A loving "voicemail" reminding you to be kind... to yourself.
I’m in the thick of his lies.....what’s interesting is my need to stay in denial all these years - maybe it was survival, or the need to stay in some hope thinking he will get better.
But I do know that the disease does progress. And as it progresses so do the lies. And once the first drink hits for the binge of that time of year (always always same pattern of time of year) the intensity of all of it is there and increases each time more rapidly.
I read a read a post yesterday on an online co-dependent fb group and a lady described that when her using (drugs and alcohol) AH starts up, herself and the guys mom brings him more beer and the drug of choice to him in his recliner.....and for a moment I judged and was like, oh hell no, I couldn’t do that.
But honestly I have enabled in this way on all parts in a smaller version of this. I have tip-toed around him, I haven’t been my authentic self and have been a muted version for years by trying to navigate the waters of the disease, I have myself had drinks here and there with him knowing what this is, I have brought him countless times to the hospital to detox, I have pussy foot around the topic of what his problem truly does to our family and I have completely enabled his behavior by staying in the marriage never making the major changes myself.
And so as I read, become more awake, more convicted to loving and learning about myself, the more I know truly everything we learn here and at Alanon is so so true. We just don’t want to hear it because we think our way is the better way. It isn’t.
Ultimately the way, the best way is to keep loving ourselves, getting strong within ourselves, shifting focus to ourselves and being the ones to create change.
Trust me, the addict won’t do it. They can’t. But we can.
Hi Michelle. I left my abuser 16 days ago and I just want to thank you for the strength your podcast has provided me over the past month as I prepped to leave. It is foreign for me to be strong in my wants and needs and your voice really pushed me toward that leap that I needed. I took my kids to a DV shelter and it was beyond awful and stressful to transition but now we are home and he’s in jail. Everything has worked out and now I’m on the other side of this mountain. You pushed me toward my courage. I cherish you so much, thank you Michelle
Thanks for explaining your sabbatical to us Michelle, glad to hear your batteries have been recharged. Oh how we’ve missed you… as I pour my cup of joe and settle into listen, gratitude overflows in my kitchen. Keep up the good work Michelle, this community needs you.
How do we stop lying to ourselves, though? That is so much harder than the user's lies. And how do we stop self-sabotage so we get enough sleep, get the work done that we need to do, find joy in life rather than seeing only the difficult all time? And how do we get the confidence and self-trust to know what is right for ourselves rather than everyone else around us? I'm so tired. And confused. And so.damn.sad. All the time. And lonely. God, I'm lonely. NM. I'll figure it out on my own. I've been doing that my whole life anyway.
Thanks Michelle! It was lovely to hear your voice again as I've always found it so incredibly calming. The lying...oomph. It's such a hard thing to process. We love these people so much and can't fathom how they could keep lying to us and breaking our trust time and time again! And you hit the nail on the head with the judgement I give myself for staying bc who would stay with a liar!?! There's more, of course, to my story and why I choose to stay and how confusing it is sometimes about if/when I should go. But I am at peace right now with my decision based on the hard work I've done on myself over the last 2 months and I know every day is not full of peace, but I will take any amount of peace in this type of situation. Thankful for my higher power for that and thankful for Michelle and all her hard work and support she gives.
Michelle thank you so much for sharing with us. I don't think you realize how many people you have positively impacted and have helped. Me being one of them. I still listen to your podcast over and over. I get different things out of them every time I listen. You helped me realize I am not alone. I left with my 3 young boys all under 7 from my abusive AH last summer. The divorce just went through last week. And I know without a doubt that your voice, your podcast helped guide me and helped me to realize everything I was feeling was ok to feel and normal and I was not alone. Thank you and please keep talking to us💖 you truly are a light
This hit me hard. I finally made the decision to leave my AH and told him yesterday. He refuses to go to counseling, and even when he went, he would be drunk every night within hours of getting home from it. He knows more than professionals and doesn’t need their help. Saturday evening I caught him by accident coming in from our garage with his “travel water mug” that he had just added vodka to. That was it for me. I told him Sunday morning that I am moving out. I can no longer live this life. His answer “I can do better”. He has said that to me no less than 10 times in the last year and has progressively gotten much worse. It’s heart breaking to see how alcohol has destroyed him BUT I will no longer let it destroy me. My uncle just purchased a home near me that he will use in the winter months. He told me he is happy to have me live there until I can get the logistics in place for getting my own home again. I do feel a higher power is guiding me. I also feel sad that someone I loved so much could destroy what we had (17 years together and he had a drinking problem for all those years) with his addiction to vodka.
Michelle, Thank you for recording this episode. I can't tell you how comforting it was to hear your voice. My husband is in the thick of heavy heavy drinking and has been for a long time. I fear the worst is coming and to just hear your voice brought me to tears and made me feel better. Thank you! ❤️
There’s something about your voice, Michelle, that just calms the swirl in my head. My divorce became final about 2 weeks ago, and every day I feel freer from the chaos, but I still appreciate your words. Thank you!
Your voice is so extremely comforting. So thank you! This couldn’t have came at a better time for me so thank you for this!
I feel your pain..I was there.My spouse a meth addict. Then constant fear ,worries of this and having to pretend everything was okay ..having to cope with my job..I had not peace in my life.
I fell into a real depression and ended up taking time off work ..I cried a lot.
I want back onto SSRI meds for help with this depression
.once I felt stronger to deal with the handling of this addiction its became much easier to cope with.Michelle program helped me a lot on how to deal with this behaviour.
Today he uses much less..he is more open with me on his addiction since I am not longer ridiculing him or judging him over it.I am stronger due to the extra help they antidepressants have provided.Please consider seeing your Dr.perhaps this will also help you.
No one like to take these type of meds but they if it helps us stay sane to me its is worth it.
Best of luck to you Dear
Not alone. We all know, and we all feel like that at some time. Years of this, and at least I don't, 't feel devastated by his choices. It's been a looooonnnmhgg painful trip. I may revert back to that mindset again sometime. But for now, I am at least not crying. That's a win for me.
I dont want to leave but dont know how to stay either. What is the answer to this sort of push/pull stay/go struggle? I love him and he is amazing. But he is also so hard to love and respect. 🤷♀️ 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Thank you so much for this "voicemail". I really needed this today. This disease can be "crazy-making" and it helped me to identify how I was really beating up on myself today for staying all these years and believing when it hasn't worked out time and time again. Your kind words and tone of voice were so healing. Thank you.
Hearing your voice... there is so much strength, love, compassion and power in it. Love listening to you and trying to absorb all of it. Thank you!
Tough day. I need to keep my detachment process on track, but it ain't easy! He's having a GREAT TIME while I am lonely and scared. I know not to tell him that, because it would just be another argument, which is why I left in the first place. I know there's more than what shows on the surface of Party Boy's demeanor; he is still a very sick person with fatty liver, diabetes, high blood pressure, and of course addiction. At the bottom of it, I just want him to get well and for me to get past it. It's hard in the moment when it seems like he is glad I am gone. 😞