How to Really Surrender Control

The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to “let go and surrender,” but I never really understood how.

The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome. Surrender doesn't mean we stop loving or caring.

Another way of looking at how to “let go” is to think about the opposite of surrendering.

What’s the opposite of surrendering … Controlling.

Let me ask you a question, and I promise it’s just you and me, so you can keep it real and honest. We don’t make judgments in this safe community of ours.

Would you consider yourself a controlling person?

Do you put forth a lot of effort to get an outcome that you think is beneficial to your situation?

When you are told no, are you the type of person who is determined to make it a yes?

Do you run a situation over and over in your mind, trying to figure out how you can get someone to do whatever it is you think is best?

If you love someone suffering from addiction, here’s some controlling behavior that might not be helpful:

• Tracking your loved one’s location most of the time.

• Looking for liquor or beer bottles.

• Marking their bottles to see how much they have been drinking.

• Texting them when you think they are up to no good.

• Lecture them when they come home late.

• Nagging them about chores or responsibilities.

• Micromanageing their schedule.

• Feeling anxious if you don’t know where they are or how much they have had to drink.

• Getting other people to talk them into getting sober.

• Researching helpful resources about sobriety and sending them links or “casually” bringing up your findings with the intention of convincing them they need help.

• Trying your best to meet their every need so they won’t drink or use drugs.

• Exhaust yourself with the expectation that everything needs to be perfect.

• Loving them so hard that letting them go seems so unbearable that you hold on even tighter.

• Ending up in a rage because everything you’ve tried isn’t working.

If you identify with one of these common behaviors, you are not alone. Welcome. We are your people. We get it. I could have answered yes to every single one of those questions during different times in my life.

The good news is these are all behaviors that we can surrender.

And you want to know why you said yes to one or more of those questions? In other words, what’s behind the behaviors? Fear. We’re afraid. We are scared this disease is going to break our hearts and keep taking away the one we love.

We are holding on with both hands as tightly as we can because the idea of losing our loved one scares us to death. So we fight for control. We do the opposite of surrender.

When chaos happens in our lives because of this disease, we dig deeper, looking for solutions. We are overachievers. We dig our heels in deeper and try harder to fix the ones we love.

We read one more self-help book; we make the house even cleaner, we try harder at work, or we insist the kids behave even better. We find an area in our lives that we can control, and we push harder.

And then what happens? All this effort - where has it gotten us?

There are certain areas of our lives where all this effort pays off. Places where our determination and grit have clearly worked in our favor.

For example:

If we control our budget and practice discipline, our autonomy over finances can help us feel strong and empowered.

If we advocate for our mental health and make caring for ourselves a priority, that can be a very rewarding form of control.

Control is not always bad. In fact, it’s necessary for some of the success in our lives.

But, there are some areas where surrendering is the healthiest choice.

Surrendering control over our loved one's addiction is a good thing.

Not only for us but for them too.

Remember those questions I asked you? It’s not mentally, spiritually, or physically beneficial for us to say “yes” to any of them. We must let go of trying to control another grown adult. If the one you love is above the age of 18 - surrendering their future is key to our healing.

And the good news is that surrendering is very simple. Just stop making the choices to get in their lane. Stay in yours. Keep yourself busy with your healing and recovery.

Let’s make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction, this is what surrendering looks like:

Stop tracking your loved one’s location most of the time. Let them go where they want to when they want to.

Stop looking for their hiding spots and stop keeping track of how much they have had to drink.

If you think they are making bad choices, don’t reach out to them. Get busy doing something you enjoy. Let them struggle with the consequences of their choices.

Go to bed and don’t worry when they come home. You can sleep in a different room if you like.

Make a list of chores you would like done and post it on the fridge. Tell them you would love for these to get done, and then keep a quiet mouth.  If they don’t do them, hire someone. If you can’t afford that, try doing it yourself or letting it go.

Manage your own schedule. Eat when you want to eat. Go out when you want to go out.

Practice surrendering.

Take a deep breath or two or three.

Tell yourself that you are a grown adult in love with another grown adult and that healthy relationships do not require micromanaging. You will eventually find out where they have been and what they have been doing.

Their addiction has nothing to do with how well put together your life is.

It’s their battle to fight. Love them, support them, and give them consequences and boundaries.

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