Good Boundaries - Do You Have Them?
Enforcing good boundaries is the key to remaining strong and controlling your emotions, words, and decisions.
Before we get started I just wanted to say: I am so glad you’re here. I love writing for you. Thank you for trusting me. I truly believe you found me for a reason and I hope I am serving you well.
Here's the loving truth: When you love someone suffering from addiction, it's important for your health to have boundaries. Enforcing good boundaries is the key to remaining strong and controlling your emotions, words, and decisions.
For years, I thought I understood what a boundary was. I even thought I was implementing them in my home and my relationships.
But it turns out I was wrong.
Boundaries can be really confusing, and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did.
Today we will cover the basic questions: what exactly is a boundary, and why do I need them?
Here's a visualization that might help: Imagine yourself walking along the beach, and you find a stick. You take that stick and draw a big long line across the sand.
Boundaries are lines in the sand that tell others, "I'm not willing to cross this line. This is as far as I will go.
You can walk next to me, but there's a point I will need to stop. And when we reach my line, I would love for you to respect and stay with me, but if you must step over my line, you will need to do it alone.
I will no longer be walking with you. I might be waiting if you decide to cross my line and then come back and join me. And I may miss you, or I may miss only parts of you. But I will not cross this line."
Examples of boundaries (lines in the sand):
Drinking and driving. Your boundary could be stated as follows: "If you choose to drink and drive, I refuse to ride in the car with you. I will find my own way home."
Verbal Abuse: Your boundary could be stated: "If you start raising your voice or yelling at me, I will politely excuse myself from the room. I'll be happy to continue the conversation when you can speak to me kindly and with respect. But I will not continue to be in your presence while you verbally abuse me."
Your line in the sand is for your protection.
Establish boundaries to honor yourself.
You get to decide what your lines in the sand are. There's no mandatory boundary. Each one of us will have different boundaries based on our own circumstances.
It took me years to figure out where my lines should be drawn.
I said things like, "Yes, I will marry you," but if I had identified my boundaries, I would have said, "No, get sober first and then I will wear your ring."
I've woken up my kids in the middle of the night to bail my ex-husband out of jail. If I had established boundaries, I could have let him experience the consequences of his hurtful and dangerous choices by letting him sit in jail.
I turned down an important invitation to attend the funeral of a dear high school friend so I could stay home and watch how many bottles he was consuming. If I had proper boundaries, I would have found safe care for my children and attended the funeral to honor my friend's lost life.
I lied for him over and over to strangers and family. Again, if I had had my boundaries in place, I would know my truest self is always honest, no matter the consequence or risk of judgment.
We need boundaries to protect ourselves from the lies, broken promises, abuse, and aggressive cycles of addiction. The disease of addiction does not respect us, so we need to respect ourselves.
Our boundaries will honor our beliefs and give us courage, confidence, and independence.
My lack of boundaries causes me to compromise my truest self.
I kept justifying away the boundaries I knew I needed.
Why? Because I was scared.
I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. And I didn't want to upset anyone. It seemed easier to ignore that feeling inside me that said, "This isn't ok, Michelle."
I know you have gone through painful times. You might be in a great deal of pain right now.
So, please... use my history to reflect and ask yourself, "Where are my boundaries being compromised?"
What are the boundaries you have in place?
What boundaries are working? And which ones need to be revisited?
Now that I am older and wiser, I respect my line.
I honor and cherish my boundaries. I publicly acknowledge them and will not hide or apologize for them.
Boundaries protect us.
So, what is your line? Have you looked for a stick on that beach you've been walking along and dared to make that line long, clear, and deep? I would love to hear about it in the comments. If you don’t have boundaries, that's ok. We are all here learning together, and it's never too late to start.
I have such an issue sticking to boundaries, and I don't know why. I've finally stopped getting angry and cry every time he drinks - which is a big deal for me. However, I always feel the need to just let him know that I know, like that makes any difference in how either of us feel. I'll ask him "did you drink today" - if he lies I'll call him out anyway. I just continue to set myself up for disappointment, and can't seem to let go of expectations. I know I'm not alone but I feel so isolated and like I'm doing life in solitary.
because there is drinking going on every single night, my boundary is that I won't be around him or interact with him when drinking. he's upset b/c I quit having sex w/him......well, HE'S ALWAYS DRUNK...............