3 Common Mistakes We Make When We're In An Argument With Our Partners

Hi, how are you feeling lately? It's a tough time of year, but I'm here for you. I'm thinking of you, and I want you to know that whatever you're feeling is okay and it's normal and that a lot of us can relate to you even when it feels like the rest of the world doesn't quite understand. We understand. 

Today we're going to talk about the three most common, or maybe not, maybe I shouldn't say most, but three common mistakes we make during an argument with our partner. So first of all, let's just get this out there. 

It is normal to feel angry when your partner lies to you about addiction, and it is perfectly acceptable to feel anger after your loved one promised you that they would stop using drugs or drinking or looking at pornography or cheating, and then you find out that they've started their bad habits again. And it can be very much a part of the healing process to feel anger or resentment even after your partner is sober because of all the pain and distrust that you're still trying to work through.

So the key takeaway is that it is completely okay and acceptable for you to have anger as part of your reaction to what's going on in your world and your life. And instead of judging yourself, or even worse, letting anger eat away at you. 

We're going to talk about three helpful tips on how you can deal with your feelings of anger. 

Number one: Try not to yell and try not to have a discussion when you're angry. When you're experiencing feelings of anger, it's okay that you're feeling that way, but then try to put yourself in a self-care. Time out. Now, I know one mom who used to hide herself under a blanket. She had little kids and she couldn't leave the room, so she would just go into her own little world under a blanket and just take deep, deep breaths.

Whatever it takes to avoid having an argument, do it. When my kids were sleeping, I used to walk away, lock myself in the bathroom, draw a nice warm bath, put on some really good music and try to turn inward. 

But if the kids were awake and I couldn't take that time for myself and I couldn't leave them alone, I would gather them all up in the playroom. I'd lock the door and sit on the floor, let them play and just give myself a moment. 

If you are feeling highly emotional, maybe ask yourself, is now the best time to confront my partner? Am I able to be objective and speak calmly and with clarity? And if you feel that's true for you in that moment, then by all means, use your voice, honor your feelings, and attempt to have a conversation with your partner. 

Basically, if you're feeling feisty, do whatever you have to do to avoid an argument. Maybe call a friend and vent or write it down all in a journal or on your notes app on your phone. You can put the baby in the stroller and go for a walk or grab your keys and vacate the premises. Whatever you need to do to protect yourself from a blowout fight, that will require even more self-repair. Okay? 

Number two: do not own your partner's hurtful words. Let them have the last word. Who caress. Let them think that they've won. If they start giving you excuses or blaming you and you can't walk away, just try and I know, I know this is super difficult. Try to keep a quiet mouth. You can't argue with them when they are the only ones doing the talking.

Think of something else like zone out while your loved one is unloading on you. Try. Don't take ownership of anything they are saying. Pretend that you have a giant body shield like one of those. Like you're in a Marvel movie, you're a Marvel character, and everything they are saying is just bouncing off you, bounce, bounce. 

You are not letting any of their hurtful words penetrate your being. And even if there is some truth to what they're saying, in order for you to listen, your partner needs to be kind and respectful in their words and their tone. Anything less should be ignored. Repeat in your head. I am giving this back to you. I am not owning this. I am giving this back to you. I am not owning this. 

Number three: try your very best not to work yourself up even more. And like I am saying this out loud, I am writing this down because this very much applies to me.

If you find yourself in the middle of an argument, hang in there. And when it's done, grab your phone and take 15 minutes to listen to a playlist. Now you're like, Michelle, what a playlist. Okay? 

The goal of this action, the goal of listening to the music and getting out of the argument and removing yourself from it is to bring yourself back down to a place of calm. And the playlist can help you self-soothe music can be a way to help regulate your feelings. 

My brother is a composer and he's constantly talking about the science behind music. So here's what I want you to do. A little bit of homework today, not a lot. Before your next argument happens, take some time and create an intentional playlist that is filled with songs that encourage you to take a deep breath, that will bring you comfort and remind you that things will be okay in the long run. 

Now, this playlist probably will come at a cost, right? It costs money to usually buy music. I'm sure there are ways my kids would know how to get music for free. But spend the money on yourself. If you have a hard time spending money on yourself, think about all of the money that is going towards their addiction. Let's say you spend $20 on a playlist. How many drinks does that buy you? 

This money is being spent in your household on the very thing that is making you upset. So I encourage you to spend money on your self care, on prioritizing you. And if a playlist in music is one of the tools that you have in your arsenal of toolboxes to deal with this addiction, then that's important and that should be a priority. If this sounds a little wonky to you, I get it. Try it. Just give it a try. Okay? So it doesn't work. 

Worst case scenario, best case scenario, you've added one more thing to help you handle this disease and get you back on track. And that's the goal. That's the goal of this podcast and this community. 

So if you find yourself feeling angry, I would love to hear from you. I'd love to hear how you deal with your arguments. I'd love to hear if you've tried any of this out, you can find me and the rest of the women in this community.