How To Get Back To Being Yourself

Hi. It's been a minute. I am so sorry that it has. I have been sick and I will not bore you with details, but I don't know if it was Covid. I don't know what it was, but every time I got out of bed and did like one thing, I felt so exhausted. I just did not have the energy. So I apologize. But I am back now and it's holiday season. 

We're in the middle of the winter. The winter season with Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that stuff, and a highly intense time for some of us. 

And this past Thanksgiving, I just kept thinking about how grateful I am for you. How grateful that we found a place where we can talk about our real lives and we can find comfort with each other. So I am also wanting to let you know I am working on Love Over Addiction.

We are coming back and I'm not ready to share the details yet. I'm very, very busy with trying to form a team and provide you with the best possible care that you deserve from experts, real experts. 

So I'm slowly ramping up. This isn't going to be an overnight thing, but for now, you can find me all, everything I'm talking about in the podcast you can find on Substack, I write for Substack. So you can just Google love over addiction or you can find me on social media. 

Alright, so let's talk today about finding our way back to ourselves. Now you feel lost, maybe lonely. And when you look at yourself in the mirror, you wonder, where did I go? Will I ever get back to the best version of myself? 

Has love destroyed me beyond the point of no return? You used to be funny and carefree, but now the laughter feels forced and has a weight of sadness behind it. You were able to be present with people. Maybe now your mind is foggy and you always feel distracted. You had dreams of what your life will be like, but now you feel stuck, with very few choices. 

Love has always lived right below the surface for you, but now it feels distant and unrelatable and unreliable these days to access the layer of love that was once so abounding. 

You have to dig deep past the anger and sadness and confusion. This is what it feels like when you spend years of your life loving someone battling addiction. 

Addiction consumes every thought and every emotion. It feels like addiction controls you and you slowly begin to lose yourself. So what do you do? Have you lost yourself forever? Is it even possible to stay with someone who is so addictive and still return to your best self? I say, yes, yes, yes, yes. 

But you must be willing to be honest about two very important questions. 

Question number one: What do you really want in the next year?  

Question number two: What are you willing to do differently to get it?

Now before you answer, here's a loving and very hard truth. It's common to think that you'll eventually get back to yourself when your loved one gets sober. That's a really common belief. 

The past version of your partner though that's in the past, addiction and recovery from addiction, it changes people. And for them to get sober and to stay sober, their future cannot look exactly like their past, their friends, their surroundings, maybe their jobs or their hobbies, they might change and they will need to mature in areas where they once lacked maturity. 

So falling in love with the new version of your partner, a sober version, it could be really difficult. Things will not go back to being the same. They can be better. Things can get better if they are responsible for their recovery or they could be very difficult if they are sober, but not getting regular support from professionals.

But as you all know, this is not about them. This space is for you and about you. You too will not return the version of yourself that you once were because you know too much. 

You have been through too much and this could be a good thing. This could be such a good thing. Evolving is a good thing. You can come out of this situation with even more clarity about who you are and what you want. Perhaps when you entered this relationship, you didn't have boundaries, or maybe you found yourself attracted to someone who reinforced your negative beliefs about yourself. 

But now years later, you understand that being treated poorly is not something you want. You deserve to be told the truth. You deserve to have someone be there for you emotionally. An equal partner who respects you and is interested in your life. Someone who shares responsibilities and supports your goals and dreams.

Looking back at your younger self, maybe you didn't fully understand just how badly you needed a partner who could show up for you perhaps, perhaps. 

And I'm just guessing here, you were subconsciously attracted to someone to take care of someone slightly broken who could not judge you for your inadequacies because they weren't adequate themselves. 

Maybe just maybe being with someone who was giving you less felt safer than being with someone who would love you as much as you love them. 

Because if they didn't love you as much, you always had to work harder for their love and working hard for approval and love was a role that you grew up playing. 

So I'm asking you, do you really want to return to who you were or would you like to take this opportunity and take self-inventory and consciously make the decision to take what you like about yourself and leave the rest whether you know it or not, this painful relationship has given you some incredible new attributes that you didn't know you needed.

Chances are you are more resilient now. Look how much you have been put through and how you are still standing and choosing life every day. 

You are most likely getting really good at boundaries or at the very least, learning what feels acceptable and unacceptable to you and deep in your soul that you want and need more than what you are receiving today. You might not want to leave your relationship or maybe you've already left. But either way, the voice that you have been ignoring, it's telling you not to settle. That voice is getting louder. 

So what if we didn't think too much about the people we once were back in the good old days before addiction came into our lives, but rather what if we recognized that pain has carried us through to becoming strong, courageous, and kind people? 

Once we have this whole relationship figured out and find peace, we can trust that the traits we love most about ourselves will reappear their hibernation right now waiting for safety to reemerge like seeds, deep within the soil, waiting for the right environment to bloom.

Alright, my loves your turn. I would love to hear at least one answer to the question. And the questions were, what do you really want in the next year and what are you willing to do differently to get those things? 

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Would you rather listen to these newsletters? I am returning to the Love Over Addiction podcast (yay!). You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Amazon (for free). I have always refused (and will continue) sponsors and commercials.

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Or maybe you don't want to answer those questions and maybe you just want to share something that's going on with you. I'd love to hear that too. We all would because we want to create a safe place for you to talk or share about what's going on in your life.