Thank you for this. I definitely needed this. He argues with me all the time when he’s drunk. Especially telling me I do everything wrong and I’m an idiot,etc. I want to defend myself and the argument begins and it can get very bad and even though I know I’m right, of course I am lol, I can’t explain to him that is wrong when he’s drunk. When he is sober, which isn’t often, he’ll agree that was wrong of him to say but that really doesn’t make me feel much better. I’m definitely going to try these steps the next time, which will be soon because he’s already started drinking for the long holiday weekend.
God, I needed this one this week... My recovering husband and I had been getting along pretty well as of recently and then in one triggering fauxpaus we were back to square one. I literally morphed from content, happy me to broken, in pain, hostile me from when he was in rehab and I found the depths of all his addictions... And I'm still angry. 5 days later since our blow out and I am STILL so, so angry and triggered. It's almost like there is another me within myself that just sprung out of the shadows and I'm trying to shove her back into the closet of my being... Marriage to an addict, in recovery or not, is so so hard. I have to do daily gratitude lists and text my sponsor a lot. If there is one thing I'm grateful for, it's the number of people who have come into my life to walk beside me in this journey, because it's their journey too.
Mine doesn’t argue. He just flatly denies he has been drinking. So I start doubting he really is drinking. He will blame his medication or that he is tired. I can always tell though. He goes months without a drink then just when I think all is well BAM! Repeat. I can’t leave him without sacrificing living in my home.
I know this feeling sooo much. Except we don't have kids hanging in the balance; we have a business. Even in my own recovery process dealing with a recovering addict i am angry often
Needed this tonite. Had this scenario at 6:30 am in the morning today and he left at 2pm yesterday to get propane for our BBQ for a family dinner. Old me would have wanted to get upset and be sad that he just abandon all of us. Still a work in progress. But I am way better at staying in my own lane until I am ready to have a genuine and calm conversation.
I learned this lesson too late. The day I walked into the other room to get away from his addiction is the day he OD'D on fentanyl .....I used to spend money on myself and tell him why I was doing it. I would let him know that if he wanted to get high and use money stupidly...so could I ....you are giving great advice to wait until you are not angry and possibly he or she is not high
Several years ago, I set a boundary that I would not engage with him when he’s drunk. That has morphed into us really never talking to each other anymore. So while it’s not volatile, it’s nothing. I leave the room and ignore him most nights, since he’s either outside smoking and drinking, or passed out on the couch (like he is now). We sleep in separate rooms.
I felt like I was getting healthy, not letting his behaviors control me anymore. But I realized this Christmas with my family and friends that I’ve detached myself from everyone, not just him! Who have I become?! And just like that, without a clue, I feel lost all over again, like I somehow “did it wrong” and now I need to figure out how to find some balance.
This is where I am at as well. It is so hard discovering that while you thought you were dealing with the problem the best way you could, you have lost yourself. I have told myself, I will not have another Christmas like this!
I don’t feel like you did it wrong at all. Detachment from their problems isn’t easy, and sometimes to successfully detach from our drinker, we also must make a clean break from everyone. Once we find our footing again, adding back safe people into our inner sanctum is an exercise of joy.
I sure hope so. I did contact a gf with whom I’ve detached and poured my heart out to her. She was most receptive and caring, but I still feel sh*tty. Baby steps…
Welp, it’s Christmas Eve and I sat down to read this because my husband has been drinking secretly all night. His family just left the house and so he made a stronger drink and passed out in the chair. Now I have to fight how to get the huge basketball goal out of his truck and bring it in for the boys Santa gift all by myself because God know when he’ll get up and if he’ll just keep drinking or if he’ll sober up for Christmas Day. It’s a constant game of trying to figure out what his next move will be, and I’m exhausted. Michelle I’ve listened to you for years, and have learned so much, and learning these tips really are so important and help keep peace in my life and my kids. I’ll admit I have days where I can’t hold it in and it gets really ugly. But if I can’t stay quiet until I can talk to him when he’s sober it’s better.
I’m so sorry you have to go through that and try to still take care of the kids so they get to enjoy their Christmas.
My husband has been sober 11 days after a scare and ER visit. You would think that without the alcohol, things would be more calm and enjoyable, but that hasn’t been the case. I was wrapping presents last night and trying to talk to him since he has absolutely no idea what I bought for our kids and he still was tuned out. He couldn’t hear what I said and from the next room I heard him say why the f@&? Is she talking to me. Then he told me straight to my face to stop talking to him. Then got mad at me when he asked me a question and I wouldn’t respond. I finished wrapping gifts with tears streaming down my cheeks. When does it get better?
I’m so sorry. I know what you are feeling, and it’s so hard. My husband has been to the ER countless times and told so many times he’s lucky to be alive, yet he keeps drinking. I don’t know what his rock bottom is or what your husband’s is but I guess the only way it gets better is when one of us figures it out and changes the situation. Praying for you and your family.
This is my first Christmas being divorced from an addict. He is still living in my basement because he is broke, and yes still very much an addict. I still can't believe that I wasted 17 years...but then I look at my beautiful 7yo and realize God had a reason for my lack of strength in leaving. If I had left, I wouldn't have become a mom, which is the greatest gift this I could ever have this and every Christmas. When this is finally over (hopefully I can get him out by February), I will pray for him, but I will finally let go of the responsibility for his addiction. I have suffered for years wondering why my child and I weren't enough for him to quit. I am resolving to NOT say that to myself anymore in 2024. Those of you still living with an addict, I pray that you too can find a way out or a way through!!
My husband has struggled on and off with alcohol. We lost our youngest son this May in a motorcycle accident 😢 He has been sneaking alcohol alot since my son's death. He thinks he's fooling me but his personality changes into an angry, condescending, taunting man. He says awful things to me and about me. I do my best to stay quiet, walk away etc, but our house is not large and it is hard to find refuge. Now it's winter, I work into the evening and it ticks me off that I have to pack up and leave right when I get home from work...I too am deeply grieving my son and am struggling to deal with the loss and my husband's drinking and lying and abusive words the minute I walk in. I am angry..all the time wasted, how it affected our family, our marriage, the trust. I have used many of your suggestions and they have helped me , but sometimes I just can't deal with what he says and try to defend myself, despite everytime he drinks he says the same mean crap. After losing my son, I can barely get through the day much less come home to this😪 Thanks for listening...another bad night
Thank you so much, Michelle for this article. I am married to an alcoholic denier. I am so angry that I am married to one but God brought him to my life. However, this anger and resentment has cause him to blame me for everything. He is blaming me for my behavior, that I am unkind, that I don’t care about him, that I don’t cook well for him, that I never give him credit, that I am selfish. When I hang out with my friends or go shopping as distraction from the addiction, he would blame me for going out to cheat. It is so hard for me to hear all these things from someone I love, my life partner. When I voice all these things to him when he is sober, he tells me that I am pulling a victim card. I am at a loss on how to deal with this. It seems never ending and it’s a daily struggle.
When husband is drunk is the only time he is argumentative. If he’s sober, he just glares at me and won’t speak, except to say “Oh, here we go!”
LOA taught me the benefits of keeping a quiet mouth. I calm down by getting away from him and distracting myself by listening to helpful podcasts or reading AlAnon materials. I join online AlAnon meetings and just listen. I journal electronically when I’m really angry (password protected.) Music doesn’t really help me the way it does others.
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Thank you for this. I definitely needed this. He argues with me all the time when he’s drunk. Especially telling me I do everything wrong and I’m an idiot,etc. I want to defend myself and the argument begins and it can get very bad and even though I know I’m right, of course I am lol, I can’t explain to him that is wrong when he’s drunk. When he is sober, which isn’t often, he’ll agree that was wrong of him to say but that really doesn’t make me feel much better. I’m definitely going to try these steps the next time, which will be soon because he’s already started drinking for the long holiday weekend.
Holidays can be so hard. I love that you’re trying something new.
Ok I already flunked this assignment today. I’ll try again tomorrow!
Your not alone...sadly
God, I needed this one this week... My recovering husband and I had been getting along pretty well as of recently and then in one triggering fauxpaus we were back to square one. I literally morphed from content, happy me to broken, in pain, hostile me from when he was in rehab and I found the depths of all his addictions... And I'm still angry. 5 days later since our blow out and I am STILL so, so angry and triggered. It's almost like there is another me within myself that just sprung out of the shadows and I'm trying to shove her back into the closet of my being... Marriage to an addict, in recovery or not, is so so hard. I have to do daily gratitude lists and text my sponsor a lot. If there is one thing I'm grateful for, it's the number of people who have come into my life to walk beside me in this journey, because it's their journey too.
Mine doesn’t argue. He just flatly denies he has been drinking. So I start doubting he really is drinking. He will blame his medication or that he is tired. I can always tell though. He goes months without a drink then just when I think all is well BAM! Repeat. I can’t leave him without sacrificing living in my home.
We understand exactly how you feel Sue.
Same girl, same….
So much anger so much ! I feel i have had to learn to put aside my actual values & wants in life, to live a cordial life for our 3 girls
Feeling angry is ok my wonderful Kim. No judgment. We get it. 💝
I know this feeling sooo much. Except we don't have kids hanging in the balance; we have a business. Even in my own recovery process dealing with a recovering addict i am angry often
He own his own business too and it the worst
It's so hard, makes everything even more complicated. I'm so sorry. I get it
Needed this tonite. Had this scenario at 6:30 am in the morning today and he left at 2pm yesterday to get propane for our BBQ for a family dinner. Old me would have wanted to get upset and be sad that he just abandon all of us. Still a work in progress. But I am way better at staying in my own lane until I am ready to have a genuine and calm conversation.
Proud of you Mel 💪🏻
Thank you!!! Soo happy to have you back. You have been missed over here. ❤️
I learned this lesson too late. The day I walked into the other room to get away from his addiction is the day he OD'D on fentanyl .....I used to spend money on myself and tell him why I was doing it. I would let him know that if he wanted to get high and use money stupidly...so could I ....you are giving great advice to wait until you are not angry and possibly he or she is not high
I was just doing some research about fentanyl today - devastating. Sending you love ❤️
Several years ago, I set a boundary that I would not engage with him when he’s drunk. That has morphed into us really never talking to each other anymore. So while it’s not volatile, it’s nothing. I leave the room and ignore him most nights, since he’s either outside smoking and drinking, or passed out on the couch (like he is now). We sleep in separate rooms.
I felt like I was getting healthy, not letting his behaviors control me anymore. But I realized this Christmas with my family and friends that I’ve detached myself from everyone, not just him! Who have I become?! And just like that, without a clue, I feel lost all over again, like I somehow “did it wrong” and now I need to figure out how to find some balance.
This is where I am at as well. It is so hard discovering that while you thought you were dealing with the problem the best way you could, you have lost yourself. I have told myself, I will not have another Christmas like this!
I don’t feel like you did it wrong at all. Detachment from their problems isn’t easy, and sometimes to successfully detach from our drinker, we also must make a clean break from everyone. Once we find our footing again, adding back safe people into our inner sanctum is an exercise of joy.
I sure hope so. I did contact a gf with whom I’ve detached and poured my heart out to her. She was most receptive and caring, but I still feel sh*tty. Baby steps…
Welp, it’s Christmas Eve and I sat down to read this because my husband has been drinking secretly all night. His family just left the house and so he made a stronger drink and passed out in the chair. Now I have to fight how to get the huge basketball goal out of his truck and bring it in for the boys Santa gift all by myself because God know when he’ll get up and if he’ll just keep drinking or if he’ll sober up for Christmas Day. It’s a constant game of trying to figure out what his next move will be, and I’m exhausted. Michelle I’ve listened to you for years, and have learned so much, and learning these tips really are so important and help keep peace in my life and my kids. I’ll admit I have days where I can’t hold it in and it gets really ugly. But if I can’t stay quiet until I can talk to him when he’s sober it’s better.
I’m so sorry you have to go through that and try to still take care of the kids so they get to enjoy their Christmas.
My husband has been sober 11 days after a scare and ER visit. You would think that without the alcohol, things would be more calm and enjoyable, but that hasn’t been the case. I was wrapping presents last night and trying to talk to him since he has absolutely no idea what I bought for our kids and he still was tuned out. He couldn’t hear what I said and from the next room I heard him say why the f@&? Is she talking to me. Then he told me straight to my face to stop talking to him. Then got mad at me when he asked me a question and I wouldn’t respond. I finished wrapping gifts with tears streaming down my cheeks. When does it get better?
I’m so sorry. I know what you are feeling, and it’s so hard. My husband has been to the ER countless times and told so many times he’s lucky to be alive, yet he keeps drinking. I don’t know what his rock bottom is or what your husband’s is but I guess the only way it gets better is when one of us figures it out and changes the situation. Praying for you and your family.
It gets better as we learn to detach from involvement in their problems, and shift our focus from them to us.
This is my first Christmas being divorced from an addict. He is still living in my basement because he is broke, and yes still very much an addict. I still can't believe that I wasted 17 years...but then I look at my beautiful 7yo and realize God had a reason for my lack of strength in leaving. If I had left, I wouldn't have become a mom, which is the greatest gift this I could ever have this and every Christmas. When this is finally over (hopefully I can get him out by February), I will pray for him, but I will finally let go of the responsibility for his addiction. I have suffered for years wondering why my child and I weren't enough for him to quit. I am resolving to NOT say that to myself anymore in 2024. Those of you still living with an addict, I pray that you too can find a way out or a way through!!
Michelle, where can I purchase your program???
My husband has struggled on and off with alcohol. We lost our youngest son this May in a motorcycle accident 😢 He has been sneaking alcohol alot since my son's death. He thinks he's fooling me but his personality changes into an angry, condescending, taunting man. He says awful things to me and about me. I do my best to stay quiet, walk away etc, but our house is not large and it is hard to find refuge. Now it's winter, I work into the evening and it ticks me off that I have to pack up and leave right when I get home from work...I too am deeply grieving my son and am struggling to deal with the loss and my husband's drinking and lying and abusive words the minute I walk in. I am angry..all the time wasted, how it affected our family, our marriage, the trust. I have used many of your suggestions and they have helped me , but sometimes I just can't deal with what he says and try to defend myself, despite everytime he drinks he says the same mean crap. After losing my son, I can barely get through the day much less come home to this😪 Thanks for listening...another bad night
Thank you so much, Michelle for this article. I am married to an alcoholic denier. I am so angry that I am married to one but God brought him to my life. However, this anger and resentment has cause him to blame me for everything. He is blaming me for my behavior, that I am unkind, that I don’t care about him, that I don’t cook well for him, that I never give him credit, that I am selfish. When I hang out with my friends or go shopping as distraction from the addiction, he would blame me for going out to cheat. It is so hard for me to hear all these things from someone I love, my life partner. When I voice all these things to him when he is sober, he tells me that I am pulling a victim card. I am at a loss on how to deal with this. It seems never ending and it’s a daily struggle.
When husband is drunk is the only time he is argumentative. If he’s sober, he just glares at me and won’t speak, except to say “Oh, here we go!”
LOA taught me the benefits of keeping a quiet mouth. I calm down by getting away from him and distracting myself by listening to helpful podcasts or reading AlAnon materials. I join online AlAnon meetings and just listen. I journal electronically when I’m really angry (password protected.) Music doesn’t really help me the way it does others.
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Cindy
Thank you so much for being hear for us Michelle. I have been married for 22 years to a highly functional alcoholic. He, during the day is my best friend. After 3pm he becomes Dr Jekyll. I have learned through listening to your podcasts to tune him out, not an easy task sometimes. Today was one of those days. So comforting to me to come hear and listen to a podcast to know that I am not alone with loving an alcoholic. Praying someday it will get better.
Cindy