Another great article Michelle! When you wrote “ Let’s be honest, not many people know what to do with our feelings of deep loneliness or constant anxiety”, this is the reason I have kept it from my family for 10years. I teared up reading this, because it was Christmas time, this past one, when I finally had the courage to tel some family from hiding it for 10years- not in great detail, but enough🥺 💕 I was so afraid to share what I was going through (even though I still haven’t fully), due to not wanting to add more chaos to the chaos - it just weighs on me because noone knows what I am going through and the weight on my shoulders .
Yes, yes, yes and yes. Just love. Just leave. Just do this. Just do that. It is never that simple and there are always consequences. You nailed it on the head with this one Michelle. Thank you ❤️
My heart goes out to you and all of us that live in this world of addition! Some how every time I read one of your e-mails, I say " been there done that" its mostly because don't feel so alone any more, there are real people out there that understand. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
The worst advice is to “Just leave him”. And I think the reason is, the thought of leaving always activates my attachment wounds (and CPTSD) and sends me into a dysregulated state. Think panic, anxiety, worry. I can’t think clearly in this state, and it actually makes the decision to leave HARDER.
You can’t make good decisions in a fight/flight/freeze/fawn state!
So what I think the best advice I have ever received, and it came from Michelle, is “Take care of yourself” and “Focus on you right now”. It’s in this space we are able to think more clearly, and from which we can grow. It’s here we can empower ourselves.
Create a safe place for yourself and focus on your OWN healing, not HIS.
I don’t usually respond in comments but was so struck by you writing about “ ways to express love”. It is so true! The simple ways a healthy relationship can share love with each other just doesn’t work in our dysfunctional lives. I have felt so guilty about this. Until I read it in your post it felt like it was MY problem. MY lack of caring. ME being “cold”. I don’t know why I didn’t put it together before, but THANK YOU for simply pointing it out.
I have tried so hard over the years to do the “unconditional love” , which is almost funny considering the lives we live, and have found myself continually holding back. Every time I feel I can let my guard down and give love freely I get burned. After 35 years of marriage that hurts… Especially when my husband uses it against me. I have tried to express this feeling to him but get it discounted. As though it is not fair.
Now I feel justified. It makes sense! It is a result of his actions. Not my character fault.
Once again, I have gained a great insight into my situational response due to your writing!
This could not have come at a better time. I just recently had to leave my church because so many people thought they understood and didn't. I thought my church was my safe place, but I found out differently. The pastor, his wife, and the worship leader said they wanted to talk with me because I had a bad day on a Wednesday night and the pastor asked me how I was and I let my emotions take over and said today "life sucks". So, I went in to talk and it was an intervention. I was ambushed. They thought it would be best for me to step down off stage (I play the bass guitar) so I could "heal". REALLY???? Where have ya'll been the last 8 years? I lose it one time and I need to not be a leader on stage because I can't smile all the time while I am playing, and I don't make the worship team look good if I am not smiling all the time. Sorry I live with a covert narcissistic alcoholic and there are just some days smiling is a little bit hard for me, even on a Sunday. Many people did know about my issues, I thought church was my safe place, but I was totally wrong. Even people at church (not all of them) expect you to perform even when you are hurting and you're walking in loneliness and anxiety. People who have not walked a day in your shoes have no clue what it really means to walk in your hell. I don't fault them, when people would ask me how I was doing, I would say "fine" and they would say, but how are you really doing? So, I would tell them. Truth is, they didn't really want to know, they just wanted to be nosy. It's hard to find those people who really want to walk with you. I have learned that just walking it with God is all I can really do. I don't fault the church people, most of them don't even understand mental illness and addiction, much less lived in it, but this is where the church needs to be involved with learning about mental illness, because people who have mental illness or addiction need the help of the church without the fear of the church people not understanding what happens when life is not always worth smiling about.
Thanks Michelle for your help i feel very down sometimes and reading your emails they help me it is hard i feel so alone some times wish i could leave but i cannot afford too. Thank you very much 😊
“Just leave him”. It’s your fault he’s drinking because you have multiple sclerosis and are in constant pain. He has to live with your misery. My step daughter is horrible and tells him to divorce me. He blames me for his drinking and taking my pain meds because he is my caretaker.
Thank you Michelle, you have been a inspiration for me over the years, and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you, I found your podcasts in one of the lowest points in my life dealing with my husband's addiction. Thank you for starting your podcast back, it means alot!🙏🏾💙. Now , to your point that that advice does apply to us, you can't be more correct! Unfortunately, I can't express how I feel to others, because they can relate. I have heard it all, in the past 13 years to the point that I just keep it all inside. Even when my husband is doing okay( can't ever use good or great) I always wondering, but can't share with any one, but my higher power. I know they mean well, but the last thing we need is to hear when your in crisis is what you should do, it makes you feel like a failure in this alway, especially when you have give them all of you.
One comment that hurt the most was probably from his mom, only because i had became close to her and she as well suffered from loving her ex- husband who had drug problems so i thought she would understand and could give me good advice but nope, she said “If it’s that bad why do i keep going back” that one hurt!!
My mother,an alcoholic once suggested that I made my bed with my alcoholic husband and now I should lie in it. So for years I did. No more gentle readers. Let us be very kind to ourselves. Sounds like a plan.
I heard people saying that I should let him just "drink socially", meaning... if I let him have his drinks he will eventually stop drinking too much...
Or " you are too easy on him. I I were you, I would find a lover and teach him a lesson"...
" Julia, you have to understand that at least he pays most of the bills and that he is a good father... he has his credits..."
wow, your podcast has helped me so much. i moved out in dec 16 and it was my most courageous move, my partner was. binge drinker, and i couldn't do it anymore 😞 ive gotten advice from friends in the past and judgement, like " why dont you leave?" those words would cut me, bc its not easy, we care so much about our person and believe that theyll change one day. i dont think they've ever been in situation like mine. either way, those people are no longer my friends, as i did a major cleanse in my inner circle. literally had to break up w the main girl who had personal thoughts about me and my life. im free 🤍
Michelle, first of all I want to thank you for the life-changing impact you have had on me. I clung to your podcasts for years and finally purchased (in secret) your “Should I Stay or Go” course that spelled out my answer so clearly as I worked through each module. I have now been on my own for over two years and I am so much happier and at peace than in the 15 years’ time before. Thank you thank you. ♥️
Secondly, I still read your blog because of the wounds that have yet to fully heal after being married to an addict for 16 years. It was so hard to find support from those who hadn’t experienced what I had…and endured many comments of “why are you still trying?” or “why don’t you just leave?” over the years. Thankfully my pastor had been trained to lead the Celebrate Recovery program and had the ability to really hear me and encourage me without judgment. His care, along with the support of my therapist and my best friend whose son suffers from addiction were integral to my ability to move forward in my life. I still call them my “Big 3.” I hope your words can help guide others in this incredibly difficult situation to find those who can truly empathize and walk alongside them on this path.
Another great article Michelle! When you wrote “ Let’s be honest, not many people know what to do with our feelings of deep loneliness or constant anxiety”, this is the reason I have kept it from my family for 10years. I teared up reading this, because it was Christmas time, this past one, when I finally had the courage to tel some family from hiding it for 10years- not in great detail, but enough🥺 💕 I was so afraid to share what I was going through (even though I still haven’t fully), due to not wanting to add more chaos to the chaos - it just weighs on me because noone knows what I am going through and the weight on my shoulders .
Yes, yes, yes and yes. Just love. Just leave. Just do this. Just do that. It is never that simple and there are always consequences. You nailed it on the head with this one Michelle. Thank you ❤️
My heart goes out to you and all of us that live in this world of addition! Some how every time I read one of your e-mails, I say " been there done that" its mostly because don't feel so alone any more, there are real people out there that understand. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.
The worst advice is to “Just leave him”. And I think the reason is, the thought of leaving always activates my attachment wounds (and CPTSD) and sends me into a dysregulated state. Think panic, anxiety, worry. I can’t think clearly in this state, and it actually makes the decision to leave HARDER.
You can’t make good decisions in a fight/flight/freeze/fawn state!
So what I think the best advice I have ever received, and it came from Michelle, is “Take care of yourself” and “Focus on you right now”. It’s in this space we are able to think more clearly, and from which we can grow. It’s here we can empower ourselves.
Create a safe place for yourself and focus on your OWN healing, not HIS.
It’s made so many positive changes in my life.
Take care of yourself ladies, you deserve it.
Hi Michelle,
I don’t usually respond in comments but was so struck by you writing about “ ways to express love”. It is so true! The simple ways a healthy relationship can share love with each other just doesn’t work in our dysfunctional lives. I have felt so guilty about this. Until I read it in your post it felt like it was MY problem. MY lack of caring. ME being “cold”. I don’t know why I didn’t put it together before, but THANK YOU for simply pointing it out.
I have tried so hard over the years to do the “unconditional love” , which is almost funny considering the lives we live, and have found myself continually holding back. Every time I feel I can let my guard down and give love freely I get burned. After 35 years of marriage that hurts… Especially when my husband uses it against me. I have tried to express this feeling to him but get it discounted. As though it is not fair.
Now I feel justified. It makes sense! It is a result of his actions. Not my character fault.
Once again, I have gained a great insight into my situational response due to your writing!
Thank you.
This could not have come at a better time. I just recently had to leave my church because so many people thought they understood and didn't. I thought my church was my safe place, but I found out differently. The pastor, his wife, and the worship leader said they wanted to talk with me because I had a bad day on a Wednesday night and the pastor asked me how I was and I let my emotions take over and said today "life sucks". So, I went in to talk and it was an intervention. I was ambushed. They thought it would be best for me to step down off stage (I play the bass guitar) so I could "heal". REALLY???? Where have ya'll been the last 8 years? I lose it one time and I need to not be a leader on stage because I can't smile all the time while I am playing, and I don't make the worship team look good if I am not smiling all the time. Sorry I live with a covert narcissistic alcoholic and there are just some days smiling is a little bit hard for me, even on a Sunday. Many people did know about my issues, I thought church was my safe place, but I was totally wrong. Even people at church (not all of them) expect you to perform even when you are hurting and you're walking in loneliness and anxiety. People who have not walked a day in your shoes have no clue what it really means to walk in your hell. I don't fault them, when people would ask me how I was doing, I would say "fine" and they would say, but how are you really doing? So, I would tell them. Truth is, they didn't really want to know, they just wanted to be nosy. It's hard to find those people who really want to walk with you. I have learned that just walking it with God is all I can really do. I don't fault the church people, most of them don't even understand mental illness and addiction, much less lived in it, but this is where the church needs to be involved with learning about mental illness, because people who have mental illness or addiction need the help of the church without the fear of the church people not understanding what happens when life is not always worth smiling about.
Thanks Michelle for your help i feel very down sometimes and reading your emails they help me it is hard i feel so alone some times wish i could leave but i cannot afford too. Thank you very much 😊
“Just leave him”. It’s your fault he’s drinking because you have multiple sclerosis and are in constant pain. He has to live with your misery. My step daughter is horrible and tells him to divorce me. He blames me for his drinking and taking my pain meds because he is my caretaker.
Thank you Michelle, you have been a inspiration for me over the years, and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you, I found your podcasts in one of the lowest points in my life dealing with my husband's addiction. Thank you for starting your podcast back, it means alot!🙏🏾💙. Now , to your point that that advice does apply to us, you can't be more correct! Unfortunately, I can't express how I feel to others, because they can relate. I have heard it all, in the past 13 years to the point that I just keep it all inside. Even when my husband is doing okay( can't ever use good or great) I always wondering, but can't share with any one, but my higher power. I know they mean well, but the last thing we need is to hear when your in crisis is what you should do, it makes you feel like a failure in this alway, especially when you have give them all of you.
Thanks for all the helpful articles and podcasts. I feel very alone and isolated. Today has been an emotional rollercoaster😭
One comment that hurt the most was probably from his mom, only because i had became close to her and she as well suffered from loving her ex- husband who had drug problems so i thought she would understand and could give me good advice but nope, she said “If it’s that bad why do i keep going back” that one hurt!!
My mother,an alcoholic once suggested that I made my bed with my alcoholic husband and now I should lie in it. So for years I did. No more gentle readers. Let us be very kind to ourselves. Sounds like a plan.
I heard people saying that I should let him just "drink socially", meaning... if I let him have his drinks he will eventually stop drinking too much...
Or " you are too easy on him. I I were you, I would find a lover and teach him a lesson"...
" Julia, you have to understand that at least he pays most of the bills and that he is a good father... he has his credits..."
wow, your podcast has helped me so much. i moved out in dec 16 and it was my most courageous move, my partner was. binge drinker, and i couldn't do it anymore 😞 ive gotten advice from friends in the past and judgement, like " why dont you leave?" those words would cut me, bc its not easy, we care so much about our person and believe that theyll change one day. i dont think they've ever been in situation like mine. either way, those people are no longer my friends, as i did a major cleanse in my inner circle. literally had to break up w the main girl who had personal thoughts about me and my life. im free 🤍
Advice received multiple times…just throw out all the alcohol
Michelle, first of all I want to thank you for the life-changing impact you have had on me. I clung to your podcasts for years and finally purchased (in secret) your “Should I Stay or Go” course that spelled out my answer so clearly as I worked through each module. I have now been on my own for over two years and I am so much happier and at peace than in the 15 years’ time before. Thank you thank you. ♥️
Secondly, I still read your blog because of the wounds that have yet to fully heal after being married to an addict for 16 years. It was so hard to find support from those who hadn’t experienced what I had…and endured many comments of “why are you still trying?” or “why don’t you just leave?” over the years. Thankfully my pastor had been trained to lead the Celebrate Recovery program and had the ability to really hear me and encourage me without judgment. His care, along with the support of my therapist and my best friend whose son suffers from addiction were integral to my ability to move forward in my life. I still call them my “Big 3.” I hope your words can help guide others in this incredibly difficult situation to find those who can truly empathize and walk alongside them on this path.