To all the folks still in their relationships with addicts: as someone just on the other side (5 months), I can tell you happiness without them can be achieved. For me, it's about letting go of the guilt that you couldn't fix them...that you weren't "enough" to make them quit. You are more than enough. Their addiction is not your fault. You are not responsible for their decisions. You are also not going to be the reason they quit. They have to be the reason they quit. If they aren't willing to look in the mirror, it's on them. My ex was never willing to do the work fully with himself and so his sobriety never happened (he is still currently an addict). I let go of those guilty feelings awhile ago and discovered the relief it brings. Praying for those of you reading this that are still in the trenches.
Love this!! This is how i was able to leave. I always so let down by the alcohol and empty promises. I made a board and wrote in a journal that there has to be a better life out there. I stayed for over 20 years and finally just had enough and couldn’t imagine being in the same situation in another 20 years. And I AM HAPPY
We have been married for 19, and I finally started divorce proceedings. The process sucks, but your words are inspiring to me. I’m excited to be happy again.
“You see, once you make these changes, you'll start to feel so good about yourself that you most likely won't worry about him leaving you. You will like yourself so much that the "new you" will know she deserves a husband who respects her, likes her and treats her well.”
— "Getting Them Sober" Book 1 by Toby Rice Drews
Making ourselves happier instead of waiting for them to do it for us is our prescription to health. ❤️❤️
Hi Michelle, taking comfort in thinking you might read this. Been listening to you for 5 years and it’s the only helpful thing I’ve found whilst coping with my addicted partner who is so full of potential and whom I’m deeply in love with. He is my first and only relationship, we had been together for 13 years and have 2 children. This week he left me. I’m shocked he left me.! Whilst I’m very hurt and upset and not sure how I will cope without him I also feel this huge sense of relief. Relieved that I don’t have to feel the shame, anger and hurt, relief I don’t have to function in this dysfunctional relationship, relieved I no longer have to ride the rollercoaster of a relationship that comes with having an partner suffering with addiction. It’s also bittersweet that I’m struggling to listen to your podcasts as he has left me. I live in England and have always found your voice and content very comforting. First time using substack and first time single, cheers to a year of firsts.
that must hurt so much. I pray you are comforted in the knowledge that as difficult as single parenting will be, you basically have been doing that anyway because having an addicted spouse is so much harder than single parenting I think, because you are doing it alone anyway and you still have to take into consideration what the spouse wants, especially, as in my case, he was/is the wage earner and I am a sSAHM Want he says goes in terms of our money and there is just never enough of that, especially now that we went bankrupt, used all our savings, had our house foreclosed on, and just plain struggle. We also moved 10 hours away from any support system I had. I am so lonely and so tired. Just plain soul-tired. My kids are adults now and live 10 hours away. When they were home we had a buffer and a reason to continue. I struggle to find that now. Anyway, I hope you are well in your year of firsts.🇨🇦
I love this post so much. ❤️ When we back away from them and turn our focus on ourselves and making ourselves happy and fulfilled, we free ourselves AND them. Here’s a favorite passage from a great book:
“Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves.
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others.
Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan!”
— Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
This has been something I have been going/working through for a year. A part of me keeps waiting for him to choose to put the work in so he can be sober and happy, but I can't keep waiting. Life is too short for that. This post sat with me all day. I can still love him but that does not mean I have to sit and wait for something that may or may not happen. I still have sadness over the life he has chosen but my life has meaning and so much more to celebrate. Thank you so much Michelle for your post and this small community. I still have work to do, but at least I'm trying.
Love this, my alcoholic doesn’t drink everyday but that doesn’t mean he isn’t an alcoholic. It also means I have to try not to focus on it . It’s hard but I just organize something’s in my room and watch a movie to ease my mind.
To all the folks still in their relationships with addicts: as someone just on the other side (5 months), I can tell you happiness without them can be achieved. For me, it's about letting go of the guilt that you couldn't fix them...that you weren't "enough" to make them quit. You are more than enough. Their addiction is not your fault. You are not responsible for their decisions. You are also not going to be the reason they quit. They have to be the reason they quit. If they aren't willing to look in the mirror, it's on them. My ex was never willing to do the work fully with himself and so his sobriety never happened (he is still currently an addict). I let go of those guilty feelings awhile ago and discovered the relief it brings. Praying for those of you reading this that are still in the trenches.
Love this!! This is how i was able to leave. I always so let down by the alcohol and empty promises. I made a board and wrote in a journal that there has to be a better life out there. I stayed for over 20 years and finally just had enough and couldn’t imagine being in the same situation in another 20 years. And I AM HAPPY
We have been married for 19, and I finally started divorce proceedings. The process sucks, but your words are inspiring to me. I’m excited to be happy again.
Also
“You see, once you make these changes, you'll start to feel so good about yourself that you most likely won't worry about him leaving you. You will like yourself so much that the "new you" will know she deserves a husband who respects her, likes her and treats her well.”
— "Getting Them Sober" Book 1 by Toby Rice Drews
Making ourselves happier instead of waiting for them to do it for us is our prescription to health. ❤️❤️
Hi Michelle, taking comfort in thinking you might read this. Been listening to you for 5 years and it’s the only helpful thing I’ve found whilst coping with my addicted partner who is so full of potential and whom I’m deeply in love with. He is my first and only relationship, we had been together for 13 years and have 2 children. This week he left me. I’m shocked he left me.! Whilst I’m very hurt and upset and not sure how I will cope without him I also feel this huge sense of relief. Relieved that I don’t have to feel the shame, anger and hurt, relief I don’t have to function in this dysfunctional relationship, relieved I no longer have to ride the rollercoaster of a relationship that comes with having an partner suffering with addiction. It’s also bittersweet that I’m struggling to listen to your podcasts as he has left me. I live in England and have always found your voice and content very comforting. First time using substack and first time single, cheers to a year of firsts.
that must hurt so much. I pray you are comforted in the knowledge that as difficult as single parenting will be, you basically have been doing that anyway because having an addicted spouse is so much harder than single parenting I think, because you are doing it alone anyway and you still have to take into consideration what the spouse wants, especially, as in my case, he was/is the wage earner and I am a sSAHM Want he says goes in terms of our money and there is just never enough of that, especially now that we went bankrupt, used all our savings, had our house foreclosed on, and just plain struggle. We also moved 10 hours away from any support system I had. I am so lonely and so tired. Just plain soul-tired. My kids are adults now and live 10 hours away. When they were home we had a buffer and a reason to continue. I struggle to find that now. Anyway, I hope you are well in your year of firsts.🇨🇦
I love this post so much. ❤️ When we back away from them and turn our focus on ourselves and making ourselves happy and fulfilled, we free ourselves AND them. Here’s a favorite passage from a great book:
“Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves.
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others.
Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan!”
— Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
This has been something I have been going/working through for a year. A part of me keeps waiting for him to choose to put the work in so he can be sober and happy, but I can't keep waiting. Life is too short for that. This post sat with me all day. I can still love him but that does not mean I have to sit and wait for something that may or may not happen. I still have sadness over the life he has chosen but my life has meaning and so much more to celebrate. Thank you so much Michelle for your post and this small community. I still have work to do, but at least I'm trying.
Oh Michelle this is so powerful and so beautiful ... thank you from the bottom of my heart ... bless❤️
This is so good and helpful!! Thank you for writing and reminding us to live a beautiful life regardless of others choices!
Boy did I ever need this! You made my day. I have thought about doing just for a while now. I'M GONNA DO IT! Thanks
I too have had enough. I am on my journey of peace and finding what I love. Thank you Michelle.
Love this, my alcoholic doesn’t drink everyday but that doesn’t mean he isn’t an alcoholic. It also means I have to try not to focus on it . It’s hard but I just organize something’s in my room and watch a movie to ease my mind.
So beautiful