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Wendy's avatar

I did all the things: rescuing, denying, helping, counseling, covering, caretaking, monitoring, suggesting, begging, crying, bargaining, anger, drinking with him, telling on him, searching for him, locking him out, locking him in, searching for alcohol, pouring out the liquor, buying him beer, leaving, coming back, leaving AA materials out for him, forgiving, accusing…. My life turned into a nasty little ball of HIM. And none of it cured his alcoholism.

My answer was so simple and so damn hard at the same time: to let go of him and take hold of me. I do what makes me happy and I let him alone. That constitutes detachment.

In Codependent No More, Melody Beattie wrote: “Detaching does not mean we don’t care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and don’t hurt ourselves. The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others. Sometimes detachment even motivates and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan!”

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Erika's avatar

Awesome. I'm so proud of you for detaching and taking hold of yourself. This is what I'm working on now. It feels good!! I no longer pace the floor and look out the window every 30mins praying he makes it home safely, after a night of drinking. It's taken a very long time to get to this place, but now I sleep like a baby when he's out on the town. I'm prioritizing myself and my children, my spiritual and social life is in a healthy space as well. I'm loving on myself, not allowing my anxiety to take the wheel and making sure the life insurance policy is paid!!!!

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