Three Ways Addiction Makes Us Feel Like It's Our Fault

When we love someone suffering from addiction, we can often get into the bad habit of blaming ourselves for their poor behavior. Addiction is manipulative and cunning. Becoming educated women will ensure we don’t fall for one of the most common lies in the addiction playbook: if WE change, they will get sober.

We have nothing to do with their sobriety. Truly. We could leave, we could stay, we could change every single trait about ourselves, and they would STILL need to decide for themselves to commit to a sober life and continue to make that choice every day for the rest of their lives. And that choice - the choice to get healthy, has nothing to do with us.

Here are three common ways addiction tries to trick us into taking the blame:

Passive-aggressive behavior - Giving us the silent treatment or refusing to sit down and talk to us about their hurtful behavior is passive-aggressive. This type of behavior can also look like our partners walking around, sulking, and refusing to take part in responsibilities. Our partner’s behavior is saying; you behaved badly, so you don’t deserve my attention. I will punish you by denying your needs and existence.

Usually, this kind of behavior occurs after we have tried to stick up for ourselves and express our feelings. Passive-aggressive behavior is an attempt to try and control us, to keep us in our place. Addiction is trying to teach us a lesson: if you stand up for yourself, I will punish you. I will give you consequences by taking my love away, so you better not do that again. You better keep your mouth shut and just be grateful for what you get.

Denial - We know there’s a problem with their drinking, drug use, infidelity, or pornography use. We see very clearly that our partner's behavior is sometimes not ok. But they minimize our feelings. Refusing to own any part of their bad behavior. Trying to convince them they need help is like going into a courtroom and presenting “our case,” but it never results in a verdict that validates our feelings. The truth is never fully revealed.

So we try different approaches, the “kind, thoughtful partner” approach where we come from a place of gentleness, hoping to make them feel safe enough to admit their poor choices. We also try the threatening approach: “If you don’t get the help, I’m leaving.” Some of us even try the “begging and pleading” approach. We try it all - because we love them. But how can they ever get sober if they’re not willing to admit they have a problem? If they admit it - then they can no longer deny it. Denial is how addiction keeps getting away with destruction.

Teasing - This can be the most hurtful behavior of all because teasing or mocking us is not ignoring us - it’s degrading and belittling our feelings. When we are being teased, or our feelings are belittled by our partners, it’s mean. It’s bullying behavior.

It’s common for addicts to feel insecure about their life choices, so they take something vulnerable that we have shared in an attempt to create intimacy and use it against us. They use secrets that we feel ashamed of and weaponize them. Ammunition used to blow us away. The trust we feel by sharing our secrets is used to cut us at the core. How could someone, take the vulnerable moment that connected us, twist it to use against us?

We feel belittled, ashamed, and embarrassed all over again. The acceptance we once felt from the ones we love, morphs into crulity.

Can you relate to this? I know I fell for all these tricks. This disease is not our fault. We are wise women. There’s no judgment or shame here. We are not alone and I would love to hear from you in the comments.

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