20 Comments

As usual, I love this post. What has literally stopped me from walking away at any point the past 11 years of marriage has been my AH’s Bipolar 1. He medicates. He never misses his meds...ever. He described his condition to me as “(he) thinks about suicide every day, and wants to act on it about twice a year” and thats while medicated. He said that the first 30 minutes of drinking give him peace and he recognizes it gets away from him at that point. It broke my heart to hear that the man I love suffers like this, but it wasn’t until being introduced to Love Over Addiction did I realize there were TWO people in our relationship and zero out of two people gaf about how my mental and physical health was. Happy to report now one out of two of us gaf about me. Michelle saves MY life every day.

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Jun 9, 2023·edited Jun 9, 2023

Early in our marriage we fought about his drinking. I never felt at fault. He was the fun guy, and he took it too far. My concerns were dismissed as me being to "good" or controlling. Mostly I just ignored him when he drank too much. Then there was The Fight. The big one. Of course he'd been drinking, but this time it put me in a horrible position and this time I didn't have the strength to stay calm or rational. Nope. I lost it. Yelled, screamed, threw things...and it hurt him. He had to get stitches. I was immediately labeled crazy, psycho. My shame was so deep. I went to therapy. I worked on anger management. I started antidepressants. He joined me at counseling because he felt he needed to be sure I told them the truth about my rage, and we left with event the therapist telling me to really consider why I was so oversensitive about him having a couple drinks occasionally. His parents told me he wouldn't have to drink at all if I were a better wife. The church said I needed to pray more and turn the other cheek. My mother told me to suck it up because it wasn't that bad. I was 27 years old and BELIEVED THEM ALL. I believed something was truly rotten about me.

I'm incredibly grateful to LOA for helping me see the truth and learn to set boundaries that protect me. I'm also grateful to a wise Christian girlfriend who pointed out that "turning the other cheek" is when dealing with your enemy. Not your spouse.

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I am so incredibly grateful for this substack. Thank you Michelle. I felt so lost after LOA ended but understand.

My story..

I chose to stay. But my AP (alc. partner-not married) has escalated his addiction so bad recently. He retired last December.

Actually was kind of ‘positively’ ushered out due to a lot of factors. It was a bit demeaning for him. Ageism is real!

Now he doesn’t bathe regularly, doesn’t take care of the outdoors. His only responsibility, I clean. His new thing is not eating. He refuses to eat breakfast & lunch. Then about 4pm he goes to pour his first drink. By 7:00 he is so crocked he starts the verbal abuse. He demands food, ‘why don’t I feed him?’ ‘Why don’t I cook anymore?’. He actually sent me a voicemail last week after I wouldn’t engage in his drunkenness that said “you are a big fat loser”.

Then if I stay downstairs he tells me what a loser I am, how if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have a place to live blablabla. Last night it got so bad after I went upstairs, I had to play ocean sounds & cover my head as I cried myself to sleep. Finally. I think I need a way out. He said this AM he doesn’t remember (of course)

& said he needs to quit drinking. Yeah right.🙄

My self esteem is non existent. I try to see ME in the mirror but sometimes don’t recognize myself. In the last few years I worked so hard on me. I lost 60 lbs only to gain 35 back. I have no friends anymore. I’m embarrassed to tell the only family I can, my two cousins....my sister is not in my life, that I need a support system. They are financially very secure & I don’t think they would get that I am too broke right now if they tell me to leave.

I am done. Thats all I know...my big open heart has turned black & crispy. I compare myself constantly to others. Everything seems darker than normal.

God help me because prayer is my power.

Thanks for letting me purge. 🩵

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This is great truth. His drinking is not my fault nor is it my responsibility to monitor, worry about, or try to counsel away. I enforce my boundaries and let him self-destruct if that’s what is going to happen.

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These posts really hit a nerve inside of me...why did he do this? This doesn't look like fun to me. To be a slave to a substance.. I had dozens of theories. I delved deep into the psychology of addiction. The biology of it. I learned alot. It didn't get him sober.

The hope I had if only I can find the right thing to say, maybe a light bulb will go off in his head like in the old cartoons I used to watch as a kid.

What if I try to yell? Cry? Throw things? Wait to have "the talk" when he's sober? What if I pretend he's not in the room and I ignore him? Then I started to think... what if I did my own experiment? I knew his drug of choice made him paranoid and sketched out... so, I made sure I watched EVERY SINGLE HORROR SHOW THAT AIRED ok TV. If he was sober, I would reward with putting on sports or what made him happy. It didn't work. Although the bratty part of me was satisfied momentarily.

All of the times I walked on eggshells, terrified to trigger him into using.

Maybe if I made myself prettier? Kinder? Funnier? Something to divert his attention from using. If only...

The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach with these memories.

My brain KNEW I didn't cause it and I can't cure it.

My heart... my God... was shattering daily...

I had to force myself to say that mantra. The serenity prayer.

He did get sober. On his own. Because he wanted to. His way. I give him all of the credit. All the support and love now.

Looking back, i felt so alone until I found LOA. I was lost.

The advice I can now offer is... the only person you can control is you. Your reactions. Your choices. Your actions. You did not cause it. You cannot cure it. And that's okay.

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I love his little smushy face!

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His choices do affect me and our 3 adult children. One adult son (I will call him son 3) has mental health issues. He lives in our garage apartment. I was needed to help with my newborn grandson. My daughter in law had a difficult delivery. They needed me. I have flown out to help several times. I love being there with my grandson. But when I am not here my husband’s choices affects son 3’s mental health. I have to be the buffer for the choices my husband makes because those choices affect those around him but especially son 3.

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Love Tubby !

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Tubby is the best!

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