I Was Losing Myself

Addiction was absorbing me

Loving someone who is suffering from addiction is heartbreaking, isn’t it? While we stand by and watch them choose their addiction, we are left helplessly praying, hoping that one day, they will see us.

We hope they will choose us.

We pray they will finally get sober for us.

Because we believe that our love can last a lifetime.

We believe in them.

If they choose to get sober, we could be so good together.

Under the heavy and dark cloak of addiction is the person we fell in love with.

And we want THE day they choose sobriety to come TODAY (please, pleeeease let it be today) - because we don’t know how much longer we can hang on.

Constant questions run through our heads like spinning plates ….

________

What can I do to help, or even worse, what am I doing wrong?

Will they come home tonight?

Are they lying again?

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We are intelligent people. We understand their addiction is their battle to fight, but the painful loneliness leaves us wondering …. “is addiction actually killing me too?”

And the loving (but hard to hear) truth is: maybe it is.

Maybe addiction IS killing our mental health? We obsess about their happiness more than ours.

Maybe addiction IS killing our spiritual health? How difficult is it to connect with something greater than ourselves (whatever that looks like for you) when our hearts are constantly being broken?

And perhaps addiction IS killing our physical health? When was the last time we thought about taking care of our bodies? Choosing what feels good to us? Putting our physical needs above others?

Saving ourselves from this disease requires a commitment to stay in our lane and control the things we actually have control over, not the illusion that somehow we can save our loved ones from themselves.

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When I was married to a good man who suffered from addiction, I made a list of things I could control vs. things that I needed to let go of because, after a decade of loving him, I was losing myself.

My wake-up call came when my friend from college was visiting for a weekend and tenderly said, “Michelle, I don’t even recognize you anymore.”

I was a shadow of the woman I once was. Addiction was stealing my husband’s life, and slowly, like a thief in the night, it was creeping into my mind, heart, and soul to grab any self-confidence, self-respect, or self-love I had left.

And if I wanted to save myself, I needed to fight addiction head-on.

For some of us, this winter season feels like rock bottom, and The Time Has Come! Are you feeling a true sense of urgency? Is there a voice within yourself that wants to be honored and respected?  Are you ready to change the things you can control? 

Perhaps you feel that if you don’t take control over your own life, the version of yourself that you actually love will continue to die a slow death and be replaced by a very sick person. 

I would lovingly like to remind you:

You are not helpless.

You are not powerless.

You are not going down.

True, you may not be able to fight for your relationship (that takes two people; unfortunately, some of our partners are nowhere to be found regarding couples therapy, honest conversations, or shared domestic responsibilities). Still, we CAN and WILL fight for our individualist future.

Our entire happiness and health can not and should not rest in our loved one’s ability to get sober.

Many years ago, I woke up early in the morning while it was still dark out, poured myself a cup of coffee, sat at the kitchen table, and wrote a list of things I could control. Here’s a snippet of my list:

• Stop marking my husband’s bottles to measure how much he’s drinking

• Stop digging through drawers looking for alcohol, cocaine, pills, weed, etc.

• Start going for walks when things feel heavy

• Start leaving the house with the kids without him(!!)

The truth is, I was not always successful at this list; I failed many times.  But - that was fine. At least I had some goals that didn’t involve enabling the man I still loved.

The important thing was that the success of these goals rested entirely on me, and that helped me feel more control over my present and future.

A Little Pep Talk (or loving reminder):

My kids call me at least once or twice a week when they are dealing with something challenging and say, “Mom, I need a pep talk, please.” One of my favorite things to do is lovingly encourage people I love, and it’s probably the most authentic reason I started this community.

So here is your pep talk of the week: I’ve been writing about addiction for over a decade, and the amount of women I hear from who saved themselves from this disease is inspiring. 

You are worth saving. And YOU have what it takes to stay in your relationship or leave your loved one and find yourself in a very happy, healthy state of being. It takes time, and you are learning. No rush. Perfection is not required.

But I am here, cheering you on, because I understand and know you will get through this.

If you can afford individualized and professional mental health care - I lovingly want to encourage you to make yourself important and book an appointment.

My Question To You:

Soooo … may I ask you a question? Do you find yourself in a similar position? Is addiction killing a part of you, too? If so, there is absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. I think all of us can relate here. What helped you start making yourself a priority? I would love to hear from you in the comments.

P.S. If you know someone who needs encouragement and community this season, would you please pass this along?

P.P.S. This week, we are celebrating Thanksgiving in America, and I am especially grateful to you for reading my stories and allowing me to offer you some encouragement. It’s really nice to be back. I missed you.