Difficult but necessary. For someone who always monitored my family because of my husbands alcoholism, letting go has been a series of learning a new type of control over my own emotions. We separated three years ago; nothing has changed.... instead he has spiraled. For me, there are moments of absolute fear and guilt..... but many more of calm and peace. Sometimes I feel very alone, but I feel peaceful in that space, no longer walking on eggshells. I focus on my healing and the people in my life who support me 💕
Thank you, Michelle. I am on a healthy path of healing after finally letting my fiancé go down his own path of alcoholism in April. I went through your program , and am continuing to listen you to affirm my decision as I sit on my side porch alone and realize how happy I am to be me again❤️
Somebody please talk me off the edge here. I tbought I had myself in in hand. I checked my anger, I stayed in my lane. I kept my boundaries in a pleasant voice. When he cried because the med was too strong and he was trying so hard, I googled the side effects, thought they were the same.
Then I accidentally found the bottles...and felt like a fool for believing him even though he lied before.
Truth is, I foolishly allowed myself to think it was better now because of the meds. Delusional thinking, I guess.
I know I am not the only one like this... but I need some encouragement now. 😕
I think we give about a million chances before we give up. When we are healthy we let go of trying to fix what we can’t 💕 I stay focused on peace. I need it like I need water at this point. Be kind to yourself!
You are not the only one. You are not delusional. You are dealing with a terrible disease that no one knows how to handle. Give yourself some grace, and take care of yourself. One step at a time.
You are not delusional. You are in the middle of a terrible storm that continues to batter you from all sides. When you think it’s subsiding and you let down your guard, you get blindsided by another wave. It’s so stinking hard! I think you have to go through many stages of this storm. Right now, when I find the disease wooing and enticing me back in, I tell myself to keep my guard up because that next wave is still out there, waiting to slam me into a wall. Don’t beat yourself up. It truly is a cunning disease. Just continue to learn and be vigilant in your own recovery. ❤️
We want them to be as honest and transparent as we are, but they cannot be. They have too much to hide, too many ongoing lies to juggle. I’ve found stability for myself through detachment. My unhealthy self (my addiction) screams for me to reattach to him and try try try harder to get him to (fill in the blank.) My unhealthy self believes that real love globs onto its object and feels their pain for them. No. That’s NOT real love. That’s the total opposite of love.
What you’re feeling (delusional thinking, guilt, shame, foolishness) is just echoes from that unhealthy attachment to them that is our addiction. We have to resist the seductive call of our addiction which says, “Come on back, Barbara/Wendy. He NEEDS you. He can’t get sober without your help. See, he’s crying, and he’s TRYING. You just expect too much of him! You’re so mean to him, telling him you won’t help him. And really, aren’t you an idiot for trusting him, anyway? See, you aren’t perfect either!” And on and on and on.
Resist your addiction, my friend. I stand with you.
This is so very true and I’m in the middle of trying to let go of his choices and consequences and allowing healing for me. Seems like every single time I get strong, something like today happens. After we had a fun day of celebrating Labor Day with my daughter and grandkids, we get a call on the way home that he’s in the hospital with a possible stroke 100s of miles away where he’s working.
How do I even respond to this when as a wife I am supposed to be there for him but I’m in the process of letting go of him? I checked on him because I care but I cannot go down there because it would only complicate things. This advice helps so much because Michelle is saying when we truly let go, it actually helps them more because us “trying to help” prolongs their sickness. There is no helping him and letting myself heal at the same time. Its just impossible. It’s one or the other and I’m not used to choosing me first. It feels wrong but I know I can be strong. The fear of the unknown and the guilt is the worst part. I have to let him suffer in the bed he made and just pray and focus on my journey now but it’s so much easier said that done!
Letting him suffer in the bed he made is the best thing for him and for you. In resisting your addiction (those feelings of responsibility for him, those urges to feel sorry for him and to help him) you get stronger and healthier. If it’s good for you and your kids, it’s good for him.
❤️ same. We’ve been separated for a year. I really thought at some point he would get why this is happening. One of the hardest parts is letting his voice criticizing me fade. And actually knowing how I feel & how to move forward. Only now do I realize how much his voice paralyzes me.
Thanks all. I needed this today. I’m really trying to let thing happen rather than always fixing, suggesting or orchestrating the next step. It’s hard because we have so much to lose. I’m literally hoping that the last few days when he was sick with Covid will provide a pause that we both needed for a reset. Taking it down a notch, because the tension had gotten almost unbearable after I gave him an ultimatum. I so wish we could actually talk about all this stuff together - instead of fighting. I am trying not to expect anything but stay, as they say, cautiously, optimistic…
I finally let go and he is continuing to screw up absolutely everything. But I am no longer enabling him.
I am learning about Narcissistic Abuse in the rearview mirror of my marriage and getting the help I need to mourn, heal and recover my very good life. I don't know what is up ahead, but at least I now know that I will no longer be attached to a man who is poking more holes in his sinking canoe.
Here is my issue with letting go of some of this stuff...it throws me into a financial crisis too! If I let him sit in jail instead of bonding him out...if I don't make sure he wakes up in time to get to work, etc. If he were the only one suffering all the consequences of me letting it all go, it would be easy to do. Yes, I'm suffering now while he is drinking...but I can't live on my salary alone! So I really feel stuck. How do you address those very real problems that come with letting it go?
It is scary to depend upon an alcoholic. We must figure out ways to not have to depend on them so much. One way is to have an emergency fund that is in an account he knows nothing about and cannot access—money for groceries and electricity and gas for your car—in case he loses his job. Mitigate your liabilities the best you can, then let him sit in jail, and be late for work.
“And is he getting away with not facing his responsibilities? Look at him. Is that sodden man--unconscious half the time–is that dying man getting away with anything?”
Thing’s always seem a bit out of control. After 3 is when he starts drink. I’m never quite sure what is going to happen. He goes to a bar not to far from our home. He then comes home half drunk and continues to drink and smoke pot. So dinner is a mess because he really doesn’t want to eat because that would ruin his buzz. He will not sit down and watch a movie because he can’t focus at all. So I can’t really watch tv. I sit and listen to him ramble on and on about the same thing over and over. I absolutely hate it. I’m so worn out. I can’t have any friends over cause he’s so embarrassing. This is so hard. I really don’t want to leave my home. In fact I resent the fact that I would have to leave my home. I’m not the drunk!! I refuse to go to my bedroom to get away from him. He can go to the bedroom. Before 3 he does everything he can possibly think of that needs done. He’s retired. He made lots of money and he has not gambled or drank it all away. I do love him very much but this is so hard. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I am a 2 year survivor of breast cancer. I really shouldn’t have any stress in my life. Well I definitely do. He will not leave our home either. We are adding on to our home now. He wanted to do this for me. My life is a carnival ride!! There have been many times he would come home and fall in the driveway and can’t get up. There have been many times that he got a DUI. There have been many times that people from the bar would bring him home. He drinks to the point of black out. He doesn’t remember a lot of what he did the night before. The last time he feel in the driveway and I helped him in the home(because it was almost zero degrees) when we got in he said thank you so much for helping me in.
I am 74 and very tired of our constant fights. I feel like I am becoming him in that I am shying away from friends, I want to sleep half the day away and take sleep supplements just to get away from him. I even have 3 glasses of wine a night just to feel better. That’s not a good thing!! Like many of you have said some way or the other they can be charming or when he thinks I’m just about to throw him out then he starts helping a tiny bit around the house or doing something he knows he should do to help out but doesn’t usually do. Then he says “ did you notice I cleaned the kitchen counter, or I took out the trash ( his jobs that I usually end up doing). Sorry for my boring stuff; I am tired and 74 ( a young 74) but scared to leave the relationship because I will be alone. I will never ever get in another relationship I am never going that way again. Waa waa waw. Thank you!
ALL OF THIS IS FACT!!! Thank you, Michelle, for LOA. It truly helped me stop aiding his addiction and start treating myself. You’re right - it’s very hard to do when you’ve been doing it for so long, but it’s worth the effort. I’m still with my AH today, but I no longer find myself burdened with the BS anymore. It’s not ideal, I have brief moments of pity when I tell myself I deserve better, but overall, letting go of that control has changed my life. Thank you!
I’m so sorry that I just saw this. I probably have to change notification settings.
Some ideas for battling the disease include things like not counting beer cans, not searching for hiding places, not doing bar drive-bys to see if his car is there. These can be hard, but were good starters for me. One boundary I set was to no longer fight with the drunk. That helped a lot!! That morphed into not engaging the drunk at all, so we pretty much only speak in the morning. Remember that it’s a journey and you’ll stumble. I surely still do! Wishing you peace.
My x ah just Told me he has a girlfriend. He’s been dating her a week and she lives about 2 hours away . Not sure why or how she’s already his gf. Im hurt and I’m struggling.. as you can hear. We have two girls 8 and 7. We have been separated for about 3 years but as soon as last month he was saying he wanted to repair the things that hurt between us. And he was sorry for all he’s done. And Weather we make it or not he wanted a chance to show me better. He has made no effort for long term change imo. And just bounces back and forth manipulating me into believing that he is learning or making effort.
And when I found out he had met someone I realized that i was STILL WAITING for him.. to choose better - after all this time .
I feel stupid. Abandoned all over again. Alone, I told him off so I feel out of alignment with myself.
He said. You have made it clear that “I’m a no good whoremongering pice of shit and you don’t want me”
I want to tell him that I always wanted him but I don’t want - can’t trust- and completely hate his addiction and all that it drags away from us all.
But the truth is I know I’ve already said all that. I know he knows that I love him and he knows what he would have to do to get me back. But he hasn’t. The answer is no Joelle.
The answer is always no.
How long does it take to feel like this is not my person. Ugh
My wife keeps getting injured almost killed falling down unconscious getting head wounds stiches they should chip alcoholics and refuse sale or consumption
Difficult but necessary. For someone who always monitored my family because of my husbands alcoholism, letting go has been a series of learning a new type of control over my own emotions. We separated three years ago; nothing has changed.... instead he has spiraled. For me, there are moments of absolute fear and guilt..... but many more of calm and peace. Sometimes I feel very alone, but I feel peaceful in that space, no longer walking on eggshells. I focus on my healing and the people in my life who support me 💕
In the end they won’t stop until they hurt themselves or go to jail
Thank you, Michelle. I am on a healthy path of healing after finally letting my fiancé go down his own path of alcoholism in April. I went through your program , and am continuing to listen you to affirm my decision as I sit on my side porch alone and realize how happy I am to be me again❤️
Somebody please talk me off the edge here. I tbought I had myself in in hand. I checked my anger, I stayed in my lane. I kept my boundaries in a pleasant voice. When he cried because the med was too strong and he was trying so hard, I googled the side effects, thought they were the same.
Then I accidentally found the bottles...and felt like a fool for believing him even though he lied before.
Truth is, I foolishly allowed myself to think it was better now because of the meds. Delusional thinking, I guess.
I know I am not the only one like this... but I need some encouragement now. 😕
I think we give about a million chances before we give up. When we are healthy we let go of trying to fix what we can’t 💕 I stay focused on peace. I need it like I need water at this point. Be kind to yourself!
You are not the only one. You are not delusional. You are dealing with a terrible disease that no one knows how to handle. Give yourself some grace, and take care of yourself. One step at a time.
You are not delusional. You are in the middle of a terrible storm that continues to batter you from all sides. When you think it’s subsiding and you let down your guard, you get blindsided by another wave. It’s so stinking hard! I think you have to go through many stages of this storm. Right now, when I find the disease wooing and enticing me back in, I tell myself to keep my guard up because that next wave is still out there, waiting to slam me into a wall. Don’t beat yourself up. It truly is a cunning disease. Just continue to learn and be vigilant in your own recovery. ❤️
We want them to be as honest and transparent as we are, but they cannot be. They have too much to hide, too many ongoing lies to juggle. I’ve found stability for myself through detachment. My unhealthy self (my addiction) screams for me to reattach to him and try try try harder to get him to (fill in the blank.) My unhealthy self believes that real love globs onto its object and feels their pain for them. No. That’s NOT real love. That’s the total opposite of love.
What you’re feeling (delusional thinking, guilt, shame, foolishness) is just echoes from that unhealthy attachment to them that is our addiction. We have to resist the seductive call of our addiction which says, “Come on back, Barbara/Wendy. He NEEDS you. He can’t get sober without your help. See, he’s crying, and he’s TRYING. You just expect too much of him! You’re so mean to him, telling him you won’t help him. And really, aren’t you an idiot for trusting him, anyway? See, you aren’t perfect either!” And on and on and on.
Resist your addiction, my friend. I stand with you.
This is so very true and I’m in the middle of trying to let go of his choices and consequences and allowing healing for me. Seems like every single time I get strong, something like today happens. After we had a fun day of celebrating Labor Day with my daughter and grandkids, we get a call on the way home that he’s in the hospital with a possible stroke 100s of miles away where he’s working.
How do I even respond to this when as a wife I am supposed to be there for him but I’m in the process of letting go of him? I checked on him because I care but I cannot go down there because it would only complicate things. This advice helps so much because Michelle is saying when we truly let go, it actually helps them more because us “trying to help” prolongs their sickness. There is no helping him and letting myself heal at the same time. Its just impossible. It’s one or the other and I’m not used to choosing me first. It feels wrong but I know I can be strong. The fear of the unknown and the guilt is the worst part. I have to let him suffer in the bed he made and just pray and focus on my journey now but it’s so much easier said that done!
Letting him suffer in the bed he made is the best thing for him and for you. In resisting your addiction (those feelings of responsibility for him, those urges to feel sorry for him and to help him) you get stronger and healthier. If it’s good for you and your kids, it’s good for him.
❤️ same. We’ve been separated for a year. I really thought at some point he would get why this is happening. One of the hardest parts is letting his voice criticizing me fade. And actually knowing how I feel & how to move forward. Only now do I realize how much his voice paralyzes me.
Thanks all. I needed this today. I’m really trying to let thing happen rather than always fixing, suggesting or orchestrating the next step. It’s hard because we have so much to lose. I’m literally hoping that the last few days when he was sick with Covid will provide a pause that we both needed for a reset. Taking it down a notch, because the tension had gotten almost unbearable after I gave him an ultimatum. I so wish we could actually talk about all this stuff together - instead of fighting. I am trying not to expect anything but stay, as they say, cautiously, optimistic…
I finally let go and he is continuing to screw up absolutely everything. But I am no longer enabling him.
I am learning about Narcissistic Abuse in the rearview mirror of my marriage and getting the help I need to mourn, heal and recover my very good life. I don't know what is up ahead, but at least I now know that I will no longer be attached to a man who is poking more holes in his sinking canoe.
Ahoy!
Thank you. I felt like I was doing well for a while, but got sucked back in..
Right now trying to focus on the positives in my life...my son, my job, my students who appreciate my efforts.
Here is my issue with letting go of some of this stuff...it throws me into a financial crisis too! If I let him sit in jail instead of bonding him out...if I don't make sure he wakes up in time to get to work, etc. If he were the only one suffering all the consequences of me letting it all go, it would be easy to do. Yes, I'm suffering now while he is drinking...but I can't live on my salary alone! So I really feel stuck. How do you address those very real problems that come with letting it go?
It is scary to depend upon an alcoholic. We must figure out ways to not have to depend on them so much. One way is to have an emergency fund that is in an account he knows nothing about and cannot access—money for groceries and electricity and gas for your car—in case he loses his job. Mitigate your liabilities the best you can, then let him sit in jail, and be late for work.
“And is he getting away with not facing his responsibilities? Look at him. Is that sodden man--unconscious half the time–is that dying man getting away with anything?”
— "Getting Them Sober" Book 1 by Toby Rice Drews
Thing’s always seem a bit out of control. After 3 is when he starts drink. I’m never quite sure what is going to happen. He goes to a bar not to far from our home. He then comes home half drunk and continues to drink and smoke pot. So dinner is a mess because he really doesn’t want to eat because that would ruin his buzz. He will not sit down and watch a movie because he can’t focus at all. So I can’t really watch tv. I sit and listen to him ramble on and on about the same thing over and over. I absolutely hate it. I’m so worn out. I can’t have any friends over cause he’s so embarrassing. This is so hard. I really don’t want to leave my home. In fact I resent the fact that I would have to leave my home. I’m not the drunk!! I refuse to go to my bedroom to get away from him. He can go to the bedroom. Before 3 he does everything he can possibly think of that needs done. He’s retired. He made lots of money and he has not gambled or drank it all away. I do love him very much but this is so hard. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I am a 2 year survivor of breast cancer. I really shouldn’t have any stress in my life. Well I definitely do. He will not leave our home either. We are adding on to our home now. He wanted to do this for me. My life is a carnival ride!! There have been many times he would come home and fall in the driveway and can’t get up. There have been many times that he got a DUI. There have been many times that people from the bar would bring him home. He drinks to the point of black out. He doesn’t remember a lot of what he did the night before. The last time he feel in the driveway and I helped him in the home(because it was almost zero degrees) when we got in he said thank you so much for helping me in.
I am 74 and very tired of our constant fights. I feel like I am becoming him in that I am shying away from friends, I want to sleep half the day away and take sleep supplements just to get away from him. I even have 3 glasses of wine a night just to feel better. That’s not a good thing!! Like many of you have said some way or the other they can be charming or when he thinks I’m just about to throw him out then he starts helping a tiny bit around the house or doing something he knows he should do to help out but doesn’t usually do. Then he says “ did you notice I cleaned the kitchen counter, or I took out the trash ( his jobs that I usually end up doing). Sorry for my boring stuff; I am tired and 74 ( a young 74) but scared to leave the relationship because I will be alone. I will never ever get in another relationship I am never going that way again. Waa waa waw. Thank you!
It all sounds so familiar I am 64 been married for 45 years. Watching my husband slowly kill himself is so so hard to watch. I get it.
What a great analogy! This will help me. Thanks
ALL OF THIS IS FACT!!! Thank you, Michelle, for LOA. It truly helped me stop aiding his addiction and start treating myself. You’re right - it’s very hard to do when you’ve been doing it for so long, but it’s worth the effort. I’m still with my AH today, but I no longer find myself burdened with the BS anymore. It’s not ideal, I have brief moments of pity when I tell myself I deserve better, but overall, letting go of that control has changed my life. Thank you!
Please send me some ideas on how to do that
I’m so sorry that I just saw this. I probably have to change notification settings.
Some ideas for battling the disease include things like not counting beer cans, not searching for hiding places, not doing bar drive-bys to see if his car is there. These can be hard, but were good starters for me. One boundary I set was to no longer fight with the drunk. That helped a lot!! That morphed into not engaging the drunk at all, so we pretty much only speak in the morning. Remember that it’s a journey and you’ll stumble. I surely still do! Wishing you peace.
Thank you! ❤️
My x ah just Told me he has a girlfriend. He’s been dating her a week and she lives about 2 hours away . Not sure why or how she’s already his gf. Im hurt and I’m struggling.. as you can hear. We have two girls 8 and 7. We have been separated for about 3 years but as soon as last month he was saying he wanted to repair the things that hurt between us. And he was sorry for all he’s done. And Weather we make it or not he wanted a chance to show me better. He has made no effort for long term change imo. And just bounces back and forth manipulating me into believing that he is learning or making effort.
And when I found out he had met someone I realized that i was STILL WAITING for him.. to choose better - after all this time .
I feel stupid. Abandoned all over again. Alone, I told him off so I feel out of alignment with myself.
He said. You have made it clear that “I’m a no good whoremongering pice of shit and you don’t want me”
I want to tell him that I always wanted him but I don’t want - can’t trust- and completely hate his addiction and all that it drags away from us all.
But the truth is I know I’ve already said all that. I know he knows that I love him and he knows what he would have to do to get me back. But he hasn’t. The answer is no Joelle.
The answer is always no.
How long does it take to feel like this is not my person. Ugh
My wife keeps getting injured almost killed falling down unconscious getting head wounds stiches they should chip alcoholics and refuse sale or consumption