"Should I leave my partner?" What a big question. And let's be honest, it's a question that many women in this community have. Let’s first start off by saying thinking about leaving is nothing to be ashamed of. We’re doing the right thing by looking for answers, even though it’s hard.
Making the decision to leave was one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I knew it would be necessary at some point. I could see it coming due to the aggression and violence, the lies were spinning out of control. So I started secretly saving money, and I made sure my daughter and I had a safe space in an emergency. We even had go bags ready. But, I actually sat there one day while my daughter was at a friends and he was just verbally destroying me telling me how pathetic I was. I stayed calm for though it all. And when he finally left I got dressed, and I just at asked myself what am I waiting for? How bad does this have to get? I knew then it would be best to leave now, on my terms, when I had time to get things together. I deserved to stay in our house with our daughter…but that would have been so much harder to keep him away. So I called my daughter and she told me what she wanted and we quietly left together. It still breaks my heart to think about. He turned so much uglier from that point on. It has never gotten better. But I am so grateful that I got away…
I am so sorry. You did the right thing for you and your daughter, though. Thank you for sharing this with this community. I just recently divorced and have 100% custody of our child, and I feel much better now despite the financial hardship of being a single mom.
I totally understand. I was lucky my partner never got violent but it still hurts as bad. This is what he couldn’t understand. He used to say the worse thing I do is fall asleep!
You did the best thing for you and especially for your daughter. You both deserve so much better! Stay strong even on those low days. I hope you find peace and calm in your new life. Blessings always. 🥰
I decided to leave after much torment in my head but I was going downhill myself and really struggling with his addiction. I spent all my time researching ways to help him and get him better while he snuck out to the shed and had another drink and another and another. I was so sad and knew I was going downhill myself I realised that every time I took our dog for a walk I would just cry the whole time. So I began to think I need to leave which I did and went back but still nothing changed so I left for good. My sister and a good friend helped as offered me temporary homes. The pain I felt was the worst ever and he got worse with his drinking and I thought it was my fault for leaving. I spoke to him a lot but realised he was manipulating me quite a lot although he kept apologising. But then that year he died.! I left in January 2020 and by December he died- he drank that much he had multiple organ failure. I think it’s taken until now to really realise it wasn’t my fault. I can’t get over that I may have added to his death but I will eventually. So I’ve spent time getting myself better from the trauma and yes guys it’s a horrendous trauma! I was soon diagnosed with CLL (chronic leukaemia) and thought now I must live my life to the full and I mustn’t stay stuck in these thoughts forever! So I’ve visited Australia, been on lots of trips and holidays, seen bands and danced! I am learning to do art, have my own cute apartment and see a new man. I am happy living on my own though and I work hard. Life is good. Yes I think about him a lot and still grieve and have my moments but I let the thought come, maybe cry and then let it go. He chose not to get better and I chose to leave! My sister told me the pain would pass eventually and it will. It’s just sad I lost him forever. But if I had the choice again would I leave? Yes I would . Is that selfish? I don’t think so as I was drowning too
I know how you are feeling! I, too, left my husband and left again. He, too, got worse and worse. I felt the same torment of guilt for "causing" him to get worse.
But my husband also went into multi-organ failure. I knew it was coming. I've always known. Doctors were able to restore kidney function (which restored function to other organs), but he is in late-stage liver failure. HE FINALLY STOPPED DRINKING, just short of vodka-ing himself to death, as your husband did. I am so very sorry.
Finally, he is a loving partner again. We are spending time that is happier than it's been for 7-8 years. There is joy! But he is slowly deteriorating, and we will have to find a liver if he is going to survive. The consolation prize of his sobriety at the last hour is a few happy months and a limited chance of a transplant. Hardly the life I had imagined for us. The irony is too painful to think about.
Julie, I think our stories pair well as a cautionary tale for other women that THE ADDICT MIGHT NEVER STOP, at any cost. It's not about you. Your staying or going is your choice--responding to it is their responsibility. Maybe a question to add to the list is whether you want to watch him kill himself; if he doesn't seek help, that's what will happen. And there's nothing you can do about it until he is ready. We all have to decide what WE want: No one wins if you stay miserable and he stays drunk. If you see no end in sight and are able to go, don't let guilt be your reason to stay.
Much love to all at whatever stage of this terrible journey. Here's hoping there will soon be REAL HELP for addicts.
I completely understand and can relate to you. I too was in a relationship like yours. I made a plan, rented a condo and left one day in November 2019. I had to do it for me and my daughters (not his children). I felt guilty for leaving knowing he didn’t have a license (multiple DUIs) and wouldn’t be able to afford living where we were. I started talking to him again and seeing him. I told myself we weren’t “together” but I was kidding myself. I passed away in August of 2020. It has taken me a long time to understand that me leaving did not cause him to die….that was on him. Thank you for sharing your story.
This was the question I myself wanted an answer to. At the beginning of my recovery, I was looking for the yes or no answer. I didn't find it. At first it was so frustrating because that's all I wanted, I wanted someone to tell me, yes leave, no stay but not one person would tell me and I didn't find that definitive answer until, I healed MYSELF! Michelle, you hit this one right out of the park and It took time for me to learn that but I did. Once I myself healed, The changes I needed to see in my husband, naturally happened. And I'm not necessarily talking sobriety. I, myself woke up to the Love I had in my heart and soul for HIM, the MAN, not the Alcoholic. I can now be comfortable and confident in my decision to stay. I LOVE HIM, period! He may never get sober, that is no longer my focus. It also doesn't take away my feelings of sadness, loneliness and other feelings but I now have the ability to do what I NEED for myself so that I don't stay stuck in all those feelings. It's not easy, but for me, I choose to stay and Love the man!
Stefanie, thank you for your bravery and for posting! I love that you were able to find the place where you can live happily. This is where I want to be as well. I love that you are proof of the possibility! Thank you again for sharing!
I have been tossing this question around for a year and a half almost. I have made a decision to leave but have no clue where to start. I start making a plan and then I get totally overwhelmed and then distract myself from thinking about it. I am working on giving myself more grace and mercy. Thanks for continuing to share with us Michelle!
It is too hard to try to figure out every piece of the puzzle at once! In order to leave, what do you absolutely NEED? A place to stay and enough money to survive while you figure out the rest. I know that's oversimplified. But if you are an over-thinker (like me), you will be paralyzed by unanswerable questions. Go to clergy, seek a women's advocacy group, or check in with social services if resources are a problem. If/ when you want/are ready to leave, there are people who can help.
I am currently asking myself this question. I am not sure if I am able to maintain my sanity while continuing to live in this chaotic environment that I did create, nor choose. Today started as a good day, which is when I see the “potential”, but now the good day has swiftly brought me back to reality since my husband went to the “ store” 2 hours ago. I am now wondering why I continue to put myself through this vicious cycle. I know if is a sickness but what is the cost I am willing to pay?
Thanks again for sharing this! It has been 5 months since we divorced and almost 4 months since he moved out. I asked myself all those questions over the years and it still took HIM initiating the divorce. For me, I prayed for years for a way out that wouldn't turn our child's life upside down...God gave me my out last April. My ex accused me of overdrafting our account (I didn't), cussed me out in front of our child, told me he hated me and wanted a divorce. That was my answered prayer! Something so silly and trite, but it was my way out. FF a few months, he hired a lawyer and sued me for divorce. Biggest blessing ever.
Good for you!! What a great example for other women to see that staying AND inner peace may be an option for some. So glad you worked through the process and found what is most important to you!
I'm in the stage of should I stay or go? I wanna go but at the same time he keeps telling me, I'm a die if you leave me, in which I feel he playing games when he says these things. My husband is an alcoholic and I been codependent with him for years, but a part of me wants to leave cause it's not getting any better, it's getting worse and I'm ready to leave this time
I’m struggling so much atm but also feel like I’m so close to finding peace. I have left my partner twice over the last 6 years. We have 2 young children. He is still using despite many promises over the last year. I feel like I’ve lost a bit more of myself every time we do this. I know the way forward is to focus on me and my own recovery, and I’m sure that would lead to good things with him too, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I have anything left to give. I still love him, but I’m exhausted and just want to run. I don’t think I can work on myself amidst the chaos. I’ve told him it’s over, and really do think this is for the best. We need to be ok for our babies and unfortunately, us together with an addiction in the mix just doesn’t allow that. I honestly don’t think he will ever get better whilst he’s with me.
Please, if your sobriety is threatened in that environment, get outta there. The cost for your children if started using again would be immeasurable and lasting. And you have done the EXTREMELY hard work of cessation--please don't throw it away! You are doing great, thinking clearly, and considering options. You and your kids deserve a better life.
Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to "hear". I have been struggling with these thoughts for a little while now. I know there's nothing I can do to change him and that it's not my business to do that, but staying has been a struggle, mainly because I haven't completed my own "recovery". Thank you for your kindness, and the reminder, and the words of comfort and support. I desperately needed to hear all of it from someone. Best
Does anyone have any advice on how to actually navigate ending the relationship? I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve said that it’s over more than once. In more than one way. He keeps questioning me, blaming me, getting inside my head, making me doubt myself etc. He’s sickly nice one minute and awful the next. Begging for another chance and then being awful about being single.
It’s my house but he won’t leave. I don’t want there to be a scene or for it to get nasty. But I also don’t want to just be in limbo pretending that this situation is normal or ok. I think he’s in denial.
I know how you feel! For months I told my husband it should be HIM leaving the house, not me. I saw a lawyer (like Liz D) who told me that even if it feels like I am "giving up" my house and other co-owned possessions, I would get my fair share BACK in divorce proceedings. Maybe even the rent I was going to have to pay for an apt.
Find a family lawyer who will do Ann initial consultation at no charge; or pay the gigantic amount to find out what you need to do to protect yourself (even if you have to put it on a credit card)! It is a drop in the bucket compared to what's coming if/when you file for divorce. You need to know the laws in your state!
Hootz, I can so relate to your situation. I too am with someone who berates me and then says “I love you “ the goes back calling me every name he can think of. And it’s my house and I want him out.
It’s getting worse and worse and I don’t see him ever sobering up. I did speak with a lawyer. It cost me some money to do a consultation, but it did lay out a plan that I can do to get out of this situation. It gave me some insight and let me feel that there is a way out, but not going to be easy. It may involve an order of protection if he refuses to leave. I don’t have all the details because one obstacle is getting the money for the retainer, I could put it on a credit card but I know once I do everything will be moving forward and that is scary. I’m going to contact the lawyer to see what type of time line there is from once the retainer, how soon he gets served and how I get him out of my house. I hope this helps you a bit. I’m sorry I don’t have all the answers yet. My best to you. ❤️
My best to you too Liz. Such a hard situation. We still have not resolved it. He keeps trying to talk me round into giving him another chance - like it should be easy for me because I love him. But the truth is the thought of that fills me with dread because it’s always been so hard and tumultuous with a huge let down when he doesn’t stick to it. He makes me feel as though me loving him means I should do whatever it takes, even if that is at the expense of my sanity and wellbeing.
If I had anywhere to go that would allow my daughter to keep going to her school, I would go. I don’t have any family that I talk to. My friends who live in town definitely don’t have room for two people and 2 dogs. I don’t have the money to stay in a hotel. I want him to go. I’m the breadwinner. His pay would not even get him a rented room around my area. The rent are insane, like $1000 a month for a room. For me to get an apartment around here that takes dogs is at least $2000 a month which is more than I can afford and much more than my mortgage.
Making the decision to leave was one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I knew it would be necessary at some point. I could see it coming due to the aggression and violence, the lies were spinning out of control. So I started secretly saving money, and I made sure my daughter and I had a safe space in an emergency. We even had go bags ready. But, I actually sat there one day while my daughter was at a friends and he was just verbally destroying me telling me how pathetic I was. I stayed calm for though it all. And when he finally left I got dressed, and I just at asked myself what am I waiting for? How bad does this have to get? I knew then it would be best to leave now, on my terms, when I had time to get things together. I deserved to stay in our house with our daughter…but that would have been so much harder to keep him away. So I called my daughter and she told me what she wanted and we quietly left together. It still breaks my heart to think about. He turned so much uglier from that point on. It has never gotten better. But I am so grateful that I got away…
I am so sorry. You did the right thing for you and your daughter, though. Thank you for sharing this with this community. I just recently divorced and have 100% custody of our child, and I feel much better now despite the financial hardship of being a single mom.
I am sorry for you as well. You cannot put a price on safety and peace.
I totally understand. I was lucky my partner never got violent but it still hurts as bad. This is what he couldn’t understand. He used to say the worse thing I do is fall asleep!
I’m so sorry
Thank you x
You did the best thing for you and especially for your daughter. You both deserve so much better! Stay strong even on those low days. I hope you find peace and calm in your new life. Blessings always. 🥰
I decided to leave after much torment in my head but I was going downhill myself and really struggling with his addiction. I spent all my time researching ways to help him and get him better while he snuck out to the shed and had another drink and another and another. I was so sad and knew I was going downhill myself I realised that every time I took our dog for a walk I would just cry the whole time. So I began to think I need to leave which I did and went back but still nothing changed so I left for good. My sister and a good friend helped as offered me temporary homes. The pain I felt was the worst ever and he got worse with his drinking and I thought it was my fault for leaving. I spoke to him a lot but realised he was manipulating me quite a lot although he kept apologising. But then that year he died.! I left in January 2020 and by December he died- he drank that much he had multiple organ failure. I think it’s taken until now to really realise it wasn’t my fault. I can’t get over that I may have added to his death but I will eventually. So I’ve spent time getting myself better from the trauma and yes guys it’s a horrendous trauma! I was soon diagnosed with CLL (chronic leukaemia) and thought now I must live my life to the full and I mustn’t stay stuck in these thoughts forever! So I’ve visited Australia, been on lots of trips and holidays, seen bands and danced! I am learning to do art, have my own cute apartment and see a new man. I am happy living on my own though and I work hard. Life is good. Yes I think about him a lot and still grieve and have my moments but I let the thought come, maybe cry and then let it go. He chose not to get better and I chose to leave! My sister told me the pain would pass eventually and it will. It’s just sad I lost him forever. But if I had the choice again would I leave? Yes I would . Is that selfish? I don’t think so as I was drowning too
I know how you are feeling! I, too, left my husband and left again. He, too, got worse and worse. I felt the same torment of guilt for "causing" him to get worse.
But my husband also went into multi-organ failure. I knew it was coming. I've always known. Doctors were able to restore kidney function (which restored function to other organs), but he is in late-stage liver failure. HE FINALLY STOPPED DRINKING, just short of vodka-ing himself to death, as your husband did. I am so very sorry.
Finally, he is a loving partner again. We are spending time that is happier than it's been for 7-8 years. There is joy! But he is slowly deteriorating, and we will have to find a liver if he is going to survive. The consolation prize of his sobriety at the last hour is a few happy months and a limited chance of a transplant. Hardly the life I had imagined for us. The irony is too painful to think about.
Julie, I think our stories pair well as a cautionary tale for other women that THE ADDICT MIGHT NEVER STOP, at any cost. It's not about you. Your staying or going is your choice--responding to it is their responsibility. Maybe a question to add to the list is whether you want to watch him kill himself; if he doesn't seek help, that's what will happen. And there's nothing you can do about it until he is ready. We all have to decide what WE want: No one wins if you stay miserable and he stays drunk. If you see no end in sight and are able to go, don't let guilt be your reason to stay.
Much love to all at whatever stage of this terrible journey. Here's hoping there will soon be REAL HELP for addicts.
It’s sad he is deteriorating even though he stopped drinking.
I wish you both well
I completely understand and can relate to you. I too was in a relationship like yours. I made a plan, rented a condo and left one day in November 2019. I had to do it for me and my daughters (not his children). I felt guilty for leaving knowing he didn’t have a license (multiple DUIs) and wouldn’t be able to afford living where we were. I started talking to him again and seeing him. I told myself we weren’t “together” but I was kidding myself. I passed away in August of 2020. It has taken me a long time to understand that me leaving did not cause him to die….that was on him. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh I feel for you too. It’s awful isn’t it but we were not to blame. Thank you for sharing too
Julie, I admire your strength! You give me hope that I will find the strength soon. Your story is so sad and I'm sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you're doing better in your new life. I hope you are blessed with a peaceful and joy filled life from now on. 🥰
Thank you. It took me a long time to deal with the guilt but am now at peace with myself and him. My life is blessed and I’m doing ok
This was the question I myself wanted an answer to. At the beginning of my recovery, I was looking for the yes or no answer. I didn't find it. At first it was so frustrating because that's all I wanted, I wanted someone to tell me, yes leave, no stay but not one person would tell me and I didn't find that definitive answer until, I healed MYSELF! Michelle, you hit this one right out of the park and It took time for me to learn that but I did. Once I myself healed, The changes I needed to see in my husband, naturally happened. And I'm not necessarily talking sobriety. I, myself woke up to the Love I had in my heart and soul for HIM, the MAN, not the Alcoholic. I can now be comfortable and confident in my decision to stay. I LOVE HIM, period! He may never get sober, that is no longer my focus. It also doesn't take away my feelings of sadness, loneliness and other feelings but I now have the ability to do what I NEED for myself so that I don't stay stuck in all those feelings. It's not easy, but for me, I choose to stay and Love the man!
Stefanie, thank you for your bravery and for posting! I love that you were able to find the place where you can live happily. This is where I want to be as well. I love that you are proof of the possibility! Thank you again for sharing!
I have been tossing this question around for a year and a half almost. I have made a decision to leave but have no clue where to start. I start making a plan and then I get totally overwhelmed and then distract myself from thinking about it. I am working on giving myself more grace and mercy. Thanks for continuing to share with us Michelle!
It is too hard to try to figure out every piece of the puzzle at once! In order to leave, what do you absolutely NEED? A place to stay and enough money to survive while you figure out the rest. I know that's oversimplified. But if you are an over-thinker (like me), you will be paralyzed by unanswerable questions. Go to clergy, seek a women's advocacy group, or check in with social services if resources are a problem. If/ when you want/are ready to leave, there are people who can help.
It has been about ten years since I first discovered your work, and I am still so grateful for your wisdom.
I am currently asking myself this question. I am not sure if I am able to maintain my sanity while continuing to live in this chaotic environment that I did create, nor choose. Today started as a good day, which is when I see the “potential”, but now the good day has swiftly brought me back to reality since my husband went to the “ store” 2 hours ago. I am now wondering why I continue to put myself through this vicious cycle. I know if is a sickness but what is the cost I am willing to pay?
Thanks again for sharing this! It has been 5 months since we divorced and almost 4 months since he moved out. I asked myself all those questions over the years and it still took HIM initiating the divorce. For me, I prayed for years for a way out that wouldn't turn our child's life upside down...God gave me my out last April. My ex accused me of overdrafting our account (I didn't), cussed me out in front of our child, told me he hated me and wanted a divorce. That was my answered prayer! Something so silly and trite, but it was my way out. FF a few months, he hired a lawyer and sued me for divorce. Biggest blessing ever.
Good for you!! What a great example for other women to see that staying AND inner peace may be an option for some. So glad you worked through the process and found what is most important to you!
Living with an alcoholic or being surrounded by them is extra heavy and tiring. Practicing the principle of detachment is helpful ❤️
I'm in the stage of should I stay or go? I wanna go but at the same time he keeps telling me, I'm a die if you leave me, in which I feel he playing games when he says these things. My husband is an alcoholic and I been codependent with him for years, but a part of me wants to leave cause it's not getting any better, it's getting worse and I'm ready to leave this time
I’m struggling so much atm but also feel like I’m so close to finding peace. I have left my partner twice over the last 6 years. We have 2 young children. He is still using despite many promises over the last year. I feel like I’ve lost a bit more of myself every time we do this. I know the way forward is to focus on me and my own recovery, and I’m sure that would lead to good things with him too, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I have anything left to give. I still love him, but I’m exhausted and just want to run. I don’t think I can work on myself amidst the chaos. I’ve told him it’s over, and really do think this is for the best. We need to be ok for our babies and unfortunately, us together with an addiction in the mix just doesn’t allow that. I honestly don’t think he will ever get better whilst he’s with me.
Please, if your sobriety is threatened in that environment, get outta there. The cost for your children if started using again would be immeasurable and lasting. And you have done the EXTREMELY hard work of cessation--please don't throw it away! You are doing great, thinking clearly, and considering options. You and your kids deserve a better life.
Thanks Tara - I’m not a recovering addict. I meant my own recovery as in emotional healing, codependency etc x
Ohhhhhhh!!! I see. Well that's a long hard road too!! I wish you the best.
Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to "hear". I have been struggling with these thoughts for a little while now. I know there's nothing I can do to change him and that it's not my business to do that, but staying has been a struggle, mainly because I haven't completed my own "recovery". Thank you for your kindness, and the reminder, and the words of comfort and support. I desperately needed to hear all of it from someone. Best
Does anyone have any advice on how to actually navigate ending the relationship? I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve said that it’s over more than once. In more than one way. He keeps questioning me, blaming me, getting inside my head, making me doubt myself etc. He’s sickly nice one minute and awful the next. Begging for another chance and then being awful about being single.
It’s my house but he won’t leave. I don’t want there to be a scene or for it to get nasty. But I also don’t want to just be in limbo pretending that this situation is normal or ok. I think he’s in denial.
I know how you feel! For months I told my husband it should be HIM leaving the house, not me. I saw a lawyer (like Liz D) who told me that even if it feels like I am "giving up" my house and other co-owned possessions, I would get my fair share BACK in divorce proceedings. Maybe even the rent I was going to have to pay for an apt.
Find a family lawyer who will do Ann initial consultation at no charge; or pay the gigantic amount to find out what you need to do to protect yourself (even if you have to put it on a credit card)! It is a drop in the bucket compared to what's coming if/when you file for divorce. You need to know the laws in your state!
Good luck and G-d bless!
Hootz, I can so relate to your situation. I too am with someone who berates me and then says “I love you “ the goes back calling me every name he can think of. And it’s my house and I want him out.
It’s getting worse and worse and I don’t see him ever sobering up. I did speak with a lawyer. It cost me some money to do a consultation, but it did lay out a plan that I can do to get out of this situation. It gave me some insight and let me feel that there is a way out, but not going to be easy. It may involve an order of protection if he refuses to leave. I don’t have all the details because one obstacle is getting the money for the retainer, I could put it on a credit card but I know once I do everything will be moving forward and that is scary. I’m going to contact the lawyer to see what type of time line there is from once the retainer, how soon he gets served and how I get him out of my house. I hope this helps you a bit. I’m sorry I don’t have all the answers yet. My best to you. ❤️
My best to you too Liz. Such a hard situation. We still have not resolved it. He keeps trying to talk me round into giving him another chance - like it should be easy for me because I love him. But the truth is the thought of that fills me with dread because it’s always been so hard and tumultuous with a huge let down when he doesn’t stick to it. He makes me feel as though me loving him means I should do whatever it takes, even if that is at the expense of my sanity and wellbeing.
If I had anywhere to go that would allow my daughter to keep going to her school, I would go. I don’t have any family that I talk to. My friends who live in town definitely don’t have room for two people and 2 dogs. I don’t have the money to stay in a hotel. I want him to go. I’m the breadwinner. His pay would not even get him a rented room around my area. The rent are insane, like $1000 a month for a room. For me to get an apartment around here that takes dogs is at least $2000 a month which is more than I can afford and much more than my mortgage.