You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” - Anne Lamott Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men and women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse disorder hold good jobs and earn a good living. Most of the time, they can help take care of the kids and household duties.
I told my husband's siblings several years ago. They were absolutely no help at all. I can't explain how much his 3 sisters shut me down. If I ever mention it, I get a response of "oh", or congratulate him if he only had 3 beers today, or that's got to be hard on him, or he's not any drunker than he usually is, or "I thought he had cut back". I could go on and on at how much this angers me. It actually got me to shut down to telling many other people, because I figured no one really wanted to hear about it. I have opened up to other people since then, and all have been sympathetic. I still can't believe the reaction I get from his family. And, they have all decided to not let mom know, because she is old and couldn't handle it. All I can figure that when he dies of it one day, I'll tell them that I told you so.
Thank you Michelle for writing what so many of us are struggling with and thinking. I was told by AlAnon it is wrong to shame the alcoholic so the nondrinking spouse is supposed to suffer in silence and just keep attending meetings. I dislike Alanon meetings; I feel like it is a punishment for me because of him. I did tell his family about his addiction and alcohol problems but I was told they love him the way he is and keep it to myself. So here I am married to porn addiction, substances he obtains through the mail and alcohol. Right now he stopped the alcohol and cut back hugely on the substances he receives through the mail. (They come in a brown envelope and they are xanax and sleeping pills and tramadol). He had two break downs last year from his abuse and landed in the hospital. Now he is behaving but I have been married to him over 25 years and I know this is always temporary. He also has a personality like a covert narcissist and abuses me privately verbally. He's now 80 years old and at times he seems better but never would I ever trust him. I know he can slip back into his old ways in a heartbeat. Thank you for reading.
You have a terrific ability to hone in on the emotional issues that keep us attached yet in shame, connected, yet hiding...that icky feeling that makes it so hard to heal!
About three years ago I reached out to his family/siblings. Their dad was an alcoholic and the youngest struggled with addiction(still is I think). I wanted to try to do an intervention. They wanted nothing to do with it and one blocked me on socials. FF to a year and a half ago. MY two cousins I grew up with (both in healthy relationships) re-kindled our relationship sharing memories, laughs, etc. After a while I let my guard down when they kept saying ‘its so wonderful you found a loving man’. I nearly lost it. What do I say? Do I say anything??? I finally told one cousin I was in a dysfunctional relationship. She immediately told her sister and they said I should leave. As Michelle stated a few posts ago, our money isn’t really our own and the disease breaks us financially. I am not wealthy like them. After they told me to leave (didn’t offer a place to go at the start) I told them my reasons for staying…crickets. Nothing! No fun texts, no calls, no socials comments. Like I don’t exist! Why did they do this to me? Re-enter my life then cast such devastating judgement on me? That was more brutal than living with an addict! My sister(another story) didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas this year. Petty. Sad. Hard to take.
Circling back….Michelle you are spot on again. If I want to leave he threatens me with taking my car away(co-signer). At this point, I have friends, recently semi-retired & a nice lake cottage to live in. He is sick. He keeps looking to the internet for things that will help with liver failure and other alcoholic side effects. 🙄 He knows. He knows he won’t be around to live his best retirement life. I am not sure if he will be healthy enough for a summer vacay. He sure talked himself out of going to visit friends in FL. Sorry so long. This post just hit me. 🙏🏼🩷thank you for this safe place.
I didn’t tell. Furthermore I even hid his drinking problem and abusive behaviors from MYSELF too. I thought if I could just make him see how wonderful I thought he was, that he would gratefully become that man. I told my kids that “Daddy really loves you. He just doesn’t know how to show you,” and “Daddy didn’t mean to scare you/hurt your feelings/spank you so hard.” (Yes, at the time, I thought spanking was okay; I do NOT believe that anymore!) I was in intense denial.
All of my protection of him did nothing at all to change him or help him. It only hurt me and my kids.
Because of LOA, I became able to see the truth and to take necessary steps to remove that cloak of shame and guilt which was smothering me. First, I was honest with myself; then I was honest with him. I told him I knew it all and I wasn’t going to cover up his drinking and bad behavior ever again. Next, I was honest with our kids, and apologized to them for not defending them or protecting them like they deserved. Over time, I was honest with his parents and mine. Then when he was arrested for DUI, his boss and coworker.
Boy, was husband angry! How dare I tell on him! he said. I stood my ground. “If you don’t want to be known as an alcoholic, then find out how not to be one,” I said, handing him back his problem.
He still drinks covertly, but exposure has taken some of the enjoyment out of it, I believe.
I feel better when I don’t talk about his issues so much. But sometimes I get irate and then I start venting. I think friends get worn out. I also don’t want be perceived as a victim or allow myself to get back into a victim
Mentality. I’ve been there and done that. But when I get really angry, I go to a Recovery group for co dependency. It helps a lot. Alanon did not help me.
Alanon did not work for me. The codependent group at our church was more effective healing and helped with coping. Taught me to focus on my self more and my health. At first it was by Celebrate Recovery and then the church counselor created his own program for our church Recovery. I liked celebrate are overt much more than Alanon. They wanted me to be soooo passive.
I told my husband's siblings several years ago. They were absolutely no help at all. I can't explain how much his 3 sisters shut me down. If I ever mention it, I get a response of "oh", or congratulate him if he only had 3 beers today, or that's got to be hard on him, or he's not any drunker than he usually is, or "I thought he had cut back". I could go on and on at how much this angers me. It actually got me to shut down to telling many other people, because I figured no one really wanted to hear about it. I have opened up to other people since then, and all have been sympathetic. I still can't believe the reaction I get from his family. And, they have all decided to not let mom know, because she is old and couldn't handle it. All I can figure that when he dies of it one day, I'll tell them that I told you so.
Amazing article. Thank you Michelle, you’ve saved my life these past 4 years. I am finally healing and moving ahead
Thank you Michelle for writing what so many of us are struggling with and thinking. I was told by AlAnon it is wrong to shame the alcoholic so the nondrinking spouse is supposed to suffer in silence and just keep attending meetings. I dislike Alanon meetings; I feel like it is a punishment for me because of him. I did tell his family about his addiction and alcohol problems but I was told they love him the way he is and keep it to myself. So here I am married to porn addiction, substances he obtains through the mail and alcohol. Right now he stopped the alcohol and cut back hugely on the substances he receives through the mail. (They come in a brown envelope and they are xanax and sleeping pills and tramadol). He had two break downs last year from his abuse and landed in the hospital. Now he is behaving but I have been married to him over 25 years and I know this is always temporary. He also has a personality like a covert narcissist and abuses me privately verbally. He's now 80 years old and at times he seems better but never would I ever trust him. I know he can slip back into his old ways in a heartbeat. Thank you for reading.
You have a terrific ability to hone in on the emotional issues that keep us attached yet in shame, connected, yet hiding...that icky feeling that makes it so hard to heal!
About three years ago I reached out to his family/siblings. Their dad was an alcoholic and the youngest struggled with addiction(still is I think). I wanted to try to do an intervention. They wanted nothing to do with it and one blocked me on socials. FF to a year and a half ago. MY two cousins I grew up with (both in healthy relationships) re-kindled our relationship sharing memories, laughs, etc. After a while I let my guard down when they kept saying ‘its so wonderful you found a loving man’. I nearly lost it. What do I say? Do I say anything??? I finally told one cousin I was in a dysfunctional relationship. She immediately told her sister and they said I should leave. As Michelle stated a few posts ago, our money isn’t really our own and the disease breaks us financially. I am not wealthy like them. After they told me to leave (didn’t offer a place to go at the start) I told them my reasons for staying…crickets. Nothing! No fun texts, no calls, no socials comments. Like I don’t exist! Why did they do this to me? Re-enter my life then cast such devastating judgement on me? That was more brutal than living with an addict! My sister(another story) didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas this year. Petty. Sad. Hard to take.
Circling back….Michelle you are spot on again. If I want to leave he threatens me with taking my car away(co-signer). At this point, I have friends, recently semi-retired & a nice lake cottage to live in. He is sick. He keeps looking to the internet for things that will help with liver failure and other alcoholic side effects. 🙄 He knows. He knows he won’t be around to live his best retirement life. I am not sure if he will be healthy enough for a summer vacay. He sure talked himself out of going to visit friends in FL. Sorry so long. This post just hit me. 🙏🏼🩷thank you for this safe place.
Thank you for sharing your story, Wendy.
I didn’t tell. Furthermore I even hid his drinking problem and abusive behaviors from MYSELF too. I thought if I could just make him see how wonderful I thought he was, that he would gratefully become that man. I told my kids that “Daddy really loves you. He just doesn’t know how to show you,” and “Daddy didn’t mean to scare you/hurt your feelings/spank you so hard.” (Yes, at the time, I thought spanking was okay; I do NOT believe that anymore!) I was in intense denial.
All of my protection of him did nothing at all to change him or help him. It only hurt me and my kids.
Because of LOA, I became able to see the truth and to take necessary steps to remove that cloak of shame and guilt which was smothering me. First, I was honest with myself; then I was honest with him. I told him I knew it all and I wasn’t going to cover up his drinking and bad behavior ever again. Next, I was honest with our kids, and apologized to them for not defending them or protecting them like they deserved. Over time, I was honest with his parents and mine. Then when he was arrested for DUI, his boss and coworker.
Boy, was husband angry! How dare I tell on him! he said. I stood my ground. “If you don’t want to be known as an alcoholic, then find out how not to be one,” I said, handing him back his problem.
He still drinks covertly, but exposure has taken some of the enjoyment out of it, I believe.
I feel better when I don’t talk about his issues so much. But sometimes I get irate and then I start venting. I think friends get worn out. I also don’t want be perceived as a victim or allow myself to get back into a victim
Mentality. I’ve been there and done that. But when I get really angry, I go to a Recovery group for co dependency. It helps a lot. Alanon did not help me.
Alanon did not work for me. The codependent group at our church was more effective healing and helped with coping. Taught me to focus on my self more and my health. At first it was by Celebrate Recovery and then the church counselor created his own program for our church Recovery. I liked celebrate are overt much more than Alanon. They wanted me to be soooo passive.