I’m in the thick of his lies.....what’s interesting is my need to stay in denial all these years - maybe it was survival, or the need to stay in some hope thinking he will get better.
But I do know that the disease does progress. And as it progresses so do the lies. And once the first drink hits for the binge of that time of year (always always same pattern of time of year) the intensity of all of it is there and increases each time more rapidly.
I read a read a post yesterday on an online co-dependent fb group and a lady described that when her using (drugs and alcohol) AH starts up, herself and the guys mom brings him more beer and the drug of choice to him in his recliner.....and for a moment I judged and was like, oh hell no, I couldn’t do that.
But honestly I have enabled in this way on all parts in a smaller version of this. I have tip-toed around him, I haven’t been my authentic self and have been a muted version for years by trying to navigate the waters of the disease, I have myself had drinks here and there with him knowing what this is, I have brought him countless times to the hospital to detox, I have pussy foot around the topic of what his problem truly does to our family and I have completely enabled his behavior by staying in the marriage never making the major changes myself.
And so as I read, become more awake, more convicted to loving and learning about myself, the more I know truly everything we learn here and at Alanon is so so true. We just don’t want to hear it because we think our way is the better way. It isn’t.
Ultimately the way, the best way is to keep loving ourselves, getting strong within ourselves, shifting focus to ourselves and being the ones to create change.
Trust me, the addict won’t do it. They can’t. But we can.
We do what we can to adjust to a terrible situation. If that means enabling for our own sanity in that moment, so be it. We can do better another day when we feel stronger and are in a better place emotionally and mentally. And, unfortunately, there will be other times.
Hi Michelle. I left my abuser 16 days ago and I just want to thank you for the strength your podcast has provided me over the past month as I prepped to leave. It is foreign for me to be strong in my wants and needs and your voice really pushed me toward that leap that I needed. I took my kids to a DV shelter and it was beyond awful and stressful to transition but now we are home and he’s in jail. Everything has worked out and now I’m on the other side of this mountain. You pushed me toward my courage. I cherish you so much, thank you Michelle
How do we stop lying to ourselves, though? That is so much harder than the user's lies. And how do we stop self-sabotage so we get enough sleep, get the work done that we need to do, find joy in life rather than seeing only the difficult all time? And how do we get the confidence and self-trust to know what is right for ourselves rather than everyone else around us? I'm so tired. And confused. And so.damn.sad. All the time. And lonely. God, I'm lonely. NM. I'll figure it out on my own. I've been doing that my whole life anyway.
Boy, do I know how you feel. I was there for a long time. Like anything else, you just have to do the work. Define your boundaries - how YOU will act and behave, not how you want your AH to behave. For me, it was things like not bailing him out of jail anymore and not traveling with him where drinking was the main attraction (e.g, casinos or AI vacations). Or leaving the room when he comes home drunk after work. Then do your best to stick to them. It’s really F’ing hard, and you’ll stumble. This is where you need to be kind to yourself.
Thanks for explaining your sabbatical to us Michelle, glad to hear your batteries have been recharged. Oh how we’ve missed you… as I pour my cup of joe and settle into listen, gratitude overflows in my kitchen. Keep up the good work Michelle, this community needs you.
Thanks Michelle! It was lovely to hear your voice again as I've always found it so incredibly calming. The lying...oomph. It's such a hard thing to process. We love these people so much and can't fathom how they could keep lying to us and breaking our trust time and time again! And you hit the nail on the head with the judgement I give myself for staying bc who would stay with a liar!?! There's more, of course, to my story and why I choose to stay and how confusing it is sometimes about if/when I should go. But I am at peace right now with my decision based on the hard work I've done on myself over the last 2 months and I know every day is not full of peace, but I will take any amount of peace in this type of situation. Thankful for my higher power for that and thankful for Michelle and all her hard work and support she gives.
Michelle thank you so much for sharing with us. I don't think you realize how many people you have positively impacted and have helped. Me being one of them. I still listen to your podcast over and over. I get different things out of them every time I listen. You helped me realize I am not alone. I left with my 3 young boys all under 7 from my abusive AH last summer. The divorce just went through last week. And I know without a doubt that your voice, your podcast helped guide me and helped me to realize everything I was feeling was ok to feel and normal and I was not alone. Thank you and please keep talking to us💖 you truly are a light
This hit me hard. I finally made the decision to leave my AH and told him yesterday. He refuses to go to counseling, and even when he went, he would be drunk every night within hours of getting home from it. He knows more than professionals and doesn’t need their help. Saturday evening I caught him by accident coming in from our garage with his “travel water mug” that he had just added vodka to. That was it for me. I told him Sunday morning that I am moving out. I can no longer live this life. His answer “I can do better”. He has said that to me no less than 10 times in the last year and has progressively gotten much worse. It’s heart breaking to see how alcohol has destroyed him BUT I will no longer let it destroy me. My uncle just purchased a home near me that he will use in the winter months. He told me he is happy to have me live there until I can get the logistics in place for getting my own home again. I do feel a higher power is guiding me. I also feel sad that someone I loved so much could destroy what we had (17 years together and he had a drinking problem for all those years) with his addiction to vodka.
Every time I am on here, I am amazed at how much my situation is just like others. (,But my husband uses one of those really big insulated clear cups--Thinks he is fooling me since it looks like water.) I am sooo glad you have a place to go while you get yourself ready for a new home.
Michelle, Thank you for recording this episode. I can't tell you how comforting it was to hear your voice. My husband is in the thick of heavy heavy drinking and has been for a long time. I fear the worst is coming and to just hear your voice brought me to tears and made me feel better. Thank you! ❤️
There’s something about your voice, Michelle, that just calms the swirl in my head. My divorce became final about 2 weeks ago, and every day I feel freer from the chaos, but I still appreciate your words. Thank you!
I feel your pain..I was there.My spouse a meth addict. Then constant fear ,worries of this and having to pretend everything was okay ..having to cope with my job..I had not peace in my life.
I fell into a real depression and ended up taking time off work ..I cried a lot.
I want back onto SSRI meds for help with this depression
.once I felt stronger to deal with the handling of this addiction its became much easier to cope with.Michelle program helped me a lot on how to deal with this behaviour.
Today he uses much less..he is more open with me on his addiction since I am not longer ridiculing him or judging him over it.I am stronger due to the extra help they antidepressants have provided.Please consider seeing your Dr.perhaps this will also help you.
No one like to take these type of meds but they if it helps us stay sane to me its is worth it.
Not alone. We all know, and we all feel like that at some time. Years of this, and at least I don't, 't feel devastated by his choices. It's been a looooonnnmhgg painful trip. I may revert back to that mindset again sometime. But for now, I am at least not crying. That's a win for me.
I dont want to leave but dont know how to stay either. What is the answer to this sort of push/pull stay/go struggle? I love him and he is amazing. But he is also so hard to love and respect. 🤷♀️ 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I am hurting for you. I have felt that push/pull for so long.i've been so deeply committed to the idea he's going to stop to save EVERYTHING he cares about. But he does the same thing time after time. And I continue to deceive myself b/c I WANT to be married to him, we love each other, we are best friends. But not when he drinks, which has become, over the years, more and more often, more and more vodka.
I am writing from my BNB, staying here while searching for an apt. (I recognize how lucky I am to be able to do that, and that all this is even harder for women who fewer resources. I hate that $$ forces ANY woman to stay with an addict and/or abuser.) Even as I right, I wonder: what will we be next? Will we lose each other or stay friends? Will he kill himself with the training wheels (me) off? Is he glad I'm gone so he can drink in peace? Will he ever make amends to ANYONE? I feel confident right now that I won't cohabitate unless/until he does that and gets support for abstinence. Shame on me if I finally get here and then go back to the same. I HOPE I can use this momentum to push forward past the hardest part and toward my own life of joy and independence.
Meanwhile, familee85, like others have said, it's your journey, and no one can tell you what is best for you. But I CAN say that the choices are almost always to leave or to live like this. It's a sad fact that few of them, in varying states of addiction, get sober just because you want them to or even because it's best for them. That is the hardest for me., giving up on him making a good choice when he doesn't even want to stop.
Yeah. Im coming to that realization as well. I have decided today to buy the art course Ive wanted to take for a few years. It is going to cost about 300$ a month and he keeps telling me we dont have the money for it, but really? If you can spend money on cigs, pot, booze, lawyers, etc, I think I am allowed to spend money on an art course. If I do this I pray I get good enough to make a living out of it and can finally get out. If I hate the course I can cancel payments, right? I dont know If it will work for me, but I finally decided to do something for me. Perhaps it will help give me some confidence eventually so I can make a better choice whether to stay or go. Eho knows? But something has to change and at least this is a place to start. We are vroke though. So.damn. broke! Financial Lee f***ed up 🤷♀️
i dont want to leave! But I do want the art course. but i dont know how to afford it. but i dont know how i cant do this because if not now, when? Aggh! what do i do?
Thank you so much for this "voicemail". I really needed this today. This disease can be "crazy-making" and it helped me to identify how I was really beating up on myself today for staying all these years and believing when it hasn't worked out time and time again. Your kind words and tone of voice were so healing. Thank you.
I lost my husband to addiction (and depression) but this is still so soothing and necessary to hear - that you weren’t duped, but believing the best in them and seeing their potential is a reflection of the best part of you. Thank you so much for this ❤️
I’m in the thick of his lies.....what’s interesting is my need to stay in denial all these years - maybe it was survival, or the need to stay in some hope thinking he will get better.
But I do know that the disease does progress. And as it progresses so do the lies. And once the first drink hits for the binge of that time of year (always always same pattern of time of year) the intensity of all of it is there and increases each time more rapidly.
I read a read a post yesterday on an online co-dependent fb group and a lady described that when her using (drugs and alcohol) AH starts up, herself and the guys mom brings him more beer and the drug of choice to him in his recliner.....and for a moment I judged and was like, oh hell no, I couldn’t do that.
But honestly I have enabled in this way on all parts in a smaller version of this. I have tip-toed around him, I haven’t been my authentic self and have been a muted version for years by trying to navigate the waters of the disease, I have myself had drinks here and there with him knowing what this is, I have brought him countless times to the hospital to detox, I have pussy foot around the topic of what his problem truly does to our family and I have completely enabled his behavior by staying in the marriage never making the major changes myself.
And so as I read, become more awake, more convicted to loving and learning about myself, the more I know truly everything we learn here and at Alanon is so so true. We just don’t want to hear it because we think our way is the better way. It isn’t.
Ultimately the way, the best way is to keep loving ourselves, getting strong within ourselves, shifting focus to ourselves and being the ones to create change.
Trust me, the addict won’t do it. They can’t. But we can.
🤍
We do what we can to adjust to a terrible situation. If that means enabling for our own sanity in that moment, so be it. We can do better another day when we feel stronger and are in a better place emotionally and mentally. And, unfortunately, there will be other times.
Couldn't have said it better myself. I always have to remind myself I am doing the very best I can.
Hi Michelle. I left my abuser 16 days ago and I just want to thank you for the strength your podcast has provided me over the past month as I prepped to leave. It is foreign for me to be strong in my wants and needs and your voice really pushed me toward that leap that I needed. I took my kids to a DV shelter and it was beyond awful and stressful to transition but now we are home and he’s in jail. Everything has worked out and now I’m on the other side of this mountain. You pushed me toward my courage. I cherish you so much, thank you Michelle
OMG, I am glad things are better for you now. It's so hard to leave!
How do we stop lying to ourselves, though? That is so much harder than the user's lies. And how do we stop self-sabotage so we get enough sleep, get the work done that we need to do, find joy in life rather than seeing only the difficult all time? And how do we get the confidence and self-trust to know what is right for ourselves rather than everyone else around us? I'm so tired. And confused. And so.damn.sad. All the time. And lonely. God, I'm lonely. NM. I'll figure it out on my own. I've been doing that my whole life anyway.
Boy, do I know how you feel. I was there for a long time. Like anything else, you just have to do the work. Define your boundaries - how YOU will act and behave, not how you want your AH to behave. For me, it was things like not bailing him out of jail anymore and not traveling with him where drinking was the main attraction (e.g, casinos or AI vacations). Or leaving the room when he comes home drunk after work. Then do your best to stick to them. It’s really F’ing hard, and you’ll stumble. This is where you need to be kind to yourself.
Thanks for explaining your sabbatical to us Michelle, glad to hear your batteries have been recharged. Oh how we’ve missed you… as I pour my cup of joe and settle into listen, gratitude overflows in my kitchen. Keep up the good work Michelle, this community needs you.
Thanks Michelle! It was lovely to hear your voice again as I've always found it so incredibly calming. The lying...oomph. It's such a hard thing to process. We love these people so much and can't fathom how they could keep lying to us and breaking our trust time and time again! And you hit the nail on the head with the judgement I give myself for staying bc who would stay with a liar!?! There's more, of course, to my story and why I choose to stay and how confusing it is sometimes about if/when I should go. But I am at peace right now with my decision based on the hard work I've done on myself over the last 2 months and I know every day is not full of peace, but I will take any amount of peace in this type of situation. Thankful for my higher power for that and thankful for Michelle and all her hard work and support she gives.
Michelle thank you so much for sharing with us. I don't think you realize how many people you have positively impacted and have helped. Me being one of them. I still listen to your podcast over and over. I get different things out of them every time I listen. You helped me realize I am not alone. I left with my 3 young boys all under 7 from my abusive AH last summer. The divorce just went through last week. And I know without a doubt that your voice, your podcast helped guide me and helped me to realize everything I was feeling was ok to feel and normal and I was not alone. Thank you and please keep talking to us💖 you truly are a light
This hit me hard. I finally made the decision to leave my AH and told him yesterday. He refuses to go to counseling, and even when he went, he would be drunk every night within hours of getting home from it. He knows more than professionals and doesn’t need their help. Saturday evening I caught him by accident coming in from our garage with his “travel water mug” that he had just added vodka to. That was it for me. I told him Sunday morning that I am moving out. I can no longer live this life. His answer “I can do better”. He has said that to me no less than 10 times in the last year and has progressively gotten much worse. It’s heart breaking to see how alcohol has destroyed him BUT I will no longer let it destroy me. My uncle just purchased a home near me that he will use in the winter months. He told me he is happy to have me live there until I can get the logistics in place for getting my own home again. I do feel a higher power is guiding me. I also feel sad that someone I loved so much could destroy what we had (17 years together and he had a drinking problem for all those years) with his addiction to vodka.
Every time I am on here, I am amazed at how much my situation is just like others. (,But my husband uses one of those really big insulated clear cups--Thinks he is fooling me since it looks like water.) I am sooo glad you have a place to go while you get yourself ready for a new home.
Michelle, Thank you for recording this episode. I can't tell you how comforting it was to hear your voice. My husband is in the thick of heavy heavy drinking and has been for a long time. I fear the worst is coming and to just hear your voice brought me to tears and made me feel better. Thank you! ❤️
There’s something about your voice, Michelle, that just calms the swirl in my head. My divorce became final about 2 weeks ago, and every day I feel freer from the chaos, but I still appreciate your words. Thank you!
Your voice is so extremely comforting. So thank you! This couldn’t have came at a better time for me so thank you for this!
I feel your pain..I was there.My spouse a meth addict. Then constant fear ,worries of this and having to pretend everything was okay ..having to cope with my job..I had not peace in my life.
I fell into a real depression and ended up taking time off work ..I cried a lot.
I want back onto SSRI meds for help with this depression
.once I felt stronger to deal with the handling of this addiction its became much easier to cope with.Michelle program helped me a lot on how to deal with this behaviour.
Today he uses much less..he is more open with me on his addiction since I am not longer ridiculing him or judging him over it.I am stronger due to the extra help they antidepressants have provided.Please consider seeing your Dr.perhaps this will also help you.
No one like to take these type of meds but they if it helps us stay sane to me its is worth it.
Best of luck to you Dear
You are brave.
Not alone. We all know, and we all feel like that at some time. Years of this, and at least I don't, 't feel devastated by his choices. It's been a looooonnnmhgg painful trip. I may revert back to that mindset again sometime. But for now, I am at least not crying. That's a win for me.
I dont want to leave but dont know how to stay either. What is the answer to this sort of push/pull stay/go struggle? I love him and he is amazing. But he is also so hard to love and respect. 🤷♀️ 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
I am hurting for you. I have felt that push/pull for so long.i've been so deeply committed to the idea he's going to stop to save EVERYTHING he cares about. But he does the same thing time after time. And I continue to deceive myself b/c I WANT to be married to him, we love each other, we are best friends. But not when he drinks, which has become, over the years, more and more often, more and more vodka.
I am writing from my BNB, staying here while searching for an apt. (I recognize how lucky I am to be able to do that, and that all this is even harder for women who fewer resources. I hate that $$ forces ANY woman to stay with an addict and/or abuser.) Even as I right, I wonder: what will we be next? Will we lose each other or stay friends? Will he kill himself with the training wheels (me) off? Is he glad I'm gone so he can drink in peace? Will he ever make amends to ANYONE? I feel confident right now that I won't cohabitate unless/until he does that and gets support for abstinence. Shame on me if I finally get here and then go back to the same. I HOPE I can use this momentum to push forward past the hardest part and toward my own life of joy and independence.
Meanwhile, familee85, like others have said, it's your journey, and no one can tell you what is best for you. But I CAN say that the choices are almost always to leave or to live like this. It's a sad fact that few of them, in varying states of addiction, get sober just because you want them to or even because it's best for them. That is the hardest for me., giving up on him making a good choice when he doesn't even want to stop.
Prayers...
Yeah. Im coming to that realization as well. I have decided today to buy the art course Ive wanted to take for a few years. It is going to cost about 300$ a month and he keeps telling me we dont have the money for it, but really? If you can spend money on cigs, pot, booze, lawyers, etc, I think I am allowed to spend money on an art course. If I do this I pray I get good enough to make a living out of it and can finally get out. If I hate the course I can cancel payments, right? I dont know If it will work for me, but I finally decided to do something for me. Perhaps it will help give me some confidence eventually so I can make a better choice whether to stay or go. Eho knows? But something has to change and at least this is a place to start. We are vroke though. So.damn. broke! Financial Lee f***ed up 🤷♀️
i dont want to leave! But I do want the art course. but i dont know how to afford it. but i dont know how i cant do this because if not now, when? Aggh! what do i do?
I am in the same position. Need help. 🙏
Thank you so much for this "voicemail". I really needed this today. This disease can be "crazy-making" and it helped me to identify how I was really beating up on myself today for staying all these years and believing when it hasn't worked out time and time again. Your kind words and tone of voice were so healing. Thank you.
I lost my husband to addiction (and depression) but this is still so soothing and necessary to hear - that you weren’t duped, but believing the best in them and seeing their potential is a reflection of the best part of you. Thank you so much for this ❤️
Hearing your voice... there is so much strength, love, compassion and power in it. Love listening to you and trying to absorb all of it. Thank you!