What do I want? I want an emotionally clear headed husband so we can have clear conversations in the evening. I want a husband/partner to bond with. Someone who isn’t asleep at 7 every evening because he drank and cannot stay awake. What am I willing to do to get that? Help! This is where I am stuck. I am learning to detach by going and doing my own thing, but this doesn’t get me what I want/need emotionally.
I want a husband who doesn’t stay awake drinking until 6 am and being a real jerk because he is hungover. When he is drinking, he is so mean. The things he says. So many things in your post brought me to tears. You GET me. What do I want? I want more boundaries and the strength to do what I need to do. I have MS and prescribed opioid pain meds. Because I don’t have addiction issues, I am super careful. The pain is sometimes intolerable, he knows this, and the pain meds work so well. And what did he do?! Took them. I had to count my latest pill bottle. 2 were missing. I have to hide them now. When is ENOUGH ENOUGH? That’s what I want. The clarity to know when enough is enough.
What do I want? To live a happy fulfilling life. That may mean without him but it's his decision. I've developed the courage to choose myself no matter what that means for him.
I’m glad you’re feeling better, Michelle! I had missed you.
In the next year, I want to really smooth away my sharp raw edges. I’ve spent the past few years deconstructing myself and my relationships and my beliefs, and now that I know who and what I am, I want to proceed to the next level in my personal growth which involves softening and sanding away the rough spots.
I’m willing to accomplish this by turning my reading and study into a new direction. Instead of ruminating on what’s wrong, I’m going to focus on what’s right. I’m setting my face towards the promised land.
I started the LOA program about 4 years ago due to my alcoholic husband and the overwhelming anxiety my daily life dealt me. I had two beautiful kids and was willing to do the work to detach so that I didn’t disrupt their lives. Unfortunately my son passed away suddenly (by a drunk driver, he was on his bike) and our lives imploded. Somehow some way, I knew I needed to find any strength I had to leave and I felt my son pushing me towards the door. After 20 years of being stuck in quicksand, and whike dealing with a grief that nobody should ever have to go through, I took that step forward. I have no regrets however I still suffer from wanting my husband (we are separated) to be ok. We now share the worst trauma bond with the loss of our amazing brilliant athletic vibrant son however I can no longer stand by while he drinks and may possibly put another family in danger.
Michelle, the sound of your voice is like listening to a big sister tell you about the hard, raw parts of loving someone with addiction. I am so lucky I found your podcast several years ago when I was loving someone with addiction and now I find myself loving a different someone with addiction so it is helpful to have you as a guidepost.
I so love your writing, everything you say is me....thank you. what do I want is such a black hole for me....I suppose its just to be happy. My first husband of 10 years, and my current partner of 13 years, both alcoholics. I got the courage to leave the first, but ended up here again. My current partner has been drinking less and less over the last year, and I'm grateful for the progress. Currently I see about twice weekly slips or noticeable slurring. Each time I'm angrier than the last, but rarely say anything. We don't fight, we really don't talk about it at all either. Feels like we are just both sitting and waiting...her waiting for me to leave, me waiting at the fork in the road...will it get better or worse...
Karalee, it's ok to wait. The answer will come when you're ready. In the meantime, how are you taking care of your anger? Anger is a very normal and healthy emotion but we want to make sure you're processing anger by allowing it to leave your body (if that makes sense). Some suggestions would be: calling a friend, writing in a journal, booking a session with a good therapist, exercise, even going for a drive and saying all your feelings out load to no-one can be helpful. You're feelings are important.
First off, THANK YOU!! This is the only podcast I have ever found that really dives in deep to exactly what we truly feel and don't feel safe talking about. You have been my saving grace too many times to count! For my question: I did stay with my husband, 1000 times over IDK why, but I did and he finally chose for himself to get sober. It's been 3 years now and I am struggling so hard with how to forgive and move on. 30 years of very verbal abuse has taken its toll on my mind and soul. He's amazing and truly in a wonderful place now. I feel I need to talk about things to get out from behind this wall I have built out of survival mode but from past history, I'm so cautious about bring things up that relate to his addiction. I feel it will end in him saying I should leave him, he doesn't deserve me. Which is all true 😆 But I feel like we FINALLY are where I always dreamt of and now it's me that's resentful and in a stuck rut.
I’m so glad your back, I’ve been in need of a new episode. I am 28 years old, I have been with my husband for almost 10 years (married 3) and just 14 days ago I decided to pack my things and move out of our home & into my own place. It was the hardest decision but it was a form of tough love and he was pushing me away and frightening me with his unpredictable behavior & emotional manipulation trying to drag me down with him. I didn’t want to keep up this enabling behavior & covering for him while he’s hurting my heart & unworthy of any trust whatsoever. I’ve told him for the last 2-3 years that I cannot live like this anymore so I left. I don’t want a divorce and I want him to get sober before I even think of going back but how long do I wait?
Mica, there's no right or wrong answer. My suggestion would be to get prepared for both staying and leaving. In other words, if he doesn't get sober and you felt it was time to leave for good, spend some time thinking about the logistics. Where would you live? How will you support yourself, etc. And if you decided to stay, what boundaries can you implement when you return that will help support your healing? Try purchasing a journal or use the app Evernote (you can password protect your notes) and get clear with both possibilities. You don't need to implement them right now, or have all the answers, so there's no pressure. This is helpful because whatever you decide you started thinking of a plan - and that's progress. And remember: you can always change your mind. No judgements from us. You've got this.
Hi Michelle - You May not know that your inspirational writings which i found is what’s keeping me alive and needful - as some one asked me long time ago - “What do you Want”- I had no answer (somewhat same as every one else - want it all back !!!) but today years and tears later - I say please ask me what I need instead if you care - just enough peace to live in tranquility and numbness “ deep as it sounds true as it feels ...Need takes over Want as Want - is unachievable in our cases - Need is the key to survival ... sadly - Peace , Peace and More Peace 🙏
I echo Toni… Straight and to the point. “What do I want? To live a happy fulfilling life. That may mean without him but it's his decision. I've developed the courage to choose myself no matter what that means for him.”
Not sure if you will still read this since it is an older post but maybe it will be helpful for me to put into the universe. I am not sure about what I want anymore, some sort of resolution? My husband has been sober for 8 months, which has been such a relief. I am so very grateful and it has been so nice to have peace in the house for our family of two young sons. My problem is that I am considering talking to a therapist because he does not remember ANYTHING he did while drunk for the last few years and I am finding that it is really difficult for me to move forward because of it. I want to talk to him about it but it seems like a pointless endeavor. He apologizes and says he doesn't remember, and I WANT to let it all go, but I still feel like I am carrying around the trauma of the past few years because there were times that it was REALLY BAD. We are moving forward as a family but I keep remembering some of the scary, awful times and I am not sure how to get past it. Any advice is welcome.
This year I want to be brave about going on adventures by myself - a day here and there, or maybe weekend. I want to grow in my assertiveness. I am willing to practice, read, feel uncomfortable, and see a therapist in order to accomplish this.
I would leave if I could afford to, unfortunately that’s the ugly truth. I know I would miss him, because at times I believe he loves me, but the addiction has ruined us. I know I’m not the person I once was and I’m going to take your advice and make time for me. I’ve been smoking and drinking to try and drown my pain. Which I never was a drinker but starting to think I’m developing my own addiction as a result of his which is taking a tole on my body. I’ve gained over 30lbs and look terrible. So it’s time for some self love!
I recently discovered your podcasts after my continual frustration being in a relationship with a functioning alcoholic partner. We are both retired, travel together often and participate in many activities. Unfortunately, he favors activities that involve alcohol. Over the past 4 years, I’ve gently mentioned my lack of interest to drink or sit in bars or drinking every afternoon. I used to drink one beer, but now I drink nothing and I just sit there hating every minute. I have started to not accompany my partner to events or travels. I dread going on vacations with him just because our days sightseeing will eventually end at a bar/restaurant. So what starts as a good time turns to what I consider wasting hours doing something I hate. Because we’re out of town, I’m trapped. He’s a wonderful guy, helpful, caring, fun, well-liked by everyone who meets him. I’ve lost time doing what interests me or relaxes me. Drinking relaxes my partner. He also can’t sit still unless it’s on a bar stool. Thankfully we live in our own homes. The only thing I see in our future is less and less time together as I find my way back to myself.
What do I want? I want an emotionally clear headed husband so we can have clear conversations in the evening. I want a husband/partner to bond with. Someone who isn’t asleep at 7 every evening because he drank and cannot stay awake. What am I willing to do to get that? Help! This is where I am stuck. I am learning to detach by going and doing my own thing, but this doesn’t get me what I want/need emotionally.
I think it’s wonderful you’re learning to detach. That’s a terrific step towards healing Nora. ⭐️
I want a husband who doesn’t stay awake drinking until 6 am and being a real jerk because he is hungover. When he is drinking, he is so mean. The things he says. So many things in your post brought me to tears. You GET me. What do I want? I want more boundaries and the strength to do what I need to do. I have MS and prescribed opioid pain meds. Because I don’t have addiction issues, I am super careful. The pain is sometimes intolerable, he knows this, and the pain meds work so well. And what did he do?! Took them. I had to count my latest pill bottle. 2 were missing. I have to hide them now. When is ENOUGH ENOUGH? That’s what I want. The clarity to know when enough is enough.
I DO understand Staci. The day will come when you know for sure. It might be closer than you think. Trust your wisdom. You’re a smart cookie 🍪
Reading these comments - I had no idea others experience what I do. You are my soul sisters. Thanks for speaking out.
Thank you Michelle! Your podcast has helped me so much. I realize that I'm going to be ok and I'm not crazy. Thanks for all you do!
What do I want? To live a happy fulfilling life. That may mean without him but it's his decision. I've developed the courage to choose myself no matter what that means for him.
love this toni!
I’m glad you’re feeling better, Michelle! I had missed you.
In the next year, I want to really smooth away my sharp raw edges. I’ve spent the past few years deconstructing myself and my relationships and my beliefs, and now that I know who and what I am, I want to proceed to the next level in my personal growth which involves softening and sanding away the rough spots.
I’m willing to accomplish this by turning my reading and study into a new direction. Instead of ruminating on what’s wrong, I’m going to focus on what’s right. I’m setting my face towards the promised land.
This is where I am at as well. Thank you for sharing.
I started the LOA program about 4 years ago due to my alcoholic husband and the overwhelming anxiety my daily life dealt me. I had two beautiful kids and was willing to do the work to detach so that I didn’t disrupt their lives. Unfortunately my son passed away suddenly (by a drunk driver, he was on his bike) and our lives imploded. Somehow some way, I knew I needed to find any strength I had to leave and I felt my son pushing me towards the door. After 20 years of being stuck in quicksand, and whike dealing with a grief that nobody should ever have to go through, I took that step forward. I have no regrets however I still suffer from wanting my husband (we are separated) to be ok. We now share the worst trauma bond with the loss of our amazing brilliant athletic vibrant son however I can no longer stand by while he drinks and may possibly put another family in danger.
Laila, I’m so proud of you for taking a step forward. We are all sending you lots of love and support. 🤍
Sending you hugs and peace!
Michelle, the sound of your voice is like listening to a big sister tell you about the hard, raw parts of loving someone with addiction. I am so lucky I found your podcast several years ago when I was loving someone with addiction and now I find myself loving a different someone with addiction so it is helpful to have you as a guidepost.
I so love your writing, everything you say is me....thank you. what do I want is such a black hole for me....I suppose its just to be happy. My first husband of 10 years, and my current partner of 13 years, both alcoholics. I got the courage to leave the first, but ended up here again. My current partner has been drinking less and less over the last year, and I'm grateful for the progress. Currently I see about twice weekly slips or noticeable slurring. Each time I'm angrier than the last, but rarely say anything. We don't fight, we really don't talk about it at all either. Feels like we are just both sitting and waiting...her waiting for me to leave, me waiting at the fork in the road...will it get better or worse...
Karalee, it's ok to wait. The answer will come when you're ready. In the meantime, how are you taking care of your anger? Anger is a very normal and healthy emotion but we want to make sure you're processing anger by allowing it to leave your body (if that makes sense). Some suggestions would be: calling a friend, writing in a journal, booking a session with a good therapist, exercise, even going for a drive and saying all your feelings out load to no-one can be helpful. You're feelings are important.
First off, THANK YOU!! This is the only podcast I have ever found that really dives in deep to exactly what we truly feel and don't feel safe talking about. You have been my saving grace too many times to count! For my question: I did stay with my husband, 1000 times over IDK why, but I did and he finally chose for himself to get sober. It's been 3 years now and I am struggling so hard with how to forgive and move on. 30 years of very verbal abuse has taken its toll on my mind and soul. He's amazing and truly in a wonderful place now. I feel I need to talk about things to get out from behind this wall I have built out of survival mode but from past history, I'm so cautious about bring things up that relate to his addiction. I feel it will end in him saying I should leave him, he doesn't deserve me. Which is all true 😆 But I feel like we FINALLY are where I always dreamt of and now it's me that's resentful and in a stuck rut.
Your feelings are real! Have you seen a therapist?
No I have not but know I need to
It can make a big difference. That anger you feel - it's so hard. Hang in there! You got this! And God has you!
I’m so glad your back, I’ve been in need of a new episode. I am 28 years old, I have been with my husband for almost 10 years (married 3) and just 14 days ago I decided to pack my things and move out of our home & into my own place. It was the hardest decision but it was a form of tough love and he was pushing me away and frightening me with his unpredictable behavior & emotional manipulation trying to drag me down with him. I didn’t want to keep up this enabling behavior & covering for him while he’s hurting my heart & unworthy of any trust whatsoever. I’ve told him for the last 2-3 years that I cannot live like this anymore so I left. I don’t want a divorce and I want him to get sober before I even think of going back but how long do I wait?
Mica, there's no right or wrong answer. My suggestion would be to get prepared for both staying and leaving. In other words, if he doesn't get sober and you felt it was time to leave for good, spend some time thinking about the logistics. Where would you live? How will you support yourself, etc. And if you decided to stay, what boundaries can you implement when you return that will help support your healing? Try purchasing a journal or use the app Evernote (you can password protect your notes) and get clear with both possibilities. You don't need to implement them right now, or have all the answers, so there's no pressure. This is helpful because whatever you decide you started thinking of a plan - and that's progress. And remember: you can always change your mind. No judgements from us. You've got this.
Hi Michelle - You May not know that your inspirational writings which i found is what’s keeping me alive and needful - as some one asked me long time ago - “What do you Want”- I had no answer (somewhat same as every one else - want it all back !!!) but today years and tears later - I say please ask me what I need instead if you care - just enough peace to live in tranquility and numbness “ deep as it sounds true as it feels ...Need takes over Want as Want - is unachievable in our cases - Need is the key to survival ... sadly - Peace , Peace and More Peace 🙏
I echo Toni… Straight and to the point. “What do I want? To live a happy fulfilling life. That may mean without him but it's his decision. I've developed the courage to choose myself no matter what that means for him.”
Not sure if you will still read this since it is an older post but maybe it will be helpful for me to put into the universe. I am not sure about what I want anymore, some sort of resolution? My husband has been sober for 8 months, which has been such a relief. I am so very grateful and it has been so nice to have peace in the house for our family of two young sons. My problem is that I am considering talking to a therapist because he does not remember ANYTHING he did while drunk for the last few years and I am finding that it is really difficult for me to move forward because of it. I want to talk to him about it but it seems like a pointless endeavor. He apologizes and says he doesn't remember, and I WANT to let it all go, but I still feel like I am carrying around the trauma of the past few years because there were times that it was REALLY BAD. We are moving forward as a family but I keep remembering some of the scary, awful times and I am not sure how to get past it. Any advice is welcome.
This year I want to be brave about going on adventures by myself - a day here and there, or maybe weekend. I want to grow in my assertiveness. I am willing to practice, read, feel uncomfortable, and see a therapist in order to accomplish this.
I would leave if I could afford to, unfortunately that’s the ugly truth. I know I would miss him, because at times I believe he loves me, but the addiction has ruined us. I know I’m not the person I once was and I’m going to take your advice and make time for me. I’ve been smoking and drinking to try and drown my pain. Which I never was a drinker but starting to think I’m developing my own addiction as a result of his which is taking a tole on my body. I’ve gained over 30lbs and look terrible. So it’s time for some self love!
Laurie, that’s super common. I love that you’re going to take care of you and resist addiction taking you down too. 💪🏻
I recently discovered your podcasts after my continual frustration being in a relationship with a functioning alcoholic partner. We are both retired, travel together often and participate in many activities. Unfortunately, he favors activities that involve alcohol. Over the past 4 years, I’ve gently mentioned my lack of interest to drink or sit in bars or drinking every afternoon. I used to drink one beer, but now I drink nothing and I just sit there hating every minute. I have started to not accompany my partner to events or travels. I dread going on vacations with him just because our days sightseeing will eventually end at a bar/restaurant. So what starts as a good time turns to what I consider wasting hours doing something I hate. Because we’re out of town, I’m trapped. He’s a wonderful guy, helpful, caring, fun, well-liked by everyone who meets him. I’ve lost time doing what interests me or relaxes me. Drinking relaxes my partner. He also can’t sit still unless it’s on a bar stool. Thankfully we live in our own homes. The only thing I see in our future is less and less time together as I find my way back to myself.