Hi, how are you feeling lately? It's a tough time of year, but I'm here for you. I'm thinking of you, and I want you to know that whatever you're feeling is okay and it's normal and that a lot of us can relate to you even when it feels like the rest of the world doesn't quite understand. We understand.
Thank you for this. I definitely needed this. He argues with me all the time when he’s drunk. Especially telling me I do everything wrong and I’m an idiot,etc. I want to defend myself and the argument begins and it can get very bad and even though I know I’m right, of course I am lol, I can’t explain to him that is wrong when he’s drunk. When he is sober, which isn’t often, he’ll agree that was wrong of him to say but that really doesn’t make me feel much better. I’m definitely going to try these steps the next time, which will be soon because he’s already started drinking for the long holiday weekend.
God, I needed this one this week... My recovering husband and I had been getting along pretty well as of recently and then in one triggering fauxpaus we were back to square one. I literally morphed from content, happy me to broken, in pain, hostile me from when he was in rehab and I found the depths of all his addictions... And I'm still angry. 5 days later since our blow out and I am STILL so, so angry and triggered. It's almost like there is another me within myself that just sprung out of the shadows and I'm trying to shove her back into the closet of my being... Marriage to an addict, in recovery or not, is so so hard. I have to do daily gratitude lists and text my sponsor a lot. If there is one thing I'm grateful for, it's the number of people who have come into my life to walk beside me in this journey, because it's their journey too.
Mine doesn’t argue. He just flatly denies he has been drinking. So I start doubting he really is drinking. He will blame his medication or that he is tired. I can always tell though. He goes months without a drink then just when I think all is well BAM! Repeat. I can’t leave him without sacrificing living in my home.
Needed this tonite. Had this scenario at 6:30 am in the morning today and he left at 2pm yesterday to get propane for our BBQ for a family dinner. Old me would have wanted to get upset and be sad that he just abandon all of us. Still a work in progress. But I am way better at staying in my own lane until I am ready to have a genuine and calm conversation.
I learned this lesson too late. The day I walked into the other room to get away from his addiction is the day he OD'D on fentanyl .....I used to spend money on myself and tell him why I was doing it. I would let him know that if he wanted to get high and use money stupidly...so could I ....you are giving great advice to wait until you are not angry and possibly he or she is not high
Several years ago, I set a boundary that I would not engage with him when he’s drunk. That has morphed into us really never talking to each other anymore. So while it’s not volatile, it’s nothing. I leave the room and ignore him most nights, since he’s either outside smoking and drinking, or passed out on the couch (like he is now). We sleep in separate rooms.
I felt like I was getting healthy, not letting his behaviors control me anymore. But I realized this Christmas with my family and friends that I’ve detached myself from everyone, not just him! Who have I become?! And just like that, without a clue, I feel lost all over again, like I somehow “did it wrong” and now I need to figure out how to find some balance.
Welp, it’s Christmas Eve and I sat down to read this because my husband has been drinking secretly all night. His family just left the house and so he made a stronger drink and passed out in the chair. Now I have to fight how to get the huge basketball goal out of his truck and bring it in for the boys Santa gift all by myself because God know when he’ll get up and if he’ll just keep drinking or if he’ll sober up for Christmas Day. It’s a constant game of trying to figure out what his next move will be, and I’m exhausted. Michelle I’ve listened to you for years, and have learned so much, and learning these tips really are so important and help keep peace in my life and my kids. I’ll admit I have days where I can’t hold it in and it gets really ugly. But if I can’t stay quiet until I can talk to him when he’s sober it’s better.
This is my first Christmas being divorced from an addict. He is still living in my basement because he is broke, and yes still very much an addict. I still can't believe that I wasted 17 years...but then I look at my beautiful 7yo and realize God had a reason for my lack of strength in leaving. If I had left, I wouldn't have become a mom, which is the greatest gift this I could ever have this and every Christmas. When this is finally over (hopefully I can get him out by February), I will pray for him, but I will finally let go of the responsibility for his addiction. I have suffered for years wondering why my child and I weren't enough for him to quit. I am resolving to NOT say that to myself anymore in 2024. Those of you still living with an addict, I pray that you too can find a way out or a way through!!
My husband has struggled on and off with alcohol. We lost our youngest son this May in a motorcycle accident 😢 He has been sneaking alcohol alot since my son's death. He thinks he's fooling me but his personality changes into an angry, condescending, taunting man. He says awful things to me and about me. I do my best to stay quiet, walk away etc, but our house is not large and it is hard to find refuge. Now it's winter, I work into the evening and it ticks me off that I have to pack up and leave right when I get home from work...I too am deeply grieving my son and am struggling to deal with the loss and my husband's drinking and lying and abusive words the minute I walk in. I am angry..all the time wasted, how it affected our family, our marriage, the trust. I have used many of your suggestions and they have helped me , but sometimes I just can't deal with what he says and try to defend myself, despite everytime he drinks he says the same mean crap. After losing my son, I can barely get through the day much less come home to this😪 Thanks for listening...another bad night
Thank you so much, Michelle for this article. I am married to an alcoholic denier. I am so angry that I am married to one but God brought him to my life. However, this anger and resentment has cause him to blame me for everything. He is blaming me for my behavior, that I am unkind, that I don’t care about him, that I don’t cook well for him, that I never give him credit, that I am selfish. When I hang out with my friends or go shopping as distraction from the addiction, he would blame me for going out to cheat. It is so hard for me to hear all these things from someone I love, my life partner. When I voice all these things to him when he is sober, he tells me that I am pulling a victim card. I am at a loss on how to deal with this. It seems never ending and it’s a daily struggle.
When husband is drunk is the only time he is argumentative. If he’s sober, he just glares at me and won’t speak, except to say “Oh, here we go!”
LOA taught me the benefits of keeping a quiet mouth. I calm down by getting away from him and distracting myself by listening to helpful podcasts or reading AlAnon materials. I join online AlAnon meetings and just listen. I journal electronically when I’m really angry (password protected.) Music doesn’t really help me the way it does others.
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Thank you for this. I definitely needed this. He argues with me all the time when he’s drunk. Especially telling me I do everything wrong and I’m an idiot,etc. I want to defend myself and the argument begins and it can get very bad and even though I know I’m right, of course I am lol, I can’t explain to him that is wrong when he’s drunk. When he is sober, which isn’t often, he’ll agree that was wrong of him to say but that really doesn’t make me feel much better. I’m definitely going to try these steps the next time, which will be soon because he’s already started drinking for the long holiday weekend.
God, I needed this one this week... My recovering husband and I had been getting along pretty well as of recently and then in one triggering fauxpaus we were back to square one. I literally morphed from content, happy me to broken, in pain, hostile me from when he was in rehab and I found the depths of all his addictions... And I'm still angry. 5 days later since our blow out and I am STILL so, so angry and triggered. It's almost like there is another me within myself that just sprung out of the shadows and I'm trying to shove her back into the closet of my being... Marriage to an addict, in recovery or not, is so so hard. I have to do daily gratitude lists and text my sponsor a lot. If there is one thing I'm grateful for, it's the number of people who have come into my life to walk beside me in this journey, because it's their journey too.
Mine doesn’t argue. He just flatly denies he has been drinking. So I start doubting he really is drinking. He will blame his medication or that he is tired. I can always tell though. He goes months without a drink then just when I think all is well BAM! Repeat. I can’t leave him without sacrificing living in my home.
So much anger so much ! I feel i have had to learn to put aside my actual values & wants in life, to live a cordial life for our 3 girls
Needed this tonite. Had this scenario at 6:30 am in the morning today and he left at 2pm yesterday to get propane for our BBQ for a family dinner. Old me would have wanted to get upset and be sad that he just abandon all of us. Still a work in progress. But I am way better at staying in my own lane until I am ready to have a genuine and calm conversation.
I learned this lesson too late. The day I walked into the other room to get away from his addiction is the day he OD'D on fentanyl .....I used to spend money on myself and tell him why I was doing it. I would let him know that if he wanted to get high and use money stupidly...so could I ....you are giving great advice to wait until you are not angry and possibly he or she is not high
Several years ago, I set a boundary that I would not engage with him when he’s drunk. That has morphed into us really never talking to each other anymore. So while it’s not volatile, it’s nothing. I leave the room and ignore him most nights, since he’s either outside smoking and drinking, or passed out on the couch (like he is now). We sleep in separate rooms.
I felt like I was getting healthy, not letting his behaviors control me anymore. But I realized this Christmas with my family and friends that I’ve detached myself from everyone, not just him! Who have I become?! And just like that, without a clue, I feel lost all over again, like I somehow “did it wrong” and now I need to figure out how to find some balance.
Welp, it’s Christmas Eve and I sat down to read this because my husband has been drinking secretly all night. His family just left the house and so he made a stronger drink and passed out in the chair. Now I have to fight how to get the huge basketball goal out of his truck and bring it in for the boys Santa gift all by myself because God know when he’ll get up and if he’ll just keep drinking or if he’ll sober up for Christmas Day. It’s a constant game of trying to figure out what his next move will be, and I’m exhausted. Michelle I’ve listened to you for years, and have learned so much, and learning these tips really are so important and help keep peace in my life and my kids. I’ll admit I have days where I can’t hold it in and it gets really ugly. But if I can’t stay quiet until I can talk to him when he’s sober it’s better.
This is my first Christmas being divorced from an addict. He is still living in my basement because he is broke, and yes still very much an addict. I still can't believe that I wasted 17 years...but then I look at my beautiful 7yo and realize God had a reason for my lack of strength in leaving. If I had left, I wouldn't have become a mom, which is the greatest gift this I could ever have this and every Christmas. When this is finally over (hopefully I can get him out by February), I will pray for him, but I will finally let go of the responsibility for his addiction. I have suffered for years wondering why my child and I weren't enough for him to quit. I am resolving to NOT say that to myself anymore in 2024. Those of you still living with an addict, I pray that you too can find a way out or a way through!!
Michelle, where can I purchase your program???
My husband has struggled on and off with alcohol. We lost our youngest son this May in a motorcycle accident 😢 He has been sneaking alcohol alot since my son's death. He thinks he's fooling me but his personality changes into an angry, condescending, taunting man. He says awful things to me and about me. I do my best to stay quiet, walk away etc, but our house is not large and it is hard to find refuge. Now it's winter, I work into the evening and it ticks me off that I have to pack up and leave right when I get home from work...I too am deeply grieving my son and am struggling to deal with the loss and my husband's drinking and lying and abusive words the minute I walk in. I am angry..all the time wasted, how it affected our family, our marriage, the trust. I have used many of your suggestions and they have helped me , but sometimes I just can't deal with what he says and try to defend myself, despite everytime he drinks he says the same mean crap. After losing my son, I can barely get through the day much less come home to this😪 Thanks for listening...another bad night
Thank you so much, Michelle for this article. I am married to an alcoholic denier. I am so angry that I am married to one but God brought him to my life. However, this anger and resentment has cause him to blame me for everything. He is blaming me for my behavior, that I am unkind, that I don’t care about him, that I don’t cook well for him, that I never give him credit, that I am selfish. When I hang out with my friends or go shopping as distraction from the addiction, he would blame me for going out to cheat. It is so hard for me to hear all these things from someone I love, my life partner. When I voice all these things to him when he is sober, he tells me that I am pulling a victim card. I am at a loss on how to deal with this. It seems never ending and it’s a daily struggle.
When husband is drunk is the only time he is argumentative. If he’s sober, he just glares at me and won’t speak, except to say “Oh, here we go!”
LOA taught me the benefits of keeping a quiet mouth. I calm down by getting away from him and distracting myself by listening to helpful podcasts or reading AlAnon materials. I join online AlAnon meetings and just listen. I journal electronically when I’m really angry (password protected.) Music doesn’t really help me the way it does others.
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Cindy
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Cindy