Normal Relationship Advice Does Not Apply To Us

In fact, it can hurt us.

Addiction leaves a path of destruction, and we are usually the ones left picking up the pieces. Our finances, homes, and future dreams can be demolished by one tiny pill, one six-ounce bottle, one small baggie of powder, or one website address - the path always starts with one. We live in constant fear of the first. Because we know afterward - there will be many to follow.

If you don’t love someone struggling with addiction, what I just described is almost too difficult to understand. The reason we are resistant to revealing what is truly going on in our relationships is that we’re afraid of other people’s reactions.

Let’s be honest, not many people know what to do with our feelings of deep loneliness or constant anxiety. And very well-intentioned people can give some really hurtful advice.

One Christmas, in an unusually calm and vulnerable moment, I found the courage to tell a family member my husband was addicted to drugs and alcohol.

I was sitting on the living room floor with this person. My newborn baby was asleep, bundled in his blanket on the bouncy chair next to us. I stroked his face waiting for my family member to respond. After a few moments of silence, they said, “well, I think you should love him more. Love him until it hurts.”

Love him until it hurts.

There are so many things wrong with this advice I am not even sure where to begin.

But first, I do want to recognize - this person had the right motivation. They have a very caring heart, and later, they came to my rescue many times when I was divorcing my husband.

Asking for marriage advice from someone who has never loved an addict before was my mistake. Expecting someone to understand our painful world of addiction is unfair. We live in unique circumstances. And truly, it’s difficult to relate on any level unless you, yourself, have loved someone suffering from addiction.

Normal relationship advice does not apply to us. In fact, it can hurt us.

Yes, in a healthy relationship, you are expected to compromise. But when addiction is involved, boundaries are your best friend.

In a healthy relationship, looking for ways to express love to your partner is considered thoughtful. In a relationship, when addiction is involved, it could run the risk of being codependent.

Do you see where I am going with this?

Also, back to the - “love them until it hurts” - advice …

One could argue that love and pain go hand in hand. Sure, we have all watched romantic comedies and listened to Taylor Swift's songs - pain and love are the constant denominators.

I love my children, and sometimes loving them can be painful. Especially when they don’t clean up their messes, get feisty, or text me from college with a “crisis” at 11:00 p.m.

But…

Love and pain when you love someone suffering from addiction - that’s a whole other deal. A lot of us experience way more pain than most of our friends who are in relationships. Some of us have experienced physical pain inflicted on us by our partners, and some of us feel the pain of embarrassment when our loved one misbehaves in front of others. We can experience the pain of broken promises to get sober and broken hearts when we discover they have been unfaithful.

The list of our pain from love is long. And loving until it hurts is not ever advice that applies.

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What relationship advice have you received that has been unhelpful or even hurtful? I would love to hear your comments below.