3 Reasons We Don't Talk About Loving Someone Suffering with Addiction
You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” - Anne Lamott
Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men and women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse disorder hold good jobs and earn a good living. Most of the time, they can help take care of the kids and household duties.
And because they are so high-functioning, it can leave you feeling nervous about sharing with friends and family just how bad things have become.
If we decide to use our voice and share with friends, family, and professionals about loving someone suffering from addiction, we might worry:
Will they believe you?
Will they blame you?
What if they are in denial and passively listen to you, but don't really hear you?
What if they deny, enable, or blame you?
Telling my parents the man I loved had a problem was a huge deal for me. For years, I kept his issues a secret. Sure, they could tell he would have a few too many drinks on Christmas or birthdays. But they really had no idea how much and how often he was drinking or using.
For me, there were three reasons I kept his disease close to the vest. Can you relate to any of these?
Guilt. We feel guilty for betraying them. We feel like this is their secret to tell. But secrets keep us alone, ashamed, and stuck. Keeping their disease a secret is letting the addiction win. You have every right to share with loved ones what they're struggling with because you’re struggling with this, too. That’s why they call addiction a family disease.
For years, I worried, "What if he found out that I told his parents he spends several nights a week drinking too much? Or that his drinking has turned into smoking pot and cocaine?" The funny, charming man they call their son was blowing through our life savings at the local liquor store.
If they confronted him - he would be so angry at me. And they did confront him and he was angry at me. But the more I spoke about it, the more educated we all became, and the more this disease began to lose control - over me.
Protection. We love them, and we want everyone else to love them too. We want everyone to see the real person we fell in love with and all their potential. We’re their biggest fan. And when they are sober, they can be the most loving and wonderful person on earth.
I wanted my friends and family to be my husband's biggest fans. I thought that if he felt loved and accepted, it might help him get sober. So I made it my J.O.B. to let everyone know just how wonderful he was. I would laugh a little harder at his jokes when people were around; I would mention how smart he was and how much he loved his children.
But…
There was also a part of me that wanted to protect his reputation because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. I always felt like the black sheep of the family, and if they saw I had made a mess of my marriage, it would just validate the fact that I would never be good enough.
Looking back, I was taking on the responsibility of his addiction. I was allowing myself to believe that his choices to get sober, tell the truth, and become a “better man” were somehow a result of how much and how well I loved him.
The truth is, I could have had a body like Barbie, a mind like Elizabeth Thatcher, and a heart like Mother Theresa, and he still would have had an issue with drugs and alcohol.
His addiction and all the dysfunction that comes it had nothing to do with me.
Endings. And lastly, I didn’t tell my friends and family that the person I loved was struggling so badly with drugs and alcohol because I was afraid they would tell me I needed to leave.
I loved him. We had three babies together. I loved my home, and the idea of leaving just seemed impossible. How could I give up and walk away? Where would I live? What would people think? How could I afford to be on my own? I didn’t have a ton of friends, my earning potential was just a little more than daycare, and my kids might blame me for breaking up a family. How would I make it on my own?
The questions were too overwhelming. The more I tried to answer those questions, the more afraid I became of being alone.
In the end, I did tell my family and friends about the pain and suffering my family was going through. And I ended up leaving him. I came to the conclusion that other people’s reactions to my life choices are not my concern. If they want to live in denial, try to blame me, or justify his poor choices, fine. I know the truth. I don’t need them to back me up. It would be nice to have their understanding - but I don’t need it. I needed to get out of this marriage and get my kids out of this dangerous situation. In the process, I became stronger than ever imagined. And it was the best decision I ever made. My kids thank me all the time. And now, people understand why I started using my voice and why I fought like hell for my freedom - when, at first, they might have had doubts.
Leaving is not for everyone. Your relationship doesn’t need to end in divorce or separation. But, I would encourage you to share your story with someone you can trust (friend, therapist, this group). You do deserve to receive attention and care - because you are suffering from addiction too, even if you’re not the one addicted.
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I told my husband's siblings several years ago. They were absolutely no help at all. I can't explain how much his 3 sisters shut me down. If I ever mention it, I get a response of "oh", or congratulate him if he only had 3 beers today, or that's got to be hard on him, or he's not any drunker than he usually is, or "I thought he had cut back". I could go on and on at how much this angers me. It actually got me to shut down to telling many other people, because I figured no one really wanted to hear about it. I have opened up to other people since then, and all have been sympathetic. I still can't believe the reaction I get from his family. And, they have all decided to not let mom know, because she is old and couldn't handle it. All I can figure that when he dies of it one day, I'll tell them that I told you so.
Amazing article. Thank you Michelle, you’ve saved my life these past 4 years. I am finally healing and moving ahead