This is so me... I have been steadily reminding myself to not be my husband’s caretaker over and over, because I keep slipping back (making him doctor’s appointments, giving him a haircut when he neglects himself for months, describing his issues as “health problems” rather than alcohol addiction). I recently watched him on our security cameras to confront him about driving drunk. I’ve put my foot down and given him an ultimatum (which I know won’t “change” him).
The ultimatum date for him to make a decision is tomorrow. I think maybe I did it to give myself permission to leave? To prove to myself that even in the face of losing our marriage, he will not choose to change?
Struggling, but grateful to read I’m not the only one...
Wow... this brings back so many memories of how obsessed I was trying to find ways to make him better.
All those numbered things.. and more.
If only I tried harder. If only he would hear what I said. If only I could find a way to get through to him.
The sick feeling in my stomach knowing he was gonna get high even though he PROMISED. The anxiety every single time he left the house. Sleeping with my purse.
The many nights he didn't come home. The worry he was dead. The hope he was in jail.
The shame of wondering why I stayed when I KNEW this was his problem and not mine.
The countless hours I listened to Michelle's podcasts. They were a light in my darkness.
Then, I was like.... I don't care anymore. Go ahead you jerk. Go. Don't. Come. Back.
You have no hope. No future. Nothing but your drug and i hope you rot with it.
I was low key planning on bouncing on him and going to my daughter's house and NEVER coming back. I would rather have nothing than this pain, anxiety, shame, and anguish.
Then, one day.. he stopped. It's been over a year.
God, how life changes if they stop.
Once in a while now we talk about the "dark times" which I labeled the highlight reel.
There are still days when I think about it and I can't believe I lived through it.
I tell him it's given me PTSD. I believe that with my whole heart.
I learned so much about myself with his addiction. I learned that I am strong. I am smart. I am kind, giving, and generous.
What I will never be again? Stuck.
I pray he stays sober. Of course I hope he maintains his sobriety. But, if he doesn't, good luck to him... and... a new chapter for me.
It took me awhile to understand that me 'helping' was me enabling. It doesn't make sense but yet it does. I did all of those things, but when I stopped doing those things it made a huge difference for me. It felt like I was not caring anymore but I realized that I still cared, I just wasn't going to let his addiction control me like it does him. So, all of the internet searching, alcohol stash searching, therapist searching, all the talking (me doing the talking) and crying and trying to get him to understand what he is doing to himself...it all stopped. It took me a few years to realize all of this, it didn't happen overnight. I wanted to help him to control his addiction and I now know that you can not help them. You can support them but they have to figure it out. My currently SAH is on a good path right now. Do I worry that he will deviate? Definitely, but I can't live day to day thinking like that. I have had to turn the focus back on me. So, I take care of myself. I only can control what I do and how I live. It has been a long road but I think it is working for us. He finally said a few months ago that he no longer wants to be an alcoholic. That he wants to beat it. So, I totally support him but he makes all of his own decisions on how he is working through it. He does not do AA. He tried but just can't get past the AA rituals. He has found other recovery programs that he is more comfortable with. He has been getting Acupuncture detox. He has starting seeing a therapist one-on-one. He does struggle with the therapist because he is not comfortable with the whole concept of therapy but he is currently sticking with it. He also has found at-home projects to keep him busy and is trying to incorporate more exercise. It's a slow process but it's working. I know that it can all come crashing down but I try to keep positive and focus on myself and keeping myself healthy and strong both mentally and physically.
I am on the other side of this ! I no longer am that enabler . Now my journey of healing continues . The triggers from my alcoholic ex are real ! I am better than I was two years ago . The trauma is real !!!
I find myself feeling sorry for those still stuck in the cycle. It’s not easy to leave !!! But it was so worth it !!!
Life can be so much better without “helping” your addicted loved one !!!
May 26, 2023·edited May 26, 2023Liked by Michelle Anderson
Hi all, I have quietly listened to Love Over Addiction for several years. One episode hit me deeply when Michelle said that if we choose to stay, that we must commit to the work of healing ourselves, as that is ultimately the only thing we can control. I have taken many positive, concrete steps since then and am now poised to leave but struggling with the lesser of two evils (stay or go) as our daughter has one more year til she is off to college. For now, I choose to detach from the toxicity of my AH, but struggle with the deepest aspects of self care… and in those moments simply take the next easiest step in a positive direction, be it a shower, a walk or calling a friend. Thank you for listening.
The moment he has his first drink of the day I find a reason to be in another room or another location without talking about it. I may simply say “I am taking a bath” or “I am going to organize my closet”. When I can, I remove myself from the situation.
my AH came home and had been drinking, and tried to lie about it. we were planning on going out to dinner so I’m sittting at a fun little mexican restaurant by myself feeling very independent, strong and I can’t wipe the grin off my face!!
I’m so happy to have a forum with Michelle, and all of you once again! I made the move of separating from my AH three years ago.... so we live separately but still own a business together. I still have to see his drinking and the results of it; but I go to my safe beautiful home that is all mine when things get unbearable. My concern is.... I haven’t divorced. I use the business as an excuse sometimes; the complications of splitting it all.... but I wonder if this is just another way of enabling? I’d appreciate input.....
So hard to see myself in black and white. So hard to give up control of our future when there are 2 people who have to cooperate to plan it--but there's only me.
My answer up until a few years ago was no, not taking care of me. So 2 years ago i HAD to start assessing my life after physically lashing out at my addict. He , my 92 year old mom and i went for a nice meal for her bday and he acted like a complete a--. I stayed away for 4 days and was still livid so brought home a notebk to communicate without having to look at or talk to him. Took me another week to trust myself talking to him again. Months later it happened again on the way to a drs appt. After the dr saw me so emotional i let him know i was 24 years into marriage w a pain pill addict. He added sleeping meds and anti- anxiety meds to my daily med lineup. So now of 8 meds some daily some often 7 are because of stress and anxiety. I had to get our children involved after my lashing out and it feels very freeing. I am now back to walking, listening to music, patio gardening and in general looking outward instead of inward feeling sorry for myself. I stay because we did have some good years and also because he cannot live alone.
My husband is literally skin and bones right now because he's barely eating; and I keep trying to figure out what I can buy to get him to eat; and I just keep getting more and more worried about him. I'm trying not to enable him AND I also don't want him to die. He just doesn't seem to care about his own health.
BTW my life isn’t Disneyland. I still need a day of downtime after i have a busy day and sometimes stare at tv all day for days but i’ve begun to smile, laugh and really start living again.
“All the exhausting efforts you’ve made to save the one you love… are they working?
Have they stopped drinking or using drugs long-term because of something you said or did?”
Nothing I did or said made any difference except to drive his drinking more underground and to drive me more crazy trying to control the uncontrollable.
I enabled his drinking by bailing him out of jail, going to court with him to support him, by driving him to and from work for a year, by telling myself he was just a hurting little boy who didn’t understand what he was doing and couldn’t help it, by covering up his drinking to his parents and his children, by tolerating his bad behavior in order to keep the peace, by counseling him about his drinking, by crying and begging him to stop drinking to prove he loved me, by helping him up off the floor then to bed, by going outside in the dark woods searching for him…so. many. ways.
Love Over Addiction and AlAnon taught me a better way to live. I now live my life instead of his. I let him fall. I let him lie right where he falls.
Michelle, you shared a saying that I’ve kept close to my heart:
This really resonates with me. I have been trying to focus on myself. He then tells me in an accusing way that he feels me pulling away. When he is sober I explain why he feels this. When he is drunk again he verbally hurls it at me as an accusation again, as something that doesn't "help" his struggles with sobriety. There is no way to reason with him when he's drinking so I sit silently while he verbally assaults me. I don't feel that I can walk away as we're in a public place. I don't want to respond and escalate, especially in a public place, and it wouldn't matter anyway as he's inebriated and not in the mood to listen or to understand. All of this to say, I believe in what you're saying and I'm just saying for me at least it is a real challenge. Any help in navigating this is appreciated.
This is hard, it's like a one step forward, three steps back dance. Trying to not be an enabler sometimes causes more arguments than not, and when you get so exhausted trying to be strong and take care of yourself, then it's just so easy to let it slide this one time or whatever. I'm constantly reminding myself to just keep my mouth shut, and while I've certainly come a long way in learning how to say no and put boundaries in place, I've still got so much further to go!
I’ve never had this happen to me before, I’m guessing it was around a month ago I completely broke down, and uncontrollably started sobbing. So much that I couldn’t even stand, and I fell to my knees and cried for a good 3-4 minutes and then picked myself up wipe my face off and got back to being a mother. Today I haven’t broke down yet, but I am on the verge of exploding, I have held back to tears. I feel like my heart feels like it’s as big as my chest and my eyes keep swelling up with tears. I can’t even think or focus because my mind is running like crazy.
This is so me... I have been steadily reminding myself to not be my husband’s caretaker over and over, because I keep slipping back (making him doctor’s appointments, giving him a haircut when he neglects himself for months, describing his issues as “health problems” rather than alcohol addiction). I recently watched him on our security cameras to confront him about driving drunk. I’ve put my foot down and given him an ultimatum (which I know won’t “change” him).
The ultimatum date for him to make a decision is tomorrow. I think maybe I did it to give myself permission to leave? To prove to myself that even in the face of losing our marriage, he will not choose to change?
Struggling, but grateful to read I’m not the only one...
Wow... this brings back so many memories of how obsessed I was trying to find ways to make him better.
All those numbered things.. and more.
If only I tried harder. If only he would hear what I said. If only I could find a way to get through to him.
The sick feeling in my stomach knowing he was gonna get high even though he PROMISED. The anxiety every single time he left the house. Sleeping with my purse.
The many nights he didn't come home. The worry he was dead. The hope he was in jail.
The shame of wondering why I stayed when I KNEW this was his problem and not mine.
The countless hours I listened to Michelle's podcasts. They were a light in my darkness.
Then, I was like.... I don't care anymore. Go ahead you jerk. Go. Don't. Come. Back.
You have no hope. No future. Nothing but your drug and i hope you rot with it.
I was low key planning on bouncing on him and going to my daughter's house and NEVER coming back. I would rather have nothing than this pain, anxiety, shame, and anguish.
Then, one day.. he stopped. It's been over a year.
God, how life changes if they stop.
Once in a while now we talk about the "dark times" which I labeled the highlight reel.
There are still days when I think about it and I can't believe I lived through it.
I tell him it's given me PTSD. I believe that with my whole heart.
I learned so much about myself with his addiction. I learned that I am strong. I am smart. I am kind, giving, and generous.
What I will never be again? Stuck.
I pray he stays sober. Of course I hope he maintains his sobriety. But, if he doesn't, good luck to him... and... a new chapter for me.
It took me awhile to understand that me 'helping' was me enabling. It doesn't make sense but yet it does. I did all of those things, but when I stopped doing those things it made a huge difference for me. It felt like I was not caring anymore but I realized that I still cared, I just wasn't going to let his addiction control me like it does him. So, all of the internet searching, alcohol stash searching, therapist searching, all the talking (me doing the talking) and crying and trying to get him to understand what he is doing to himself...it all stopped. It took me a few years to realize all of this, it didn't happen overnight. I wanted to help him to control his addiction and I now know that you can not help them. You can support them but they have to figure it out. My currently SAH is on a good path right now. Do I worry that he will deviate? Definitely, but I can't live day to day thinking like that. I have had to turn the focus back on me. So, I take care of myself. I only can control what I do and how I live. It has been a long road but I think it is working for us. He finally said a few months ago that he no longer wants to be an alcoholic. That he wants to beat it. So, I totally support him but he makes all of his own decisions on how he is working through it. He does not do AA. He tried but just can't get past the AA rituals. He has found other recovery programs that he is more comfortable with. He has been getting Acupuncture detox. He has starting seeing a therapist one-on-one. He does struggle with the therapist because he is not comfortable with the whole concept of therapy but he is currently sticking with it. He also has found at-home projects to keep him busy and is trying to incorporate more exercise. It's a slow process but it's working. I know that it can all come crashing down but I try to keep positive and focus on myself and keeping myself healthy and strong both mentally and physically.
I am on the other side of this ! I no longer am that enabler . Now my journey of healing continues . The triggers from my alcoholic ex are real ! I am better than I was two years ago . The trauma is real !!!
I find myself feeling sorry for those still stuck in the cycle. It’s not easy to leave !!! But it was so worth it !!!
Life can be so much better without “helping” your addicted loved one !!!
Hi all, I have quietly listened to Love Over Addiction for several years. One episode hit me deeply when Michelle said that if we choose to stay, that we must commit to the work of healing ourselves, as that is ultimately the only thing we can control. I have taken many positive, concrete steps since then and am now poised to leave but struggling with the lesser of two evils (stay or go) as our daughter has one more year til she is off to college. For now, I choose to detach from the toxicity of my AH, but struggle with the deepest aspects of self care… and in those moments simply take the next easiest step in a positive direction, be it a shower, a walk or calling a friend. Thank you for listening.
The moment he has his first drink of the day I find a reason to be in another room or another location without talking about it. I may simply say “I am taking a bath” or “I am going to organize my closet”. When I can, I remove myself from the situation.
I’m doing it y’all!!! (my first time)
my AH came home and had been drinking, and tried to lie about it. we were planning on going out to dinner so I’m sittting at a fun little mexican restaurant by myself feeling very independent, strong and I can’t wipe the grin off my face!!
I’m so happy to have a forum with Michelle, and all of you once again! I made the move of separating from my AH three years ago.... so we live separately but still own a business together. I still have to see his drinking and the results of it; but I go to my safe beautiful home that is all mine when things get unbearable. My concern is.... I haven’t divorced. I use the business as an excuse sometimes; the complications of splitting it all.... but I wonder if this is just another way of enabling? I’d appreciate input.....
So hard to see myself in black and white. So hard to give up control of our future when there are 2 people who have to cooperate to plan it--but there's only me.
Trying to care for myself...
My answer up until a few years ago was no, not taking care of me. So 2 years ago i HAD to start assessing my life after physically lashing out at my addict. He , my 92 year old mom and i went for a nice meal for her bday and he acted like a complete a--. I stayed away for 4 days and was still livid so brought home a notebk to communicate without having to look at or talk to him. Took me another week to trust myself talking to him again. Months later it happened again on the way to a drs appt. After the dr saw me so emotional i let him know i was 24 years into marriage w a pain pill addict. He added sleeping meds and anti- anxiety meds to my daily med lineup. So now of 8 meds some daily some often 7 are because of stress and anxiety. I had to get our children involved after my lashing out and it feels very freeing. I am now back to walking, listening to music, patio gardening and in general looking outward instead of inward feeling sorry for myself. I stay because we did have some good years and also because he cannot live alone.
My husband is literally skin and bones right now because he's barely eating; and I keep trying to figure out what I can buy to get him to eat; and I just keep getting more and more worried about him. I'm trying not to enable him AND I also don't want him to die. He just doesn't seem to care about his own health.
BTW my life isn’t Disneyland. I still need a day of downtime after i have a busy day and sometimes stare at tv all day for days but i’ve begun to smile, laugh and really start living again.
“All the exhausting efforts you’ve made to save the one you love… are they working?
Have they stopped drinking or using drugs long-term because of something you said or did?”
Nothing I did or said made any difference except to drive his drinking more underground and to drive me more crazy trying to control the uncontrollable.
I enabled his drinking by bailing him out of jail, going to court with him to support him, by driving him to and from work for a year, by telling myself he was just a hurting little boy who didn’t understand what he was doing and couldn’t help it, by covering up his drinking to his parents and his children, by tolerating his bad behavior in order to keep the peace, by counseling him about his drinking, by crying and begging him to stop drinking to prove he loved me, by helping him up off the floor then to bed, by going outside in the dark woods searching for him…so. many. ways.
Love Over Addiction and AlAnon taught me a better way to live. I now live my life instead of his. I let him fall. I let him lie right where he falls.
Michelle, you shared a saying that I’ve kept close to my heart:
“Leave him lay where Jesus flang him.”
This really resonates with me. I have been trying to focus on myself. He then tells me in an accusing way that he feels me pulling away. When he is sober I explain why he feels this. When he is drunk again he verbally hurls it at me as an accusation again, as something that doesn't "help" his struggles with sobriety. There is no way to reason with him when he's drinking so I sit silently while he verbally assaults me. I don't feel that I can walk away as we're in a public place. I don't want to respond and escalate, especially in a public place, and it wouldn't matter anyway as he's inebriated and not in the mood to listen or to understand. All of this to say, I believe in what you're saying and I'm just saying for me at least it is a real challenge. Any help in navigating this is appreciated.
This is hard, it's like a one step forward, three steps back dance. Trying to not be an enabler sometimes causes more arguments than not, and when you get so exhausted trying to be strong and take care of yourself, then it's just so easy to let it slide this one time or whatever. I'm constantly reminding myself to just keep my mouth shut, and while I've certainly come a long way in learning how to say no and put boundaries in place, I've still got so much further to go!
I’ve never had this happen to me before, I’m guessing it was around a month ago I completely broke down, and uncontrollably started sobbing. So much that I couldn’t even stand, and I fell to my knees and cried for a good 3-4 minutes and then picked myself up wipe my face off and got back to being a mother. Today I haven’t broke down yet, but I am on the verge of exploding, I have held back to tears. I feel like my heart feels like it’s as big as my chest and my eyes keep swelling up with tears. I can’t even think or focus because my mind is running like crazy.