Are We Really Helping Them Get Sober?

You're trying so hard to help - but could helping be harming you?

Are you trying your very best to keep your relationship together despite this disease? 

Are you feeling lonely because no one truly understands what it’s like to love someone suffering from addiction? 

Are you worried that you can’t stay in this relationship, but you’re afraid to leave?

Or maybe you're scared they’re going to die from addiction?

Are you secretly worried they’re having an affair? 

Or that they love booze, drugs, or pornography more than you?

Here’s what I know about you - you’re trying (so hard) to do all the right things.

You’re not lazy. You want to do the work to get a better life. 

You're not in denial. You are craving the truth told by truth-tellers. 

You’re willing to take this disease head-on and fight for your future. 

You want nothing more (!!) than your loved one to get sober and become the wonderful human being you know they can be. 

You're not trying to enable them. 

You just want to help.

So let’s take a moment and recognize the work you’ve done. Let’s give you the credit you deserve. 

You’re trying. You’ve been trying. For a very long time.

But let me ask you a question. And it might sting a little. But I am on your side. And we don’t do judgment. You’re safe here. You have found your people.

So here’s my question: All the exhausting efforts you’ve made to save the one you love… are they working?

Have they stopped drinking or using drugs long-term because of something you said or did? (keyword: long term)

Just a guess here but I'd venture to say ... Probably not.

The only way someone gets sober is because they want to get sober

It’s just that simple. And that massively frustrating.

So let’s redirect our efforts. 

All the energy and time you’ve put toward their recovery? Consider stopping that. Those behaviors might be enabling.

Here are some examples of enabling: 

1. Googling ways to get them sober. I am speaking to all the ladies out there who are lying in bed late at night searching the internet while their loved one is passed out. Do I see any hands raised? 

2. Labeling them or diagnosing them without the help of a certified professional. TikTok therapists don't count. 

3. The dozens of conversations you’ve had out loud (or in your head) condemning them or painfully going over every detail of all the ways they’ve hurt you.

4. Throwing out liquor/beer bottles. (drugs should be disposed of, but I'll cover how to safely do that another time). 

5. Searching for them or tracking them on your cell phone when they are missing or late coming home.

6. Desperately calling to guilt them or yell at them.

7. Or sending threatening text messages in hopes of getting them to do what you want.

8. Covering up for them by lying or bending the truth in order to “protect” them from the consequences of their bad choices.

And just to be clear: I.HAVE.DONE.ALL.THESE.THINGS. and so much more. This is the pot calling the kettle black. For sure. 

But here's the deal - 

Enabling is just a wild out-of-body/mind attempt to control addiction. 

We enable because we are scared.

And we think the antidote to fear is control. 

But here's the bummer: enabling doesn't help them get sober. And the super, duper bummer? It might actually hurt us. 

Every time we try to control by enabling, we are allowing addiction to drain our energy and joy. 

Enabling is so gosh darn exhausting, isn't it? 

Why don't we retire from "Caretaker To The Addicted" and begin a new position as "Self-Care Provider." 

Lay the caretaker role down. Remove the thousand-pound weight off your shoulders and stop enabling behaviors. Instead, put all that energy into YOU.

Because the truth is, addiction has done a lot of painful damage to YOU. And YOU deserve to be taken care of. 

Caring for yourself, being kind and gentle with your feelings, giving yourself compassion at every moment, and being tender and thoughtful with your head and heart are new practices that can bring more powerful results than sobriety. 

What are some enabling tendencies you've struggled with? 

What can you do to practice compassion with yourself?

Let's share with each other by leaving comments - sharing with others can help hold us accountable.  

And thank you so much for sharing this intimate community with other women who need some hope. I am not doing any advertising or social media. I would rather someone join us based on your invitation. 

And because I don’t “do” social media but I want to be social with you:) I’m going to include a personal photo of nothing related to the post every week. This is my favorite spot to hike in Whistler, Canada. Right after I took this, a deer walked by as if on cue.