A Well Designed Happy Life With or Without Them
How would it feel if I said we need to live a life that isn’t dependent on our loved one’s sobriety? And if we can create that kind of life, we can have a happy future if they get sober or not. We can learn to live with or without our partners.
Here’s the loving truth: we hope and pray that our loved ones will not drink too much or stop using drugs and start being faithful. But when we put our lives on hold, hoping they will keep their promise of remaining sober and stopping their bad habits, we are leaving our happiness in their hands.
We are saying, “I can be happy, and I can have a good time as long as they follow through with their promises of staying sober.” But what if they don’t? What if they never get sober? Will we continue to subject ourselves to an unhappy life?
How many times are we going to be let down before we start to say enough? If they get sober, that’s great; we will be so proud, but we are not waiting around anymore. We are going to start designing a life that makes us happy - whether they get sober or not.
What does a well-designed, happy life look like to you? Take a moment to imagine what happiness looks like. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and think about the things that make you feel good. It could be baking cupcakes, walking with a friend, gardening, taking an adventurous trip, visiting a child, reading a book on the back porch, or going for a run.
Now grab a piece of paper and a pen and write down what you see. Keep your list close to you this week, and keep spending small pockets of time thinking about your well-designed, happy life. When you have an inspired idea - write it down.
I turned my list into a dream board because I’m a visual learner. I would take my board from room to room while I did my chores. Using my imagination made me feel hopeful. I loved the idea that I could tap into happiness that had nothing to do with my partner and their addiction. Nothing on my board at the time even involved a partner. They were just things I loved, like wearing cozy socks by the fire with a plate of cookies and bike riding with my kids.
Dare to imagine a life that does not revolve around their addiction. A separate, peaceful, happy life. And try to find ways to slowly and intentionally create that life if you decide to stay or leave your partner.
You’ve got this. I believe in you.
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To all the folks still in their relationships with addicts: as someone just on the other side (5 months), I can tell you happiness without them can be achieved. For me, it's about letting go of the guilt that you couldn't fix them...that you weren't "enough" to make them quit. You are more than enough. Their addiction is not your fault. You are not responsible for their decisions. You are also not going to be the reason they quit. They have to be the reason they quit. If they aren't willing to look in the mirror, it's on them. My ex was never willing to do the work fully with himself and so his sobriety never happened (he is still currently an addict). I let go of those guilty feelings awhile ago and discovered the relief it brings. Praying for those of you reading this that are still in the trenches.
Love this!! This is how i was able to leave. I always so let down by the alcohol and empty promises. I made a board and wrote in a journal that there has to be a better life out there. I stayed for over 20 years and finally just had enough and couldn’t imagine being in the same situation in another 20 years. And I AM HAPPY