This is so hard! For a very long time I have carried the burden of my husbands addiction in secret. I was embarrassed and thought I could just carry it without sharing, because I didn’t want it to affect our “image”. But I finally have realized I can’t do this alone. I went to his counselor and was able to let go of so many feelings because he already knew it all. He talked to me about detachment, that I can’t be his accountability partner and realizing my happiness is not dependent on his sobriety. It was the most freeing feeling I have felt in our 15+ years of marriage and dealing (or not really dealing) with this addiction. My husband is a wonderful man and I hate that he has dealt with this for so long and how much it has hurt me. I love him, but I hate the addict.
I’m verrrrrry tired. I have covid right now (first time) feeling vulnerable. I have my own space to sleep/get away. Thank God.
But! I woke up to let our dog out & went to the back porch & found the window of the backdoor laying on the cement outside, tv remote outside on the ground, my side table with my rock collection, books, candles etc crushed & ruined(not the first time). Now not repairable. The only thing not harmed or spilled was his full glass of vodka. He fell more than once to do that amount of damage. All he said was my ‘rack’(side table)was cheap & useless. He won’t buy anything. I have to if I want something nice. So since I’m down with covid I spent the morning looking for a living situation. Found creeps & weirdoes. Great. So will go to social services next. I thought I could stay. I don’t want to anymore.
Getting back to this post....my mom & dad too, used to say I am the strongest person they knew. It triggered me. I so understand that! I’m no frail flower! But we all have our limits. I am just so dang grateful for Michelle & group, otherwise I’d think I’d lost my mind!
It’s sad to say but, I think the alcoholic is selfish because they can do anything and everything and we just take it until we can’t anymore. We hurt because we have feelings and the alcoholic does not see our feelings. The alcoholic does not comfort us when we need it the most, but we are there because we know how it feels to have no one comfort us so we in turn comfort them. We are taught to forgive but it’s not fair when the alcoholic takes and takes from us and we sit there like puppy’s waiting for someone to acknowledge us . We do this because we are good people but we need to start looking out for ourselves . It’s like the saying . If you want something done do it yourself. Yes they can do it but it will take forever waiting for them and that day may not ever come because they are selfish. We need to ask ourselves how was my day . We will do this because we actually care about how our day was. I’m tired of being disappointedI Sure I love my alcoholic but it’s my time to shine . It’s my time to be happy. I need to fill my day with possibilities with positives and with hope. Hope that no one will bring my smile into a frown. Hope will guide us. I used to send songs to my husbands phone for the way I was feeling. He read it but that was it. Sometimes he even said he was sorry, I should have called , I should have come home after work. Well , should of could of would have . Sure he loves me on Tuesday but not on Wednesday . It’s not fair and it makes me sad that I have let someone into my life like that . We are powerless over alcohol or whatever the addiction is . It doesn’t make it right but it gives us back our sanity. What do I want to make for dinner , what do I want to do today, what is going to make me happy because the alcoholic surely isn’t loosing sleep over what I think of anything . But I matter and so do you. So if you can get some peace by walking away from an argument , going to the grocery store extra long, talking to someone over the phone , screaming or singing in your car anything will help you do it. Because your worth it and I’m worth it to.
Michelle's posts always find me at the right time. My husband is currently working the steps and was talking recently about Step 8 and 9 (making amends). He tried to make a point that he has "already done these steps" because I know how sorry he is for how much his addiction has hurt me. And that he knows my focus in not in what he says but in how he acts, so his version of amends should just be to stay sober.
I was shocked. Throughout his treatment and for much of early recovery, it has been about him. I've done hard work to shift my focus from just supporting him to taking care of myself. But there is still work and strength in taking care of yourself when your partner isn't available. All of the sorrows, resentments and hurt would have fallen on deaf ears in active addiction or very early recovery, and so I put them aside. But, in the tenuous light of 10 months of sobriety, I want my day to discuss them. And to make sure he understands how I'd like to be treated differently beyond having a sober husband. Thank goodness for the small support circle of friends, dogs and therapist who have been rocks of support and allowed me to not be strong along the way.
I hope he takes me up on the opportunity to see me not be strong for a moment.
You are so right Michelle Anderson. This article helps me on a very personal level. Very much relatable. Some people think just because we show a strong forefront, we are okay and handling things well and don't need to be checked on. Sometimes it seems like Its more about the other party involved and how much they are hurting. My daughter and the ones closest to me know better and can tell when I am hurting, and my closest friends. It's a great reminder that it's okay to not be okay. I love how you said sometimes we have to fall apart to become whole again. Reminds me of the scripture, come unto me all who are burdened and heavy laden and I will give you rest. God don't expect us to handle everything on our own like life does not affect us emotionally. We lay it at his feet and if we have to do it every day all day if that's what it takes and that is okay because he is longsuffering with us and he truly cares about each of our hearts being mended back together. We just have to look in the right areas for that healing to come over time.
My husband did the same. On a vacation he didn’t drink at all but Sunday night when we get home he drinks. He can only go so long without.
I am trying to do the “ say nothing to him bc I can’t change him and only focus on me” approach. It’s hard and I feel like I’m giving him a free pass to drink every night. I hope he wakes up one day and says he’s going to go to AA (I’ve asked for him to do that since he got out of rehab on June 30tb.
Teri, I feel the same way...but have been trying to stay quiet and focus on myself and keeping boundaries and space. My husband "tries" for about 3 days and then its bad that 4th day when he "makes up" for the dry days. Apologizes in the morning. Thats usually when I try my compassion (after a sleepless night) and let him know its' unacceptable.
DeAnne, thanks for the comment. It’s to hard. I get so grouchy and irritated over nothing and he doesn’t understand why I’m acting like that. He has to know that I’m so unhappy bc he drinks which is getting back to 4-5 times a week, unless we have an activity or company etc.
He also procrastinates on everything and does things so “half ass” that I get to frustrated. I’m super busy with my job and he has all the time in the world but I still have to do everything. I know Heather says to stop doing more than our share but things need to get done.
I run a small business and he’s doing my bookkeeping but again doing a terrible job because he’s doing the minimal effort. I just hired a bookkeeper which is a big step for me.
Judy, that is my same story. It’s so hard. I’ve temporarily decided to totally detach and only focus on me and who cares if he drinks. I told him I’m no longer going to care if he drinks and I’m going to pour all the energy into me and take better care of myself. It feels good. One day when I’m not so busy with my work I may have him leave but I can’t deal with that right now so I am just being a roommate that doesn’t care. My three kids are older and they don’t see it so much bc they are living away from us which is good
I'm reading me in your writing here. Why is they can be so close to normal on vacation and back home - pattern exactly like you say? Frustrating to say the least. I like the bringing attention to the good man you saw.
I think there’s a place for pointing out the good you were reminded of. I’ve been using the term ‘partners’ and it seems to resonate for my husband. It’s not me trying to ‘control’ him as he often perceives me...but wanting the best parts of him back. So... guess what I’m saying Judy is not keeping quiet exactly, but maybe changing the conversation a little, so he hears what he’s capable of being. Not that we can make them do anything they don’t want to do…!
This is so hard! For a very long time I have carried the burden of my husbands addiction in secret. I was embarrassed and thought I could just carry it without sharing, because I didn’t want it to affect our “image”. But I finally have realized I can’t do this alone. I went to his counselor and was able to let go of so many feelings because he already knew it all. He talked to me about detachment, that I can’t be his accountability partner and realizing my happiness is not dependent on his sobriety. It was the most freeing feeling I have felt in our 15+ years of marriage and dealing (or not really dealing) with this addiction. My husband is a wonderful man and I hate that he has dealt with this for so long and how much it has hurt me. I love him, but I hate the addict.
Bb I felt your post as if it were my own writing. I need to start counseling. My first appt is 9/22. Very excited to start ‘the work’.
I’m verrrrrry tired. I have covid right now (first time) feeling vulnerable. I have my own space to sleep/get away. Thank God.
But! I woke up to let our dog out & went to the back porch & found the window of the backdoor laying on the cement outside, tv remote outside on the ground, my side table with my rock collection, books, candles etc crushed & ruined(not the first time). Now not repairable. The only thing not harmed or spilled was his full glass of vodka. He fell more than once to do that amount of damage. All he said was my ‘rack’(side table)was cheap & useless. He won’t buy anything. I have to if I want something nice. So since I’m down with covid I spent the morning looking for a living situation. Found creeps & weirdoes. Great. So will go to social services next. I thought I could stay. I don’t want to anymore.
Getting back to this post....my mom & dad too, used to say I am the strongest person they knew. It triggered me. I so understand that! I’m no frail flower! But we all have our limits. I am just so dang grateful for Michelle & group, otherwise I’d think I’d lost my mind!
Take care of yourself Annalee!! That is key. For me that is truly the first step...
It’s sad to say but, I think the alcoholic is selfish because they can do anything and everything and we just take it until we can’t anymore. We hurt because we have feelings and the alcoholic does not see our feelings. The alcoholic does not comfort us when we need it the most, but we are there because we know how it feels to have no one comfort us so we in turn comfort them. We are taught to forgive but it’s not fair when the alcoholic takes and takes from us and we sit there like puppy’s waiting for someone to acknowledge us . We do this because we are good people but we need to start looking out for ourselves . It’s like the saying . If you want something done do it yourself. Yes they can do it but it will take forever waiting for them and that day may not ever come because they are selfish. We need to ask ourselves how was my day . We will do this because we actually care about how our day was. I’m tired of being disappointedI Sure I love my alcoholic but it’s my time to shine . It’s my time to be happy. I need to fill my day with possibilities with positives and with hope. Hope that no one will bring my smile into a frown. Hope will guide us. I used to send songs to my husbands phone for the way I was feeling. He read it but that was it. Sometimes he even said he was sorry, I should have called , I should have come home after work. Well , should of could of would have . Sure he loves me on Tuesday but not on Wednesday . It’s not fair and it makes me sad that I have let someone into my life like that . We are powerless over alcohol or whatever the addiction is . It doesn’t make it right but it gives us back our sanity. What do I want to make for dinner , what do I want to do today, what is going to make me happy because the alcoholic surely isn’t loosing sleep over what I think of anything . But I matter and so do you. So if you can get some peace by walking away from an argument , going to the grocery store extra long, talking to someone over the phone , screaming or singing in your car anything will help you do it. Because your worth it and I’m worth it to.
Michelle's posts always find me at the right time. My husband is currently working the steps and was talking recently about Step 8 and 9 (making amends). He tried to make a point that he has "already done these steps" because I know how sorry he is for how much his addiction has hurt me. And that he knows my focus in not in what he says but in how he acts, so his version of amends should just be to stay sober.
I was shocked. Throughout his treatment and for much of early recovery, it has been about him. I've done hard work to shift my focus from just supporting him to taking care of myself. But there is still work and strength in taking care of yourself when your partner isn't available. All of the sorrows, resentments and hurt would have fallen on deaf ears in active addiction or very early recovery, and so I put them aside. But, in the tenuous light of 10 months of sobriety, I want my day to discuss them. And to make sure he understands how I'd like to be treated differently beyond having a sober husband. Thank goodness for the small support circle of friends, dogs and therapist who have been rocks of support and allowed me to not be strong along the way.
I hope he takes me up on the opportunity to see me not be strong for a moment.
I love your profile picture, Anne with an “e.” ❤️
Thank you, she gives me strength ❤️
You are so right Michelle Anderson. This article helps me on a very personal level. Very much relatable. Some people think just because we show a strong forefront, we are okay and handling things well and don't need to be checked on. Sometimes it seems like Its more about the other party involved and how much they are hurting. My daughter and the ones closest to me know better and can tell when I am hurting, and my closest friends. It's a great reminder that it's okay to not be okay. I love how you said sometimes we have to fall apart to become whole again. Reminds me of the scripture, come unto me all who are burdened and heavy laden and I will give you rest. God don't expect us to handle everything on our own like life does not affect us emotionally. We lay it at his feet and if we have to do it every day all day if that's what it takes and that is okay because he is longsuffering with us and he truly cares about each of our hearts being mended back together. We just have to look in the right areas for that healing to come over time.
My husband did the same. On a vacation he didn’t drink at all but Sunday night when we get home he drinks. He can only go so long without.
I am trying to do the “ say nothing to him bc I can’t change him and only focus on me” approach. It’s hard and I feel like I’m giving him a free pass to drink every night. I hope he wakes up one day and says he’s going to go to AA (I’ve asked for him to do that since he got out of rehab on June 30tb.
Alcoholism gives no one a free pass. It will eventually destroy its victim one way or another.
Teri, I feel the same way...but have been trying to stay quiet and focus on myself and keeping boundaries and space. My husband "tries" for about 3 days and then its bad that 4th day when he "makes up" for the dry days. Apologizes in the morning. Thats usually when I try my compassion (after a sleepless night) and let him know its' unacceptable.
DeAnne, thanks for the comment. It’s to hard. I get so grouchy and irritated over nothing and he doesn’t understand why I’m acting like that. He has to know that I’m so unhappy bc he drinks which is getting back to 4-5 times a week, unless we have an activity or company etc.
He also procrastinates on everything and does things so “half ass” that I get to frustrated. I’m super busy with my job and he has all the time in the world but I still have to do everything. I know Heather says to stop doing more than our share but things need to get done.
I run a small business and he’s doing my bookkeeping but again doing a terrible job because he’s doing the minimal effort. I just hired a bookkeeper which is a big step for me.
I am sorry to hear your similar story.
I found this very reassuring..
Judy, that is my same story. It’s so hard. I’ve temporarily decided to totally detach and only focus on me and who cares if he drinks. I told him I’m no longer going to care if he drinks and I’m going to pour all the energy into me and take better care of myself. It feels good. One day when I’m not so busy with my work I may have him leave but I can’t deal with that right now so I am just being a roommate that doesn’t care. My three kids are older and they don’t see it so much bc they are living away from us which is good
I'm reading me in your writing here. Why is they can be so close to normal on vacation and back home - pattern exactly like you say? Frustrating to say the least. I like the bringing attention to the good man you saw.
I think there’s a place for pointing out the good you were reminded of. I’ve been using the term ‘partners’ and it seems to resonate for my husband. It’s not me trying to ‘control’ him as he often perceives me...but wanting the best parts of him back. So... guess what I’m saying Judy is not keeping quiet exactly, but maybe changing the conversation a little, so he hears what he’s capable of being. Not that we can make them do anything they don’t want to do…!