because there is drinking going on every single night, my boundary is that I won't be around him or interact with him when drinking. he's upset b/c I quit having sex w/him......well, HE'S ALWAYS DRUNK...............
I have such an issue sticking to boundaries, and I don't know why. I've finally stopped getting angry and cry every time he drinks - which is a big deal for me. However, I always feel the need to just let him know that I know, like that makes any difference in how either of us feel. I'll ask him "did you drink today" - if he lies I'll call him out anyway. I just continue to set myself up for disappointment, and can't seem to let go of expectations. I know I'm not alone but I feel so isolated and like I'm doing life in solitary.
I do the same thing. Really trying not to say anything or get angry….I have to walk away when I feel the need to let him know I know. It makes it worse, so trying to work on me and my behaviour.
I set a boundary that I will not sleep next to a drunk, which usually means I have to go sleep somewhere less comfortable than where he passed out. Still feel like I'm the one being punished. I also will not have sex with a drunk and so...we never do. He blames me for that.
It may feel like a punishment to enforce your boundaries but why go to a more uncomfortable place to sleep, set up your “go to” place anyway you like, buy yourself nice new sheets, comfy blankets and surround yourself with things that make you feel better, readings, journals, music. Your boundaries are not punishing him and certainly not you, they are just a separation that you need to be ok, and you can make that a nice place to be.
Yes as I am reading this I am in my beautiful pink room . I cant sleep next to him when he snores and seems like stops breathing because of heavy beer consumption. I need my space to be happy and do my own thing .
I have many boundaries now and have gotten bold about enforcing them. 💪🏻 One I have recently added is “I will not babysit my husband to keep him from drinking.” He’s semi-retired now and at home all the time, and I used grudgingly to go with him everywhere he went so that he wouldn’t stop by the liquor store. I am enjoying enforcing this boundary by staying in my lounging clothes in the mornings sipping coffee while he runs to get gas for the lawnmower or to the pharmacy to pick up his meds (for example.) I like getting those few minutes of alone time, and if he comes home drunk, well, I can enforce another boundary which says “I will not hang around a drunk person.”
Some boundaries that’s been working recently is that I asked for no beer at the house or others coming over to drink. However, it causes conflict because my sons sit out in the yard and smoke marijuana so that’s going against my boundary also but they won’t respect it. my next boundary that I want to put in place is that when he goes to the bar and gets drunk that he does not come home, he goes to a family member’s house or should I just ask him to sleep on the couch? It always ends up in a conflict because when he’s drunk, he’s even more needy and gets offended when I just need my space away from him in my safe bubble.
Our boundaries are not rules they must follow. They are for us alone.
First off, you can absolutely set a rule for your sons that no drugs/alcohol may be consumed on your property and if they do not agree, then they move out. That’s not a boundary, but it’s an awesome rule to enforce. They can find their own place and become 100% self-supporting adults in the world, and smoke their pot at their house. 😀
As for your spouse, an example of a boundary you can set is “I will not share a bed with an intoxicated person,” and when he drunkenly gets into bed with you, you can get up and go sleep elsewhere. Your boundary says what you will do when X happens. It does not say what he must do. We must set and respect/enforce our boundaries.
I have a question. I have seen a need to set a boundary to not cover for him anymore and not lie to people about why he did not come to a particular gathering with me. But for people who are not aware of the situation, sometimes I still do. So when is it appropriate to tell people, "My husband is an alcoholic and he is home drinking tonight." And when to just make a comment to brush it off because it's really none of their business. It's not everybody's business, is it? This is where I get confused.
I covered for my husband a lot since I was having trouble owning up to the fact not only he was an alcoholic (something he never admitted to) but that I was the wife of an alcoholic, I feared the judgement of that with friends and family. I tried everything to keep it a secret how bad it was. Now that I am learning about boundaries, I realized is that I really don’t owe most people an explanation of why he wasn’t showing up to things. I could simply say, “he could not make it”, or “he’s not well”, I’m not lying and I could follow up with the friend, “why don’t you check up on him yourself and find out why he couldn’t come over”, then the drinker will come up with his own lie or truth and you don’t have to do it for him.
Wendy, you are so eloquent on your thoughts and answers. I have my happy space at home (my own room with luxery sheets and art and things that make me smile and be calm. .. but sometimes I just want to go out and do things without a worry of someone sitting home and drinking into a stupor or anger or destroying whatever. Don't like leaving my 2 dogs there when in that state either. It's hard to ignore. Does going to Alanon help at all, do you? I'm a social person, so I like going and doing things with friends and neighbors. I'm trying to be honest with people I know and say the above when they ask about hubby "He chose to stay home and drink". Tell it like it is.
The AlAnon groups near you may be very helpful for you. I’ve tried my local AlAnon group (there is only one) but was disappointed that there wasn’t more discussion on topics. Each person read or shared and crosstalk (meaning questions and answers) wasn’t allowed.
The groups near you may be more lively. I encourage you to try them out.
Same here Lynn. There are places i stopped going to because i am greeted with ‘ Hey. How’s DJ? What’s that old man been up to? Tell him Hello for me.’ How’s DJ been? Heard he was in hospital.’ I get really excited to get AWAY from the chronically ill addict at my house and yet i can’t get away. I run “ He’s at home not well” and “He’s home catching up on rest” on repeat. Saying his dealer has been out of street perc for a week so i’m visiting you to get away and stop thinking about him would be honest. Thanks for bringing this up. Your post made me stop packing to read. Will be back in a week.
I find myself in the same situation. And like michelle I dont want to hurt my husbands feelings so I bend for him….I know it’s so stupid and I am so close to following thru with my boundaries. I also feel like if I have to have these boundaries, what the heck am I doing with my life! I wish I could answer your question, I guess my thought is do what you feel is right and comfortable for you. Now I just gotta tell myself that!
I have been in the same situations. I pick and choose who I tell at this point. Of course our
families know the truth, it is a relief for them all to know because it explains a lot when he’s not showing up to functions. Outside the family, I agree it’s not everyone’s business. The people we have to interact with, I found myself telling the truth. It explained why the behaviors some people were seeing. In my situation, we just can’t hide it. I have found people to be kind about it.
Boundaries can be confusing, especially when you love someone. I felt like I had to take care of him at the expense of taking care of myself. Thank you Michelle for the examples and identifying the underlying purpose for each of them. In order to be whole, I need to maintain my values and protect what is important.
because there is drinking going on every single night, my boundary is that I won't be around him or interact with him when drinking. he's upset b/c I quit having sex w/him......well, HE'S ALWAYS DRUNK...............
Sounds like my situation and I am learning to be ok with this
I have such an issue sticking to boundaries, and I don't know why. I've finally stopped getting angry and cry every time he drinks - which is a big deal for me. However, I always feel the need to just let him know that I know, like that makes any difference in how either of us feel. I'll ask him "did you drink today" - if he lies I'll call him out anyway. I just continue to set myself up for disappointment, and can't seem to let go of expectations. I know I'm not alone but I feel so isolated and like I'm doing life in solitary.
I do the same thing. Really trying not to say anything or get angry….I have to walk away when I feel the need to let him know I know. It makes it worse, so trying to work on me and my behaviour.
I set a boundary that I will not sleep next to a drunk, which usually means I have to go sleep somewhere less comfortable than where he passed out. Still feel like I'm the one being punished. I also will not have sex with a drunk and so...we never do. He blames me for that.
It may feel like a punishment to enforce your boundaries but why go to a more uncomfortable place to sleep, set up your “go to” place anyway you like, buy yourself nice new sheets, comfy blankets and surround yourself with things that make you feel better, readings, journals, music. Your boundaries are not punishing him and certainly not you, they are just a separation that you need to be ok, and you can make that a nice place to be.
Yes as I am reading this I am in my beautiful pink room . I cant sleep next to him when he snores and seems like stops breathing because of heavy beer consumption. I need my space to be happy and do my own thing .
I have many boundaries now and have gotten bold about enforcing them. 💪🏻 One I have recently added is “I will not babysit my husband to keep him from drinking.” He’s semi-retired now and at home all the time, and I used grudgingly to go with him everywhere he went so that he wouldn’t stop by the liquor store. I am enjoying enforcing this boundary by staying in my lounging clothes in the mornings sipping coffee while he runs to get gas for the lawnmower or to the pharmacy to pick up his meds (for example.) I like getting those few minutes of alone time, and if he comes home drunk, well, I can enforce another boundary which says “I will not hang around a drunk person.”
Some boundaries that’s been working recently is that I asked for no beer at the house or others coming over to drink. However, it causes conflict because my sons sit out in the yard and smoke marijuana so that’s going against my boundary also but they won’t respect it. my next boundary that I want to put in place is that when he goes to the bar and gets drunk that he does not come home, he goes to a family member’s house or should I just ask him to sleep on the couch? It always ends up in a conflict because when he’s drunk, he’s even more needy and gets offended when I just need my space away from him in my safe bubble.
Our boundaries are not rules they must follow. They are for us alone.
First off, you can absolutely set a rule for your sons that no drugs/alcohol may be consumed on your property and if they do not agree, then they move out. That’s not a boundary, but it’s an awesome rule to enforce. They can find their own place and become 100% self-supporting adults in the world, and smoke their pot at their house. 😀
As for your spouse, an example of a boundary you can set is “I will not share a bed with an intoxicated person,” and when he drunkenly gets into bed with you, you can get up and go sleep elsewhere. Your boundary says what you will do when X happens. It does not say what he must do. We must set and respect/enforce our boundaries.
I have a question. I have seen a need to set a boundary to not cover for him anymore and not lie to people about why he did not come to a particular gathering with me. But for people who are not aware of the situation, sometimes I still do. So when is it appropriate to tell people, "My husband is an alcoholic and he is home drinking tonight." And when to just make a comment to brush it off because it's really none of their business. It's not everybody's business, is it? This is where I get confused.
I covered for my husband a lot since I was having trouble owning up to the fact not only he was an alcoholic (something he never admitted to) but that I was the wife of an alcoholic, I feared the judgement of that with friends and family. I tried everything to keep it a secret how bad it was. Now that I am learning about boundaries, I realized is that I really don’t owe most people an explanation of why he wasn’t showing up to things. I could simply say, “he could not make it”, or “he’s not well”, I’m not lying and I could follow up with the friend, “why don’t you check up on him yourself and find out why he couldn’t come over”, then the drinker will come up with his own lie or truth and you don’t have to do it for him.
I actually like your answer “He is at home drinking” or better yet, “He chose to stay home and drink.”
Wendy, you are so eloquent on your thoughts and answers. I have my happy space at home (my own room with luxery sheets and art and things that make me smile and be calm. .. but sometimes I just want to go out and do things without a worry of someone sitting home and drinking into a stupor or anger or destroying whatever. Don't like leaving my 2 dogs there when in that state either. It's hard to ignore. Does going to Alanon help at all, do you? I'm a social person, so I like going and doing things with friends and neighbors. I'm trying to be honest with people I know and say the above when they ask about hubby "He chose to stay home and drink". Tell it like it is.
The AlAnon groups near you may be very helpful for you. I’ve tried my local AlAnon group (there is only one) but was disappointed that there wasn’t more discussion on topics. Each person read or shared and crosstalk (meaning questions and answers) wasn’t allowed.
The groups near you may be more lively. I encourage you to try them out.
Thank you. I will need to check the groups out. It looks like there about 6 to choose from in my area.
Same here Lynn. There are places i stopped going to because i am greeted with ‘ Hey. How’s DJ? What’s that old man been up to? Tell him Hello for me.’ How’s DJ been? Heard he was in hospital.’ I get really excited to get AWAY from the chronically ill addict at my house and yet i can’t get away. I run “ He’s at home not well” and “He’s home catching up on rest” on repeat. Saying his dealer has been out of street perc for a week so i’m visiting you to get away and stop thinking about him would be honest. Thanks for bringing this up. Your post made me stop packing to read. Will be back in a week.
I find myself in the same situation. And like michelle I dont want to hurt my husbands feelings so I bend for him….I know it’s so stupid and I am so close to following thru with my boundaries. I also feel like if I have to have these boundaries, what the heck am I doing with my life! I wish I could answer your question, I guess my thought is do what you feel is right and comfortable for you. Now I just gotta tell myself that!
I have been in the same situations. I pick and choose who I tell at this point. Of course our
families know the truth, it is a relief for them all to know because it explains a lot when he’s not showing up to functions. Outside the family, I agree it’s not everyone’s business. The people we have to interact with, I found myself telling the truth. It explained why the behaviors some people were seeing. In my situation, we just can’t hide it. I have found people to be kind about it.
Do you discuss boundaries to your spouse? It is such a raw subject that for me to bring it up often causes a lot of accusations and anger.
Boundaries can be confusing, especially when you love someone. I felt like I had to take care of him at the expense of taking care of myself. Thank you Michelle for the examples and identifying the underlying purpose for each of them. In order to be whole, I need to maintain my values and protect what is important.