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My issue isn’t bad mouthing my partner to anyone but just being so angry that I talk so badly to my partner. I seem to think everything that is wrong in my life is due to his addiction. To everyone on the outside we have the perfect relationship and that’s not healthy either. Ugh!

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When my hubby missed my birthday--yep, drunk by the time I rolled out of bed, excited to start my day--that was the straw. And I was MAD. Disgusted, disappointed, shocked... because I am so easy to please, he could have done the smallest thing, "Hey, let's go to that new place for lunch." Or, "Here's your supermarket cake and a tub of "frozen dessert." I would have been ECSTATIC. Seriously. Over the moon. But it enraged me, on my he heels of my having accomodated and comforted his entire extended family when his mom died in June. I COULD NOT STOP the words coming out of my mouth, even though I knew, as I said them (not nice, not nice at all), II wanted to shut my mouth. But I kept spewing venom. I was so disappointed in MYSELF for being that person! I called him from my new digs and apologized. I really felt better.

I also realized how angry I was at myself for expecting anything different. Nothing's changed--but the death of his mother seemed to give him pause, and I hoped his self-reflection during that time had tamed his thirst. But I set up unreasonable expectations and got mad at HIM for acting exactly like he has for years.

That's the issue, right? We do all the things we can to hold our marriages together, and we tolerate so much; when they don't give back, we are affronted. He didn't ask me to fix him or our marriage. I chose those behaviors. It is because he won't do what I want him to do that I'm upset.

I left. I'm on day 5 or 6 I think, and it isn't easy for one second, but it gets easi-ER every day. No one is late for bed and drunk, puking before breakfast, lounging in the recliner while I take care of the house. Just me. For now, that is enough.

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I’ve struggled for a long time with the balance between “bad mouthing” and holding in anger or walking on eggshells. Early in his active addiction, my husband protected the secrecy of his disease fiercely. I was the only person who knew - a terrible & crushing weight and responsibility that I held for about 3 years. Finally, after prompting by my therapist, I told one friend, the load got a little lighter. I told 2 more, and the load spread a little more. Although he’s 10 months sober, sometimes, I get mad (really, I get scared). For example, this weekend he shared he doesn’t want to medicate himself for his bipolar dual diagnosis. That makes me mad as hell - inside, I want to scream “Don’t you know that untreated mental health is a huge relapse risk?!” I’m working on trying to communicate my truth without devolving into anger or tears or anxiety - and to avoid keeping it inside and carrying it myself. I don’t have it perfected (I’m still carrying the anger, days later) but I’m trying to realign my thinking so that my goal is to share that truth and make his job is to pick it up from there. And, instead of bad mouth, I try to share my feelings & how I’m processing the anger with my friends who know so that I’m not short changing myself a circle of support because of the veil of shame around addiction. It’s a fine, gray line and so hard to walk!

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I feel the exact same way as Cheryl I too struggle with my anger towards my husband due to his addiction. Until then we had a great marriage. I find myself constantly lashing out because I cant or don't trust him as he keeps breaking my trust I feel like he is using me or doesn't care but deep down I know that's not true. I don't have an addictive personality so I don't understand how he cant just stop. especially if your hurting someone.

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I’m in the same exact boat. I can feel myself start to spiral over little things and I know it’s because of the resentment I hold. Some days I am fine and others I explode, and am then embarrassed by how I react and it’s a horrible cycle!

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Really tough day. I feel rootless and scared, now that I've left, and pretty resentful that my life has been turned upside down. Trying to focus on gratitude.

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To answer your question I am struggling with being at the point where I talk myself out of saying anything at all. I feel like my words are always turned around and used back on me.

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I STRONGLY disagree with this:

"When they get hurt by the addicted parent, tell them, "Daddy/Mommy is sick. They have a disease. There is nothing you can do to help them. Only they can decide when to get better. They love you very much."

When a child or anyone is harmed by abuse we need to focus our love and concern on the one harmed - NOT on the one who has done the harm.

Expecting that victims consider the "illness" of the abuser robs them of the love and compassion they need to heal.

There is really NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE.

Telling children that "Daddy/Mommy loves them" when they have been hurt is setting them up for forming similar trauma bonds when they are adults. ABUSE IS NOT LOVE!!!!!

To expect victims to have compassion for and "forgive" their abusers is telling them that their pain and need for safety does not matter.

Instead we need to offer understanding and PROTECTION for those who are harmed. Teaching that abuse is somehow "love" is causing further injury to a heart that is already broken.

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I know exactly what Michelle is saying, as well as what the other women are expressing. However, I may be in an older boat. I used to keep it all inside because I was so confused and hurt. I have screamed more than ever in my life (not my style) as the hateful things he says when he is drinking come out (and he is a trunk drinker, so I also have to play the guessing game of where we are with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) and it would trigger me. I would walk away and his text rants start. If I can't get him out of the house, I have to protect my four teenage girls (from my first marriage) so I am on high tweak. I would keep it down and my girls would then hear me being insulted and not sticking up for myself. I have lost my mind in anger and disappointment to the lying and the reality that I have gotten myself here. Too old to fake it, my daughters were too smart not to figure it out, my family and close friends saw me melting in front of their eyes as he put me in situations I could no longer cover for (locking me out of our home, screaming at me outside our home), that I told him he can have a fake like with his own family (in another state) but he was now fully exposed with my mine. Everyone close to me knows the situation, are now ready to help if I need it, I don't have to be embarrassed about showing up alone because they know why, I can tell them I am having a bad day and they get it. No one wants to hear the details anyway because they don't know why I haven't given up yet, but I now know I am not alone. It has not freed me from the situation, but has monumentally saved my sanity. I can now control my words to him most of the time (you ladies are right because it is embarrassing the things we can say in those moments of pure disdain for their actions/words), and my friends and family are spared my WTF rants because I just feel better not lying to the world as he does. I do not tolerate being treated like his drinking self treats me by anyone else in the world (I am confident and meaningful and strong in nature - my life was pretty fantastic before this was all unearthed), so it is just easier to say to others now that he has a disease, I know he is control of his actions and has not been able to end his behavior "yet", but I love him and am willing to hang in there as we move through all the rehab, AA, prescription, therapy scenarios (have moved from secretly drinking 4 times a week to twice a month over the past 3 years). I am actually proud of myself as I only occasionally consider myself an idiot for choosing to live this way and mostly think of myself as an unwavering optimist.

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I get angry and often ask him why he chooses this behavior. I can’t even go out for a nice dinner without getting stressed out about how much he will drink. Or away overnight he thinks he had to get drunk to celebrate. It’s been a long 24 years and I’m learning to live like I live on my own. The patterns of mood swings are getting so tiring.

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Good or bad, I defend his behavior to my family vs bad mouthing him. My AF has Bipolar 1. His addiction as a result is alcohol. We don’t yell at or bad mouth any other disease except addiction for some reason. While, yes, at the end of the day he needs to take responsibility for his conditions - I have told him numerous times that the focus should be on Bipolar and the rest will follow. The problem is the Bipolar drugs he takes every day are negated by the alcohol so he continues to remain in a stuck cycle. We have tried numerous dual diagnosis facilities but zero of them actual focus on the mental illness first. He is not giving up and thanks to Michelle I stopped giving up on myself the minute I discovered her. ❤️

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I do that to because it makes me angry. I went through the my alchohokic ex husband . I left him and took our three children . This was very hard. They say it gets worse before it gets better. So very true and I got through it. But.. I am remarried and my husband now drinks 1, 2,maybe 3 times a week . He’s a functioning alcoholic . He drinks as an excuse , a bad day, a good day, a frustrating day . He goes to see his friends or stays home and drinks in the garage which is also like being away because he never comes inside. It makes me angry because as soon as I get off of work and come home . I pull into the garage and he’s drinking. Sure he’s not hurting anyone he’s just sitting there watching tv maybe even hanging out with friends also sometimes he leaves after being in the garage drunk and going to the bar. I have told him time and again how it’s not that you talk to your friends it’s the fact that it’s a week night and you get off early and you drink from 4 to like 11:30 pm. If you weren’t wasted there wouldn’t be a problem. So , ya I have said things I should have like when the grandkids want to play operation I say let’s play grandpa . Do you notice how that belly of the operation guy looks like a an alcoholic belly and the face looks like the alcoholic when they’re wasted. I do need to work on not saying bad things but I think I do it because I’ve come to the point where I’m just really tired of it all and it his alcoholic self can not care I can to. And that isn’t right because I don’t need to be like him. See I do love him. He does love me but not every day. I love when you use the word strain because I feel strained with him. I love this podcast because it’s ok to be angry and it’s what we do with that anger. Oh and the next day after my husband drinks he goes to work but when he comes home he watches tv and relaxes watching tv. Sometimes he buys or makes food, the days I work later. But he hardly talks to me. Until the next day. It’s such a struggle and I am sick of hearing , when I met him he was a drinker so I knew he was a drinker . That is such an excuse for not taking responsibility for his actions ever

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Getting this message was on time. I don't won't to be that person. Often I struggle with what and when to speak out. AH 100 days sober today. I am thankful for less chaos in our home environment and his body and brain are recovering. My challenge is staying in the compassionate lane. Im frustrated because he is not working on himself. It feels like he is always fighting me. I miss the intimacy!!

I left a job that was exhausting and frustrating. So now I work to give myself more of what I need. Its a good day.

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