The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to “let go and surrender,” but I never really understood how. The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment
Oh wow! Thank you for this much needed advice today. I needed this! This advice can be used in all my relationships. Right now this helps me with dealing with my aging parents and their health issues. I can only help, I can't make them do the things I think they should to take care of their health. Surrendering control. I'm going to work on this with all my relationships. Thank you for always providing such comforting and convicting advice.
I did ALL these “controlling” things but they didn’t actually change him or control him at all. But they did control ME. He was happily doing all his usual things and I was the one writhing in insanity. I was the one controlled! Releasing him released ME. Thank you for this reminder to keep myself “sober.”
Michelle, I could have checked all the boxes except that my husband rarely goes out without me. One day I realized that checking up on him just makes him lie to me and no matter how I try to change his behavior, it just gets worse. So, I'm keeping my mouth shut and if he destroys his life it's on him. He is much kinder to me now and when he isn't sleeping or high, things are better. I'm doing more things I like to do. Of course,it is still hard not to control because I love him and want so much for him.
Wonderful article Michelle. As someone in recovery/sobriety, it is refreshing to read such a healthy family perspective. I struggled also watching my father's alcoholic behavior when I was young and remember that grasping desperation for control. Surrendering the outcome is the most liberating and empowering thing anyone struggling can do. Thanks for sharing your message of hope and love!
Oh my goodness! You have said just what I needed to hear! I have been married to addict for 7 years and it’s been a long road, but I’m not giving up on him however i have finally surrounded it all. It has to be his choice to get clean and be here for his wife and kids. We will be here for him and help him get sober but he has to make it happen and i can’t keep searching for him because i’ve tried it all so I surrender him and everything that this vicious cycle has been putting me through., Thank you so much! What great advice you have and what an encouragement you are!
Thank you for this reading. I struggle with control. I even did as a kid even though my parents weren’t alcoholics. My husband (who’s the addict in my life) , now works out of town and my try of controlling has gotten worse.
Thank you Michelle ... really timely help. I can echo Wendy here - I do ALL the “controlling” stuff but none of it actually effects any change on her or controls her at all - they're controlling ME instead. We're both super-miserable in her addiction but at least I CAN attempt to stop the controlling behaviors (as crazy as it sounds, I sometimes feel like the control stuff I continually do is out of my control :)) I'm going to memorize the list and make an effort to STOP doing them. Yes - thank you for this reminder to work on keeping myself sane and sober.
I am for sure a controlling person, it’s in my DNA, I can arrest it but not cure it. Just like my husband will always be an alcoholic, he’s in recovery but it’s still there. I can be in recovery, I’m always trying to be better, keep my mouth shut, emotionally detach, move away from destructive thoughts, I’m working at it but sometimes my thoughts warp my perspective and ultimately I hurt him and myself with my insanity. But I surrender to who I am just like I surrender to who he is as an alcoholic. So now, I want to tell my husband that it’s less about what I am and more about how he deals with it when I have moments of manipulation, or expectations or exasperation with his behavior( all forms of control) . It’s not right but He can gently call it out if he wants, or he can retreat like he used to with the bottle. He has control over his reaction when confronted with my disease. And I have control over my reactions to his.
I was in the position of having my closest friend involved in a relationship with an addict and I found it very hard to understand when she reached the point where she would simply 'let him be'. I did all the usual things you mention here and was constantly on his case to get his s*** together. His journey is documented in part on my own page here. I think that the outcome for him would have been the same either way but it was definitely a very hard thing to go through - even on the periphery. There are indeed lessons here for every relationship, as stated by other subscribers. Thank you for this page.
I answered yes to every single question. I finally surrendered and ended my marriage. It is a horrible feeling when you realize you have no control over the thing that is destroying your life. The only thing we can control is our own behavior. It was very difficult for me to accept that.
Oh wow! Thank you for this much needed advice today. I needed this! This advice can be used in all my relationships. Right now this helps me with dealing with my aging parents and their health issues. I can only help, I can't make them do the things I think they should to take care of their health. Surrendering control. I'm going to work on this with all my relationships. Thank you for always providing such comforting and convicting advice.
I did ALL these “controlling” things but they didn’t actually change him or control him at all. But they did control ME. He was happily doing all his usual things and I was the one writhing in insanity. I was the one controlled! Releasing him released ME. Thank you for this reminder to keep myself “sober.”
Michelle, I could have checked all the boxes except that my husband rarely goes out without me. One day I realized that checking up on him just makes him lie to me and no matter how I try to change his behavior, it just gets worse. So, I'm keeping my mouth shut and if he destroys his life it's on him. He is much kinder to me now and when he isn't sleeping or high, things are better. I'm doing more things I like to do. Of course,it is still hard not to control because I love him and want so much for him.
Wonderful article Michelle. As someone in recovery/sobriety, it is refreshing to read such a healthy family perspective. I struggled also watching my father's alcoholic behavior when I was young and remember that grasping desperation for control. Surrendering the outcome is the most liberating and empowering thing anyone struggling can do. Thanks for sharing your message of hope and love!
Sincerely,
S. J. Perkins
Oh my goodness! You have said just what I needed to hear! I have been married to addict for 7 years and it’s been a long road, but I’m not giving up on him however i have finally surrounded it all. It has to be his choice to get clean and be here for his wife and kids. We will be here for him and help him get sober but he has to make it happen and i can’t keep searching for him because i’ve tried it all so I surrender him and everything that this vicious cycle has been putting me through., Thank you so much! What great advice you have and what an encouragement you are!
Thank you for this reading. I struggle with control. I even did as a kid even though my parents weren’t alcoholics. My husband (who’s the addict in my life) , now works out of town and my try of controlling has gotten worse.
Thank you Michelle ... really timely help. I can echo Wendy here - I do ALL the “controlling” stuff but none of it actually effects any change on her or controls her at all - they're controlling ME instead. We're both super-miserable in her addiction but at least I CAN attempt to stop the controlling behaviors (as crazy as it sounds, I sometimes feel like the control stuff I continually do is out of my control :)) I'm going to memorize the list and make an effort to STOP doing them. Yes - thank you for this reminder to work on keeping myself sane and sober.
I am for sure a controlling person, it’s in my DNA, I can arrest it but not cure it. Just like my husband will always be an alcoholic, he’s in recovery but it’s still there. I can be in recovery, I’m always trying to be better, keep my mouth shut, emotionally detach, move away from destructive thoughts, I’m working at it but sometimes my thoughts warp my perspective and ultimately I hurt him and myself with my insanity. But I surrender to who I am just like I surrender to who he is as an alcoholic. So now, I want to tell my husband that it’s less about what I am and more about how he deals with it when I have moments of manipulation, or expectations or exasperation with his behavior( all forms of control) . It’s not right but He can gently call it out if he wants, or he can retreat like he used to with the bottle. He has control over his reaction when confronted with my disease. And I have control over my reactions to his.
I was in the position of having my closest friend involved in a relationship with an addict and I found it very hard to understand when she reached the point where she would simply 'let him be'. I did all the usual things you mention here and was constantly on his case to get his s*** together. His journey is documented in part on my own page here. I think that the outcome for him would have been the same either way but it was definitely a very hard thing to go through - even on the periphery. There are indeed lessons here for every relationship, as stated by other subscribers. Thank you for this page.
This! This is me 100%. How do I stop when if I stop it makes things even worse?
I answered yes to every single question. I finally surrendered and ended my marriage. It is a horrible feeling when you realize you have no control over the thing that is destroying your life. The only thing we can control is our own behavior. It was very difficult for me to accept that.