Bad Mouthing
A loving reminder about choosing your words carefully when you love someone suffering from addiction.
It's so nice to be back and writing for you again. Today's newsletter will be short and sweet because sometimes, reading and researching about this disease can feel overwhelming and become a chore.Â
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Many of us struggle with our words (I know I do), and due to our fear or anger, we say something that might hurt the ones we love or make us feel guilty. Â
Here are two loving reminders about using our selections of words carefully.Â
Bad Mouthing Them to Your Children
Your children deserve the right to form their own opinion about their parent, not inherit yours. Different children react differently. Some think their parent who suffers from addiction is a hero, some get angry, some are too young to understand and are indifferent. All of these reactions are ok.
When they get hurt by the addicted parent, tell them, "Daddy/Mommy is sick. They have a disease. There is nothing you can do to help them. Only they can decide when to get better. They love you very much." And then let them feel their feelings. Give their reaction to addiction space by actively listening. Be the safe spot they deserve by empathizing and reflecting back to them what you think they are saying.
Bad Mouthing Them to Your Friends & Family
Do you speak disrespectfully about your loved one to friends and family? No judgment here. Our goal is to be a person with integrity, dignity, and kind speech - even if the one we love is not showing us the same respect. You can speak of your pain and suffering, but choose words carefully.
Do you have a hard time with this? Me too:) I think we all do. We are growing together. What's one thing you are struggling with this week?
My issue isn’t bad mouthing my partner to anyone but just being so angry that I talk so badly to my partner. I seem to think everything that is wrong in my life is due to his addiction. To everyone on the outside we have the perfect relationship and that’s not healthy either. Ugh!
When my hubby missed my birthday--yep, drunk by the time I rolled out of bed, excited to start my day--that was the straw. And I was MAD. Disgusted, disappointed, shocked... because I am so easy to please, he could have done the smallest thing, "Hey, let's go to that new place for lunch." Or, "Here's your supermarket cake and a tub of "frozen dessert." I would have been ECSTATIC. Seriously. Over the moon. But it enraged me, on my he heels of my having accomodated and comforted his entire extended family when his mom died in June. I COULD NOT STOP the words coming out of my mouth, even though I knew, as I said them (not nice, not nice at all), II wanted to shut my mouth. But I kept spewing venom. I was so disappointed in MYSELF for being that person! I called him from my new digs and apologized. I really felt better.
I also realized how angry I was at myself for expecting anything different. Nothing's changed--but the death of his mother seemed to give him pause, and I hoped his self-reflection during that time had tamed his thirst. But I set up unreasonable expectations and got mad at HIM for acting exactly like he has for years.
That's the issue, right? We do all the things we can to hold our marriages together, and we tolerate so much; when they don't give back, we are affronted. He didn't ask me to fix him or our marriage. I chose those behaviors. It is because he won't do what I want him to do that I'm upset.
I left. I'm on day 5 or 6 I think, and it isn't easy for one second, but it gets easi-ER every day. No one is late for bed and drunk, puking before breakfast, lounging in the recliner while I take care of the house. Just me. For now, that is enough.