My ex partner, who is the father of my kids, and I separated five years ago. Since then I have been raising our two young children alone. He has gone through two live-in relationships that both crumbled because of his substance use disorder. He is now homeless And has almost died on a few occasions. I gave him a place to live for two months earlier this year while he tried to find a job and get back on his feet, mind you still fighting getting treatment or any help for his disease. While I never wanted to get back together with him , I am mad at myself for helping someone that I removed from my life a long time ago for the very reasons that still exist. I told myself I was helping him so the kids didn’t lose their father, but in the end, all I really did was enable the continuing behavior. For all of those out there suffering from codependency and the continuous need to feel like you have to rescue them, I see you and I am sending you so many hugs and prayers. It is exhausting both mentally and physically to watch someone destroy their lives, and feel so incredibly helpless.
My husbands favorite words, “let go of the past and stop talking about it” 10 minutes after he did something cruel or messed up. Recently my mom sent me a text that her and my dad are going to come stay in my house and that I need to take the kids and myself to my friends house to stay while they are here. No request. No discussion. Nothing. Just entitlement. I told them I am not leaving my house and they asked me, “what are you trying to pull?!” I can’t believe I grew up like this. But it makes sense why I married into it. Self work self work self work! It’s not my prison, it’s theirs!
A favorite play! "Why can't you let this go? How are going to move forward if you keep looking at the past? I'm not doing that any more, can't you be proud of me? What's wrong with you?"
Ugh. You hang in there! None of this is your fault, no matter what level of "codepency" you have exhibited in the whole situation.
I am still on the struggle bus, but have no one to blame but myself. I have all the tools but still don’t choose to set boundaries, and then wonder why I’m mentally exhausted all the time. Thank you for the reminder Michelle! ♥️
Sandi, this morning I wrote in my journal "start again. Each day start again. No need to mourn - I will just start again." Maybe that's helpful. I believe in you.
My husband who would have been 5 months sober on the 27th. Relapsed on Thursday. He got his 2nd Dui, wrecked our car, I use all the time, all before a trip we were supposed to take together.
This is the 3rd vehicle he has wrecked in our 8yr relationship.
I am torn on what I should do. Part of me wants to leave, but a small part wants to give that last chance. But he has had enough chances to me.
Husband gets no more chances with YOUR vehicles, for sure. It is okay and wise to no longer allow him to drive any car you use and are responsible for. He will get mad, but that’s okay. Maybe experiencing some natural consequences of drunk driving like this will make him mad enough to figure out how to get help for himself.
You don’t have to leave to regain your sanity and your power. Some have to leave and get far away — it’s that bad — but if you aren’t ready to leave, there are still many options open to you. Read the Getting Them Sober series by Toby Rice Drews. Those continue to help me keep myself on track. Also get hold of some AlAnon books like “How AlAnon Works” and “One Day at a Time.”
My husband is an alcoholic. We are making a big change right now and I am moving into a one bedroom with my daughter. We agreed we need space. His biggest issue with me is that I do not allow him to make decisions or be a step father. Although he knows my lack of trust comes from his relapses, I made the choice to separate my codependent ways from his alcoholism. It hurts everyday, and I am scared for the unknown future.
Current book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Struggling , struggling..Husband tried to start three arguments with me yesterday and said I was imprisoning him/emasculating him, etc. I admit I got sucked into it a bit, but then went into another room to read a book. Later he "Atttended an AA meeting "and came back in worse shape than when he left. I suspected that would happen so instead of worrying, I worked on a home project. Later he "needed to get groceries" so instead of worrying I took a bath, played music and sang loudly. I am trying, but it is relentless sometimes... This is his second bender after being in the hospital for ascites and bleedin g varices. I realize I care more about his mortality than he does. I bought a breathing device that attaches to his key ring and measures his level of sobriety. I left if for him in his dresser with a note that says now he is in control of his own driving. Not sure if that is enabling or not..it gets muddled sometimes and I am SO tired.
That's smart. Give him the choice about driving under the influence.
So tired, I know. It is wearying and so crushing. I always felt my husband was stealing my life, my dreams. I hated that my choices were to let go of that dream or stay in a miserable situation. When I finally realized that no matter what I did to "help" my husband, I had no control of his choices. The day I left, I started planning a new life and a new dream. It felt so liberating.
I’m in my second marriage - this time not with someone who is an alcoholic, but at least can abuse alcohol on a frequent basis. Your comment, Michelle, did hit home about dealing with someone who does not like when you show strength as a woman. That’s why I’m not waiting so long this time to leave this relationship. Your wisdom helps me even now as I’m in much different circumstances. Thank you!
You probably don't even realise how much your words meant to me when I was really struggling. I will always be very grateful for finding your podcasts when I felt completely lost and depressed. God bless you for all the good things you are doing, Michelle.
So true: “They wanted me to stay a doormat. They needed me to go along with everything they did or said and not rock the boat. I knew they wanted me to stay small and polite.”
This is so hard for me. I am a caretaker not only for him but my elderly parents. Evertime I try to leave something happens and I feel like I have to help him. This time I went to my mom's for a few days and he ended up in the ER over 3 hours away. He is home now so stupid me goes back to help him recuperate. It's sad and makes my heart hurt that he doesn't want to live, that so many alcoholics don't want to live. I know in my head I need to leave him be but my heart just won't let me.
It’s the “cycle” that needs broken. When you see that only you can break the cycle-you will. I know it won’t be easy. It will hurt. You’ll feel quirky BUT there’s no other way. I’m in the thick of it too. But he’s not going to change and I don’t want to stay like this. So- I have to be the change
This💔 It feels like such a fine line the codependency boundary at times. How to not enable, but yet not struggling with my own guilt if I don’t do anything. My ex husband called me yesterday saying he was drunk and driving and it was midafternoon. I immediately call his father, whom is in law enforcement, for help. It was in an impulsive reaction and a moment of feeling desperate, because they have never really helped out when I have asked anyways. He responds with disbelief feeling his son has been doing so well (he always is under that impression and I don’t know how when his son lives on his property). My ex calls me enraged. His father calls me back saying his son isn’t drunk. My ex calls again and begins expressing all the hurt he holds, how he hates himself and can’t take being on this earth anymore. He’s had 3 suicidal attempts (2 within the last year). I just begin bawling. I convince him to meet me to walk and talk. Continue to express how he holds value. He does this when I attempt to create more distance. I’ve tried for almost 6 years to love the parts of himself he hates, but I know it’s unsuccessful. It can’t come from me. Only from him. I’m so tired. He is so tired. And I just continue to pray he will pull through. He came to our daughter’s game last night thankfully. I feel completely incapable of not “rescuing” in those moments. I don’t know how to function any other way. He’s a human being and one that’s important to me. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated. Sending our community love🤍
It’s so hard not to rescue when we share kids, or property, or finances. Are you just going to let his disease bankrupt you?? The answer is no, bc you’re going to take steps to claim your own finances, and emotionally detach, and protect your kids from the monster that is his disease. We all have choices and we must make them, or else the disease will make them for us. Take care of yourself ❤️
It's such a hard journey, and we're all at different places in it. But you have to do the work, and believe me, it's HARD! Denying your innate need to help others is really tough. But unless you do the work, set and honor boundaries, and protect yourself first, you won't be able to get there. And we all relapse - I struggled hard to stop counting beer cans or driving past his favorite watering hole looking for his car.
A friend and recovering alcoholic told me this: "He's a predator, and he'll prey on people like you. People who want to help." These words stuck with me, and when I feel myself being sucked into the alcoholic's BS, I recite these words to myself. It helps.
Wow- powerful and an ah ha moment. I attracted those who needed me to be self deprecating. All true. And all true in that my husband and I never respected each other’s boundaries. Heck- I don’t think we had any until lately. So much I wish I knew 35 plus years ago.
My ex partner, who is the father of my kids, and I separated five years ago. Since then I have been raising our two young children alone. He has gone through two live-in relationships that both crumbled because of his substance use disorder. He is now homeless And has almost died on a few occasions. I gave him a place to live for two months earlier this year while he tried to find a job and get back on his feet, mind you still fighting getting treatment or any help for his disease. While I never wanted to get back together with him , I am mad at myself for helping someone that I removed from my life a long time ago for the very reasons that still exist. I told myself I was helping him so the kids didn’t lose their father, but in the end, all I really did was enable the continuing behavior. For all of those out there suffering from codependency and the continuous need to feel like you have to rescue them, I see you and I am sending you so many hugs and prayers. It is exhausting both mentally and physically to watch someone destroy their lives, and feel so incredibly helpless.
Angela - your heart is so kind. And your boundaries are now stronger.
My husbands favorite words, “let go of the past and stop talking about it” 10 minutes after he did something cruel or messed up. Recently my mom sent me a text that her and my dad are going to come stay in my house and that I need to take the kids and myself to my friends house to stay while they are here. No request. No discussion. Nothing. Just entitlement. I told them I am not leaving my house and they asked me, “what are you trying to pull?!” I can’t believe I grew up like this. But it makes sense why I married into it. Self work self work self work! It’s not my prison, it’s theirs!
A favorite play! "Why can't you let this go? How are going to move forward if you keep looking at the past? I'm not doing that any more, can't you be proud of me? What's wrong with you?"
Ugh. You hang in there! None of this is your fault, no matter what level of "codepency" you have exhibited in the whole situation.
I am still on the struggle bus, but have no one to blame but myself. I have all the tools but still don’t choose to set boundaries, and then wonder why I’m mentally exhausted all the time. Thank you for the reminder Michelle! ♥️
Sandi, this morning I wrote in my journal "start again. Each day start again. No need to mourn - I will just start again." Maybe that's helpful. I believe in you.
Im on the same bus
My husband who would have been 5 months sober on the 27th. Relapsed on Thursday. He got his 2nd Dui, wrecked our car, I use all the time, all before a trip we were supposed to take together.
This is the 3rd vehicle he has wrecked in our 8yr relationship.
I am torn on what I should do. Part of me wants to leave, but a small part wants to give that last chance. But he has had enough chances to me.
Husband gets no more chances with YOUR vehicles, for sure. It is okay and wise to no longer allow him to drive any car you use and are responsible for. He will get mad, but that’s okay. Maybe experiencing some natural consequences of drunk driving like this will make him mad enough to figure out how to get help for himself.
You don’t have to leave to regain your sanity and your power. Some have to leave and get far away — it’s that bad — but if you aren’t ready to leave, there are still many options open to you. Read the Getting Them Sober series by Toby Rice Drews. Those continue to help me keep myself on track. Also get hold of some AlAnon books like “How AlAnon Works” and “One Day at a Time.”
Oh this is so hard :( Sending you big hugs❤️
My husband is an alcoholic. We are making a big change right now and I am moving into a one bedroom with my daughter. We agreed we need space. His biggest issue with me is that I do not allow him to make decisions or be a step father. Although he knows my lack of trust comes from his relapses, I made the choice to separate my codependent ways from his alcoholism. It hurts everyday, and I am scared for the unknown future.
Current book: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
It’s the best book ever and opened my eyes so much!
Struggling , struggling..Husband tried to start three arguments with me yesterday and said I was imprisoning him/emasculating him, etc. I admit I got sucked into it a bit, but then went into another room to read a book. Later he "Atttended an AA meeting "and came back in worse shape than when he left. I suspected that would happen so instead of worrying, I worked on a home project. Later he "needed to get groceries" so instead of worrying I took a bath, played music and sang loudly. I am trying, but it is relentless sometimes... This is his second bender after being in the hospital for ascites and bleedin g varices. I realize I care more about his mortality than he does. I bought a breathing device that attaches to his key ring and measures his level of sobriety. I left if for him in his dresser with a note that says now he is in control of his own driving. Not sure if that is enabling or not..it gets muddled sometimes and I am SO tired.
That's smart. Give him the choice about driving under the influence.
So tired, I know. It is wearying and so crushing. I always felt my husband was stealing my life, my dreams. I hated that my choices were to let go of that dream or stay in a miserable situation. When I finally realized that no matter what I did to "help" my husband, I had no control of his choices. The day I left, I started planning a new life and a new dream. It felt so liberating.
I’m in my second marriage - this time not with someone who is an alcoholic, but at least can abuse alcohol on a frequent basis. Your comment, Michelle, did hit home about dealing with someone who does not like when you show strength as a woman. That’s why I’m not waiting so long this time to leave this relationship. Your wisdom helps me even now as I’m in much different circumstances. Thank you!
What a strong woman you are. Proud of you.
This is so true.
Michelle, thank you for your wise words. I have changed a lot but I still need these reminders ❤️
Joanna, you are so welcome. I need reminders too:)
You probably don't even realise how much your words meant to me when I was really struggling. I will always be very grateful for finding your podcasts when I felt completely lost and depressed. God bless you for all the good things you are doing, Michelle.
So true: “They wanted me to stay a doormat. They needed me to go along with everything they did or said and not rock the boat. I knew they wanted me to stay small and polite.”
This is so hard for me. I am a caretaker not only for him but my elderly parents. Evertime I try to leave something happens and I feel like I have to help him. This time I went to my mom's for a few days and he ended up in the ER over 3 hours away. He is home now so stupid me goes back to help him recuperate. It's sad and makes my heart hurt that he doesn't want to live, that so many alcoholics don't want to live. I know in my head I need to leave him be but my heart just won't let me.
It’s the “cycle” that needs broken. When you see that only you can break the cycle-you will. I know it won’t be easy. It will hurt. You’ll feel quirky BUT there’s no other way. I’m in the thick of it too. But he’s not going to change and I don’t want to stay like this. So- I have to be the change
This💔 It feels like such a fine line the codependency boundary at times. How to not enable, but yet not struggling with my own guilt if I don’t do anything. My ex husband called me yesterday saying he was drunk and driving and it was midafternoon. I immediately call his father, whom is in law enforcement, for help. It was in an impulsive reaction and a moment of feeling desperate, because they have never really helped out when I have asked anyways. He responds with disbelief feeling his son has been doing so well (he always is under that impression and I don’t know how when his son lives on his property). My ex calls me enraged. His father calls me back saying his son isn’t drunk. My ex calls again and begins expressing all the hurt he holds, how he hates himself and can’t take being on this earth anymore. He’s had 3 suicidal attempts (2 within the last year). I just begin bawling. I convince him to meet me to walk and talk. Continue to express how he holds value. He does this when I attempt to create more distance. I’ve tried for almost 6 years to love the parts of himself he hates, but I know it’s unsuccessful. It can’t come from me. Only from him. I’m so tired. He is so tired. And I just continue to pray he will pull through. He came to our daughter’s game last night thankfully. I feel completely incapable of not “rescuing” in those moments. I don’t know how to function any other way. He’s a human being and one that’s important to me. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated. Sending our community love🤍
It’s so hard not to rescue when we share kids, or property, or finances. Are you just going to let his disease bankrupt you?? The answer is no, bc you’re going to take steps to claim your own finances, and emotionally detach, and protect your kids from the monster that is his disease. We all have choices and we must make them, or else the disease will make them for us. Take care of yourself ❤️
Oh, yikes, the inlaws. Me, too. Ignore them; it is no wonder people develop addiction when they've been raised to believe nothing is their fault.
It's such a hard journey, and we're all at different places in it. But you have to do the work, and believe me, it's HARD! Denying your innate need to help others is really tough. But unless you do the work, set and honor boundaries, and protect yourself first, you won't be able to get there. And we all relapse - I struggled hard to stop counting beer cans or driving past his favorite watering hole looking for his car.
A friend and recovering alcoholic told me this: "He's a predator, and he'll prey on people like you. People who want to help." These words stuck with me, and when I feel myself being sucked into the alcoholic's BS, I recite these words to myself. It helps.
Stop talking about my addiction he says. Seperate that from the relationship he says!! What relationship? He’s having a relationship with his DOC
Wow- powerful and an ah ha moment. I attracted those who needed me to be self deprecating. All true. And all true in that my husband and I never respected each other’s boundaries. Heck- I don’t think we had any until lately. So much I wish I knew 35 plus years ago.