This post resonates so much with me. Two days after I discovered yet again that my HFAH was secretly drinking and pretending to be sober for more than a year, I developed chest pain and shortness of breath. I went to the ER and was diagnosed with 5 blood clots in my lungs. I thought to myself, if I stay, the stress and anxiety of this will eventually kill me. It took almost a year to come to terms with this, but we then separated and I’m now happily divorced. I can’t say whether or not the discovery of his secret drinking was a cause of the blood clots or if it was a sign from God or merely coincidence, but I recognized then the impact of his drinking on my well-being, and I knew I couldn’t stay any longer.
Thank you, Michelle for your encouraging words. I found your podcast on a very dark day last year. It was after a particularly abusive night fueled by drinking. My partner becomes psychotic, belligerent, and even threatens suicide after drinking heavily. I’m currently experiencing this even though there are times of respite. I find myself constantly worrying about the next time it will happen. I feel traumatized and stuck in a freeze mode ever since the last episode about a month ago. I don’t have any family and I’ve isolated from my friends. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lost. Sorry for this sad comment, but thank you again for making me feel little less alone.
You never have to apologize for a sad post. You and your feelings are always welcome here. Here's a resource I found very helpful when I was in a similar situation: https://www.thehotline.org/. I had no idea I was being abused in so many ways until I learned all the different forms of abuse.
Hi JMS. I can only say hand on heart myself and I am sure that the rest of us feel your pain and you are not alone . You must remember that . Find Time for yourself even if it is a few mili seconds .. read through life”s experiences such as Michelle’s- it has pulled me through a lot .. I read , I felt and i learnt to build my strength through life’s hardships and peoples experiences ( No offence to any one 🙏). I accepted that this disease is NOT stronger than me and my well-being . You are a far much better and stronger person than you think and you are NOT Alone ... stay strong and stay blessed ..... Find Peace and Solace in what you love doing the most and you can overcome the effects of this disease ... called addiction!!! . Stay Blessed . 🙏🙏.
My husband was the same. Alcohol turns him into a monster with his words. At first I kept reminding myself it wasn’t him talking it was the alcohol; but after a while it would just get more intense. He too would say things about not wanting to be in this world anymore and he didn’t want to be alive. I finally got the courage to leave only 2 months ago. I am finally feeling ok. I pray for your courage as well, to be able to stay strong and hope things work out for you.
JMS, I’m so sorry you’re sad. I know this feeling well. All of my relationships have changed due to my staying with my HFAH. I also get that “freeze” mode. I am just beginning to reconnect with a couple of friends. However, my best friendship is a new one. I started our relationship with a friendship boundary: I’m in a marriage that you will object to...but I’m working on it. I’m (at this point) staying and you will need to accept me in this role-as is. Until and if it changes. My friend accepted this. I hope it stays that way. Sorry for the rambling about me...just to get to the point that you need Other people. We can’t survive without them. Maybe a goal for yourself could be to reach out even if you don’t feel like it or take a chance on a new friend. If reading Michelle makes you feel better, an in-person friend can also work wonders. You can’t control what he does but you can control what you do and what you become. Don’t allow isolation. Fight isolation. Until then, you have non-judgmental friends here who are cheering for you in every way. Take care of you 💜
You are incredible. Thank you for shining your light for others to see! Your “love over addiction” emails changed my life and gave me the courage to choose myself. I learned to stop worrying about how others felt about what I needed to do to take care of ME first! Thank you Michelle! Love you girl!🩷🙌🏼
I stopped enabling and guess what happened? He had to look at HIMSELF! He decided to choose sobriety! Taking it one day at a time and continuing to choose myself first…ALWAYS! Lesson learned😇
Wow, checking all the boxes. It is only after he went to jail recently (3 Dui’s within 10 years) that I am now forced to really rely and survive on my own. It was kinda like electric shock treatment, all the things I would ordinary be doing/ feeling/ analyzing about him/ us, we’re all gone at once. A true reality check! The sun is coming out and I am starting to regain my sense of self. I kinda like me! 🤦🏻♀️💓
Nov 21, 2023·edited Nov 21, 2023Liked by Michelle Anderson
Hi Michelle.
Thank you for your inspirational insights . In my case i am a Man - victim of first and only loved ex wife’s alcohol addiction and to add to that a victim of parent alienation . Left it all behind after 30 years of pain as well as loosing my kids to alienation so the repercussions of this disease go far and beyond one’s imagination. But your Blogs and transcripts keep me motivated . Thank you .
This email spoke volumes to me this morning and is EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. In the shower this morning after a hard workout I thought, "Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like." It's funny that after the surge of endorphins and hormones started to come back down, my reality set back in and my mind was consumed again by what I'm living with. It's consuming my every thought at every moment of the day...even though he's been away hunting for over a week and was sober when he left. He tells me that I always go to the most negative way of thinking, which is true now, but I wasn't like this when we first started dating. I've been TRANSFORMED to have a doomsday battle going on in my mind at all times now because I never know when the other shoe is going to drop. I desperately want to find my way back to myself because I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread right now. Thank you for these emails because they make me realize that maybe I'm not entirely crazy yet. I'm so grateful.
I am very grateful for your writing. I left my husband 2 months ago and am finally feeling like myself again. His addiction to alcohol had killed us and drained every bit of me, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It was an extremely painful decision but one I knew I had to make. Each time he becomes sober for a few days, he calls and begs me to come home. I just can’t. Thank you again for your encouraging words. It’s good to know I am not alone.
Your story is so much like mine. I left my AH 3 months ago and it has been the best 3 months I have had in years. I finally feel peace. He reached out and asked me to be patient (after years of me begging him to stop drinking). He is a secret vodka drinker who lied and made me think I was crazy. I told him I will never put myself in that position again.
Hi Kelly, i hope youre doing well. i just now saw what you wrote. Mine to was a “secret” vodka drinker, thinking no one could tell. His drinking turned him into a verbal monster. There was never any physical abuse, but sometimes i would have rather been hit with a fist then to hear the ugly words he spoke. I am staying with a friend for now, but have plans to move out of state to be closer to my children and grandchildren. His story to all of his “friends” is that i suddenly decided to leave because I missed my children. In other words, I am the bad guy who has left him for no reason. I too, have been able to carry on with my life the best i can, and am finally stress free and can laugh again. He still emails and text sometimes, depending on his mood. I dont respond most of the time, especially if the words are negative.
I hope you’re still doing well and I apologize for just now acknowledging your post.
Thank you for this . My current husband went out with his friend to the bar to meet one of his friends. I watched my daughter and his friend’s daughter. They of course came back 3 1/2 hours instead of 2 hours and he hung out in the garage for another hour and a half and then came in the house. The night before thanksgiving that we are hosting. And I hate myself for saying anything because I know it doesn’t matter to him.
After over 17 years of being with an addict (the last 7 being the worst), our divorce is final in a week. I don't know why I took so long...perhaps fear, perhaps thinking he would love me ( and eventually our child) enough to quit...but the day never arrived. I have solemnly accepted that he chose pot over me, but I still struggle with him choosing it over his child. Nothing about addiction is happy or good...even when we tell ourselves "at least he is OK when he is high, not in a rage ..." It's that lie we tell ourselves that can be even more harmful psychologically (at least for me). I am praying for all of us on here that are dealing with or have dealt with this for years...we are enough, and we are worthy of love without the pain of loving an addict whom doesn't love themselves. Know that!!
My husband is addicted to pot. About 9 years now. We have two kids (8 and 5). I'm at the breaking point. I don't know why I still hold on. Do you have full custody of your child? (The pot withdrawls/rage is so scary).
You do it for the same reason I did...*maybe he will quit and we can be the family we were meant to be* does that sound like you? That was me for 6+years. I do have full custody, thankfully. He didn't fight me either. He knows I am the only one that can properly care for our child...so, if you feel like that isn't your situation...start gathering evidence for a divorce. Pictures, video (if you can safely record), keep a trail...log everything! My ex knows I did and could have used it against him. Thank you for commenting. I absolutely understand where you are right now! You can do this! Please know you are not alone.
wow wow wow. So resonating....even after being separated from my AH for over three years. I found Michelle in the middle of the worst days... I was definitely fading away. I see it now when I look back at photos. But I was holding on for my young kids...now, ironically, I'm seeing the results of that 'hanging on' in their young adult lives... The struggle continues, but now my priorities are right.
I’ve only been in any relationship for 6 months but my fella is an alcoholic-he’s as of today 4 days sober and seems he himself again that man I fell in love with. I don’t have the longevity in the relationship that most have but it’s still hurts like hell. The guild to have of “it being my fault” “could I have been a better girlfriend” “why can’t if fix him or help him” is so heartbreaking.
This post confirms I made the best decision when I left my AH in August. I had lost myself. I was so sad, so hopeless, and so very angry. I cannot thank you enough for the encouraging words I listened to on my morning runs during the summer listening to your podcast. I al soooo grateful to have found your podcast and understand I was not alone or crazy (like my AH wanted me to believe). One night I asked him if he would please stop drinking (he drank vodka that he hid around the house). He told me he would stop drinking when I got medicated for my anxiety. He proceeded to tell me my entire family thought I was crazy. It nearly broke my heart to hear that. I later learned it was just another one of his lies. Please stay strong and believe you deserve a happier life! I talked to a counselor who told me I was in the middle of a storm but she knew when I came out on the other side, I was going to be much happier. She was so right. I am much happier but I went through a grieving process to get where I am today. Michele’s podcasts were a huge part of my making it through the storm.
Kelly, my husband also hiding his vodka drinking. Had me thinking I was crazy too--totally gaslighting me and admitted to as much last January. I feel like I could write a book about the last several years but it's getting worse not better. I wish I could hate him--it would make this so much easier. Why do I keep putting up with this? I started seeing a therapist and after just two visits I'm thinking about the possibility of leaving. I'm 60yo and have to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next shoe to drop or to see him finally start doing the hard work of getting sober.
I am 59.... I started counseling after my husband got so drunk he fell down and peed his pants when we had 7 of our friends staying at our house from out of town. Nobody even saw him drinking. He had to be carried to bed. I thought he finally hit rock bottom. Nope.. 2 weeks later he got a DUI at 7:00 pm on a Monday. And he didn’t call me to tell me, I had to call the police when he never came home. That was the day I was done.
Nay, you deserve someone who is NOT an addict. I had some time of heavy drinking during my current relationship. My aging mother needed my help but i was living w a pain pill addict and couldn’t cope with both. I eventually put the gin down but can i say my life was spiraling downward. Hoping you can avoid too much drinking if you are and find men that are more in control of themselves.
I really appreciate your kind words. Drinking to cope has not been on the table for me. I made a decision to channel my hurt into healthy activities. I’ve been focusing on healthy eating and exercise. Trying to rebuild myself!
Same here- healthier in 2024- you know lol afraid i read your post wrong- thought it said you were proposed to 5x by 5 different alcoholics. So VERY sorry. Happy 2024
I’ve been with my partner nearly 10 years, I have 3 kids (not his). First 3 years of our relationship I knew he was a recovering alcoholic (didn’t really know much then because it had never become an issue other than there was never any commitment) I was late thirties at the time with 3 young kids - then found out he was drinking, cheating etc this went on for a couple of years before I finally said enough - then a few months later he was admitted to hospital - ascities, liver failure, severe jaundice, bled out from varicies while I visited (most horrific time of my life). Been sober as far as I know for 4 years with regular liver scans because of cirrhosis, benign tumour, ensuring his varicies that were tied are ok and lots of body ailments - love him to bits but his mental health is horrendous- he doesn’t seek help and pushes everyone away when he’s going through a bad spell (I don’t live with him because of all this) - I love him but feel so tied - my dreams of romance and passion are gone and I’m only 46 xxxxxx
Logically we know that it isn’t true! It’s not your fault. Plus you’ve probably done all you could to be supportive of their sobriety. I’ve been accused of making him “Want to cheat” because I’ve expressed apprehension about him going out all night drinking heavily (specifically without me).
Thank you for your comment -and like you say it’s not our fault but why do we take their negative actions personally as they know we are the ones fighting their corner xxxxxx but we still think we are not enough xxxxx
Michelle, you radically changed my life. My “moment” was when my brother, with whom I’ve always been extremely close, got mad at me and barked, “You used to be fun!” That’s when I realized that I had truly lost myself. It’s such a hard road but it’s so worth it. It’s tremendously difficult to separate yourself from your spouse and focus solely on yourself. Recognizing the gaslighting and accepting that HE’s the liar - not me - made me less ashamed of myself. Not fighting with the alcoholic was one of my first and most important steps, followed by my relaxing the obsession with counting beer cans and searching out his hiding places. My head still wants to take me there sometimes, but I remind myself how much healthier (and fun) I am now than I was before finding LOA. I’m so thankful for you and this community. 💕
This post resonates so much with me. Two days after I discovered yet again that my HFAH was secretly drinking and pretending to be sober for more than a year, I developed chest pain and shortness of breath. I went to the ER and was diagnosed with 5 blood clots in my lungs. I thought to myself, if I stay, the stress and anxiety of this will eventually kill me. It took almost a year to come to terms with this, but we then separated and I’m now happily divorced. I can’t say whether or not the discovery of his secret drinking was a cause of the blood clots or if it was a sign from God or merely coincidence, but I recognized then the impact of his drinking on my well-being, and I knew I couldn’t stay any longer.
Karen, I am so proud of you and so grateful you shared this.
I am so glad you are ok now, I’ve had chest pains a year, was told just stress, from a broken heart.
I am so proud of you girl🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
Thank you, Michelle for your encouraging words. I found your podcast on a very dark day last year. It was after a particularly abusive night fueled by drinking. My partner becomes psychotic, belligerent, and even threatens suicide after drinking heavily. I’m currently experiencing this even though there are times of respite. I find myself constantly worrying about the next time it will happen. I feel traumatized and stuck in a freeze mode ever since the last episode about a month ago. I don’t have any family and I’ve isolated from my friends. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lost. Sorry for this sad comment, but thank you again for making me feel little less alone.
You never have to apologize for a sad post. You and your feelings are always welcome here. Here's a resource I found very helpful when I was in a similar situation: https://www.thehotline.org/. I had no idea I was being abused in so many ways until I learned all the different forms of abuse.
Wow! I had NO idea how many groups and shelters are available these days for domestic abuse victims + their children.
Thank you❤️
Hi JMS. I can only say hand on heart myself and I am sure that the rest of us feel your pain and you are not alone . You must remember that . Find Time for yourself even if it is a few mili seconds .. read through life”s experiences such as Michelle’s- it has pulled me through a lot .. I read , I felt and i learnt to build my strength through life’s hardships and peoples experiences ( No offence to any one 🙏). I accepted that this disease is NOT stronger than me and my well-being . You are a far much better and stronger person than you think and you are NOT Alone ... stay strong and stay blessed ..... Find Peace and Solace in what you love doing the most and you can overcome the effects of this disease ... called addiction!!! . Stay Blessed . 🙏🙏.
My husband was the same. Alcohol turns him into a monster with his words. At first I kept reminding myself it wasn’t him talking it was the alcohol; but after a while it would just get more intense. He too would say things about not wanting to be in this world anymore and he didn’t want to be alive. I finally got the courage to leave only 2 months ago. I am finally feeling ok. I pray for your courage as well, to be able to stay strong and hope things work out for you.
JMS, I’m so sorry you’re sad. I know this feeling well. All of my relationships have changed due to my staying with my HFAH. I also get that “freeze” mode. I am just beginning to reconnect with a couple of friends. However, my best friendship is a new one. I started our relationship with a friendship boundary: I’m in a marriage that you will object to...but I’m working on it. I’m (at this point) staying and you will need to accept me in this role-as is. Until and if it changes. My friend accepted this. I hope it stays that way. Sorry for the rambling about me...just to get to the point that you need Other people. We can’t survive without them. Maybe a goal for yourself could be to reach out even if you don’t feel like it or take a chance on a new friend. If reading Michelle makes you feel better, an in-person friend can also work wonders. You can’t control what he does but you can control what you do and what you become. Don’t allow isolation. Fight isolation. Until then, you have non-judgmental friends here who are cheering for you in every way. Take care of you 💜
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
You are incredible. Thank you for shining your light for others to see! Your “love over addiction” emails changed my life and gave me the courage to choose myself. I learned to stop worrying about how others felt about what I needed to do to take care of ME first! Thank you Michelle! Love you girl!🩷🙌🏼
LIsa, this makes me so happy.
I stopped enabling and guess what happened? He had to look at HIMSELF! He decided to choose sobriety! Taking it one day at a time and continuing to choose myself first…ALWAYS! Lesson learned😇
Hi! Love this so much for you :) May I ask what some of the things you stopped, that were enabling?
Not so much what I stopped doing as what I BEGAN TO DO for MYSELF not him! :)
1. Put God first and ask God for help (not him)
2. Put MYSELF first (not him)
3. Seek support from those who understand (not him) - I went to Al-anon and would only talk to that group about what was going on with me
4. Learned to “detach with love”
5. Accepted the facts of WHAT IS (I love him, he’s sick, I didn’t cause alcoholism, can’t cure it and can’t control it)
6. LOTS MORE!
HUGS!🩷
I’d love to hear more about this positive story! What did you stop doing exactly? What steps did he take? I hope all is still going well x
Sorry I can see you’ve answered some of this already 🙏
Wow, checking all the boxes. It is only after he went to jail recently (3 Dui’s within 10 years) that I am now forced to really rely and survive on my own. It was kinda like electric shock treatment, all the things I would ordinary be doing/ feeling/ analyzing about him/ us, we’re all gone at once. A true reality check! The sun is coming out and I am starting to regain my sense of self. I kinda like me! 🤦🏻♀️💓
Sherry!! ☀️ ⛅️ 😍
Hi Michelle.
Thank you for your inspirational insights . In my case i am a Man - victim of first and only loved ex wife’s alcohol addiction and to add to that a victim of parent alienation . Left it all behind after 30 years of pain as well as loosing my kids to alienation so the repercussions of this disease go far and beyond one’s imagination. But your Blogs and transcripts keep me motivated . Thank you .
Hello Rakesh, we have quite a few men in this community. It's nice to hear your story too. Welcome:)
God bless us all . Thank you
This email spoke volumes to me this morning and is EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. In the shower this morning after a hard workout I thought, "Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like." It's funny that after the surge of endorphins and hormones started to come back down, my reality set back in and my mind was consumed again by what I'm living with. It's consuming my every thought at every moment of the day...even though he's been away hunting for over a week and was sober when he left. He tells me that I always go to the most negative way of thinking, which is true now, but I wasn't like this when we first started dating. I've been TRANSFORMED to have a doomsday battle going on in my mind at all times now because I never know when the other shoe is going to drop. I desperately want to find my way back to myself because I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread right now. Thank you for these emails because they make me realize that maybe I'm not entirely crazy yet. I'm so grateful.
I am very grateful for your writing. I left my husband 2 months ago and am finally feeling like myself again. His addiction to alcohol had killed us and drained every bit of me, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It was an extremely painful decision but one I knew I had to make. Each time he becomes sober for a few days, he calls and begs me to come home. I just can’t. Thank you again for your encouraging words. It’s good to know I am not alone.
Your story is so much like mine. I left my AH 3 months ago and it has been the best 3 months I have had in years. I finally feel peace. He reached out and asked me to be patient (after years of me begging him to stop drinking). He is a secret vodka drinker who lied and made me think I was crazy. I told him I will never put myself in that position again.
Hi Kelly, i hope youre doing well. i just now saw what you wrote. Mine to was a “secret” vodka drinker, thinking no one could tell. His drinking turned him into a verbal monster. There was never any physical abuse, but sometimes i would have rather been hit with a fist then to hear the ugly words he spoke. I am staying with a friend for now, but have plans to move out of state to be closer to my children and grandchildren. His story to all of his “friends” is that i suddenly decided to leave because I missed my children. In other words, I am the bad guy who has left him for no reason. I too, have been able to carry on with my life the best i can, and am finally stress free and can laugh again. He still emails and text sometimes, depending on his mood. I dont respond most of the time, especially if the words are negative.
I hope you’re still doing well and I apologize for just now acknowledging your post.
Thank you for this . My current husband went out with his friend to the bar to meet one of his friends. I watched my daughter and his friend’s daughter. They of course came back 3 1/2 hours instead of 2 hours and he hung out in the garage for another hour and a half and then came in the house. The night before thanksgiving that we are hosting. And I hate myself for saying anything because I know it doesn’t matter to him.
Thank you - I needed to read this today - had my husband leave a week ago due to his alcoholism- I never thought at 61 I would be in this situation
After over 17 years of being with an addict (the last 7 being the worst), our divorce is final in a week. I don't know why I took so long...perhaps fear, perhaps thinking he would love me ( and eventually our child) enough to quit...but the day never arrived. I have solemnly accepted that he chose pot over me, but I still struggle with him choosing it over his child. Nothing about addiction is happy or good...even when we tell ourselves "at least he is OK when he is high, not in a rage ..." It's that lie we tell ourselves that can be even more harmful psychologically (at least for me). I am praying for all of us on here that are dealing with or have dealt with this for years...we are enough, and we are worthy of love without the pain of loving an addict whom doesn't love themselves. Know that!!
My husband is addicted to pot. About 9 years now. We have two kids (8 and 5). I'm at the breaking point. I don't know why I still hold on. Do you have full custody of your child? (The pot withdrawls/rage is so scary).
You do it for the same reason I did...*maybe he will quit and we can be the family we were meant to be* does that sound like you? That was me for 6+years. I do have full custody, thankfully. He didn't fight me either. He knows I am the only one that can properly care for our child...so, if you feel like that isn't your situation...start gathering evidence for a divorce. Pictures, video (if you can safely record), keep a trail...log everything! My ex knows I did and could have used it against him. Thank you for commenting. I absolutely understand where you are right now! You can do this! Please know you are not alone.
wow wow wow. So resonating....even after being separated from my AH for over three years. I found Michelle in the middle of the worst days... I was definitely fading away. I see it now when I look back at photos. But I was holding on for my young kids...now, ironically, I'm seeing the results of that 'hanging on' in their young adult lives... The struggle continues, but now my priorities are right.
Anita, hi! So happy your priorities are right. Yay you!
I’ve only been in any relationship for 6 months but my fella is an alcoholic-he’s as of today 4 days sober and seems he himself again that man I fell in love with. I don’t have the longevity in the relationship that most have but it’s still hurts like hell. The guild to have of “it being my fault” “could I have been a better girlfriend” “why can’t if fix him or help him” is so heartbreaking.
Pain is pain and all our feelings matter equally no matter how long or short we have been with our partners. We are here for you 🥰
This post confirms I made the best decision when I left my AH in August. I had lost myself. I was so sad, so hopeless, and so very angry. I cannot thank you enough for the encouraging words I listened to on my morning runs during the summer listening to your podcast. I al soooo grateful to have found your podcast and understand I was not alone or crazy (like my AH wanted me to believe). One night I asked him if he would please stop drinking (he drank vodka that he hid around the house). He told me he would stop drinking when I got medicated for my anxiety. He proceeded to tell me my entire family thought I was crazy. It nearly broke my heart to hear that. I later learned it was just another one of his lies. Please stay strong and believe you deserve a happier life! I talked to a counselor who told me I was in the middle of a storm but she knew when I came out on the other side, I was going to be much happier. She was so right. I am much happier but I went through a grieving process to get where I am today. Michele’s podcasts were a huge part of my making it through the storm.
Kelly, my husband also hiding his vodka drinking. Had me thinking I was crazy too--totally gaslighting me and admitted to as much last January. I feel like I could write a book about the last several years but it's getting worse not better. I wish I could hate him--it would make this so much easier. Why do I keep putting up with this? I started seeing a therapist and after just two visits I'm thinking about the possibility of leaving. I'm 60yo and have to decide if I want to spend the rest of my life waiting for the next shoe to drop or to see him finally start doing the hard work of getting sober.
I am 59.... I started counseling after my husband got so drunk he fell down and peed his pants when we had 7 of our friends staying at our house from out of town. Nobody even saw him drinking. He had to be carried to bed. I thought he finally hit rock bottom. Nope.. 2 weeks later he got a DUI at 7:00 pm on a Monday. And he didn’t call me to tell me, I had to call the police when he never came home. That was the day I was done.
Nay, you deserve someone who is NOT an addict. I had some time of heavy drinking during my current relationship. My aging mother needed my help but i was living w a pain pill addict and couldn’t cope with both. I eventually put the gin down but can i say my life was spiraling downward. Hoping you can avoid too much drinking if you are and find men that are more in control of themselves.
Thanks TB.
I really appreciate your kind words. Drinking to cope has not been on the table for me. I made a decision to channel my hurt into healthy activities. I’ve been focusing on healthy eating and exercise. Trying to rebuild myself!
Same here- healthier in 2024- you know lol afraid i read your post wrong- thought it said you were proposed to 5x by 5 different alcoholics. So VERY sorry. Happy 2024
Just what I needed to hear Michelle.
Thank you for the pep talk!
I’ve been with my partner nearly 10 years, I have 3 kids (not his). First 3 years of our relationship I knew he was a recovering alcoholic (didn’t really know much then because it had never become an issue other than there was never any commitment) I was late thirties at the time with 3 young kids - then found out he was drinking, cheating etc this went on for a couple of years before I finally said enough - then a few months later he was admitted to hospital - ascities, liver failure, severe jaundice, bled out from varicies while I visited (most horrific time of my life). Been sober as far as I know for 4 years with regular liver scans because of cirrhosis, benign tumour, ensuring his varicies that were tied are ok and lots of body ailments - love him to bits but his mental health is horrendous- he doesn’t seek help and pushes everyone away when he’s going through a bad spell (I don’t live with him because of all this) - I love him but feel so tied - my dreams of romance and passion are gone and I’m only 46 xxxxxx
I believe in your dreams Katherine.
How do you deal with this when they tell you you are their only reason for going though 🙈 xxxxx
Logically we know that it isn’t true! It’s not your fault. Plus you’ve probably done all you could to be supportive of their sobriety. I’ve been accused of making him “Want to cheat” because I’ve expressed apprehension about him going out all night drinking heavily (specifically without me).
Thank you for your comment -and like you say it’s not our fault but why do we take their negative actions personally as they know we are the ones fighting their corner xxxxxx but we still think we are not enough xxxxx
We are more than enough but need to find our self esteem xxxxx
😘
Michelle, you radically changed my life. My “moment” was when my brother, with whom I’ve always been extremely close, got mad at me and barked, “You used to be fun!” That’s when I realized that I had truly lost myself. It’s such a hard road but it’s so worth it. It’s tremendously difficult to separate yourself from your spouse and focus solely on yourself. Recognizing the gaslighting and accepting that HE’s the liar - not me - made me less ashamed of myself. Not fighting with the alcoholic was one of my first and most important steps, followed by my relaxing the obsession with counting beer cans and searching out his hiding places. My head still wants to take me there sometimes, but I remind myself how much healthier (and fun) I am now than I was before finding LOA. I’m so thankful for you and this community. 💕