I did all the things: rescuing, denying, helping, counseling, covering, caretaking, monitoring, suggesting, begging, crying, bargaining, anger, drinking with him, telling on him, searching for him, locking him out, locking him in, searching for alcohol, pouring out the liquor, buying him beer, leaving, coming back, leaving AA materials out for him, forgiving, accusing…. My life turned into a nasty little ball of HIM. And none of it cured his alcoholism.
My answer was so simple and so damn hard at the same time: to let go of him and take hold of me. I do what makes me happy and I let him alone. That constitutes detachment.
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie wrote: “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves. The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan!”
I too have done all these things, and probably more. I thoroughly enjoyed Codependent No More. I've listened to it twice! Between Melody, my counselor, and LOA, I have been able to take a hold of myself and my reactions. Detachment has been a work in progress, but it allows myself to focus on me and my children and not on his problem, his addiction, has been so freeing.
I read that same book and they was step 1 of doing something to help myself. Michelle’s podcast was step 2 and has been so helpful. I also started the Alanon program. I realize I have to focus on me. It’s a rollercoaster at times but my life is feeling like it’s on a much better path now.
Awesome. I'm so proud of you for detaching and taking hold of yourself. This is what I'm working on now. It feels good!! I no longer pace the floor and look out the window every 30mins praying he makes it home safely, after a night of drinking. It's taken a very long time to get to this place, but now I sleep like a baby when he's out on the town. I'm prioritizing myself and my children, my spiritual and social life is in a healthy space as well. I'm loving on myself, not allowing my anxiety to take the wheel and making sure the life insurance policy is paid!!!!
I did the crying and begging. Life would have been so much easier if he would just do what I asked, haha. But, at some point, after losing my relationship with several family members, I decided to save myself. I did the Stay or Go program, which I realized, by the time you do that program, you’ve probably already decided to leave, but you just need validation that you are in a bad relationship, that has no sign of getting better, and it is time to go. I filed for divorce almost a year ago, and it was finalized at the end of May. Things are much more peaceful, but I know I have a lot of healing to do still.
Ugh. My strongest co-dependent trait is the unsolicited advice. I’ve always been an advice giver, and I’m slowly working on pulling back on that behavior.
“But love can be harmful when we feel entirely responsible for healing another human being.”
This is where I struggle. I’m learning day by day that I cannot heal another person. It’s not humanly possible. With God all things are possible but it takes that person being totally surrendered mind, body & soul. The plan to move forward for me, my healing, my peace of mind and freedom has been the hardest but most eye opening thing so far. I have a long ways to go but even with my children, I can’t make them get the help they need. I can offer to be there for them but I cannot be there for my ex HFAH anymore. He called me tonight to let me know if a health problem he had to go to the hospital for today. I told him I’d pray for him and let me know but I won’t go to his rescue. I’m so ready to just file for divorce and let him move to someone that will just baby him and take care of him like he wants. He is many narcissistic traits that I didn’t see all of them until we separated. Anyway, this was so helpful! It doesn’t mean we don’t care but it means it’s time to turn that love and care on ourselves for a change. We’ve neglected ourselves long enough 💕 We deserve it!
I did all the things: rescuing, denying, helping, counseling, covering, caretaking, monitoring, suggesting, begging, crying, bargaining, anger, drinking with him, telling on him, searching for him, locking him out, locking him in, searching for alcohol, pouring out the liquor, buying him beer, leaving, coming back, leaving AA materials out for him, forgiving, accusing…. My life turned into a nasty little ball of HIM. And none of it cured his alcoholism.
My answer was so simple and so damn hard at the same time: to let go of him and take hold of me. I do what makes me happy and I let him alone. That constitutes detachment.
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie wrote: “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves. The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan!”
I too have done all these things, and probably more. I thoroughly enjoyed Codependent No More. I've listened to it twice! Between Melody, my counselor, and LOA, I have been able to take a hold of myself and my reactions. Detachment has been a work in progress, but it allows myself to focus on me and my children and not on his problem, his addiction, has been so freeing.
I read that same book and they was step 1 of doing something to help myself. Michelle’s podcast was step 2 and has been so helpful. I also started the Alanon program. I realize I have to focus on me. It’s a rollercoaster at times but my life is feeling like it’s on a much better path now.
You just described me
Awesome. I'm so proud of you for detaching and taking hold of yourself. This is what I'm working on now. It feels good!! I no longer pace the floor and look out the window every 30mins praying he makes it home safely, after a night of drinking. It's taken a very long time to get to this place, but now I sleep like a baby when he's out on the town. I'm prioritizing myself and my children, my spiritual and social life is in a healthy space as well. I'm loving on myself, not allowing my anxiety to take the wheel and making sure the life insurance policy is paid!!!!
Yes still too wrapped up in it. But proud of myself to follow your suggestions and step away.....after I caught myself.
Filing FOR SURE. And also navigating a path to split from him in the coming weeks.
I am soooooooooooo ready to live my full potential life!
I did the crying and begging. Life would have been so much easier if he would just do what I asked, haha. But, at some point, after losing my relationship with several family members, I decided to save myself. I did the Stay or Go program, which I realized, by the time you do that program, you’ve probably already decided to leave, but you just need validation that you are in a bad relationship, that has no sign of getting better, and it is time to go. I filed for divorce almost a year ago, and it was finalized at the end of May. Things are much more peaceful, but I know I have a lot of healing to do still.
Ugh. My strongest co-dependent trait is the unsolicited advice. I’ve always been an advice giver, and I’m slowly working on pulling back on that behavior.
Excited to hear about what’s next for LOA !!
Omggg this absolutely resonates with me. Is anyone from the NY area? Specifically Long Island?
I am new to all of this. What are the acronyms I see people using? Example from April’s post: HFAH. Sorry for the rookie question. Thanks.
“But love can be harmful when we feel entirely responsible for healing another human being.”
This is where I struggle. I’m learning day by day that I cannot heal another person. It’s not humanly possible. With God all things are possible but it takes that person being totally surrendered mind, body & soul. The plan to move forward for me, my healing, my peace of mind and freedom has been the hardest but most eye opening thing so far. I have a long ways to go but even with my children, I can’t make them get the help they need. I can offer to be there for them but I cannot be there for my ex HFAH anymore. He called me tonight to let me know if a health problem he had to go to the hospital for today. I told him I’d pray for him and let me know but I won’t go to his rescue. I’m so ready to just file for divorce and let him move to someone that will just baby him and take care of him like he wants. He is many narcissistic traits that I didn’t see all of them until we separated. Anyway, this was so helpful! It doesn’t mean we don’t care but it means it’s time to turn that love and care on ourselves for a change. We’ve neglected ourselves long enough 💕 We deserve it!