Addiction was absorbing me
This post resonates so much with me. Two days after I discovered yet again that my HFAH was secretly drinking and pretending to be sober for more than a year, I developed chest pain and shortness of breath. I went to the ER and was diagnosed with 5 blood clots in my lungs. I thought to myself, if I stay, the stress and anxiety of this will eventually kill me. It took almost a year to come to terms with this, but we then separated and I’m now happily divorced. I can’t say whether or not the discovery of his secret drinking was a cause of the blood clots or if it was a sign from God or merely coincidence, but I recognized then the impact of his drinking on my well-being, and I knew I couldn’t stay any longer.
Thank you, Michelle for your encouraging words. I found your podcast on a very dark day last year. It was after a particularly abusive night fueled by drinking. My partner becomes psychotic, belligerent, and even threatens suicide after drinking heavily. I’m currently experiencing this even though there are times of respite. I find myself constantly worrying about the next time it will happen. I feel traumatized and stuck in a freeze mode ever since the last episode about a month ago. I don’t have any family and I’ve isolated from my friends. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so lost. Sorry for this sad comment, but thank you again for making me feel little less alone.
You are incredible. Thank you for shining your light for others to see! Your “love over addiction” emails changed my life and gave me the courage to choose myself. I learned to stop worrying about how others felt about what I needed to do to take care of ME first! Thank you Michelle! Love you girl!🙌🏼
Wow, checking all the boxes. It is only after he went to jail recently (3 Dui’s within 10 years) that I am now forced to really rely and survive on my own. It was kinda like electric shock treatment, all the things I would ordinary be doing/ feeling/ analyzing about him/ us, we’re all gone at once. A true reality check! The sun is coming out and I am starting to regain my sense of self. I kinda like me! 🤦🏻♀️💓
Thank you for your inspirational insights . In my case i am a Man - victim of first and only loved ex wife’s alcohol addiction and to add to that a victim of parent alienation . Left it all behind after 30 years of pain as well as loosing my kids to alienation so the repercussions of this disease go far and beyond one’s imagination. But your Blogs and transcripts keep me motivated . Thank you .
This email spoke volumes to me this morning and is EXACTLY how I've been feeling lately. In the shower this morning after a hard workout I thought, "Maybe I'm losing my mind. Maybe this is what a mental breakdown feels like." It's funny that after the surge of endorphins and hormones started to come back down, my reality set back in and my mind was consumed again by what I'm living with. It's consuming my every thought at every moment of the day...even though he's been away hunting for over a week and was sober when he left. He tells me that I always go to the most negative way of thinking, which is true now, but I wasn't like this when we first started dating. I've been TRANSFORMED to have a doomsday battle going on in my mind at all times now because I never know when the other shoe is going to drop. I desperately want to find my way back to myself because I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread right now. Thank you for these emails because they make me realize that maybe I'm not entirely crazy yet. I'm so grateful.
I am very grateful for your writing. I left my husband 2 months ago and am finally feeling like myself again. His addiction to alcohol had killed us and drained every bit of me, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It was an extremely painful decision but one I knew I had to make. Each time he becomes sober for a few days, he calls and begs me to come home. I just can’t. Thank you again for your encouraging words. It’s good to know I am not alone.
Thank you for this . My current husband went out with his friend to the bar to meet one of his friends. I watched my daughter and his friend’s daughter. They of course came back 3 1/2 hours instead of 2 hours and he hung out in the garage for another hour and a half and then came in the house. The night before thanksgiving that we are hosting. And I hate myself for saying anything because I know it doesn’t matter to him.
Thank you - I needed to read this today - had my husband leave a week ago due to his alcoholism- I never thought at 61 I would be in this situation
After over 17 years of being with an addict (the last 7 being the worst), our divorce is final in a week. I don't know why I took so long...perhaps fear, perhaps thinking he would love me ( and eventually our child) enough to quit...but the day never arrived. I have solemnly accepted that he chose pot over me, but I still struggle with him choosing it over his child. Nothing about addiction is happy or good...even when we tell ourselves "at least he is OK when he is high, not in a rage ..." It's that lie we tell ourselves that can be even more harmful psychologically (at least for me). I am praying for all of us on here that are dealing with or have dealt with this for years...we are enough, and we are worthy of love without the pain of loving an addict whom doesn't love themselves. Know that!!
wow wow wow. So resonating....even after being separated from my AH for over three years. I found Michelle in the middle of the worst days... I was definitely fading away. I see it now when I look back at photos. But I was holding on for my young kids...now, ironically, I'm seeing the results of that 'hanging on' in their young adult lives... The struggle continues, but now my priorities are right.
This post confirms I made the best decision when I left my AH in August. I had lost myself. I was so sad, so hopeless, and so very angry. I cannot thank you enough for the encouraging words I listened to on my morning runs during the summer listening to your podcast. I al soooo grateful to have found your podcast and understand I was not alone or crazy (like my AH wanted me to believe). One night I asked him if he would please stop drinking (he drank vodka that he hid around the house). He told me he would stop drinking when I got medicated for my anxiety. He proceeded to tell me my entire family thought I was crazy. It nearly broke my heart to hear that. I later learned it was just another one of his lies. Please stay strong and believe you deserve a happier life! I talked to a counselor who told me I was in the middle of a storm but she knew when I came out on the other side, I was going to be much happier. She was so right. I am much happier but I went through a grieving process to get where I am today. Michele’s podcasts were a huge part of my making it through the storm.
Just what I needed to hear Michelle.
Thank you for the pep talk!
I’ve been with my partner nearly 10 years, I have 3 kids (not his). First 3 years of our relationship I knew he was a recovering alcoholic (didn’t really know much then because it had never become an issue other than there was never any commitment) I was late thirties at the time with 3 young kids - then found out he was drinking, cheating etc this went on for a couple of years before I finally said enough - then a few months later he was admitted to hospital - ascities, liver failure, severe jaundice, bled out from varicies while I visited (most horrific time of my life). Been sober as far as I know for 4 years with regular liver scans because of cirrhosis, benign tumour, ensuring his varicies that were tied are ok and lots of body ailments - love him to bits but his mental health is horrendous- he doesn’t seek help and pushes everyone away when he’s going through a bad spell (I don’t live with him because of all this) - I love him but feel so tied - my dreams of romance and passion are gone and I’m only 46 xxxxxx
Michelle, you radically changed my life. My “moment” was when my brother, with whom I’ve always been extremely close, got mad at me and barked, “You used to be fun!” That’s when I realized that I had truly lost myself. It’s such a hard road but it’s so worth it. It’s tremendously difficult to separate yourself from your spouse and focus solely on yourself. Recognizing the gaslighting and accepting that HE’s the liar - not me - made me less ashamed of myself. Not fighting with the alcoholic was one of my first and most important steps, followed by my relaxing the obsession with counting beer cans and searching out his hiding places. My head still wants to take me there sometimes, but I remind myself how much healthier (and fun) I am now than I was before finding LOA. I’m so thankful for you and this community. 💕
I want to be stronger but there are times when tiredness from two small babies or frustration from raising these children alone and being the only person financially supporting this home completely drains all my strength and I’m angry, I’m exhausted.
I recently have noticed I lose my temper so easily. I am angry with everyone.
I pray for the day I will be free of these feelings. He is long gone, drunk everyday , the relationship is over but I’m still here picking up the pieces.
I know it’s me, I know I’m the once still dragging around all the hatred and anger but somedays it feels so hard to shake off