If We Struggle With Codependency
Change is necessary if we want to move forward. Some of us enjoy changing, and others will avoid making the changes we know we need to because we're scared (I am raising my own hand).
Change is uncomfortable, and staying stuck in our misery sometimes feels easier - even though it's not always what's best.
If we want to live our best life, we must follow the path of change. Waiting until we are no longer afraid is not an option. Fear will always be present when we are moving forward.
People will strongly react to our newfound courage when we insist on what is best for ourselves and our families.
If you struggle with codependency like I do, you might have noticed that your codependent and people-pleasing nature attracts people who need you to be self-deprecating. You may attract those who take from you rather than give. These "friends and family" may expect you to prioritize their needs over your own self-care.
When I started to exercise my own courage and become my biggest advocate - people who were in the habit of taking rather than giving did not welcome the change. They wanted me to stay a doormat. They needed me to go along with everything they did or said and not rock the boat. I knew they wanted me to stay small and polite.
Every time I stepped towards empowerment and respect for my values, I could tell who was toxic for me and who wasn't. And I was shocked at the amount of people who did not support my newfound courage.
When I finally mastered the skill of standing up for myself, I lost many of my friends and some family members. But they were relationships that were not good for me anyway. Was it painful? Yes, of course. But toxic relationships are like weights on your ankles in an ocean when you're treading water. Cut them off, and you will be able to swim freely.
Addiction thrives in a relationship when neither partner respects their own boundaries and values. If we are in a relationship with someone who has become addicted, we can exercise our own autonomy and empowerment by refusing to play the role of giver and caretaker.
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Do you have anyone in your life who makes you feel guilty or "wrong" when you try to exercise your individuality or strength as a woman? I would love to hear from you.
My ex partner, who is the father of my kids, and I separated five years ago. Since then I have been raising our two young children alone. He has gone through two live-in relationships that both crumbled because of his substance use disorder. He is now homeless And has almost died on a few occasions. I gave him a place to live for two months earlier this year while he tried to find a job and get back on his feet, mind you still fighting getting treatment or any help for his disease. While I never wanted to get back together with him , I am mad at myself for helping someone that I removed from my life a long time ago for the very reasons that still exist. I told myself I was helping him so the kids didn’t lose their father, but in the end, all I really did was enable the continuing behavior. For all of those out there suffering from codependency and the continuous need to feel like you have to rescue them, I see you and I am sending you so many hugs and prayers. It is exhausting both mentally and physically to watch someone destroy their lives, and feel so incredibly helpless.
My husbands favorite words, “let go of the past and stop talking about it” 10 minutes after he did something cruel or messed up. Recently my mom sent me a text that her and my dad are going to come stay in my house and that I need to take the kids and myself to my friends house to stay while they are here. No request. No discussion. Nothing. Just entitlement. I told them I am not leaving my house and they asked me, “what are you trying to pull?!” I can’t believe I grew up like this. But it makes sense why I married into it. Self work self work self work! It’s not my prison, it’s theirs!