YES! Yes, this is sooooo important. When I started putting my self first, my outlook on my crappy alcoholic marriage changed, and I realized my marriage and partner did not define who I was as a person and it did not define my morals/ dreams/ etc. His choices were his. It's a long, hard road with many bumps and holes in between but worth it.
I just had this discussion with my counselor yesterday. It’s so hard to not react when I know my AH is drunk (and he is denying drinking anything). My counselor said I need to picture being attached to him with a rope. He is going over the cliff and every time I argue, blame, cry, etc, he is pulling me toward the cliff with him. I don’t want to go over that cliff so I am not going to get pulled down with him.
I’m in that place right now. I’m completely closed off. Unable to be loving or receive love. I feel like if I allow that hug or that kiss- that I am forgoing the bad behavior
I’ve been married 37 years. I’ve been on that roller coaster ride my entire married life. I’ve addressed my codependency issues with his drinking. I rarely check for beer cans. But I know when he has smoked pot or drank just one beer. It is all it takes for me to see that- and zoom. I’m closed.
I’ve asked myself many times- what’s wrong with me? Why can’t you Judy enjoy the good moments?. I’m stubborn to a fault.
I’ve got to get my crap together before I die. I’m hoping this apartment is available this September- it’s being remodeled and promised to me. But it’s a lone 6 weeks to wait. I’ve told my AH - who is now, everyday- begging me to stay. Making promises. It’s exhausting
I too get closed off. It’s like a defense mechanism and a way to punish him all in one but I feel like when I do that I’m helping myself detach but it causes an annoying cycle of him begging for attention and then I just get more closed off then after a few days we are back at square one. I too would love some advice on how to deal with this the right way. I pray a lot that God helps me to love him like he loves him and stop holding his faults against him. But it is healthy for us to take a step back and not react to their behavior. I like this topic and look forward to other’s comments on how they do it.
Something keeps me hanging on by a thread. I want that heathy marriage we used to have. He’s so closed minded on therapy and treatment. It is hard and I wish you the best. There is always hope but if it’s killing us in the process, we have to take action eventually.
I know it’s so hard to know what to do. After much prayer and getting down to the divorce papers being drawn up, I decided to stick this out because I still love my husband no matter what. I will need healthy strong boundaries but I just didn’t feel like divorce was the answer for us right now but I do hope you find your peace in the middle of the storm. For all the women on here also. I know this was an older comment but I do appreciate us being able to go back and see all the replies and comments and where I was at then. I just wanted to put out there that with two people taking steps in the right direction, and neither trying to control the outcome, there is still hope. ♥️ I will do my best to look past the alcoholic husband and see the man I married inside there and pray he comes back to me. I know that sounds impossible to some but God renewed my heart when I poured it out to him and I will take it one day at a time with his help and strength. 🙏🏼
My heart goes out to you. I separated 3 years ago after 28 years..... I hope your apartment works out. The emotional toll will continue, as long as you have interaction with your AH..but in your own space you will finally get some relief. You will learn to open up again 💕
Teresa, I hear you. I was in a marriage for 20 years in this exact same pattern. I started seeing a counselor every other week, who made me set two goals a week before our next session. Those sessions are slowly saving me and helping me find a the way back to myself. I did finally leave my AH in June and while the road has been filled with challenges, I'm slowly starting to find my happy. Best of luck to you on the path you choose.
This was very timely for me to be reading as well. I am in the thick of it right now, trying to figure out what to do and if this marriage is salvagable. I hear God telling me to hold on, so I am trying. But in the meantime, I am trying to take care of myself (not to mention, my 3 kids), but it is so hard to detach. We've been married for 17 years, together for 21, friends since the 9th grade. He has always been my everything and I have got to learn to be okay without him. Whether that means I stay and I have to ;earn to be okay even if he's drinking or whether we separate and I have to do life without him. I never thought this would be my life. I guess we all have those thoughts, right? We love our partners for who they truly are, the actual people minus the alcohol.
I’ve gotten back into yoga which gives me opportunity for quiet mindfulness. I’m eating healthier foods, walking, and reading materials/books that bring me peace and joy.
What helps is recognizing being pulled into their crazy again and then shifting focus to the list of things I discovered I enjoy or want to explore. Right now my youngest, our teen daughter, is with just me at the lake and we get a break together from everything. I am now shifting back out of the usual pattern to enjoy and see all the great things at the lake and enjoy her. That brings me joy....and helps me stop obsessing over him.
These comments resonate so much with me right now. My husband is trying very hard to get better but there have been a lot of relapses and it’s just such a huge disappointment everything.
Focusing on my self helps a lot. Exercise, friends, sleep a sense of purpose.
But recently I realized I’ve been waiting. Waiting for him to get better so we can make plans and goals together again. I’m not waiting anymore. I’m making my own plans and have set some of my own goals and I’m just moving forward anyway.
You have no idea what I am going through at this very moment but reading this is helping so much. I am taking the focus off my husband in the next room who is visibly drunk and adamant that he has not been drinking today.
That is my husband almost every night. He becomes a different person when he drinks vodka. He can’t make eye contact, blinks a ridiculous amount and tries to act sober which makes him seem even worse than he probably is. He drinks vodka in our garage. I have no idea how much. It disgusts me when I know he is drunk and I am working on focusing on myself and basically putting distance between him and me. I leave the room or go for a walk.
When I feel or discover that my husband has lied or taken steps backwards I feel all my adrenalin rush through me and I get sick to my stomach I start to shake and get emotional like a panic. its hard to any little thing can trigger me its so hard. I feel so broken after and have to try hard to get back where I was before the incident.
I told my pothead husband (PH?) I can’t keep fighting like this and we should take a break. He says he’s going to resign from teaching and leave. I don’t know to where. He brought up the pot stuff, not me, and essentially said everyone fights and I like psychodrama. So I should let it go and essentially not bother him. I said I can’t keep doing this and he should move out for awhile. Then he asked who is moving in, as if he thinks I have someone else, which I don’t. I’m very sad. But I think I did the right thing - maybe to save our marriage of 26 years. Or myself.
This is a great question. A lot of us felt like if we don't engage we are letting them, "get away with it" but the thing is: engaging can (not always) leave us feeling exhausted and resentful. There definitely is a time and place to communicate your feelings and we cover how and when to communicate in this newsletter (so stay tuned:)). This is just a loving reminder that taking care of ourselves is key to seeing a difference in our transformation. Hope that helps LMS:)
YES! Yes, this is sooooo important. When I started putting my self first, my outlook on my crappy alcoholic marriage changed, and I realized my marriage and partner did not define who I was as a person and it did not define my morals/ dreams/ etc. His choices were his. It's a long, hard road with many bumps and holes in between but worth it.
I just had this discussion with my counselor yesterday. It’s so hard to not react when I know my AH is drunk (and he is denying drinking anything). My counselor said I need to picture being attached to him with a rope. He is going over the cliff and every time I argue, blame, cry, etc, he is pulling me toward the cliff with him. I don’t want to go over that cliff so I am not going to get pulled down with him.
I’m in that place right now. I’m completely closed off. Unable to be loving or receive love. I feel like if I allow that hug or that kiss- that I am forgoing the bad behavior
I’ve been married 37 years. I’ve been on that roller coaster ride my entire married life. I’ve addressed my codependency issues with his drinking. I rarely check for beer cans. But I know when he has smoked pot or drank just one beer. It is all it takes for me to see that- and zoom. I’m closed.
I’ve asked myself many times- what’s wrong with me? Why can’t you Judy enjoy the good moments?. I’m stubborn to a fault.
I’ve got to get my crap together before I die. I’m hoping this apartment is available this September- it’s being remodeled and promised to me. But it’s a lone 6 weeks to wait. I’ve told my AH - who is now, everyday- begging me to stay. Making promises. It’s exhausting
I too get closed off. It’s like a defense mechanism and a way to punish him all in one but I feel like when I do that I’m helping myself detach but it causes an annoying cycle of him begging for attention and then I just get more closed off then after a few days we are back at square one. I too would love some advice on how to deal with this the right way. I pray a lot that God helps me to love him like he loves him and stop holding his faults against him. But it is healthy for us to take a step back and not react to their behavior. I like this topic and look forward to other’s comments on how they do it.
Perfectly said d April. I think the only real way to stop my cycle was a just to leave. I have no other idea and I can’t change him
Something keeps me hanging on by a thread. I want that heathy marriage we used to have. He’s so closed minded on therapy and treatment. It is hard and I wish you the best. There is always hope but if it’s killing us in the process, we have to take action eventually.
I know it’s so hard to know what to do. After much prayer and getting down to the divorce papers being drawn up, I decided to stick this out because I still love my husband no matter what. I will need healthy strong boundaries but I just didn’t feel like divorce was the answer for us right now but I do hope you find your peace in the middle of the storm. For all the women on here also. I know this was an older comment but I do appreciate us being able to go back and see all the replies and comments and where I was at then. I just wanted to put out there that with two people taking steps in the right direction, and neither trying to control the outcome, there is still hope. ♥️ I will do my best to look past the alcoholic husband and see the man I married inside there and pray he comes back to me. I know that sounds impossible to some but God renewed my heart when I poured it out to him and I will take it one day at a time with his help and strength. 🙏🏼
My heart goes out to you. I separated 3 years ago after 28 years..... I hope your apartment works out. The emotional toll will continue, as long as you have interaction with your AH..but in your own space you will finally get some relief. You will learn to open up again 💕
Teresa, I hear you. I was in a marriage for 20 years in this exact same pattern. I started seeing a counselor every other week, who made me set two goals a week before our next session. Those sessions are slowly saving me and helping me find a the way back to myself. I did finally leave my AH in June and while the road has been filled with challenges, I'm slowly starting to find my happy. Best of luck to you on the path you choose.
This was very timely for me to be reading as well. I am in the thick of it right now, trying to figure out what to do and if this marriage is salvagable. I hear God telling me to hold on, so I am trying. But in the meantime, I am trying to take care of myself (not to mention, my 3 kids), but it is so hard to detach. We've been married for 17 years, together for 21, friends since the 9th grade. He has always been my everything and I have got to learn to be okay without him. Whether that means I stay and I have to ;earn to be okay even if he's drinking or whether we separate and I have to do life without him. I never thought this would be my life. I guess we all have those thoughts, right? We love our partners for who they truly are, the actual people minus the alcohol.
I’ve gotten back into yoga which gives me opportunity for quiet mindfulness. I’m eating healthier foods, walking, and reading materials/books that bring me peace and joy.
Love this Sarah 🤍
What helps is recognizing being pulled into their crazy again and then shifting focus to the list of things I discovered I enjoy or want to explore. Right now my youngest, our teen daughter, is with just me at the lake and we get a break together from everything. I am now shifting back out of the usual pattern to enjoy and see all the great things at the lake and enjoy her. That brings me joy....and helps me stop obsessing over him.
These comments resonate so much with me right now. My husband is trying very hard to get better but there have been a lot of relapses and it’s just such a huge disappointment everything.
Focusing on my self helps a lot. Exercise, friends, sleep a sense of purpose.
But recently I realized I’ve been waiting. Waiting for him to get better so we can make plans and goals together again. I’m not waiting anymore. I’m making my own plans and have set some of my own goals and I’m just moving forward anyway.
it would be nice to join a group just like this in person I have thought about starting one myself but I don't know where to start.
You have no idea what I am going through at this very moment but reading this is helping so much. I am taking the focus off my husband in the next room who is visibly drunk and adamant that he has not been drinking today.
That is my husband almost every night. He becomes a different person when he drinks vodka. He can’t make eye contact, blinks a ridiculous amount and tries to act sober which makes him seem even worse than he probably is. He drinks vodka in our garage. I have no idea how much. It disgusts me when I know he is drunk and I am working on focusing on myself and basically putting distance between him and me. I leave the room or go for a walk.
When I feel or discover that my husband has lied or taken steps backwards I feel all my adrenalin rush through me and I get sick to my stomach I start to shake and get emotional like a panic. its hard to any little thing can trigger me its so hard. I feel so broken after and have to try hard to get back where I was before the incident.
I told my pothead husband (PH?) I can’t keep fighting like this and we should take a break. He says he’s going to resign from teaching and leave. I don’t know to where. He brought up the pot stuff, not me, and essentially said everyone fights and I like psychodrama. So I should let it go and essentially not bother him. I said I can’t keep doing this and he should move out for awhile. Then he asked who is moving in, as if he thinks I have someone else, which I don’t. I’m very sad. But I think I did the right thing - maybe to save our marriage of 26 years. Or myself.
Is not this like just ignoring the problem? And allows it to get normalized ?
This is a great question. A lot of us felt like if we don't engage we are letting them, "get away with it" but the thing is: engaging can (not always) leave us feeling exhausted and resentful. There definitely is a time and place to communicate your feelings and we cover how and when to communicate in this newsletter (so stay tuned:)). This is just a loving reminder that taking care of ourselves is key to seeing a difference in our transformation. Hope that helps LMS:)
Thanks for your comments !