Being codependent can go hand in hand with loving someone suffering from addiction. Like two magnets attracted to one another, we connect with our partner by a force that feels greater than ourselves. Love has something to do with it, but also, there might be some relationship dynamics at play.
Soooooooooo me! I am working on self-care this year. I don’t bother him anymore about his drinking and am focusing on the things I want to do like take care of me like travel to visit grandkids, going back to school, eating healthier and losing weight, saving money, etc.
Also knowing my worth. Stop comparing myself to others and know that I’m right I’m supposed to be! Growing from being a caterpillar into a butterfly!
Yep. I am doing better on the first two, but that last one of offering advice and fixing - those die hard! Working on it daily now, with daily affirmations of "I keep a quiet mouth," "I allow others to solve their own problems," and I allow others (and myself) to have their own thoughts and feelings (like I don't have to change them!). Slowly but surely!!!
Love this topic so much. Learning about this will help history to not repeat itself. Anything you can teach on this topic is solid gold. Keep up the great work !
I have lived with my boyfriend for over 16 years . He is an alcoholic who is verbally abusive, but also takes care of me. I have been unfaithful to him and he knows it, but still will not move out and end the relationship. I have the same dynamic with him that I did with my Mom, who was also an abusive alcoholic.
The first two definitely (I denied the first until reading all the way through 🤪). The third one? It's more "I'm just one part" rather than "I'm not enough". Thank you for the very timely reminder in relating with my daughter. 🩷
Hi, I'm new here. I found your podcast which lead me to this blog. I'm an Al-Anon newcomer, have attended two meetings so far. I'm trying to attend weekly meetings but was looking for some more regular words of affirmation and found your podcast to be just what I needed. Short and straight to the point.
I definitely have some codependency issues. I struggle with my eldest daughter, her choices, her priorities and I often find myself stepping in and trying to give advise, rescue, help, take preventative measures which end up stressing me out. I need to learn to set boundaries, and stop being "rescue mom" all the time.
My daughter, her two children as well as two other adult children live with my partner and I. I have a very full home. My daughter is an incredibly strong and loving person, but she struggles with dependency issues and has problems regulating her emotions. She's been thru a lot. I hope she gets help someday and becomes the best version of herself.
I often think the dynamic at home would be so much more calm if she moved out and I could be a grandma on scheduled days and I didn't have to clean up after her and the kids all the time. But admittedly I know if/when she moves out I'll be even more anxious and worry if they are all OK.
Thanks for creating a space where we can connect with others struggling with similar issues.
Yay!!!!! So happy you're back to making your podcasts! Your words and stories have helped me so much in the past as I was dealing with separation and heartbreak from my alcoholic spouse. Although my marriage is over, I feel so much stronger and aware of issues that I have nothing to do with (even though in the past I thought all the issues were my fault and I needed to fix everything). In answering your question, YES I am a codependent and learning (slowly) to change my behavior and focus on me and things I am responsible for. Sooo thankful you are back! :D
I have been saving all these e-mails since 2022. I really did not know just what to say as all the stories were about me and my life living with my drunk husband. As I sit here he has drank himself to sleep, and its only 6:30, I had the idea to finally say something. I'm sure you have heard this before, but this THING is not the man I married, and after 29 years of being married to him, this is what I am left with.
I know this is a disease, it happened so slow, and now it's full blown. Yes I still love him but in a much different way, I have nothing to look forward to just another day of him drinking for 5 hours and going to bed at 6:30. I guess I just had to say something.
Michelle, I’m re-doing the LOA program after I fell flat on my face by failing Lesson One of what not to do when you love someone suffering from addiction. I, who should have known better! Thank goodness, you gave us that program synopsis in 2022. Its truths are saving me from lapsing into despair. I’m trying to figure out how to rise up off my knees, dust myself off, and begin again. None of this is easy. I’m reading this sentence right now: “You are not responsible for their sobriety.” I forgot this somehow in the thick of the battle.
Ok. I literally had to step away from my phone for a while to contemplate whether to read further or not. I saw the scary word....co-dependent. So I shuffled around, checked socials & here I am. Facing that truth and reading another profound email from Michelle. 🙏🏼
I read it all. I came away from this post knowing I totally am co-dependent. I’ve been back & forth with this in my life for so long I can honestly say I did over come the issues to a point of having less emotional self talk,where I took a back seat. Then I faltered. I want to be that version of me again! The happy confident thin woman on my Drivers License! That was a few years ago. I slid. Hard. So square one this time is soooo ridiculous! I can’t turn on the self talk that I need to get to ‘there’. So I am trying. What I do is when I’m in the bathroom or bedroom where there is a mirror....I smile at myself & say hello. No judgement. Just for me. Maybe I have a thing or two to talk to myself about for a few seconds but if I look at myself and attempt the internal self talk that is defeating...well it just seems less important getting it out. It’s work! But who better to work for than yourself??? I am so blessed to have a bestie that checks in a few times weekly.
Bless u all. We will get thru. Thanks again Michelle for a safe space. 🙏🏼
I first read the codependency book in 2014 and it was a real eye opener. Even so, even with the total awareness, it is sooo very difficult to change. Baby steps everyday.
Up until this last 6 months, I was SO codependent with my husband. I stuck up for him over my own children… something I’m so not proud of now. Since he went to treatment and came back, I feel very different. Almost like the time away made the veil fall and I was able to see our relationship more clearly.
I’ve noticed my heart not reach out toward him when he tells me how he’s working through the steps. He completed step 9 last night with me & after years of wanting that conversation with him, I sincerely felt like it was closure on our dying marriage.. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but it’s the easiest way I know how to explain it.
Soooooooooo me! I am working on self-care this year. I don’t bother him anymore about his drinking and am focusing on the things I want to do like take care of me like travel to visit grandkids, going back to school, eating healthier and losing weight, saving money, etc.
Also knowing my worth. Stop comparing myself to others and know that I’m right I’m supposed to be! Growing from being a caterpillar into a butterfly!
Yep. I am doing better on the first two, but that last one of offering advice and fixing - those die hard! Working on it daily now, with daily affirmations of "I keep a quiet mouth," "I allow others to solve their own problems," and I allow others (and myself) to have their own thoughts and feelings (like I don't have to change them!). Slowly but surely!!!
Love this topic so much. Learning about this will help history to not repeat itself. Anything you can teach on this topic is solid gold. Keep up the great work !
Could you recommend some books on Co-dependancy to read?
I have lived with my boyfriend for over 16 years . He is an alcoholic who is verbally abusive, but also takes care of me. I have been unfaithful to him and he knows it, but still will not move out and end the relationship. I have the same dynamic with him that I did with my Mom, who was also an abusive alcoholic.
The first two definitely (I denied the first until reading all the way through 🤪). The third one? It's more "I'm just one part" rather than "I'm not enough". Thank you for the very timely reminder in relating with my daughter. 🩷
Hi, I'm new here. I found your podcast which lead me to this blog. I'm an Al-Anon newcomer, have attended two meetings so far. I'm trying to attend weekly meetings but was looking for some more regular words of affirmation and found your podcast to be just what I needed. Short and straight to the point.
I definitely have some codependency issues. I struggle with my eldest daughter, her choices, her priorities and I often find myself stepping in and trying to give advise, rescue, help, take preventative measures which end up stressing me out. I need to learn to set boundaries, and stop being "rescue mom" all the time.
My daughter, her two children as well as two other adult children live with my partner and I. I have a very full home. My daughter is an incredibly strong and loving person, but she struggles with dependency issues and has problems regulating her emotions. She's been thru a lot. I hope she gets help someday and becomes the best version of herself.
I often think the dynamic at home would be so much more calm if she moved out and I could be a grandma on scheduled days and I didn't have to clean up after her and the kids all the time. But admittedly I know if/when she moves out I'll be even more anxious and worry if they are all OK.
Thanks for creating a space where we can connect with others struggling with similar issues.
Yay!!!!! So happy you're back to making your podcasts! Your words and stories have helped me so much in the past as I was dealing with separation and heartbreak from my alcoholic spouse. Although my marriage is over, I feel so much stronger and aware of issues that I have nothing to do with (even though in the past I thought all the issues were my fault and I needed to fix everything). In answering your question, YES I am a codependent and learning (slowly) to change my behavior and focus on me and things I am responsible for. Sooo thankful you are back! :D
Wendy! I love this. I still return to some of my old trusty tools too. xo
I have been saving all these e-mails since 2022. I really did not know just what to say as all the stories were about me and my life living with my drunk husband. As I sit here he has drank himself to sleep, and its only 6:30, I had the idea to finally say something. I'm sure you have heard this before, but this THING is not the man I married, and after 29 years of being married to him, this is what I am left with.
I know this is a disease, it happened so slow, and now it's full blown. Yes I still love him but in a much different way, I have nothing to look forward to just another day of him drinking for 5 hours and going to bed at 6:30. I guess I just had to say something.
Michelle, I’m re-doing the LOA program after I fell flat on my face by failing Lesson One of what not to do when you love someone suffering from addiction. I, who should have known better! Thank goodness, you gave us that program synopsis in 2022. Its truths are saving me from lapsing into despair. I’m trying to figure out how to rise up off my knees, dust myself off, and begin again. None of this is easy. I’m reading this sentence right now: “You are not responsible for their sobriety.” I forgot this somehow in the thick of the battle.
Ok. I literally had to step away from my phone for a while to contemplate whether to read further or not. I saw the scary word....co-dependent. So I shuffled around, checked socials & here I am. Facing that truth and reading another profound email from Michelle. 🙏🏼
I read it all. I came away from this post knowing I totally am co-dependent. I’ve been back & forth with this in my life for so long I can honestly say I did over come the issues to a point of having less emotional self talk,where I took a back seat. Then I faltered. I want to be that version of me again! The happy confident thin woman on my Drivers License! That was a few years ago. I slid. Hard. So square one this time is soooo ridiculous! I can’t turn on the self talk that I need to get to ‘there’. So I am trying. What I do is when I’m in the bathroom or bedroom where there is a mirror....I smile at myself & say hello. No judgement. Just for me. Maybe I have a thing or two to talk to myself about for a few seconds but if I look at myself and attempt the internal self talk that is defeating...well it just seems less important getting it out. It’s work! But who better to work for than yourself??? I am so blessed to have a bestie that checks in a few times weekly.
Bless u all. We will get thru. Thanks again Michelle for a safe space. 🙏🏼
Thank you Michelle!
I first read the codependency book in 2014 and it was a real eye opener. Even so, even with the total awareness, it is sooo very difficult to change. Baby steps everyday.
Up until this last 6 months, I was SO codependent with my husband. I stuck up for him over my own children… something I’m so not proud of now. Since he went to treatment and came back, I feel very different. Almost like the time away made the veil fall and I was able to see our relationship more clearly.
I’ve noticed my heart not reach out toward him when he tells me how he’s working through the steps. He completed step 9 last night with me & after years of wanting that conversation with him, I sincerely felt like it was closure on our dying marriage.. I’m not sure if that makes sense, but it’s the easiest way I know how to explain it.
Love this topic so much - keen for history not to repeat itself. The more you can teach about this the better , it’s solid gold x
How do I find your programs? When I go to the website it only brings me to the substack.