This is so me... I have been steadily reminding myself to not be my husband’s caretaker over and over, because I keep slipping back (making him doctor’s appointments, giving him a haircut when he neglects himself for months, describing his issues as “health problems” rather than alcohol addiction). I recently watched him on our security cameras to confront him about driving drunk. I’ve put my foot down and given him an ultimatum (which I know won’t “change” him).
The ultimatum date for him to make a decision is tomorrow. I think maybe I did it to give myself permission to leave? To prove to myself that even in the face of losing our marriage, he will not choose to change?
Struggling, but grateful to read I’m not the only one...
Hi Rebecca, before I found Michelle I had given my AH the ultimatum. That was in 2021 and I am still with him. Love over addiction taught me to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. I told him I was wrong for giving him that ultimatum and that he needed to stop drinking for himself. He then started noticing me slipping away because for the first time (in my life actually) I started putting myself first. He said THIS scared him. He has been to rehab twice and continues to try to stop and tells me he will not give up until he is sober. I tell him “good for you” (in a loving way) and continue to battle NOT enabling him.
Thank you for this Jill. It helps. I hear you about the distance. I’ve been creating some space for me. My own bedroom retreat. Pursuing my own interests even if he can’t/won’t participate. Not waiting for him to be ready to participate, but enjoying what life has to offer.
I think what you describe is how I see my current best case scenario playing out (I have no allusions about a dramatic conversion). Worst case scenario? Indifference, continued denial, continued destructive behaviors. It helps to hear how others are handling similar situations.
Wow... this brings back so many memories of how obsessed I was trying to find ways to make him better.
All those numbered things.. and more.
If only I tried harder. If only he would hear what I said. If only I could find a way to get through to him.
The sick feeling in my stomach knowing he was gonna get high even though he PROMISED. The anxiety every single time he left the house. Sleeping with my purse.
The many nights he didn't come home. The worry he was dead. The hope he was in jail.
The shame of wondering why I stayed when I KNEW this was his problem and not mine.
The countless hours I listened to Michelle's podcasts. They were a light in my darkness.
Then, I was like.... I don't care anymore. Go ahead you jerk. Go. Don't. Come. Back.
You have no hope. No future. Nothing but your drug and i hope you rot with it.
I was low key planning on bouncing on him and going to my daughter's house and NEVER coming back. I would rather have nothing than this pain, anxiety, shame, and anguish.
Then, one day.. he stopped. It's been over a year.
God, how life changes if they stop.
Once in a while now we talk about the "dark times" which I labeled the highlight reel.
There are still days when I think about it and I can't believe I lived through it.
I tell him it's given me PTSD. I believe that with my whole heart.
I learned so much about myself with his addiction. I learned that I am strong. I am smart. I am kind, giving, and generous.
What I will never be again? Stuck.
I pray he stays sober. Of course I hope he maintains his sobriety. But, if he doesn't, good luck to him... and... a new chapter for me.
After relapses and IOP and an ER detox stay and more relapses and Rehab and more relapses, I finally hit the wall. I told him that I no longer wanted to hear his excuses or his apologies. They no longer meant anything to me and I no longer cared. I asked him if he thought he had hit his rock bottom. He told me yes. I told him no because he had not changed, because he was still relapsing. I told him his rock bottom is when he loses his job, his house and his wife. Don't let it get to that. But at the rate he was going, it was going to happen. I think that scared the sh*! out of him! Fingers crossed, he has been working really hard to remain sober. I hope it continues but I am willing to uproot myself for my own sanity if it comes down to that.
I understand that. That glimmer of hope. You're almost afraid to feel it. The "plan B" if you get disappointed. Again. I had to keep repeating a mantra that I wasn't the cause and I can't be the cure. The only thing I could do was be supportive when good choices were made. With all my heart, I hope he stays sober. ❤️
Yes. Ty for saying you had stopped caring for awhile because i have, too. When i let go of the supportive role as his life manager i found no feelings left. There was also a boundary around my emotions. I no longer open up to him to share good or bad things. Stopped most conversations with him. All we talk about is our elderly mom’s in nursing care and pass on info concerning our children.
My therapist explain it as I have built up walls around me that are there to protect myself. Physically and mentally. It has taken time to build these walls. Each time he relapses they get taller. They are there to protect me from the hurt and disappointment. At this point it could take years for those walls to break down. Yes, it's a detachment. I used this analogy to explain to my AH as to why I am not emotionally or physically present in our relationship. He understands but yet still doesn't understand. He thinks that since he has been sober for a solid couple of months that I should be back in with both feet. But his addiction has caused big trust issues and it could take years for those walls to come down. So, for now it's protecting me and it will continue that way until I am ready.
It took me awhile to understand that me 'helping' was me enabling. It doesn't make sense but yet it does. I did all of those things, but when I stopped doing those things it made a huge difference for me. It felt like I was not caring anymore but I realized that I still cared, I just wasn't going to let his addiction control me like it does him. So, all of the internet searching, alcohol stash searching, therapist searching, all the talking (me doing the talking) and crying and trying to get him to understand what he is doing to himself...it all stopped. It took me a few years to realize all of this, it didn't happen overnight. I wanted to help him to control his addiction and I now know that you can not help them. You can support them but they have to figure it out. My currently SAH is on a good path right now. Do I worry that he will deviate? Definitely, but I can't live day to day thinking like that. I have had to turn the focus back on me. So, I take care of myself. I only can control what I do and how I live. It has been a long road but I think it is working for us. He finally said a few months ago that he no longer wants to be an alcoholic. That he wants to beat it. So, I totally support him but he makes all of his own decisions on how he is working through it. He does not do AA. He tried but just can't get past the AA rituals. He has found other recovery programs that he is more comfortable with. He has been getting Acupuncture detox. He has starting seeing a therapist one-on-one. He does struggle with the therapist because he is not comfortable with the whole concept of therapy but he is currently sticking with it. He also has found at-home projects to keep him busy and is trying to incorporate more exercise. It's a slow process but it's working. I know that it can all come crashing down but I try to keep positive and focus on myself and keeping myself healthy and strong both mentally and physically.
Sandra, where ever his sobriety journey takes him, the current positive attitude and his positive actions can’t be undone even if he slips. He will always have these things in his tool-kit to draw upon and build upon in the future.
I am on the other side of this ! I no longer am that enabler . Now my journey of healing continues . The triggers from my alcoholic ex are real ! I am better than I was two years ago . The trauma is real !!!
I find myself feeling sorry for those still stuck in the cycle. It’s not easy to leave !!! But it was so worth it !!!
Life can be so much better without “helping” your addicted loved one !!!
May 26, 2023·edited May 26, 2023Liked by Michelle Anderson
Hi all, I have quietly listened to Love Over Addiction for several years. One episode hit me deeply when Michelle said that if we choose to stay, that we must commit to the work of healing ourselves, as that is ultimately the only thing we can control. I have taken many positive, concrete steps since then and am now poised to leave but struggling with the lesser of two evils (stay or go) as our daughter has one more year til she is off to college. For now, I choose to detach from the toxicity of my AH, but struggle with the deepest aspects of self care… and in those moments simply take the next easiest step in a positive direction, be it a shower, a walk or calling a friend. Thank you for listening.
The moment he has his first drink of the day I find a reason to be in another room or another location without talking about it. I may simply say “I am taking a bath” or “I am going to organize my closet”. When I can, I remove myself from the situation.
my AH came home and had been drinking, and tried to lie about it. we were planning on going out to dinner so I’m sittting at a fun little mexican restaurant by myself feeling very independent, strong and I can’t wipe the grin off my face!!
I’m so happy to have a forum with Michelle, and all of you once again! I made the move of separating from my AH three years ago.... so we live separately but still own a business together. I still have to see his drinking and the results of it; but I go to my safe beautiful home that is all mine when things get unbearable. My concern is.... I haven’t divorced. I use the business as an excuse sometimes; the complications of splitting it all.... but I wonder if this is just another way of enabling? I’d appreciate input.....
Anita, you can get legally separated so you can separate your finances. That's what I did 5 years ago because I was very concerned he would put us in debt and I'd be in huge financial trouble. Legally you are still married, but the finances are separate. You need to talk to a lawyer for details in your area that could work for you. It definitely gave me peace of mind. We sold our home and I purchased my own place and my bills are my own now. Hope you find a solution that works for you.
May 27, 2023·edited May 27, 2023Liked by Michelle Anderson
Thx for commenting…. We separated our personal finances without legal assistance…. I live in our home; he lives in an apartment at our business. I just still feel emotionally toed and can be very frustrating
So hard to see myself in black and white. So hard to give up control of our future when there are 2 people who have to cooperate to plan it--but there's only me.
My answer up until a few years ago was no, not taking care of me. So 2 years ago i HAD to start assessing my life after physically lashing out at my addict. He , my 92 year old mom and i went for a nice meal for her bday and he acted like a complete a--. I stayed away for 4 days and was still livid so brought home a notebk to communicate without having to look at or talk to him. Took me another week to trust myself talking to him again. Months later it happened again on the way to a drs appt. After the dr saw me so emotional i let him know i was 24 years into marriage w a pain pill addict. He added sleeping meds and anti- anxiety meds to my daily med lineup. So now of 8 meds some daily some often 7 are because of stress and anxiety. I had to get our children involved after my lashing out and it feels very freeing. I am now back to walking, listening to music, patio gardening and in general looking outward instead of inward feeling sorry for myself. I stay because we did have some good years and also because he cannot live alone.
He CAN. When he chooses what he wants for himself. I am in that boat, too, imagining my presence is keeping him alive. But it's HIS CHOICE to lose everything and die a lonely, painful death if he doesn't stop. We can't be their babysitters. (I say this as much to remind myself as to respond to you. I am right there with you.)
Yes...... so many days i send a text just so I know he woke up when he replies. I remember Michelle saying death is always stocking us. Also I’ve learned we are experiencing ‘living grief’ because we have lost our loved one but they’re still here; and we’re always expecting the worst
Very true. Sometimes when i am gone 1/2 the day caring for my elderly mother i find that he seems to feel good enough to nuke a pot pie. After his falls i usually wait on him for a week or so depending on severity. Thks for reminder Tara.
My husband is literally skin and bones right now because he's barely eating; and I keep trying to figure out what I can buy to get him to eat; and I just keep getting more and more worried about him. I'm trying not to enable him AND I also don't want him to die. He just doesn't seem to care about his own health.
They don't really care about their own health when they are in the throes of addiction. You can't force anyone to do anything though. I know it's scary and heartbreaking.... The only solace I can offer you is, I don't think anyone has actually starved to death from addiction. I know it isn't much, but I hope it helps.
Same here. He also is diabetic and has chronic severe gastritis ( 6 immodium/ day). His daily motivation is getting those pills down if he has them, hibernating if he’s out and searching for street pills when his 2 week Rx has only lasted 6 days. I gave him a hug for our 26th anniversary( the first years were good and he was a good step-dad helping me understand my 2 sons as they were growing) but otherwise don’t because he is skin and bones.
A, there’s a skeleton over here, too. From a healthy 225 pounds to 185. Two years later down to 155. G I doctor says nothing found but he eats like normal.
BTW my life isn’t Disneyland. I still need a day of downtime after i have a busy day and sometimes stare at tv all day for days but i’ve begun to smile, laugh and really start living again.
“All the exhausting efforts you’ve made to save the one you love… are they working?
Have they stopped drinking or using drugs long-term because of something you said or did?”
Nothing I did or said made any difference except to drive his drinking more underground and to drive me more crazy trying to control the uncontrollable.
I enabled his drinking by bailing him out of jail, going to court with him to support him, by driving him to and from work for a year, by telling myself he was just a hurting little boy who didn’t understand what he was doing and couldn’t help it, by covering up his drinking to his parents and his children, by tolerating his bad behavior in order to keep the peace, by counseling him about his drinking, by crying and begging him to stop drinking to prove he loved me, by helping him up off the floor then to bed, by going outside in the dark woods searching for him…so. many. ways.
Love Over Addiction and AlAnon taught me a better way to live. I now live my life instead of his. I let him fall. I let him lie right where he falls.
Michelle, you shared a saying that I’ve kept close to my heart:
This really resonates with me. I have been trying to focus on myself. He then tells me in an accusing way that he feels me pulling away. When he is sober I explain why he feels this. When he is drunk again he verbally hurls it at me as an accusation again, as something that doesn't "help" his struggles with sobriety. There is no way to reason with him when he's drinking so I sit silently while he verbally assaults me. I don't feel that I can walk away as we're in a public place. I don't want to respond and escalate, especially in a public place, and it wouldn't matter anyway as he's inebriated and not in the mood to listen or to understand. All of this to say, I believe in what you're saying and I'm just saying for me at least it is a real challenge. Any help in navigating this is appreciated.
Oh, how they manage to lie and manipulate no matter if they are sober or not. The whole 'poor me' , you don't pay attention to me. You don't care about me. Me, me, me...They have no idea what they are doing. It's all the alcohol. Don't waste your time trying to reason with him when he is inebriated. But I wouldn't stay and take the abuse either. If you are out and he starts up, immediately excuse yourself to use the "restroom". Break the cycle by leaving. See if that throws him off. If you do go out, then you drive. That way you have the option to leave if he gets out of control. Get other people involved. I had to call my AH family - his brothers. I was trying to hide the fact that he is an alcoholic. Don't. Don't try to do this alone. I finally started telling most of my friends, then my family, then his friends. You have to make him be accountable to others besides you. It's not easy but you will start realizing that many people have experience with an addict and they get it. You will have more support than you ever imagined. There are some recovery programs that are geared towards family and friends. I would recommend trying to find one. If he's not going to reach out for help, you need to. You need to get help in how to navigate through this. If you have not listened to the Love over Addiction podcasts, then do it. I especially found them helpful when Michelle interviewed other women about their stories. I was always able to get something out of those. There was one interview that really hit me when the woman was talking how he was sucking her into his addiction by things that he said and did. Holy cow did that resonate with me. That is exactly what they do. They try to find ways to manipulate you into their addiction. So you have to figure that out and how to not let that happen. It's tricky. But you start figuring out the pattern and then you will figure out how to break that pattern. Do it for you, not for him. At this point you have to concentrate on you. He will either realize he needs help or he won't. You can't control his decisions. So yes, If he is accusing you of pulling away...Tell him that is exactly what you are doing because you are not going to get sucked into his addiction.
I can relate to this. I allowed myself to get sucked into the cycle of BS recently. I suppose this is apart of the cycle with an alcoholic- there needs to be some one to blame/dump/abuse; yet, at the same time, someone to engage/rescue/volunteer to scapegoat themselves. Got off the phone feeling disappointed in the lack of progress with myself.
I am just now seeing him objectively enough to recognize not only his typical tactics (lying hiding sneaking blaming threatening--emtionally--gas lighting etc etc etc). but also a very painful truth that he is far more skilled than that. He has learned to sense when I pull away, to do just enough to seem sincere in his "renewed effort." Then slowly returning to his previous behaviors and dropping whatever he'd committed to do: AA counselling groups psychiatrist meds etc etc. He has learned to say the things that will convince me. No, not the same words every time. New ones that match what he senses I need to hear. Never ending. I am working at breaking the cycle through self care and stronger boundaries. And, as I told him once some months ago, maybe he's just a jerk. I don't want to be with a jerk.
Oh the manipulation! He had that down before we met and hit me with it before i really knew he took pain meds pretty regularly. It’s really hard to see because they brag and play themselves up to you and when your eyes are dazzled they start in on the grooming so you will see life thru their addicted reasoning. When my blinders began to loosen it was all sooo obvious.
This is hard, it's like a one step forward, three steps back dance. Trying to not be an enabler sometimes causes more arguments than not, and when you get so exhausted trying to be strong and take care of yourself, then it's just so easy to let it slide this one time or whatever. I'm constantly reminding myself to just keep my mouth shut, and while I've certainly come a long way in learning how to say no and put boundaries in place, I've still got so much further to go!
I’ve never had this happen to me before, I’m guessing it was around a month ago I completely broke down, and uncontrollably started sobbing. So much that I couldn’t even stand, and I fell to my knees and cried for a good 3-4 minutes and then picked myself up wipe my face off and got back to being a mother. Today I haven’t broke down yet, but I am on the verge of exploding, I have held back to tears. I feel like my heart feels like it’s as big as my chest and my eyes keep swelling up with tears. I can’t even think or focus because my mind is running like crazy.
This is so me... I have been steadily reminding myself to not be my husband’s caretaker over and over, because I keep slipping back (making him doctor’s appointments, giving him a haircut when he neglects himself for months, describing his issues as “health problems” rather than alcohol addiction). I recently watched him on our security cameras to confront him about driving drunk. I’ve put my foot down and given him an ultimatum (which I know won’t “change” him).
The ultimatum date for him to make a decision is tomorrow. I think maybe I did it to give myself permission to leave? To prove to myself that even in the face of losing our marriage, he will not choose to change?
Struggling, but grateful to read I’m not the only one...
Hi Rebecca, before I found Michelle I had given my AH the ultimatum. That was in 2021 and I am still with him. Love over addiction taught me to stop focusing on him and start focusing on me. I told him I was wrong for giving him that ultimatum and that he needed to stop drinking for himself. He then started noticing me slipping away because for the first time (in my life actually) I started putting myself first. He said THIS scared him. He has been to rehab twice and continues to try to stop and tells me he will not give up until he is sober. I tell him “good for you” (in a loving way) and continue to battle NOT enabling him.
Thank you for this Jill. It helps. I hear you about the distance. I’ve been creating some space for me. My own bedroom retreat. Pursuing my own interests even if he can’t/won’t participate. Not waiting for him to be ready to participate, but enjoying what life has to offer.
I think what you describe is how I see my current best case scenario playing out (I have no allusions about a dramatic conversion). Worst case scenario? Indifference, continued denial, continued destructive behaviors. It helps to hear how others are handling similar situations.
The ultimatums I’ve issued mine never returned the results I wanted. The decision if I stay or go isn’t his anyway: it’s all mine.
Wow... this brings back so many memories of how obsessed I was trying to find ways to make him better.
All those numbered things.. and more.
If only I tried harder. If only he would hear what I said. If only I could find a way to get through to him.
The sick feeling in my stomach knowing he was gonna get high even though he PROMISED. The anxiety every single time he left the house. Sleeping with my purse.
The many nights he didn't come home. The worry he was dead. The hope he was in jail.
The shame of wondering why I stayed when I KNEW this was his problem and not mine.
The countless hours I listened to Michelle's podcasts. They were a light in my darkness.
Then, I was like.... I don't care anymore. Go ahead you jerk. Go. Don't. Come. Back.
You have no hope. No future. Nothing but your drug and i hope you rot with it.
I was low key planning on bouncing on him and going to my daughter's house and NEVER coming back. I would rather have nothing than this pain, anxiety, shame, and anguish.
Then, one day.. he stopped. It's been over a year.
God, how life changes if they stop.
Once in a while now we talk about the "dark times" which I labeled the highlight reel.
There are still days when I think about it and I can't believe I lived through it.
I tell him it's given me PTSD. I believe that with my whole heart.
I learned so much about myself with his addiction. I learned that I am strong. I am smart. I am kind, giving, and generous.
What I will never be again? Stuck.
I pray he stays sober. Of course I hope he maintains his sobriety. But, if he doesn't, good luck to him... and... a new chapter for me.
That’s powerful 💪🏻👊🏻
After relapses and IOP and an ER detox stay and more relapses and Rehab and more relapses, I finally hit the wall. I told him that I no longer wanted to hear his excuses or his apologies. They no longer meant anything to me and I no longer cared. I asked him if he thought he had hit his rock bottom. He told me yes. I told him no because he had not changed, because he was still relapsing. I told him his rock bottom is when he loses his job, his house and his wife. Don't let it get to that. But at the rate he was going, it was going to happen. I think that scared the sh*! out of him! Fingers crossed, he has been working really hard to remain sober. I hope it continues but I am willing to uproot myself for my own sanity if it comes down to that.
I understand that. That glimmer of hope. You're almost afraid to feel it. The "plan B" if you get disappointed. Again. I had to keep repeating a mantra that I wasn't the cause and I can't be the cure. The only thing I could do was be supportive when good choices were made. With all my heart, I hope he stays sober. ❤️
Love your mantra. It really hits home for my co-dependent traits.
Uprooting...that takes ALOT of bravery and i applaud you.
Yes. Ty for saying you had stopped caring for awhile because i have, too. When i let go of the supportive role as his life manager i found no feelings left. There was also a boundary around my emotions. I no longer open up to him to share good or bad things. Stopped most conversations with him. All we talk about is our elderly mom’s in nursing care and pass on info concerning our children.
My therapist explain it as I have built up walls around me that are there to protect myself. Physically and mentally. It has taken time to build these walls. Each time he relapses they get taller. They are there to protect me from the hurt and disappointment. At this point it could take years for those walls to break down. Yes, it's a detachment. I used this analogy to explain to my AH as to why I am not emotionally or physically present in our relationship. He understands but yet still doesn't understand. He thinks that since he has been sober for a solid couple of months that I should be back in with both feet. But his addiction has caused big trust issues and it could take years for those walls to come down. So, for now it's protecting me and it will continue that way until I am ready.
Personally, I think it's our mind's way of protecting us from the pain and disappointment. It's like you need to detach or you go crazy.
So agree! After i crossed the line w my built up anger i saw that as a mental break of sorts. Detaching was the option i had not tried and it’s
made such a difference for my mental state.
It took me awhile to understand that me 'helping' was me enabling. It doesn't make sense but yet it does. I did all of those things, but when I stopped doing those things it made a huge difference for me. It felt like I was not caring anymore but I realized that I still cared, I just wasn't going to let his addiction control me like it does him. So, all of the internet searching, alcohol stash searching, therapist searching, all the talking (me doing the talking) and crying and trying to get him to understand what he is doing to himself...it all stopped. It took me a few years to realize all of this, it didn't happen overnight. I wanted to help him to control his addiction and I now know that you can not help them. You can support them but they have to figure it out. My currently SAH is on a good path right now. Do I worry that he will deviate? Definitely, but I can't live day to day thinking like that. I have had to turn the focus back on me. So, I take care of myself. I only can control what I do and how I live. It has been a long road but I think it is working for us. He finally said a few months ago that he no longer wants to be an alcoholic. That he wants to beat it. So, I totally support him but he makes all of his own decisions on how he is working through it. He does not do AA. He tried but just can't get past the AA rituals. He has found other recovery programs that he is more comfortable with. He has been getting Acupuncture detox. He has starting seeing a therapist one-on-one. He does struggle with the therapist because he is not comfortable with the whole concept of therapy but he is currently sticking with it. He also has found at-home projects to keep him busy and is trying to incorporate more exercise. It's a slow process but it's working. I know that it can all come crashing down but I try to keep positive and focus on myself and keeping myself healthy and strong both mentally and physically.
Sandra, where ever his sobriety journey takes him, the current positive attitude and his positive actions can’t be undone even if he slips. He will always have these things in his tool-kit to draw upon and build upon in the future.
I am on the other side of this ! I no longer am that enabler . Now my journey of healing continues . The triggers from my alcoholic ex are real ! I am better than I was two years ago . The trauma is real !!!
I find myself feeling sorry for those still stuck in the cycle. It’s not easy to leave !!! But it was so worth it !!!
Life can be so much better without “helping” your addicted loved one !!!
Hi all, I have quietly listened to Love Over Addiction for several years. One episode hit me deeply when Michelle said that if we choose to stay, that we must commit to the work of healing ourselves, as that is ultimately the only thing we can control. I have taken many positive, concrete steps since then and am now poised to leave but struggling with the lesser of two evils (stay or go) as our daughter has one more year til she is off to college. For now, I choose to detach from the toxicity of my AH, but struggle with the deepest aspects of self care… and in those moments simply take the next easiest step in a positive direction, be it a shower, a walk or calling a friend. Thank you for listening.
“...next easiest step in a positive direction ...” brilliant. ⭐️
The moment he has his first drink of the day I find a reason to be in another room or another location without talking about it. I may simply say “I am taking a bath” or “I am going to organize my closet”. When I can, I remove myself from the situation.
I’m doing it y’all!!! (my first time)
my AH came home and had been drinking, and tried to lie about it. we were planning on going out to dinner so I’m sittting at a fun little mexican restaurant by myself feeling very independent, strong and I can’t wipe the grin off my face!!
This is great place to be Allison. I’m
getting self-confidence back, great info on addiction behaviors but especially the words on caring for ourselves beyond the addicts actions.
I hope you had a great dinner!
That’s so much fun! When i want to eat a meal out i ‘ go to mom’s a few hours’. It’s such a wonderful, independent and relaxing feeling.
Love it!!! Keep taking baby steps and caring for yourself 💕
I’m so happy to have a forum with Michelle, and all of you once again! I made the move of separating from my AH three years ago.... so we live separately but still own a business together. I still have to see his drinking and the results of it; but I go to my safe beautiful home that is all mine when things get unbearable. My concern is.... I haven’t divorced. I use the business as an excuse sometimes; the complications of splitting it all.... but I wonder if this is just another way of enabling? I’d appreciate input.....
Anita, you can get legally separated so you can separate your finances. That's what I did 5 years ago because I was very concerned he would put us in debt and I'd be in huge financial trouble. Legally you are still married, but the finances are separate. You need to talk to a lawyer for details in your area that could work for you. It definitely gave me peace of mind. We sold our home and I purchased my own place and my bills are my own now. Hope you find a solution that works for you.
Thx for commenting…. We separated our personal finances without legal assistance…. I live in our home; he lives in an apartment at our business. I just still feel emotionally toed and can be very frustrating
So hard to see myself in black and white. So hard to give up control of our future when there are 2 people who have to cooperate to plan it--but there's only me.
Trying to care for myself...
My answer up until a few years ago was no, not taking care of me. So 2 years ago i HAD to start assessing my life after physically lashing out at my addict. He , my 92 year old mom and i went for a nice meal for her bday and he acted like a complete a--. I stayed away for 4 days and was still livid so brought home a notebk to communicate without having to look at or talk to him. Took me another week to trust myself talking to him again. Months later it happened again on the way to a drs appt. After the dr saw me so emotional i let him know i was 24 years into marriage w a pain pill addict. He added sleeping meds and anti- anxiety meds to my daily med lineup. So now of 8 meds some daily some often 7 are because of stress and anxiety. I had to get our children involved after my lashing out and it feels very freeing. I am now back to walking, listening to music, patio gardening and in general looking outward instead of inward feeling sorry for myself. I stay because we did have some good years and also because he cannot live alone.
He CAN. When he chooses what he wants for himself. I am in that boat, too, imagining my presence is keeping him alive. But it's HIS CHOICE to lose everything and die a lonely, painful death if he doesn't stop. We can't be their babysitters. (I say this as much to remind myself as to respond to you. I am right there with you.)
Yes...... so many days i send a text just so I know he woke up when he replies. I remember Michelle saying death is always stocking us. Also I’ve learned we are experiencing ‘living grief’ because we have lost our loved one but they’re still here; and we’re always expecting the worst
Very true. Sometimes when i am gone 1/2 the day caring for my elderly mother i find that he seems to feel good enough to nuke a pot pie. After his falls i usually wait on him for a week or so depending on severity. Thks for reminder Tara.
My husband is literally skin and bones right now because he's barely eating; and I keep trying to figure out what I can buy to get him to eat; and I just keep getting more and more worried about him. I'm trying not to enable him AND I also don't want him to die. He just doesn't seem to care about his own health.
They don't really care about their own health when they are in the throes of addiction. You can't force anyone to do anything though. I know it's scary and heartbreaking.... The only solace I can offer you is, I don't think anyone has actually starved to death from addiction. I know it isn't much, but I hope it helps.
Same here. He also is diabetic and has chronic severe gastritis ( 6 immodium/ day). His daily motivation is getting those pills down if he has them, hibernating if he’s out and searching for street pills when his 2 week Rx has only lasted 6 days. I gave him a hug for our 26th anniversary( the first years were good and he was a good step-dad helping me understand my 2 sons as they were growing) but otherwise don’t because he is skin and bones.
A, there’s a skeleton over here, too. From a healthy 225 pounds to 185. Two years later down to 155. G I doctor says nothing found but he eats like normal.
BTW my life isn’t Disneyland. I still need a day of downtime after i have a busy day and sometimes stare at tv all day for days but i’ve begun to smile, laugh and really start living again.
As someone who loves Disneyland (and tv) with all her heart I feel you 😊
“All the exhausting efforts you’ve made to save the one you love… are they working?
Have they stopped drinking or using drugs long-term because of something you said or did?”
Nothing I did or said made any difference except to drive his drinking more underground and to drive me more crazy trying to control the uncontrollable.
I enabled his drinking by bailing him out of jail, going to court with him to support him, by driving him to and from work for a year, by telling myself he was just a hurting little boy who didn’t understand what he was doing and couldn’t help it, by covering up his drinking to his parents and his children, by tolerating his bad behavior in order to keep the peace, by counseling him about his drinking, by crying and begging him to stop drinking to prove he loved me, by helping him up off the floor then to bed, by going outside in the dark woods searching for him…so. many. ways.
Love Over Addiction and AlAnon taught me a better way to live. I now live my life instead of his. I let him fall. I let him lie right where he falls.
Michelle, you shared a saying that I’ve kept close to my heart:
“Leave him lay where Jesus flang him.”
This really resonates with me. I have been trying to focus on myself. He then tells me in an accusing way that he feels me pulling away. When he is sober I explain why he feels this. When he is drunk again he verbally hurls it at me as an accusation again, as something that doesn't "help" his struggles with sobriety. There is no way to reason with him when he's drinking so I sit silently while he verbally assaults me. I don't feel that I can walk away as we're in a public place. I don't want to respond and escalate, especially in a public place, and it wouldn't matter anyway as he's inebriated and not in the mood to listen or to understand. All of this to say, I believe in what you're saying and I'm just saying for me at least it is a real challenge. Any help in navigating this is appreciated.
Oh, how they manage to lie and manipulate no matter if they are sober or not. The whole 'poor me' , you don't pay attention to me. You don't care about me. Me, me, me...They have no idea what they are doing. It's all the alcohol. Don't waste your time trying to reason with him when he is inebriated. But I wouldn't stay and take the abuse either. If you are out and he starts up, immediately excuse yourself to use the "restroom". Break the cycle by leaving. See if that throws him off. If you do go out, then you drive. That way you have the option to leave if he gets out of control. Get other people involved. I had to call my AH family - his brothers. I was trying to hide the fact that he is an alcoholic. Don't. Don't try to do this alone. I finally started telling most of my friends, then my family, then his friends. You have to make him be accountable to others besides you. It's not easy but you will start realizing that many people have experience with an addict and they get it. You will have more support than you ever imagined. There are some recovery programs that are geared towards family and friends. I would recommend trying to find one. If he's not going to reach out for help, you need to. You need to get help in how to navigate through this. If you have not listened to the Love over Addiction podcasts, then do it. I especially found them helpful when Michelle interviewed other women about their stories. I was always able to get something out of those. There was one interview that really hit me when the woman was talking how he was sucking her into his addiction by things that he said and did. Holy cow did that resonate with me. That is exactly what they do. They try to find ways to manipulate you into their addiction. So you have to figure that out and how to not let that happen. It's tricky. But you start figuring out the pattern and then you will figure out how to break that pattern. Do it for you, not for him. At this point you have to concentrate on you. He will either realize he needs help or he won't. You can't control his decisions. So yes, If he is accusing you of pulling away...Tell him that is exactly what you are doing because you are not going to get sucked into his addiction.
I can relate to this. I allowed myself to get sucked into the cycle of BS recently. I suppose this is apart of the cycle with an alcoholic- there needs to be some one to blame/dump/abuse; yet, at the same time, someone to engage/rescue/volunteer to scapegoat themselves. Got off the phone feeling disappointed in the lack of progress with myself.
Thank you. Yes, "poor me" and "martyr" are reoccurring themes. Especially when I stand up for myself.
I am just now seeing him objectively enough to recognize not only his typical tactics (lying hiding sneaking blaming threatening--emtionally--gas lighting etc etc etc). but also a very painful truth that he is far more skilled than that. He has learned to sense when I pull away, to do just enough to seem sincere in his "renewed effort." Then slowly returning to his previous behaviors and dropping whatever he'd committed to do: AA counselling groups psychiatrist meds etc etc. He has learned to say the things that will convince me. No, not the same words every time. New ones that match what he senses I need to hear. Never ending. I am working at breaking the cycle through self care and stronger boundaries. And, as I told him once some months ago, maybe he's just a jerk. I don't want to be with a jerk.
Oh the manipulation! He had that down before we met and hit me with it before i really knew he took pain meds pretty regularly. It’s really hard to see because they brag and play themselves up to you and when your eyes are dazzled they start in on the grooming so you will see life thru their addicted reasoning. When my blinders began to loosen it was all sooo obvious.
I’ve walked away from mine in public places. You are free to do that.
This is hard, it's like a one step forward, three steps back dance. Trying to not be an enabler sometimes causes more arguments than not, and when you get so exhausted trying to be strong and take care of yourself, then it's just so easy to let it slide this one time or whatever. I'm constantly reminding myself to just keep my mouth shut, and while I've certainly come a long way in learning how to say no and put boundaries in place, I've still got so much further to go!
I’ve never had this happen to me before, I’m guessing it was around a month ago I completely broke down, and uncontrollably started sobbing. So much that I couldn’t even stand, and I fell to my knees and cried for a good 3-4 minutes and then picked myself up wipe my face off and got back to being a mother. Today I haven’t broke down yet, but I am on the verge of exploding, I have held back to tears. I feel like my heart feels like it’s as big as my chest and my eyes keep swelling up with tears. I can’t even think or focus because my mind is running like crazy.