Should we throw away their drugs, alcohol, or get rid of their porn?

When you find their stashes in the house, what exactly should you do? Find out today.

Today we're going to be talking about a question I get often. 

Should you throw away your partner's drugs, alcohol, or pornography when you find it? 

A lot of us have come across their secret stashes in our homes. Oftentimes their closets, offices, or your garage. 

Now, pornography, when we say throw out pornography, I'm thinking of the old school, remember Playboy or Penthouse or whatever, I don't even know if anyone reads those things anymore. Pornography is so available everywhere... so maybe you go onto their computer and delete their accounts. Should we do that with their pornography? Should we be browsing through their computer histories to look that up? 

So when we love someone suffering from addiction, it can be really hard to know if we should throw away their alcohol or substance of choice or whether we should just let it be.

And if we're honest, that's a really hard decision to make. We've heard from many women in our community that just seeing a bottle or a beer can or bong or a joint or whatever, pornography site, it can be incredibly triggering, and our knee-jerk reaction is to dump it down the drain or take the drugs and flush 'em down the toilet, and that's normal. 

I did that for a really long time. But when we have drugs or alcohol or pornography that's being used in our home under our roof, it can make us feel really unsafe. We feel unsafe in our own environment. And then we start to ask ourselves, well, is there a place where we can feel safe?

And then when we do find the bottles of liquor, I don't know about you, but I used to mark the bottles back when my ex-husband was still trying to convince me he didn't have a problem. 

One of my genius ways of trying to get him to admit that he did was I would secretly mark the bottle of vodka that he had hidden and then try to catch him when the bottle went down to prove that it was unhealthy and not normal to drink that much, right? 

It was just one of my ways that I was trying to help him get sober by trying to convince him he had a problem and that never worked, right? Going through their drawers and looking for their stash of pills or the pockets of their jackets for the cocaine or the drugs, I mean, we've all done it or most of us have, or maybe we've done it.

We haven't done it intentionally. We've just come across their stash by mistake. I had a girlfriend who found her husband was storing liquor in the toilet in that little top part of the toilet. 

So whatever it is, it's nothing to be ashamed of even stumbling across inappropriate videos or pornography on their phones or their computers. 

None of it is anything that anyone should feel ashamed of. Addiction is a disease, right? And so this is about lovingly reminding you that there is no judgments here. 

So if you can answer yes to any of these questions, that's okay. That's totally okay. There's nothing to be ashamed of. 

You are doing the very, very best that you can in a really tough situation. And you're here looking, you're listening to this, trying to find answers and help. And that alone makes you incredibly courageous. You're not burying your head in the sand or hiding under something.

You're out there. You're out trying to look for help. So let's get practical. 

Let's talk about if you should throw away their alcohol or other substances. Now let's talk about just alcohol and pornography. You don't need to throw those away. And I know that answer might be kind of shocking to hear, but here's the truth. 

You're in love with someone or you're partnering with someone who has a substance disorder and they're just going to buy more, which is wasting your valuable resources on their bad habits if you throw it out. So even though it is really hard, it does no good to dump the alcohol when you stumble upon their stash, just leave it, walk away, roll your eyes and walk away. 

And the same goes for pornographic materials. If you find them hidden away or you come across videos on their phone or your computer, chances are high that you have paid for those meaning there's a subscription model there, right? They're paying for that content. Don't delete them. Don't, don't throw that stuff away because it's just going to cost you more money to replace. 

Now, there is a disclaimer there. If there are pornographic materials or alcohol and you are living with children who can access that, then you need to delete that. 

Put some parental controls on that specific computer or device and put that alcohol out of reach with underage children, you don't need to throw it away. You can even be super mature about it and reasonable and say, 'Hey, I came across your stash. I was afraid our son or daughter would find it. I've relocated it to here.' 

Watch their mouth drop as you say that. I'm not saying this is easy, I'm just saying that in the end, they're going to buy more and it's just going to cost you money. 

Alright, we touched on this a little bit, marking the bottles. You might be trying to prove that your partner is drinking too much by monitoring how much they drink, or you might be trying to catch them in a lie after they said they haven't been drinking.

Here's the deal. They have a problem because you're listening to this, and chances are, even if your loved one is not admitting it, they know they have a problem. There is no need to waste your energy trying to prove anything. One drink for someone suffering from substance use disorder is too many. You know it. I know it. And chances are they know it. So let's not waste any more energy trying to convince them that they have an issue by marking their bottles. 

Now, let's talk about drugs. Certain drugs are legal in certain states, but certain drugs are not legal anywhere. As of right now on this recording, I know there's a lot of talk about trying to legalize drugs, but we are not going to get into that. But you get caught with them in your house. Illegal drugs, you can be held responsible. 

Several years ago, I sat on a panel in New York City, and next to me was a lawyer. And I confirmed with the lawyer she was mentioning to the crowd and talking about this very thing. And I pulled her aside afterward and said, what are the legal ramifications if drugs are found in a household, illegal substances, especially with children? And she was explaining to me the liabilities that we have as parents. If illegal drugs are found in our possession or on our premises, it's serious. So it's really important to dispose of the drugs if you find them. 

Now, there was a gentleman at a conference that I met who was head of a police division, and he was in charge of taking down a very large cartel. He suggested the way to get rid and dispose of those drugs is to grind them up and mix them in with cat litter. Please do not throw them down the toilet. That contaminates our water system, and it's not good for our environment. So the best way to do it, this was his suggestion, is to take whatever illegal substances you have, mix them up with kitty litter, and then throw them in the trash. 

Now we know because we're honest with each other that they will most likely buy more, they will. But in this situation, you have to protect yourself. This is about protecting yourself from getting in trouble with the law, and it's also about protecting your children. 

You are your child's biggest advocate. So what do we know now? We know that there's no need to throw away their alcohol or pornography. 

Just make sure that it's out of reach of children. And if their substance of choice is legal or within legal limits, there's no need to throw that out. You can just put that again at a safe distance away from children.

But if their substance of choice is illegal and it's in your home or it's in your car, you need to dispose of it safely and properly to protect yourself and your children. 

Here's the deal. You are an incredibly loving partner, and I know that you are doing everything you can to help them get sober and to live a normal life. And I want to lovingly remind you that you are not crazy. You are the only sane and sober person in this relationship, and most likely in this family. So you can't save your loved one. You cannot force them to get sober. You cannot make them choose long-term sobriety, but you can handle this disease I believe in you, and you can choose a way to act that serves you, your values, and your whole person. So what have you done if you have come across their hidden stash and have you been tempted to pour the alcohol down the drain?

If you need encouragement, if you need support, or if you feel in a great place and you want to encourage other women, I would love for you to join me in the comments.