One of the Most Common Lies We Fall For
Almost all of us will raise our hands when asked if we secretly (kinda, sorta) blame ourselves for their addiction so let's set the record straight
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Your loved one might struggle with addiction.
But have you ever wondered why?
Why do they want to continue to get drunk or high when it comes at such a devastating price?
Most people suffering from addiction are great people with loads of potential. They can be charming, funny, brilliant, and kind.
So what makes someone ruin their lives and hurt the ones they love?
Were they born with a genetic predisposition?
Is addiction caused by a traumatic childhood?
Is there an undiagnosed mental illness?
Or is it your worst fear...
Do you secretly believe it’s your fault they are drinking or using drugs?
Some people might think that's a crazy question. Why would we blame ourselves for something they are choosing?
But you and I know this disease is very manipulative and will try to accuse us of all sorts of things that are not our fault.
Addiction is like a third party in our relationship. It's a bully and a liar and will mess with our heads.
So, today, I want to take on addiction and set the record straight because you are a kind and loving person who shouldn't blame yourself for this mess.
Here's the truth:
Their behavior, choices, and negative feelings are not your fault.
Learning to love someone suffering from addiction means learning to reject the blame and give back the responsibility to the rightful owner - the one suffering from addiction.
Their ability to overcome addiction has nothing to do with how "good" or "bad" a partner you are.
This could feel both relieving and scary to read. Because it allows you to let go of any perfectionistic tendencies since your loved one's future doesn't rest in how well you "perform," and it can feel scary because you have to surrender the fantasy that you don't have any real influence over their sobriety.
If they choose to get sober - it's 100% their victory to own - they get full credit (and gosh, do they deserve our deepest respect.)
If they choose to remain active in their addiction and not seek and commit to getting help - it's 100% their issue to handle.
Perhaps, I am oversimplifying, but my point is: don't let this awful disease try to convince you that what you are doing or what you are not doing has any effect on their desire to get sober.
Reject the responsibility of someone else's recovery.
And if you need some extra help - here's a simple little tip:
Next time you find yourself worrying about future issues or thinking about a painful past memory concerning their addiction:
Shrug your shoulders and say out loud, "not my fault and not my problem. I am kind, and I am strong. I can stay in my own lane."
Or put your hand up in a "stop" position and repeat, "not my fault and not my problem. I am kind, and I am strong. I can stay in my own lane."
This might feel silly at first, but it's a way to recognize negative thinking patterns and redirect your thoughts by reminding yourself - you are a great partner living a painful experience right now, and even though you are not in control of your loved one’s recovery, you are in control of your personal thoughts and feelings.
You can do this. I know it's hard and can feel lonely. We understand how you feel in this little secret spot of the internet. Don't give up on yourself. I believe in you.
Here’s a video of Tubby that might make you smile (sound on).
As usual, I love this post. What has literally stopped me from walking away at any point the past 11 years of marriage has been my AH’s Bipolar 1. He medicates. He never misses his meds...ever. He described his condition to me as “(he) thinks about suicide every day, and wants to act on it about twice a year” and thats while medicated. He said that the first 30 minutes of drinking give him peace and he recognizes it gets away from him at that point. It broke my heart to hear that the man I love suffers like this, but it wasn’t until being introduced to Love Over Addiction did I realize there were TWO people in our relationship and zero out of two people gaf about how my mental and physical health was. Happy to report now one out of two of us gaf about me. Michelle saves MY life every day.
Early in our marriage we fought about his drinking. I never felt at fault. He was the fun guy, and he took it too far. My concerns were dismissed as me being to "good" or controlling. Mostly I just ignored him when he drank too much. Then there was The Fight. The big one. Of course he'd been drinking, but this time it put me in a horrible position and this time I didn't have the strength to stay calm or rational. Nope. I lost it. Yelled, screamed, threw things...and it hurt him. He had to get stitches. I was immediately labeled crazy, psycho. My shame was so deep. I went to therapy. I worked on anger management. I started antidepressants. He joined me at counseling because he felt he needed to be sure I told them the truth about my rage, and we left with event the therapist telling me to really consider why I was so oversensitive about him having a couple drinks occasionally. His parents told me he wouldn't have to drink at all if I were a better wife. The church said I needed to pray more and turn the other cheek. My mother told me to suck it up because it wasn't that bad. I was 27 years old and BELIEVED THEM ALL. I believed something was truly rotten about me.
I'm incredibly grateful to LOA for helping me see the truth and learn to set boundaries that protect me. I'm also grateful to a wise Christian girlfriend who pointed out that "turning the other cheek" is when dealing with your enemy. Not your spouse.