5 Codependent Behaviors That Can Harm Us
If you feel responsible for the future of your relationship keep reading.
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Do you find yourself wondering if you're codependent?
When we're in a relationship with a good person suffering from addiction, we feel desperate for them to get sober. We desire the very best for them, and we can see that means a life dedicated to clean living.
When we try to help, we're not trying to nag, be needy or mean. We want to kick this disease out of our relationships and have the life we always wanted with the one we love. We want to feel secure in our relationships and our future.
So why, when we try to help our loved ones get sober - do we get labeled as "codependent"?
Because sometimes, even our most honest and loving "help" can be enabling.
Below is a quick checklist of codependent behaviors that we should look out for:
Do you feel entirely responsible for helping them get sober?
Do you secretly blame yourself for their disease?
Are you begging and pleading with them to quit their addiction?
Do your thoughts always return to their addiction instead of thinking about ways to help yourself?
Are you offering unsolicited advice and suggestions?
Look, I know we want to help, and it's so frustrating when we have answers that truly WILL help, but they won't take our advice.
Here's the loving truth: ALL our efforts to help the ones we love won't influence them to choose long-term sobriety.
Why?
The decision to get sober must be their idea and lifelong commitment.
It's a devastating reality because it makes us feel angry and powerless.
But it can also feel relieving. Because it means our loved one's health is not our responsibility. We can stop being caretakers, self-appointed mothers, lovers (more on this later), and therapists to our loved ones.
One of our best qualities is seeing the good in people. We're a compassionate, loving group - that's what got us into this situation in the first place. We empathize with other people's pain.
Our heart's desire is to help and fix and solve. Loving others is one of our greatest joys and gifts.
But love can be harmful when we feel entirely responsible for healing another human being.
Sometimes the best way to help someone suffering from addiction is to let them fall apart and say nothing:
No unsolicited advice, shaming, "I told you so's," no guilting, or rescuing (I know this is super hard - I failed at this OFTEN).
The next time their addiction flares up - let's use our superhuman compassion on ourselves.
We can say, "Self, this is a lot right now. Instead of trying to control or deny my feelings, I am going to take a deep breath and slow down for a moment. I love myself, and I recognize all the wonderful things that I offer a partner. I don't need validation from outside sources. Instead, I am giving myself the love I need."
After a few deep breaths and moments of stillness, you don't feel better - ask yourself, "What can I do to take care of my needs right now?"
Try it out. Write that down on paper or take a photo and save it to your phone. It's wonderful and healing when we offer ourselves the same love and compassion we give to people who might not cherish it.
Did you identify with any codependent traits? Leave a comment or respond to another women who will most likely cherish the acknowledgment.
I did all the things: rescuing, denying, helping, counseling, covering, caretaking, monitoring, suggesting, begging, crying, bargaining, anger, drinking with him, telling on him, searching for him, locking him out, locking him in, searching for alcohol, pouring out the liquor, buying him beer, leaving, coming back, leaving AA materials out for him, forgiving, accusing…. My life turned into a nasty little ball of HIM. And none of it cured his alcoholism.
My answer was so simple and so damn hard at the same time: to let go of him and take hold of me. I do what makes me happy and I let him alone. That constitutes detachment.
In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie wrote: “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves. The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan!”
Awesome. I'm so proud of you for detaching and taking hold of yourself. This is what I'm working on now. It feels good!! I no longer pace the floor and look out the window every 30mins praying he makes it home safely, after a night of drinking. It's taken a very long time to get to this place, but now I sleep like a baby when he's out on the town. I'm prioritizing myself and my children, my spiritual and social life is in a healthy space as well. I'm loving on myself, not allowing my anxiety to take the wheel and making sure the life insurance policy is paid!!!!