God's timing for sure. Had no idea what I was experiencing until I read this post. Passive aggressive behavior. Thank you for explaining all this!!! This disease is very cunning.
When I read this at first I was in denial that this is even me. “He doesn’t do that” so therefore he’s not an addict. But the passive aggressive is that he doesn’t want to talk about his drinking. “He hasn’t got a problem and it’s me that has the problem with drinking”. I no longer drink. I don’t know if he is an addict or not, my friend in AA says he’s not an alcoholic and he knows one when he sees one, but then why am I pained so much when he drinks, I get tired from it, I can see the damage it’s doing to my nervous system by being on higher alert but I tell myself it’s not that bad. I am a wise woman, I have to strengthen myself and choices. Thank you for not letting myself shrink and put up with it.
This is exactly what my husband says to me. “He hasn’t got a problem. It is me that has the problem.” I gave up drinking at home, but often wonder if I should give it up all together. Does everyone married to an alcoholic give it up completely?
For myself I’m happier not drinking altogether especially being in perimenopause, I see the pattern in his family, his mother doesn’t drink and his father is an alcoholic.
Addiction is a "No fault" disease. The family should not blame themselves for the addicts condition and behaviour. The family needs to modify their own behaviour to help the addict. They should know that the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more the uncontrollable starts controlling them.
WOW, Wow, wow, I can't believe how this just told my story. I could never understand how the man that claimed to love me so much could say some of the cruelist things to me or throw the most personal information I had shared with him in my face deliberately to hurt me and when he couldn't get a reaction would just spread lies about me and not remember ANY of it the next day. That is the most unfair part of all I have to relive it while he gets to live in ignorant blisss.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Once again you are in tune with how I am feeling. I have become an independent, loving and strong person using LOA. Michelle it shows you have been in the trenches. There is love over addiction.
I think sometimes the silence is also due to embarrassment. Sometimes things are just too painful to express and I think the alcohol tells them their significant other won’t understand anyway. I sort of picture the alcohol as a voice that whispers lies into the drinker’s ear … you haven’t had too many, you deserve this drink, etc. And I believe one way the alcohol can remain in control (as it desperately wants to remain in control) is to keep the alcoholic silent and keep a wall between the alcoholic and their loved ones. That’s why we get the abuse. If the alcohol can wreck that relationship, the closest relationship, the one the alcoholic voluntarily joined, then it really has control.
This is helpful. Thank you for sharing. I can see that embarrassment. And ai think seeing the alcohol as a voice is helpful because I'm dealing with a spouse who is different....not listening to me anymore. ...the alcohol is stronger. I appreciate your wisdom.
I always looked at the alcohol as the devil on his shoulder. Always ready to reck havoc - he was nasty n mean when drinking and the truth of his insecurities came flying out of his mouth. So sad 😭 all around. I’m done living in this hell …. He refused help. Nothing more I could do …. Sending hugs 💗
I have been where you are. It re-wires the brain and the person really does change. They are fed a pack of lies from the addictive substance and the more they listen to the lies the worse it gets.
You have to hold onto hope. My husband and I did some couples counseling that he says was not helpful; however, he did come around during the course of the counseling to see what was happening. He admitted during that time that he has an addiction and that he needed help. He went to a few AA meetings and as they say, I’ve seen (and welcomed) “progress not perfection”. He has had a few times of major back sliding and he doesn’t want to discuss it. And I have learned to leave him alone if I see that he’s trying. But I would say the couples counseling DID help and at the very least opened the door.
This post popped up for me today at the right time. This past weekend was a really hard one. My husband has been suffering with alcohol and cocaine addiction for a number of years now, he’s been to various counselling including counselling where we went together and has reduced his usage a lot. Things have been better this past year but addiction is still there lurking waiting to jump out on me and it jumped out this weekend. He went out and got drunk on Friday night and then carried on drinking through Saturday at home with me and our two young children. He wasn’t able to come to a family event that afternoon until he’d sobered up a bit, then he drank more again as soon as we got home. I felt so much anger and disappointment, and then felt annoyed with myself for allowing myself to let my guard down for a while and I should have known it wouldn’t last. He apologised on Sunday morning but this was soon forgotten when he wanted to drink again on Sunday afternoon. He’s now doing the sulking you mention today, downplaying the whole thing and refusing to talk about it. Mocking me for asking what advice he would give our daughter if she were me and coming to him for advice about her husband with a drinking problem. I feel so stuck ☹️
Hi Jules thanks for sharing. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. All these women sharing on line. When I am walking around out in the world I feel I am the only one living this but I know we are out there, strong together here online where we have a sisterhood. When i look around me today at the grocery store or the restaurant table next to me I will say to myself maybe that lady is Jules and she understands and has my back! 🥰
That is beautiful. We need to be a comfort to each other...we never know who is struggling at home! I tune in to AlAnon online meetings every morning where I am greeted in love and kindness. Helps everyday!!
That is so lovely and kind, thank you ❤️ it is so nice to know there is this safe space here where we can come and share our experiences and lift each other up. Sending love and strength to you ❤️
I hear you. I do. The stuck feeling hurts. You are most definitely not alone. This posts helps us see past the tricks of addiction. It’s a great question that’s why the mocking comes in, well done for asking it. I think sharing here has helped me this weekend.
what i told my daughter when she was dating a pot addict (if someone says you cant be addicted to pot i say Bull Sh**!! only an addict believes that), i told her she is worth the best of every good thing in this life. She is worth having a man who is sober, available, calm, takes responsibility for his actions, and can be an available dad as well as husband. Fortunately no kids for her yet, and then i said "you know what it has been like to be raised by an alcoholic, and now pot addicted parent. look at everything we have been through because of it. Do you want this for your future children?" She took a little longer to break up with him than i would have liked, and i found out later there was more abuse to her than just substances, but I am so glad he is gone and glad she made that choice. She is stronger now for it I am still with my kids' dad, but we have 30 years and 5 kids together I am getting tired of it though. so.very.very. tired. Deep down soul tired. I wish my mother or someone had told me something like this years ago... Would I have made different choices? I dont know. I do know I am so d*mn proud of my kids that I dont ever regret that, and if addiction wasnt an issue I would not question my choices at all It is only addiction that makes this a difficult marriage.
I don't know you, but I am praying for you right now. Yes, pot is addictive...I lived with a pothead for 17 years. It started subtly, but after our child was born, it got far worse...I have so many stories that most people think I am exaggerating (almost setting our house on fire, breaking doors when he didn't have any, falling asleep with our newborn in his arms), but it was all true! Pot is like the drug that can be hidden in plain sight, except for those the addict is closest to. It was that way for me. It took our 6 year old catching him smoking for others to know that I wasn't being hyperbolic. We got divorced last year, and being in a peaceful home with just my child and I has been transformative. I know you said 30 years and 5 kids, and the difficulty that poses for you I can't fathom...I can just share my experience after living with an addict for 17 years and seeing that it is better for us now. I didn't realize how abused I was, how much I was mocked and how passive-aggressive he was with me until I sat on the other side. We are stronger than we think! Much love and peace to you.
OMG! Michelle you just described my weekend. He hit every one. He is so mean to me. This one really helps me understand it’s not me. I’ve been really working on the detachment and focusing on my health and going about my daily things, work, keeping up with the house and my dogs and exercising. No kids. It can get lonely, but I know it’s up to me to stay or go. I even met with a lawyer and talking with a therapist. I just want some peace and “normalcy”. Just now at 1am he demanded me to take him to the hospital since he’s been on 5 day bender and now doesn’t feel well. He wanted me to take him to the emergency room. I said no, I guess I am a bad wife. But he actually called 911 and went on his own. Sad thing I don’t feel bad. Probably people will judge me but I just can’t deal with his drinking anymore. Also I have to get up at 430 am to get ready for working a 9 hour shift so I can keep a roof over my head. He has missed so much work I don’t know if he will even have his job to go back to. But I am so tired of all of this. Can’t leave, it’s my house, I have dogs and I need to go to work. And after speaking to a lawyer it seems a bit scary on getting him out of the house with a possible restraining order and such and he’s a mean drunk. It’s not even the fact that I will have to pay him spousal support it’s the getting him out of the house that is the scary part.
Sorry for the long post. I’m sending all of you here love, strength and support ❤️❤️.
I pray for your safety as you go about removing him from your life. And I pray you do remove him. No one deserves abuse. Not even the worst person deserves abuse. Justice, yes, but never abuse. May you get free and be safe.
This article is so timely, I literally was met with Passive aggressive behavior LAST night. I was attempting to set a boundary regarding our family finances. Even though, his behavior is suspect, I am trying to be gentle with myself and explained how unmanageable the situation is, he got defensive and turned it back on me then stopped talking to me. I learned that even setting boundaries for yourself hurts them and hurts their routines, and disrupts their 'blissful way of being'. Addicts don't like boundaries and will want to blame you for the change or bad behavior. But the boundaries still need to happen. I try to use the tool: 3A's, Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Thank you Michelle for the Awareness in this article, the Acceptance is our jobs, accept that Passive Aggression, Denial and Teasing will come up. If ahead of time I accept the conversation will likely end in the silent treatment, then it won't catch me off guard and make me angry. When I am ready I can move to Action and I won't allow myself to be upset or react or fall for these tactics.
The teasing! My husband likes to poke at me with behaviors he knows will annoy me because he can get me to lose my temper and snap at him. Then, I look like the bad guy and he has a reason to drink. If anyone witnesses this interaction, they are probably saying to themselves, “How does he stay with her? She’s such a harpy!” or “Now, I know why he drinks if that’s what he has to live with!” Sometimes, I think that, too, after I say something harsh in response to his behavior. I know, rationally, that’s not true, but the thought still lurks in my conscience.
I blows me away how he’s able to make me feel like it’s my fault when I know it’s not. Thank you so much for validating my feelings. The teasing & passive aggressive behaviour certainly does cut me to my core. How do I move myself away from this behaviour & stop reacting without leaving the man I love so deeply?
Oh exactly! He truly is a wonderful man and I enjoy our marriage and I do love him so much, but why are you treating me this way? And yourself, because ultimately these behaviours don't make them feel good about themselves. They feel guilt and shame, humiliation, sadness, and whatever else about the ways they hurt the people they love, and yet they continue doing it. Why? What is the obsession and compulsion to use whatever substance or action they arre addicted to? I just dont understand it.
The passive-aggressive treatment hits home, almost word for word. Thank you. My addict has also made a reference to a courtroom, just as you mention. (I was once calmly trying to explain that I’d simply missed a text message from him about where and when I was supposed to meet him. He raged back at me with a scary fury that, “You’re not a lawyer! This is not a courtroom!” Then began the silent treatment and blocking me.
Hey Michelle - long time follower here and huge fan of yours. I bought several of your LOA programs. I love all of the information you share. I started following you on here when you left your Facebook platform. However, I am sad to say I became distracted by everyday life and haven’t been following the program. Of course Addiction has reared its ugly head again and I know that I need to get back to practicing the LOA advice. I was going to start listening to your podcast again and the newest one I am seeing is in May 2024. Do you plan to continue? I really miss you and am realizing I need to keep my recovery front and center in my life. Maybe even forever. Anyway - I am going to go back and listen to old podcasts and read your articles here, but really hoping you will continue to put out new podcasts. Sincerely - one of your biggest fans! Thank you for being so kind over the years and teaching me so much.
I just listened to your May 24 podcast and heard that you are taking a little break to work on a new project. Good luck and I can’t wait to hear what you are working on!
God's timing for sure. Had no idea what I was experiencing until I read this post. Passive aggressive behavior. Thank you for explaining all this!!! This disease is very cunning.
I had no idea either before reading this post.
When I read this at first I was in denial that this is even me. “He doesn’t do that” so therefore he’s not an addict. But the passive aggressive is that he doesn’t want to talk about his drinking. “He hasn’t got a problem and it’s me that has the problem with drinking”. I no longer drink. I don’t know if he is an addict or not, my friend in AA says he’s not an alcoholic and he knows one when he sees one, but then why am I pained so much when he drinks, I get tired from it, I can see the damage it’s doing to my nervous system by being on higher alert but I tell myself it’s not that bad. I am a wise woman, I have to strengthen myself and choices. Thank you for not letting myself shrink and put up with it.
It is taxing on the nervous system
This is exactly what my husband says to me. “He hasn’t got a problem. It is me that has the problem.” I gave up drinking at home, but often wonder if I should give it up all together. Does everyone married to an alcoholic give it up completely?
For myself I’m happier not drinking altogether especially being in perimenopause, I see the pattern in his family, his mother doesn’t drink and his father is an alcoholic.
Thank you. It is a question I have been wanting to ask others for a long time.
The timing upon receiving this email had to be God using you! I’ve been encouraged and blessed. Thank you.
I feel the same way. Just away on a beautiful family vaca but that means cold turkey for him which means I’m
Ignored. It’s hard.
Addiction is a "No fault" disease. The family should not blame themselves for the addicts condition and behaviour. The family needs to modify their own behaviour to help the addict. They should know that the more you try to control the uncontrollable, the more the uncontrollable starts controlling them.
Thank you for writing this!!! So true!!!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
WOW, Wow, wow, I can't believe how this just told my story. I could never understand how the man that claimed to love me so much could say some of the cruelist things to me or throw the most personal information I had shared with him in my face deliberately to hurt me and when he couldn't get a reaction would just spread lies about me and not remember ANY of it the next day. That is the most unfair part of all I have to relive it while he gets to live in ignorant blisss.
My journal entry this morning:
“Hindsight is 20/20” … such a truthful concept.
Live and learn. Fall down and get back up. Keep moving forward, keep breathing. There’s still goodness to be found.
Or as Taylor Swift wrote, “Shake it off, shake it off!” 😉
If only it was that easy huh? 🫶🏼
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Once again you are in tune with how I am feeling. I have become an independent, loving and strong person using LOA. Michelle it shows you have been in the trenches. There is love over addiction.
Such a good topic and as always, well said!
I think sometimes the silence is also due to embarrassment. Sometimes things are just too painful to express and I think the alcohol tells them their significant other won’t understand anyway. I sort of picture the alcohol as a voice that whispers lies into the drinker’s ear … you haven’t had too many, you deserve this drink, etc. And I believe one way the alcohol can remain in control (as it desperately wants to remain in control) is to keep the alcoholic silent and keep a wall between the alcoholic and their loved ones. That’s why we get the abuse. If the alcohol can wreck that relationship, the closest relationship, the one the alcoholic voluntarily joined, then it really has control.
This is helpful. Thank you for sharing. I can see that embarrassment. And ai think seeing the alcohol as a voice is helpful because I'm dealing with a spouse who is different....not listening to me anymore. ...the alcohol is stronger. I appreciate your wisdom.
I always looked at the alcohol as the devil on his shoulder. Always ready to reck havoc - he was nasty n mean when drinking and the truth of his insecurities came flying out of his mouth. So sad 😭 all around. I’m done living in this hell …. He refused help. Nothing more I could do …. Sending hugs 💗
I have been where you are. It re-wires the brain and the person really does change. They are fed a pack of lies from the addictive substance and the more they listen to the lies the worse it gets.
Is there any communication possible? I signed us up for therapy but I don't know if it's going to help at all.
You have to hold onto hope. My husband and I did some couples counseling that he says was not helpful; however, he did come around during the course of the counseling to see what was happening. He admitted during that time that he has an addiction and that he needed help. He went to a few AA meetings and as they say, I’ve seen (and welcomed) “progress not perfection”. He has had a few times of major back sliding and he doesn’t want to discuss it. And I have learned to leave him alone if I see that he’s trying. But I would say the couples counseling DID help and at the very least opened the door.
I hope this helps. Hugs to you my sister.
This post popped up for me today at the right time. This past weekend was a really hard one. My husband has been suffering with alcohol and cocaine addiction for a number of years now, he’s been to various counselling including counselling where we went together and has reduced his usage a lot. Things have been better this past year but addiction is still there lurking waiting to jump out on me and it jumped out this weekend. He went out and got drunk on Friday night and then carried on drinking through Saturday at home with me and our two young children. He wasn’t able to come to a family event that afternoon until he’d sobered up a bit, then he drank more again as soon as we got home. I felt so much anger and disappointment, and then felt annoyed with myself for allowing myself to let my guard down for a while and I should have known it wouldn’t last. He apologised on Sunday morning but this was soon forgotten when he wanted to drink again on Sunday afternoon. He’s now doing the sulking you mention today, downplaying the whole thing and refusing to talk about it. Mocking me for asking what advice he would give our daughter if she were me and coming to him for advice about her husband with a drinking problem. I feel so stuck ☹️
Hi Jules thanks for sharing. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. All these women sharing on line. When I am walking around out in the world I feel I am the only one living this but I know we are out there, strong together here online where we have a sisterhood. When i look around me today at the grocery store or the restaurant table next to me I will say to myself maybe that lady is Jules and she understands and has my back! 🥰
That is beautiful. We need to be a comfort to each other...we never know who is struggling at home! I tune in to AlAnon online meetings every morning where I am greeted in love and kindness. Helps everyday!!
That is so lovely and kind, thank you ❤️ it is so nice to know there is this safe space here where we can come and share our experiences and lift each other up. Sending love and strength to you ❤️
Thank you for writing this. I needed to hear it. ❤️
I hear you. I do. The stuck feeling hurts. You are most definitely not alone. This posts helps us see past the tricks of addiction. It’s a great question that’s why the mocking comes in, well done for asking it. I think sharing here has helped me this weekend.
what i told my daughter when she was dating a pot addict (if someone says you cant be addicted to pot i say Bull Sh**!! only an addict believes that), i told her she is worth the best of every good thing in this life. She is worth having a man who is sober, available, calm, takes responsibility for his actions, and can be an available dad as well as husband. Fortunately no kids for her yet, and then i said "you know what it has been like to be raised by an alcoholic, and now pot addicted parent. look at everything we have been through because of it. Do you want this for your future children?" She took a little longer to break up with him than i would have liked, and i found out later there was more abuse to her than just substances, but I am so glad he is gone and glad she made that choice. She is stronger now for it I am still with my kids' dad, but we have 30 years and 5 kids together I am getting tired of it though. so.very.very. tired. Deep down soul tired. I wish my mother or someone had told me something like this years ago... Would I have made different choices? I dont know. I do know I am so d*mn proud of my kids that I dont ever regret that, and if addiction wasnt an issue I would not question my choices at all It is only addiction that makes this a difficult marriage.
Yes. Your last sentence resonates with me. It is so difficult when there is so many good qualities in the addict.
I don't know you, but I am praying for you right now. Yes, pot is addictive...I lived with a pothead for 17 years. It started subtly, but after our child was born, it got far worse...I have so many stories that most people think I am exaggerating (almost setting our house on fire, breaking doors when he didn't have any, falling asleep with our newborn in his arms), but it was all true! Pot is like the drug that can be hidden in plain sight, except for those the addict is closest to. It was that way for me. It took our 6 year old catching him smoking for others to know that I wasn't being hyperbolic. We got divorced last year, and being in a peaceful home with just my child and I has been transformative. I know you said 30 years and 5 kids, and the difficulty that poses for you I can't fathom...I can just share my experience after living with an addict for 17 years and seeing that it is better for us now. I didn't realize how abused I was, how much I was mocked and how passive-aggressive he was with me until I sat on the other side. We are stronger than we think! Much love and peace to you.
OMG! Michelle you just described my weekend. He hit every one. He is so mean to me. This one really helps me understand it’s not me. I’ve been really working on the detachment and focusing on my health and going about my daily things, work, keeping up with the house and my dogs and exercising. No kids. It can get lonely, but I know it’s up to me to stay or go. I even met with a lawyer and talking with a therapist. I just want some peace and “normalcy”. Just now at 1am he demanded me to take him to the hospital since he’s been on 5 day bender and now doesn’t feel well. He wanted me to take him to the emergency room. I said no, I guess I am a bad wife. But he actually called 911 and went on his own. Sad thing I don’t feel bad. Probably people will judge me but I just can’t deal with his drinking anymore. Also I have to get up at 430 am to get ready for working a 9 hour shift so I can keep a roof over my head. He has missed so much work I don’t know if he will even have his job to go back to. But I am so tired of all of this. Can’t leave, it’s my house, I have dogs and I need to go to work. And after speaking to a lawyer it seems a bit scary on getting him out of the house with a possible restraining order and such and he’s a mean drunk. It’s not even the fact that I will have to pay him spousal support it’s the getting him out of the house that is the scary part.
Sorry for the long post. I’m sending all of you here love, strength and support ❤️❤️.
I pray for your safety as you go about removing him from your life. And I pray you do remove him. No one deserves abuse. Not even the worst person deserves abuse. Justice, yes, but never abuse. May you get free and be safe.
Thank you for your response and validating that I am not crazy.
This article is so timely, I literally was met with Passive aggressive behavior LAST night. I was attempting to set a boundary regarding our family finances. Even though, his behavior is suspect, I am trying to be gentle with myself and explained how unmanageable the situation is, he got defensive and turned it back on me then stopped talking to me. I learned that even setting boundaries for yourself hurts them and hurts their routines, and disrupts their 'blissful way of being'. Addicts don't like boundaries and will want to blame you for the change or bad behavior. But the boundaries still need to happen. I try to use the tool: 3A's, Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Thank you Michelle for the Awareness in this article, the Acceptance is our jobs, accept that Passive Aggression, Denial and Teasing will come up. If ahead of time I accept the conversation will likely end in the silent treatment, then it won't catch me off guard and make me angry. When I am ready I can move to Action and I won't allow myself to be upset or react or fall for these tactics.
Thank you for posting this. I now know about the behaviors and how cunning they can be. Ugh!!!
The teasing! My husband likes to poke at me with behaviors he knows will annoy me because he can get me to lose my temper and snap at him. Then, I look like the bad guy and he has a reason to drink. If anyone witnesses this interaction, they are probably saying to themselves, “How does he stay with her? She’s such a harpy!” or “Now, I know why he drinks if that’s what he has to live with!” Sometimes, I think that, too, after I say something harsh in response to his behavior. I know, rationally, that’s not true, but the thought still lurks in my conscience.
I blows me away how he’s able to make me feel like it’s my fault when I know it’s not. Thank you so much for validating my feelings. The teasing & passive aggressive behaviour certainly does cut me to my core. How do I move myself away from this behaviour & stop reacting without leaving the man I love so deeply?
Oh exactly! He truly is a wonderful man and I enjoy our marriage and I do love him so much, but why are you treating me this way? And yourself, because ultimately these behaviours don't make them feel good about themselves. They feel guilt and shame, humiliation, sadness, and whatever else about the ways they hurt the people they love, and yet they continue doing it. Why? What is the obsession and compulsion to use whatever substance or action they arre addicted to? I just dont understand it.
The passive-aggressive treatment hits home, almost word for word. Thank you. My addict has also made a reference to a courtroom, just as you mention. (I was once calmly trying to explain that I’d simply missed a text message from him about where and when I was supposed to meet him. He raged back at me with a scary fury that, “You’re not a lawyer! This is not a courtroom!” Then began the silent treatment and blocking me.
Hey Michelle - long time follower here and huge fan of yours. I bought several of your LOA programs. I love all of the information you share. I started following you on here when you left your Facebook platform. However, I am sad to say I became distracted by everyday life and haven’t been following the program. Of course Addiction has reared its ugly head again and I know that I need to get back to practicing the LOA advice. I was going to start listening to your podcast again and the newest one I am seeing is in May 2024. Do you plan to continue? I really miss you and am realizing I need to keep my recovery front and center in my life. Maybe even forever. Anyway - I am going to go back and listen to old podcasts and read your articles here, but really hoping you will continue to put out new podcasts. Sincerely - one of your biggest fans! Thank you for being so kind over the years and teaching me so much.
I just listened to your May 24 podcast and heard that you are taking a little break to work on a new project. Good luck and I can’t wait to hear what you are working on!