Making the decision to leave was one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I knew it would be necessary at some point. I could see it coming due to the aggression and violence, the lies were spinning out of control. So I started secretly saving money, and I made sure my daughter and I had a safe space in an emergency. We even had go bags ready. But, I actually sat there one day while my daughter was at a friends and he was just verbally destroying me telling me how pathetic I was. I stayed calm for though it all. And when he finally left I got dressed, and I just at asked myself what am I waiting for? How bad does this have to get? I knew then it would be best to leave now, on my terms, when I had time to get things together. I deserved to stay in our house with our daughter…but that would have been so much harder to keep him away. So I called my daughter and she told me what she wanted and we quietly left together. It still breaks my heart to think about. He turned so much uglier from that point on. It has never gotten better. But I am so grateful that I got away…
I am so sorry. You did the right thing for you and your daughter, though. Thank you for sharing this with this community. I just recently divorced and have 100% custody of our child, and I feel much better now despite the financial hardship of being a single mom.
I totally understand. I was lucky my partner never got violent but it still hurts as bad. This is what he couldn’t understand. He used to say the worse thing I do is fall asleep!
You did the best thing for you and especially for your daughter. You both deserve so much better! Stay strong even on those low days. I hope you find peace and calm in your new life. Blessings always. 🥰
I decided to leave after much torment in my head but I was going downhill myself and really struggling with his addiction. I spent all my time researching ways to help him and get him better while he snuck out to the shed and had another drink and another and another. I was so sad and knew I was going downhill myself I realised that every time I took our dog for a walk I would just cry the whole time. So I began to think I need to leave which I did and went back but still nothing changed so I left for good. My sister and a good friend helped as offered me temporary homes. The pain I felt was the worst ever and he got worse with his drinking and I thought it was my fault for leaving. I spoke to him a lot but realised he was manipulating me quite a lot although he kept apologising. But then that year he died.! I left in January 2020 and by December he died- he drank that much he had multiple organ failure. I think it’s taken until now to really realise it wasn’t my fault. I can’t get over that I may have added to his death but I will eventually. So I’ve spent time getting myself better from the trauma and yes guys it’s a horrendous trauma! I was soon diagnosed with CLL (chronic leukaemia) and thought now I must live my life to the full and I mustn’t stay stuck in these thoughts forever! So I’ve visited Australia, been on lots of trips and holidays, seen bands and danced! I am learning to do art, have my own cute apartment and see a new man. I am happy living on my own though and I work hard. Life is good. Yes I think about him a lot and still grieve and have my moments but I let the thought come, maybe cry and then let it go. He chose not to get better and I chose to leave! My sister told me the pain would pass eventually and it will. It’s just sad I lost him forever. But if I had the choice again would I leave? Yes I would . Is that selfish? I don’t think so as I was drowning too
I know how you are feeling! I, too, left my husband and left again. He, too, got worse and worse. I felt the same torment of guilt for "causing" him to get worse.
But my husband also went into multi-organ failure. I knew it was coming. I've always known. Doctors were able to restore kidney function (which restored function to other organs), but he is in late-stage liver failure. HE FINALLY STOPPED DRINKING, just short of vodka-ing himself to death, as your husband did. I am so very sorry.
Finally, he is a loving partner again. We are spending time that is happier than it's been for 7-8 years. There is joy! But he is slowly deteriorating, and we will have to find a liver if he is going to survive. The consolation prize of his sobriety at the last hour is a few happy months and a limited chance of a transplant. Hardly the life I had imagined for us. The irony is too painful to think about.
Julie, I think our stories pair well as a cautionary tale for other women that THE ADDICT MIGHT NEVER STOP, at any cost. It's not about you. Your staying or going is your choice--responding to it is their responsibility. Maybe a question to add to the list is whether you want to watch him kill himself; if he doesn't seek help, that's what will happen. And there's nothing you can do about it until he is ready. We all have to decide what WE want: No one wins if you stay miserable and he stays drunk. If you see no end in sight and are able to go, don't let guilt be your reason to stay.
Much love to all at whatever stage of this terrible journey. Here's hoping there will soon be REAL HELP for addicts.
I completely understand and can relate to you. I too was in a relationship like yours. I made a plan, rented a condo and left one day in November 2019. I had to do it for me and my daughters (not his children). I felt guilty for leaving knowing he didn’t have a license (multiple DUIs) and wouldn’t be able to afford living where we were. I started talking to him again and seeing him. I told myself we weren’t “together” but I was kidding myself. I passed away in August of 2020. It has taken me a long time to understand that me leaving did not cause him to die….that was on him. Thank you for sharing your story.
This was the question I myself wanted an answer to. At the beginning of my recovery, I was looking for the yes or no answer. I didn't find it. At first it was so frustrating because that's all I wanted, I wanted someone to tell me, yes leave, no stay but not one person would tell me and I didn't find that definitive answer until, I healed MYSELF! Michelle, you hit this one right out of the park and It took time for me to learn that but I did. Once I myself healed, The changes I needed to see in my husband, naturally happened. And I'm not necessarily talking sobriety. I, myself woke up to the Love I had in my heart and soul for HIM, the MAN, not the Alcoholic. I can now be comfortable and confident in my decision to stay. I LOVE HIM, period! He may never get sober, that is no longer my focus. It also doesn't take away my feelings of sadness, loneliness and other feelings but I now have the ability to do what I NEED for myself so that I don't stay stuck in all those feelings. It's not easy, but for me, I choose to stay and Love the man!
Stefanie, thank you for your bravery and for posting! I love that you were able to find the place where you can live happily. This is where I want to be as well. I love that you are proof of the possibility! Thank you again for sharing!
I so happy for you that you were able to heal and chose to stay. I am struggling with the same questions right now. I am working on healing myself, but so conflicted on staying or leaving. I am young and want children. I love him so much, but the last 4 years have been a total rollercoaster. How do you manage or deal with him continuing to drink?
Hi JA, I'm able to manage because I got myself in a better head space first. I had to get to a place where I wasn't so angry all the time, it didn't happen over night. When I finally started living my life for myself in a positive healthier way, things just fell into place. Then when he started drinking again, I felt that anger creep up but I was able to remind myself that I don't have to be. I just accept that his drinking is HIS reality, not mine. I choose to no longer get and/or stay angry. I hope this helps in some way. Only you can find your own path of how you wish to live YOUR life. My best advice, just don't live YOUR life for his. :-) Hugs.
I have been tossing this question around for a year and a half almost. I have made a decision to leave but have no clue where to start. I start making a plan and then I get totally overwhelmed and then distract myself from thinking about it. I am working on giving myself more grace and mercy. Thanks for continuing to share with us Michelle!
It is too hard to try to figure out every piece of the puzzle at once! In order to leave, what do you absolutely NEED? A place to stay and enough money to survive while you figure out the rest. I know that's oversimplified. But if you are an over-thinker (like me), you will be paralyzed by unanswerable questions. Go to clergy, seek a women's advocacy group, or check in with social services if resources are a problem. If/ when you want/are ready to leave, there are people who can help.
I am currently asking myself this question. I am not sure if I am able to maintain my sanity while continuing to live in this chaotic environment that I did create, nor choose. Today started as a good day, which is when I see the “potential”, but now the good day has swiftly brought me back to reality since my husband went to the “ store” 2 hours ago. I am now wondering why I continue to put myself through this vicious cycle. I know if is a sickness but what is the cost I am willing to pay?
I agree with you - at what cost to us ?! I decided I’m done today. Last night n today’s behavior was the straw that broke the camel’s back as they say . He continues to bring chaos to my world and I want peace n calmness ! Hard decision yes. But definitely ready to end it and feel free !
Thanks again for sharing this! It has been 5 months since we divorced and almost 4 months since he moved out. I asked myself all those questions over the years and it still took HIM initiating the divorce. For me, I prayed for years for a way out that wouldn't turn our child's life upside down...God gave me my out last April. My ex accused me of overdrafting our account (I didn't), cussed me out in front of our child, told me he hated me and wanted a divorce. That was my answered prayer! Something so silly and trite, but it was my way out. FF a few months, he hired a lawyer and sued me for divorce. Biggest blessing ever.
I just decided. Today is the day. His behavior last night and today solidified what I need and want to do - his addiction controls him and I’m done. I want peace n happiness and I know that can’t be with him . These posts have been so incredibly helpful !!
I'm in the stage of should I stay or go? I wanna go but at the same time he keeps telling me, I'm a die if you leave me, in which I feel he playing games when he says these things. My husband is an alcoholic and I been codependent with him for years, but a part of me wants to leave cause it's not getting any better, it's getting worse and I'm ready to leave this time
I’m struggling so much atm but also feel like I’m so close to finding peace. I have left my partner twice over the last 6 years. We have 2 young children. He is still using despite many promises over the last year. I feel like I’ve lost a bit more of myself every time we do this. I know the way forward is to focus on me and my own recovery, and I’m sure that would lead to good things with him too, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I have anything left to give. I still love him, but I’m exhausted and just want to run. I don’t think I can work on myself amidst the chaos. I’ve told him it’s over, and really do think this is for the best. We need to be ok for our babies and unfortunately, us together with an addiction in the mix just doesn’t allow that. I honestly don’t think he will ever get better whilst he’s with me.
Please, if your sobriety is threatened in that environment, get outta there. The cost for your children if started using again would be immeasurable and lasting. And you have done the EXTREMELY hard work of cessation--please don't throw it away! You are doing great, thinking clearly, and considering options. You and your kids deserve a better life.
Good for you!! What a great example for other women to see that staying AND inner peace may be an option for some. So glad you worked through the process and found what is most important to you!
I too am struggling with whether to stay or go. My gut is telling me to separate (we have a 6 month old son and step mother to his 15 yr old daughter). He continues the same games- one minute screaming, belittling the next is professing his love. So many emotional highs and lows. I’ve been staying with my parents for the last 4 months and it’s still not enough threat for him to seek help. Goes a few days here or there without drinking and thinks that means it’s under control. Was drunk in the delivery room when our son was born. I just feel fed up but the thought of also leaving my son without a consistent father is heartbreaking. But the thought of him growing up in this environment hurts just as much. It’s trying to decide the lesser evil of staying or going. Both will be difficult.
Absolutely I get it completely. I feel that the lesser evil is leaving. At least that way there may be a chance they could get better and their children will have the father they deserve even if we don’t get the partner we deserved. My partner will never get better in the comfort and safety of our situation.
He’s currently looking for somewhere of his own. Things are awful at home but I’m just trying my best to stay calm and civil knowing that peace is not far away now. Good luck x
That’s a really good point - “they could get better and their children will have the father they deserve”
Hope you’re managing okay at home I understand the difficulties of that situation.
You are strong and I wish the best for you and your family. Let me know how you do it would be nice to keep in touch with someone living this type of situation. Either way thank you and good luck to you also!
Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to "hear". I have been struggling with these thoughts for a little while now. I know there's nothing I can do to change him and that it's not my business to do that, but staying has been a struggle, mainly because I haven't completed my own "recovery". Thank you for your kindness, and the reminder, and the words of comfort and support. I desperately needed to hear all of it from someone. Best
I’ve finally done it. He’s gone. We’ve told our son, and I’m figuring out our new ways of life. It’s scary, but in a way more peaceful way. I still find myself thinking about what he’s doing and what he should/shouldn’t be doing. I think this will be the next journey - to detach and truly let go of all the control I desperately clung to but actually never had. Aaaaaaaaand, breathe.
Thank you for providing a platform for a community of partners struggling with their partner's addiction. I am at a point, and have been saying this for awhile, where I don't know how much longer I can hang in there to see if he can live the sober life. He was in rehab a couple years ago and since then he has made it a few months was his longest, but the last year he really hasn't been able to remain sober for a month. And now we are talking every week or two he relapses. He's tried meetings, counseling, virtual church, but nothing sticks with him. He can't stay on the path. I keep hearing the same lines over and over and I feel like I'm living the Groundhog Day movie. My mental health has suffered. I have sought counseling, and although I think I could handle this and the way it is and the way it is going for some time, I can't help but think I don't deserve to have to live like this. And I really don't want to. But... I do love him. Although, I feel like lately I've been putting up a wall and shutting down and that makes me incredibly sad. If I leave, I will feel like I have failed. I will feel badly about how this will effect my son as I know he will be sad (this is his step dad and my second marriage). I also don't want to feel like I've abandoned someone I love who needs help and support. It feels like there is no winning decision here. I do keep thinking I'll know if I truly can't handle it anymore. But, I keep thinking meanwhile how much time will go by where I am in mental and emotional torment from his disease and his constant relapses.
your story sounds extremely similar to mine and since I kicked him out of my home 2 weeks ago I finally feel free - absolutely amazing for the first time since we’ve been together ( 19 months ). We MUST put ourselves first. Their disease only brings us lower into their dark web and we must take care of ourselves. Mentally n physically. This disease is toxic and controls everyone around them. Pure chaos. No one should ever live like that - mine wasn’t getting the help he needed and wasn’t putting in the work n effort needed to stay sober. I gave him so many chances until my health literally was collapsing.
He had a horrible episode while at a wedding and that was the last straw for me. I truly feel amazing. I feel like now I have the strength to live my best life. Stay in my lane now because I know I cannot control others - at this point my partner must be alone to hopefully take care of himself because all I was doing was enabling him. Horrible for us both .
- please know you’re not alone. Sending you hugs n strength from a far ! You got this ❤️💪🏼
Making the decision to leave was one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I knew it would be necessary at some point. I could see it coming due to the aggression and violence, the lies were spinning out of control. So I started secretly saving money, and I made sure my daughter and I had a safe space in an emergency. We even had go bags ready. But, I actually sat there one day while my daughter was at a friends and he was just verbally destroying me telling me how pathetic I was. I stayed calm for though it all. And when he finally left I got dressed, and I just at asked myself what am I waiting for? How bad does this have to get? I knew then it would be best to leave now, on my terms, when I had time to get things together. I deserved to stay in our house with our daughter…but that would have been so much harder to keep him away. So I called my daughter and she told me what she wanted and we quietly left together. It still breaks my heart to think about. He turned so much uglier from that point on. It has never gotten better. But I am so grateful that I got away…
I am so sorry. You did the right thing for you and your daughter, though. Thank you for sharing this with this community. I just recently divorced and have 100% custody of our child, and I feel much better now despite the financial hardship of being a single mom.
I am sorry for you as well. You cannot put a price on safety and peace.
I totally understand. I was lucky my partner never got violent but it still hurts as bad. This is what he couldn’t understand. He used to say the worse thing I do is fall asleep!
I’m so sorry
Thank you x
You did the best thing for you and especially for your daughter. You both deserve so much better! Stay strong even on those low days. I hope you find peace and calm in your new life. Blessings always. 🥰
I decided to leave after much torment in my head but I was going downhill myself and really struggling with his addiction. I spent all my time researching ways to help him and get him better while he snuck out to the shed and had another drink and another and another. I was so sad and knew I was going downhill myself I realised that every time I took our dog for a walk I would just cry the whole time. So I began to think I need to leave which I did and went back but still nothing changed so I left for good. My sister and a good friend helped as offered me temporary homes. The pain I felt was the worst ever and he got worse with his drinking and I thought it was my fault for leaving. I spoke to him a lot but realised he was manipulating me quite a lot although he kept apologising. But then that year he died.! I left in January 2020 and by December he died- he drank that much he had multiple organ failure. I think it’s taken until now to really realise it wasn’t my fault. I can’t get over that I may have added to his death but I will eventually. So I’ve spent time getting myself better from the trauma and yes guys it’s a horrendous trauma! I was soon diagnosed with CLL (chronic leukaemia) and thought now I must live my life to the full and I mustn’t stay stuck in these thoughts forever! So I’ve visited Australia, been on lots of trips and holidays, seen bands and danced! I am learning to do art, have my own cute apartment and see a new man. I am happy living on my own though and I work hard. Life is good. Yes I think about him a lot and still grieve and have my moments but I let the thought come, maybe cry and then let it go. He chose not to get better and I chose to leave! My sister told me the pain would pass eventually and it will. It’s just sad I lost him forever. But if I had the choice again would I leave? Yes I would . Is that selfish? I don’t think so as I was drowning too
I know how you are feeling! I, too, left my husband and left again. He, too, got worse and worse. I felt the same torment of guilt for "causing" him to get worse.
But my husband also went into multi-organ failure. I knew it was coming. I've always known. Doctors were able to restore kidney function (which restored function to other organs), but he is in late-stage liver failure. HE FINALLY STOPPED DRINKING, just short of vodka-ing himself to death, as your husband did. I am so very sorry.
Finally, he is a loving partner again. We are spending time that is happier than it's been for 7-8 years. There is joy! But he is slowly deteriorating, and we will have to find a liver if he is going to survive. The consolation prize of his sobriety at the last hour is a few happy months and a limited chance of a transplant. Hardly the life I had imagined for us. The irony is too painful to think about.
Julie, I think our stories pair well as a cautionary tale for other women that THE ADDICT MIGHT NEVER STOP, at any cost. It's not about you. Your staying or going is your choice--responding to it is their responsibility. Maybe a question to add to the list is whether you want to watch him kill himself; if he doesn't seek help, that's what will happen. And there's nothing you can do about it until he is ready. We all have to decide what WE want: No one wins if you stay miserable and he stays drunk. If you see no end in sight and are able to go, don't let guilt be your reason to stay.
Much love to all at whatever stage of this terrible journey. Here's hoping there will soon be REAL HELP for addicts.
It’s sad he is deteriorating even though he stopped drinking.
I wish you both well
I completely understand and can relate to you. I too was in a relationship like yours. I made a plan, rented a condo and left one day in November 2019. I had to do it for me and my daughters (not his children). I felt guilty for leaving knowing he didn’t have a license (multiple DUIs) and wouldn’t be able to afford living where we were. I started talking to him again and seeing him. I told myself we weren’t “together” but I was kidding myself. I passed away in August of 2020. It has taken me a long time to understand that me leaving did not cause him to die….that was on him. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh I feel for you too. It’s awful isn’t it but we were not to blame. Thank you for sharing too
Julie, I admire your strength! You give me hope that I will find the strength soon. Your story is so sad and I'm sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you're doing better in your new life. I hope you are blessed with a peaceful and joy filled life from now on. 🥰
Thank you. It took me a long time to deal with the guilt but am now at peace with myself and him. My life is blessed and I’m doing ok
This was the question I myself wanted an answer to. At the beginning of my recovery, I was looking for the yes or no answer. I didn't find it. At first it was so frustrating because that's all I wanted, I wanted someone to tell me, yes leave, no stay but not one person would tell me and I didn't find that definitive answer until, I healed MYSELF! Michelle, you hit this one right out of the park and It took time for me to learn that but I did. Once I myself healed, The changes I needed to see in my husband, naturally happened. And I'm not necessarily talking sobriety. I, myself woke up to the Love I had in my heart and soul for HIM, the MAN, not the Alcoholic. I can now be comfortable and confident in my decision to stay. I LOVE HIM, period! He may never get sober, that is no longer my focus. It also doesn't take away my feelings of sadness, loneliness and other feelings but I now have the ability to do what I NEED for myself so that I don't stay stuck in all those feelings. It's not easy, but for me, I choose to stay and Love the man!
Stefanie, thank you for your bravery and for posting! I love that you were able to find the place where you can live happily. This is where I want to be as well. I love that you are proof of the possibility! Thank you again for sharing!
I so happy for you that you were able to heal and chose to stay. I am struggling with the same questions right now. I am working on healing myself, but so conflicted on staying or leaving. I am young and want children. I love him so much, but the last 4 years have been a total rollercoaster. How do you manage or deal with him continuing to drink?
Hi JA, I'm able to manage because I got myself in a better head space first. I had to get to a place where I wasn't so angry all the time, it didn't happen over night. When I finally started living my life for myself in a positive healthier way, things just fell into place. Then when he started drinking again, I felt that anger creep up but I was able to remind myself that I don't have to be. I just accept that his drinking is HIS reality, not mine. I choose to no longer get and/or stay angry. I hope this helps in some way. Only you can find your own path of how you wish to live YOUR life. My best advice, just don't live YOUR life for his. :-) Hugs.
I have been tossing this question around for a year and a half almost. I have made a decision to leave but have no clue where to start. I start making a plan and then I get totally overwhelmed and then distract myself from thinking about it. I am working on giving myself more grace and mercy. Thanks for continuing to share with us Michelle!
It is too hard to try to figure out every piece of the puzzle at once! In order to leave, what do you absolutely NEED? A place to stay and enough money to survive while you figure out the rest. I know that's oversimplified. But if you are an over-thinker (like me), you will be paralyzed by unanswerable questions. Go to clergy, seek a women's advocacy group, or check in with social services if resources are a problem. If/ when you want/are ready to leave, there are people who can help.
Living with an alcoholic or being surrounded by them is extra heavy and tiring. Practicing the principle of detachment is helpful ❤️
It has been about ten years since I first discovered your work, and I am still so grateful for your wisdom.
I am currently asking myself this question. I am not sure if I am able to maintain my sanity while continuing to live in this chaotic environment that I did create, nor choose. Today started as a good day, which is when I see the “potential”, but now the good day has swiftly brought me back to reality since my husband went to the “ store” 2 hours ago. I am now wondering why I continue to put myself through this vicious cycle. I know if is a sickness but what is the cost I am willing to pay?
I agree with you - at what cost to us ?! I decided I’m done today. Last night n today’s behavior was the straw that broke the camel’s back as they say . He continues to bring chaos to my world and I want peace n calmness ! Hard decision yes. But definitely ready to end it and feel free !
Thanks again for sharing this! It has been 5 months since we divorced and almost 4 months since he moved out. I asked myself all those questions over the years and it still took HIM initiating the divorce. For me, I prayed for years for a way out that wouldn't turn our child's life upside down...God gave me my out last April. My ex accused me of overdrafting our account (I didn't), cussed me out in front of our child, told me he hated me and wanted a divorce. That was my answered prayer! Something so silly and trite, but it was my way out. FF a few months, he hired a lawyer and sued me for divorce. Biggest blessing ever.
I just decided. Today is the day. His behavior last night and today solidified what I need and want to do - his addiction controls him and I’m done. I want peace n happiness and I know that can’t be with him . These posts have been so incredibly helpful !!
I'm in the stage of should I stay or go? I wanna go but at the same time he keeps telling me, I'm a die if you leave me, in which I feel he playing games when he says these things. My husband is an alcoholic and I been codependent with him for years, but a part of me wants to leave cause it's not getting any better, it's getting worse and I'm ready to leave this time
I’m struggling so much atm but also feel like I’m so close to finding peace. I have left my partner twice over the last 6 years. We have 2 young children. He is still using despite many promises over the last year. I feel like I’ve lost a bit more of myself every time we do this. I know the way forward is to focus on me and my own recovery, and I’m sure that would lead to good things with him too, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think I have anything left to give. I still love him, but I’m exhausted and just want to run. I don’t think I can work on myself amidst the chaos. I’ve told him it’s over, and really do think this is for the best. We need to be ok for our babies and unfortunately, us together with an addiction in the mix just doesn’t allow that. I honestly don’t think he will ever get better whilst he’s with me.
Please, if your sobriety is threatened in that environment, get outta there. The cost for your children if started using again would be immeasurable and lasting. And you have done the EXTREMELY hard work of cessation--please don't throw it away! You are doing great, thinking clearly, and considering options. You and your kids deserve a better life.
Thanks Tara - I’m not a recovering addict. I meant my own recovery as in emotional healing, codependency etc x
Ohhhhhhh!!! I see. Well that's a long hard road too!! I wish you the best.
Good for you!! What a great example for other women to see that staying AND inner peace may be an option for some. So glad you worked through the process and found what is most important to you!
I too am struggling with whether to stay or go. My gut is telling me to separate (we have a 6 month old son and step mother to his 15 yr old daughter). He continues the same games- one minute screaming, belittling the next is professing his love. So many emotional highs and lows. I’ve been staying with my parents for the last 4 months and it’s still not enough threat for him to seek help. Goes a few days here or there without drinking and thinks that means it’s under control. Was drunk in the delivery room when our son was born. I just feel fed up but the thought of also leaving my son without a consistent father is heartbreaking. But the thought of him growing up in this environment hurts just as much. It’s trying to decide the lesser evil of staying or going. Both will be difficult.
Absolutely I get it completely. I feel that the lesser evil is leaving. At least that way there may be a chance they could get better and their children will have the father they deserve even if we don’t get the partner we deserved. My partner will never get better in the comfort and safety of our situation.
He’s currently looking for somewhere of his own. Things are awful at home but I’m just trying my best to stay calm and civil knowing that peace is not far away now. Good luck x
That’s a really good point - “they could get better and their children will have the father they deserve”
Hope you’re managing okay at home I understand the difficulties of that situation.
You are strong and I wish the best for you and your family. Let me know how you do it would be nice to keep in touch with someone living this type of situation. Either way thank you and good luck to you also!
Thank you for this post. It was exactly what I needed to "hear". I have been struggling with these thoughts for a little while now. I know there's nothing I can do to change him and that it's not my business to do that, but staying has been a struggle, mainly because I haven't completed my own "recovery". Thank you for your kindness, and the reminder, and the words of comfort and support. I desperately needed to hear all of it from someone. Best
I’ve finally done it. He’s gone. We’ve told our son, and I’m figuring out our new ways of life. It’s scary, but in a way more peaceful way. I still find myself thinking about what he’s doing and what he should/shouldn’t be doing. I think this will be the next journey - to detach and truly let go of all the control I desperately clung to but actually never had. Aaaaaaaaand, breathe.
Thank you for providing a platform for a community of partners struggling with their partner's addiction. I am at a point, and have been saying this for awhile, where I don't know how much longer I can hang in there to see if he can live the sober life. He was in rehab a couple years ago and since then he has made it a few months was his longest, but the last year he really hasn't been able to remain sober for a month. And now we are talking every week or two he relapses. He's tried meetings, counseling, virtual church, but nothing sticks with him. He can't stay on the path. I keep hearing the same lines over and over and I feel like I'm living the Groundhog Day movie. My mental health has suffered. I have sought counseling, and although I think I could handle this and the way it is and the way it is going for some time, I can't help but think I don't deserve to have to live like this. And I really don't want to. But... I do love him. Although, I feel like lately I've been putting up a wall and shutting down and that makes me incredibly sad. If I leave, I will feel like I have failed. I will feel badly about how this will effect my son as I know he will be sad (this is his step dad and my second marriage). I also don't want to feel like I've abandoned someone I love who needs help and support. It feels like there is no winning decision here. I do keep thinking I'll know if I truly can't handle it anymore. But, I keep thinking meanwhile how much time will go by where I am in mental and emotional torment from his disease and his constant relapses.
Mary -
your story sounds extremely similar to mine and since I kicked him out of my home 2 weeks ago I finally feel free - absolutely amazing for the first time since we’ve been together ( 19 months ). We MUST put ourselves first. Their disease only brings us lower into their dark web and we must take care of ourselves. Mentally n physically. This disease is toxic and controls everyone around them. Pure chaos. No one should ever live like that - mine wasn’t getting the help he needed and wasn’t putting in the work n effort needed to stay sober. I gave him so many chances until my health literally was collapsing.
He had a horrible episode while at a wedding and that was the last straw for me. I truly feel amazing. I feel like now I have the strength to live my best life. Stay in my lane now because I know I cannot control others - at this point my partner must be alone to hopefully take care of himself because all I was doing was enabling him. Horrible for us both .
- please know you’re not alone. Sending you hugs n strength from a far ! You got this ❤️💪🏼