Should We Leave?
"Should I leave my partner?"
What a big question. And let's be honest, it's a question that many women in this community have. Let’s first start off by saying thinking about leaving is nothing to be ashamed of. We’re doing the right thing by looking for answers, even though it’s hard.
The state of our relationships is not our fault. We fell in love with someone who really struggles with a very tragic and common issue. We love them. We see their potential. And we would do anything if the ones we love just got healthy.
Maybe it feels like it’s just killing you to stay with your partner. Or maybe it feels completely impossible to leave your partner.
Let’s state the obvious: Addiction is incredibly hard to live with.
We wonder:
Will they ever get sober?
What can I do to help them finally choose our relationship over their addiction?
Should I leave temporarily - will that help them get sober?
Would I be happier if I stayed or lonely if I left?
Let’s not judge ourselves if we ask these questions. But rather than letting them run in a constant loop in our minds, may I suggest a different idea? Instead of trying to decide whether to stay or leave, let’s just focus on ourselves for now.
When we start to focus on ourselves, we discover our own work. You might get sick of me saying this, so please forgive me; it’s true: our partners need recovery. But we do, too.
Addiction is traumatic, and we need to recover from being in such a chaotic situation; we need to address our codependent behaviors; we may even have childhood stuff in there that needs to be addressed by a professional.
That's our work.
When we begin this relationship, we start to uncover the areas that need healing, attention, and, yes, work. And I truly believe that we can't decide whether to leave the relationship or stay put until that work is well underway. Once you've started working on your own self, you won't have to ask yourself those questions anymore.
When (and if ever) the time is right to leave, you'll know.
Doing your own healing before you decide to stay or go can help you arrive at the healthiest decision: for you. If you still love your partner, that’s okay. And if you don’t anymore, that’s okay too. Try not to judge yourself. We are in this together and we all understand what you’re feeling.
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Making the decision to leave was one of the most difficult choices I have ever made. I knew it would be necessary at some point. I could see it coming due to the aggression and violence, the lies were spinning out of control. So I started secretly saving money, and I made sure my daughter and I had a safe space in an emergency. We even had go bags ready. But, I actually sat there one day while my daughter was at a friends and he was just verbally destroying me telling me how pathetic I was. I stayed calm for though it all. And when he finally left I got dressed, and I just at asked myself what am I waiting for? How bad does this have to get? I knew then it would be best to leave now, on my terms, when I had time to get things together. I deserved to stay in our house with our daughter…but that would have been so much harder to keep him away. So I called my daughter and she told me what she wanted and we quietly left together. It still breaks my heart to think about. He turned so much uglier from that point on. It has never gotten better. But I am so grateful that I got away…
I decided to leave after much torment in my head but I was going downhill myself and really struggling with his addiction. I spent all my time researching ways to help him and get him better while he snuck out to the shed and had another drink and another and another. I was so sad and knew I was going downhill myself I realised that every time I took our dog for a walk I would just cry the whole time. So I began to think I need to leave which I did and went back but still nothing changed so I left for good. My sister and a good friend helped as offered me temporary homes. The pain I felt was the worst ever and he got worse with his drinking and I thought it was my fault for leaving. I spoke to him a lot but realised he was manipulating me quite a lot although he kept apologising. But then that year he died.! I left in January 2020 and by December he died- he drank that much he had multiple organ failure. I think it’s taken until now to really realise it wasn’t my fault. I can’t get over that I may have added to his death but I will eventually. So I’ve spent time getting myself better from the trauma and yes guys it’s a horrendous trauma! I was soon diagnosed with CLL (chronic leukaemia) and thought now I must live my life to the full and I mustn’t stay stuck in these thoughts forever! So I’ve visited Australia, been on lots of trips and holidays, seen bands and danced! I am learning to do art, have my own cute apartment and see a new man. I am happy living on my own though and I work hard. Life is good. Yes I think about him a lot and still grieve and have my moments but I let the thought come, maybe cry and then let it go. He chose not to get better and I chose to leave! My sister told me the pain would pass eventually and it will. It’s just sad I lost him forever. But if I had the choice again would I leave? Yes I would . Is that selfish? I don’t think so as I was drowning too