly have. I will not get that in this marriage so I plan & work & plan more. One last thing for Michelle: I’m listening! I hear you! And I thank you! It’s taken me so long to love myself and you have had a great hand in that with your wisdom. Thanks to anyone who read this far. One day I will write that I am free from addiction whether my AH is or not!!!
Julie, I am so sorry for the late reply, I am just getting used to substack but oh my goodness my heart aches for you and I'm so sorry to hear all that you are dealing with...we have very similar situations indeed.😢 It's absolutely ok to be afraid, I'm terrified! I'm scared I will have to work 80+ hours a week if we separate, when what I really need is healing and security. Desperately. I understand your feelings of loneliness for sure; I'm so sorry. Thankful that we have this community of others who understand what we are going through like no one else can. Thankful for Michelle for bringing us all together. And praying for all of us to know our true worth & break free. 🙏🏻
Together we are stronger. We can do this. Thank you for your response! I think of you and all of the incredibly strong women we know because of our situation. For you and others, I am thankful. I have seen women move mountains through Love Over Addiction. I believe we can too! ( Also, I’m still learning the site as well, lol…what is restack anyway? ) with love sister, Jules
Yes, together we
are stronger!!! We can do this , you are right, but wow did I have a tough time last night. Questioning my decision to separate, even though it is still in just that, the decision stage. Thankfully we have a home (with a mortgage still of course) but it is a toxic environment. I don't make enough money to move out on my own unless we sell our home; it's just all so scary and unsettling, when my mind and body need calm and peace. I definitely believe we can move those mountains! We might be trembling as we do it, but thankful for your words of support and all at LOA! (Substack is a writing platform & thankfully how we're able to communicate right now through Michelle's substack) Love to all, Kim
We are living such parallel lives! I’m at that decision tipping point and leaning heavily toward what is best for me. Staying must certainly shave years off our lives. 😞But as my screensaver reminds me daily “We must do the things we believe we cannot do”. It’s often a kick in the pants to keep moving forward. Take care & stay in touch! Peace to you today! 💜🙏🏼
Ughhh. Well I found more stashes and caught him buying more. He now hides everything in his car and stays up late alone. I hate the fact that I’m in bed with our 3 month old and he’s downstairs getting further and further away from being sober. He’s doing it during the day when he leave for a couple hours now and at night. He was fired from his job and is just “enjoying his break from work and life”. I’m so tired of finding stashes, garbage, remnants from his night benders. I just want this anxiety to stop. I feel like my heart is in my stomach so often, and it makes me so anxious and sick to my stomach. I need to stop searching for things and just let him destroy his life himself. Easier said than done.
I would love some advice or others experiences, with having a hard conversation around “why” With one’s partner? Why do they lean Daly on alcohol and drugs? In my situation my partner is very high functioning, incredibly, so super charismatic. Takes amazing care of physical body for over 20 years drinking and smoking pot is so prevalent in our lives. Yeah I keep making it work for them And everyone else because of how functioning they are. My young adult child has asked me if I’ve ever asked my spouse The Why question. Do you feel like this needs to happen before other decisions are made here. Appreciate if anyone’s had this conversation with their partner
Addiction is a disease like any other. Why do people get heart disease, or diabetes? Genetics, life choices, etc. it’s possible your qualifiers have no idea WHY they do what they do, as it’s hard to do the deep soul searching required to discover the answer when they are using. He probably doesn’t know why, or thinks he knows but is sadly mistaken, or will give you an answer that is a lie so he can continue using (ie it’s your fault). The why is not for you to worry about, because you didn’t cause, can’t control, and can’t cure his disease. Take care of yourself ❤️